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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my wife to return to work?

329 replies

Christhebear · 04/10/2010 21:14

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. Our son was born in January this year. We waited a while before conceiving as we wanted to travel and basically have a good time before we had children.

My wife is an accountant and I am a senior partner in a large company. We both have extremely stressful and demanding jobs. My wife announced to me that she wants to resign as she finds her job extremely stressful and wants to stay at home to look after our son.

This is causing massive arguments because to continue the lifestyle we have we need two incomes. My wife is basically not the person I thought she was. She spends most of the day either shouting at me or crying, never does any cleaning, rarely cooks and basically devotes all her attention to our son. I have found a very good nursery for him but every time I bring it up she melts down and starts crying. She says that she doesn't need things anymore and is quite happy to just be a mother. I am not happy with this as I enjoy the finer things in life which I work bloody hard for and I am entitled to.

I don't know what to do anymore and I am contemplating an affair as our sex life is non existent. She is also breastfeeding which I think is impacting on her mental health as our son seems to be always on the breast.

Any advice from the female aspect would be appreciated.

Thank you.

OP posts:
MollieO · 04/10/2010 21:37

Having a baby changes everything but it seems that you have missed that completely. Have none of your friends had babies?

Expecting someone to return to work with an 8 month old baby to maintain a lifestyle seems odd. If you need two incomes to pay the mortgage then this is something you should have discussed pre-children. If you need two incomes to enjoy fine wine and foreign holidays then frankly you need to get a grip.

She is just as entitled to stay at home with your baby as you are to go out to work and enjoy whatever it is you spend your income on. The priority for both of you is surely your baby and you need to work out as a couple what you need to do to fulfill that.

Fwiw I used to have one of those high-powered jetsetting jobs - different country every week and several times a week (lawyer rather than air hostess). Completely incompatible with having children. My worklife is frankly rather dull now but I know that my dc appreciates seeing me rather than a nanny every day.

montoyadiary · 04/10/2010 21:37

If you are the person that your post depicts, there is no way on earth you'd be on this site looking for geniune advice.

Original poster
Christhebear · 04/10/2010 21:38

Dilemma456 thank you for your constructive post. I have not been very supportive truth be told. I have found the whole experience utterly overwhelming. I think we need counselling but am afraid to broach the subject with her. She says I am always getting at her about things.

OP posts:
WhoKnew2010 · 04/10/2010 21:38

OK - benefit of the doubt Confused

Your life has changed. You have two options: change or don't change.

If you change you have a chance to have a happy marriage and enjoy a relationship with your son.

Or you can carry on going on exotic holidays.

No one stays the same for ever and your wife has gone through one of the most amazing, humbling experiences to happen to us in our lives.

She has different values now, that shouldn't surprise you. What surprises us is that you don't?

Original poster
Christhebear · 04/10/2010 21:40

I am selfish I admit it. No one prepares you for parenthood!

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 04/10/2010 21:40

YANBU as far as the wanting her to return to work goes, I have had the same discussion with my DH who wants to be a stay at home dad and have me continue to work which doesn't 'fit' with what I pefer.

Have you discussed both of you going part time or her reducing her hours or findin different work she enjoys more?

The rest of your OP re the affairs and breastfeeding makes you sound like an utter twat though.

Original poster
Christhebear · 04/10/2010 21:40

I am selfish I admit it. No one prepares you for parenthood!

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 04/10/2010 21:40

Oh please!..grow up mate!

alicet · 04/10/2010 21:41

I would also say that I got no cleaning or anything practical done in the months after ds1 was born. My dh was actually pretty resentful of my mat leave as he saw it as me swanning around with my mates having coffee and cake. WHich I was but he missed the fact that I was also looking after our son ALL THE TIME. He was never a tosser about this but I could tell from time to time from comments he made that this is what he thought and subsequently we have talked about it and he said something like 'what on earth did I want you to do? Stay at home on your own with ds1 to make me feel better? How ridiculous!' Same could go to you - your wife is off work at the moment primarily to look after your son. All the rest is second place.

WHen ds2 was born and he had a chunk of time off work to help after my c-section he got to really see that it wasn't quite the breeze he thought it was. That simply looking after the boys is a fulltime job in itself and not always easy. Funnily enough though after ds2 arrived i actually became better at getting the domestic stuff done too without feeling as though I was losing out on time with the boys.

Not sure if that helps. But as your son gets older she will probably stop being so totally overwhelmed simply by being a mum and start to be able to contemplate the other stuff too. Which may or may not include work.

You both need to chat about your expectations now you are a family and find compromises so that you both get to have the sort of life you wish for. But having a baby DOES change things and expecting that everything will go back to how it was before is not realistic.

eventide · 04/10/2010 21:42

You can't be selfish now you are a parent - if you are your child will be neglected. They are now the priority for your time and money - not you.

BoffinMum · 04/10/2010 21:42

Chris

Your wife is stressed out of her box. You are her husband, and right now need to be more understanding then you ever thought possible. Here is how.

  1. You will need to start by listening to her more and giving what she says very careful thought. If she is saying she wants to give up work, then you need to talk through all the different options she has, such as a different career, going part-time, or staying at home for a few years. You will have to take responsibility for organising the finances so the family can accommodate this. Many people do it, and it's quite normal for dual career couples to have these kinds of conversations and make new arrangements after babies come along. It is unrealistic to assume your lifestyle can continue as before - some people look as though they manage to do that, but their accountants see a different side of this and know that really they are living beyond their means. The 'finer things in life' will therefore just have to wait for a while, or be rationed a bit. It is not the end of the world.
  1. I think many MNetters might agree when I say the majority of women get PND to some degree. Some, but by no means all, will seek medical help. However helping to ensure that your wife's stress levels are reduced will be beneficial to her. Then you will all be happier as a family.
  1. A lot of women breastfeed for 1-2 years these days, particularly middle class ones who have put off having children for a while. It's unlikely to have an effect on mental health; in fact you could argue it might well improve the mental health of mother and child in the medium to long term in some way. So it is to be encouraged. It might be helpful to tell your wife what a good job she is doing on the breastfeeding front, and how proud you are that she is giving your baby such a good start in life. It sounds like she's not getting a great deal of positive feedback at the moment, at work or at home. She clearly needs some.
  1. An affair would be very destructive and ultimately make you feel worse rather than better, so I would counsel against this.
MadAboutQuavers · 04/10/2010 21:42

HOLD THE PHONE

"Chris", did you used to post under the name of EngineeringMike?

He was exposed as a wind up and troll

Your phrasing, cold bloodedness, and words are startlingly familiar! Grin

Oh, and droves, he can't move back in with Mummy - he never left...

GeekOfTheWeek · 04/10/2010 21:42

Could part time be an option?

I disagree with whoever said she is entitled to be a sahm.

It should be a joint decision or it will breed resentment.

Would anyone relish their own partners suddenly deciding to resign and expect them to financially support them?

acalacaboom · 04/10/2010 21:43

If your wife is an accountant in practice, a huge amount of her work stress will be down to senior partners there... by giving up her job she's reduced her 'dealing with selfish twats' time by 50%.

Keep your current attitude up and she'll maintain the 50% balance and yet be back at work...then you can shag whoever you like without worrying about it.

cupcakesandbunting · 04/10/2010 21:43

It's MadAboutQuavers!

Lovecat · 04/10/2010 21:43

I'm desperately hoping that this is an AIBU in reverse and it's the wife posting, because if not...Shock

Having said that, potential affair apart Hmm, I'm quite sure DH could have written your post in the first few month or so after we had DD. He's UK CFO for a multi-national and I'm an accountant. We had a great standard of living before DD, and I barely wanted to go back part time when she was tiny. But rather than whinge about me online, he got on with it, adjusted his expectations of life after parenthood, and makes sure he gets home to help out with housework and childcare. Because he's not the spoilt twat that you are sounding like.

Entitled? You sound like a right prize.

dilemma456 · 04/10/2010 21:43

Try getting up tonight when the baby wakes, change the nappy, let your wife feed lying down and then take the baby back and try to settle in cot.

Take the baby out for two or three hours at the weekend so your wife can rest

Order a take away and sit down and enjoy it with her.

See if it helps if she's more rested.

Babies are very overwhelming but very worth it

DuelingFanjo · 04/10/2010 21:45

why the hell didn't you talk about all this stuff before she went on maternity leave?

Oh abd I agree with Madaboutquavers.

cupcakesandbunting · 04/10/2010 21:45

Yes, it is very exhausting when one feels that they have two babies vying for ones attention...

scottishmummy · 04/10/2010 21:45

get some nice food in,some treats,dvd and snuggle up. genuinely ask her how she is and mean it

act collaboratively, discuss what you both want and what is achievable.involve wife in choosing childcare.look at nanny too.let her feel empowered and involved too.

pragmatically work out the minimum expenditure you need for mortgage,food etc. that will guide and inform too

can someone watch son for 2-3hours go out locally?

Original poster
Christhebear · 04/10/2010 21:45

Boffinmum I fully support breatfeeding I just feel it is impacting on her mental health. Our son wakes four or five times per night to feed. He won't take a bottle and although we have started solids he is not interested. She is so tired all the time which is not helping things.

OP posts:
Rollmops · 04/10/2010 21:46

Why are such numbingly dull trolls allowed here??? I think we need to be told!
I blame the lax MN towers [hides under cushion....]

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 04/10/2010 21:47

In what way does breastfeeding impact on mental health?

Valpollicella · 04/10/2010 21:47

PLease feel very privileged to have my first ever Biscuit

'She says that she doesn't need things anymore and is quite happy to just be a mother. I am not happy with this as I enjoy the finer things in life which I work bloody hard for and I am entitled to'

Well then do some fucking overtime.

DuelingFanjo · 04/10/2010 21:47

I wonder if it's AnnaLies again!?