To expect my wife to return to work?

[Christhebear]

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. Our son was born in January this year. We waited a while before conceiving as we wanted to travel and basically have a good time before we had children.

My wife is an accountant and I am a senior partner in a large company. We both have extremely stressful and demanding jobs. My wife announced to me that she wants to resign as she finds her job extremely stressful and wants to stay at home to look after our son.

This is causing massive arguments because to continue the lifestyle we have we need two incomes. My wife is basically not the person I thought she was. She spends most of the day either shouting at me or crying, never does any cleaning, rarely cooks and basically devotes all her attention to our son. I have found a very good nursery for him but every time I bring it up she melts down and starts crying. She says that she doesn't need things anymore and is quite happy to just be a mother. I am not happy with this as I enjoy the finer things in life which I work bloody hard for and I am entitled to.

I don't know what to do anymore and I am contemplating an affair as our sex life is non existent. She is also breastfeeding which I think is impacting on her mental health as our son seems to be always on the breast.

Any advice from the female aspect would be appreciated.

Thank you.

Chris you can't be serious. Your wife sounds like she has Post natal depression. As for breat feeding at 8 months I think you might find this going to go on for several more months yet. Have you tried to support your wife and had a look at your finances and instead of the finer things in life, just ensure you can aford the basics. This means nappies and properly a nice microwave meal out of asda. By the way have you ever tried to help with your son and do some of the house work. Perhaps you should try cooking your poor wife a meal. If you take a step back and stop moaning and try giving her a cuddle and nothing more things might get better. By the way everyone goes through the no sex thing when the kids arrive. I think most men go to the loo and clean up after they have finished. You might start to have sex again when your wife wants baby number 2. Enjoy your baby by the way, you seem to have forgotten he is your to.

Wow...talk about a stupidly worded OP!! I read further to see that this man is real and had not researched his audience!!

Does it all come out in the wash?

arses, perhaps some posters are not as judgemental about women as you imply.

OP's posts got more reasonable, and it seemed as though we were getting through.

But why not try to engage and challenge his ideas? For one thing, many tried, and it has seemed to make a dent, given his change in tone. For another, why not try to make his wife's life easier by attacking what is probably a major source of her unhappiness? If Christhebear can be reformed, MN will have done a beautiful thing.

Or should we not acknowledge his more contrite responses and rip his balls off (which is what,I agree, seemed to be in order given the OP!)?

Chris if you are still reading, I think my OH would have had fleeting thoughts not disimilar to your own when we first had dc (although I think he would have- and did- challenge himself pretty quickly about how reasonable or otherwise they were). I know for a fact he had expectations about what the house would look like when I was 'off work all the time' on maternity leave, and really struggled to see why, when dc couldn't actually move anywhere, the house would still look like a bombsite on his return from work some days...

If she's still being woken 5 or 6 times a night she will be doing her nut, to put it bluntly, and that level of sleep deprivation alone will make her emotional, shattered and leave very little energy for much else. It's the sleep deprivation, not breastfeeding, that'll be impacting on her.

How much support does your wife have? Other mums, going out to groups etc..? Does she have people she can talk over the night feeds/ BLW with? Do you? It sounds like you're both feeling a bit helpless with it all.

Life has changed MASSIVELY and the best way forward is to try and embrace it. Your previous lifestyle has gone anyway I'm afraid, even with the same amount of income the quirky bistros, deluxe hotels (or whatever it is you want to hold on to) are irrevocably going to be different now a baby is here.

I did go back to work (after almost 12 months)- I think someone on here suggested your wife poss extended maternity leave until then? A good suggestion which would give you both some time. I can see how, being practical and wanting to help my OH might have done something similar and found a great nursery, unfortunately I would have been bloody furious and really upset if he had- irrational as it might seem!

I think it's fairly common for sex to go out of the window for a bit- talking about an affair sounds a bit like you're trying to threaten your wife/ show her you have needs too etc...- but if you love her and you want your marriage to continue then it's a stupid thing to do that you'll regret.

Also what's your relationship with your son? You sound a bit disconnected from him to be honest. Can you start spending more time with him, both to give her a break, but also to feel more of a family? Maybe then you'll see more where she's coming from in terms of a reduction in income but an increase in quality of life?

I think OP has long-gone, ladies

If indeed he was ever here!

Thankyou, I'm well aware of that, but being a grown-up and all and able to make my own decisions decided to post anyway, just in case. I'm with folk who think the tone changed in response to more helpful messages- wind-up or not, just in case not it's worth ten mins of my time giving some poss useful advice.

Christhebear, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt. I am also an accountant and my son (third child) was born in April, I am going back to work (3 days a week) next week.

From what you say it sounds like she may have PND, can you discuss this with her and see if you can go together to GP to discuss.

re: the other points -

• are you talking about going back full time or part time?
• get a cleaner, looking after a baby is hard work
• accept that your lifestyle will never be the same again
• I doubt breastfeeding is affecting her mental health but it may be affecting her sex drive, again maybe something to discuss with GP?
• I can understand why she doesn't want to leave her baby in a nursey. I'll get flamed for saying this but I don't personally thing nurseries are the best childcare for babies, as I think a home setting with a carer like a childminder or nanny is more appropriate.

AnyFucker, you are too kind, thinking our behaviour on this thread ladylike!

Chris
if you are still about, which you might well not be, given the level of abuse you have been the object of, some words of advice from the mother of another 8-month old (a mother who had a senior job not dissimilar to your wife's, is still breastfeeding, would love to cosleeep and cannot contemplate nursery):

1. many others have said it, but do be extremely gentle with your wife. Start with hugs and explaining how much you love her (you said so a few posts ago). She will need reminding, esp if you have a demanding job and are out of the house much of the time.

1. find out how she is feeling and how she would like you to help. For example, for me a long bath with a book would be brilliant, a weekend away with friends way too much (and I get a lot more sleep than your wife, by sound of things).

1. don't look for or come in with solutions. Not yet. First you need to find out what the problems are. You may find your wife has quite different views from you on this. So talk, talk, talk and work out where you want to get together. Then draw up a joint plan for getting there.

1. Be careful about how you say things. The most anodynely-worded comments can be perceived as aggressive if one is feeling delicate or expects (perhaps from previous experience) criticism. And if you expect to be criticised, even friendly moves (such as organising dinner out, good on you) may seem designed to create problems ("why has he organised dinner out, it will mess up feeding, I am tired, who knows whether baby will be ok"). It is not rational, but it happens. So be very careful and very, very gentle.

1. Co-sleeping and breastfeeding are fantastic and, from a mother's point of view, as necessary as feeding and sleeping. Seriously. I know many others (maybe the majority of people?) cannot wait to put baby in a cot in his room and give him bottles and are much saner for doing it, but personally I already grieve for the inevitable moment when baby will wean and want his own room. It may well be that much of your wife's stress comes from feeling torn between your needs/demands (remember, she loved you enough to marry you, she probably loves you still) and her motherly love for the baby. So talk to her and try to find a solution that enables all three of you to be happy. Have you thought about a bigger bed, with perhaps a sidecar cot? That way you can have three-way family cuddles that may make all of you feel better.

1. Breastfeeding: please don't make your wife feel guilty for doing something that is good for your baby and for her (it also helps staying happy and calm because of the hormones released during feeds, she'd probably feel worse if she had to give up without wishing to). Get a breastfeeding counsellor to help you sort out the nightfeeding, but do not push the solids too much... Introducing solids is the beginning of the baby having an independent life, which can be a bit sad for the mother who has been his only source of food....

1. Nursery/work. I am afraid I am with your wife there. No matter what seemed entirely reasonable and the obvious solution pre-children, she'll feel a lot different now. And she might also grieve her career and feel guilty that she does- and be isolated and unable to talk about it on top. Again, talk!

1. Mother and baby groups. Many find these useful, but don't pressure your wife into going, she might find them unhelpful. She would not be the first professional mother to prefer staying at home with baby and a good book (or bed)- it is particularly difficult if what you really want to talk about is not wanting to go back to a senior professional job, not wanting childcare etc when others in the group do not have those choices/options.

Sorry, long ramble, I hope at least some of it is useful. And good luck!

IF you are for real, then yes you are being totally unreasonable.

we are all ladies

some more so than others

hehehe@AF

Hi everyone,

This morning, in the cold light of day I reread my post and was pretty horrified by what I wrote. The majority of posts were very useful and I thank you for taking the time and trouble to respond.

I spoke with my wife this evening and she has agreed to see her gp re possible pnd. I did not broach counselling as I thought this would be insensitive given how much she has on her plate already. We have agreed to take things one day at a time.

I am actually looking into counselling for myself. My own father was an insensitive man and I feel that even though I despise him, I am somewhat like him. I think the replies here made me realize that.

One thing I will say to the posters who were at best, insulting and at worst, vicious, please be careful what you say to people. We are all anonymous here but that is no excuse to be downright rude whilst hiding behind a veil of anonymity. You cannot possibly know how fragile a person is from reading a few words and your responses could have a profound effect on them. That said some of them were very amusing!

Thank you all once again.

best wishes to you and wife.hope this resolves well

chris, I want to congratulate you on going from twat to hero in the space of 24 hours !!!

Nothing short of a miracle !!!!

the power of Mumsnet, eh ?

< inclines head wondrously >

mr bear, you are a brave man
good luck
and well done for getting this far

Good luck to you and your wife

you have definitley been self reflective and that isnt always easy.yes some people love a good troll hunt,best ignored.but plenty other sensible folk around

on upside,has broached a hard topic for you both and may have positive long term benefits

if you are for real then I am giving the following advice to help your poor wife....

• pregnancy and looking after children can really change a woman's outlook on life - you need to TALK to your wife about what she and you want re work/ incomes etc.. you seem to be going on about you but a decision needs to be made as to what is best for all of you as a family. The finer things in life often disappear into nappies etc when you have a baby - fact of life I'm afraid.

• if you have an affair, you are an idiot. Arrange a babysitter, take your wife out on a "date" and rediscover your romance - and no talk about babies on the night out!

• Maybe your wife has pnd, it may be worthwhile talking to doctor/ health visitor about this

• Have you spent a whole day looking after your son? I would suggest you spend a whole day doing so if you have not already (with your wife there to breastfeed as needed)as you may find your wife doesn't have time to do anything else e.g. clean/cook if your son is demanding!

can't believe I have written this much - will prob get flamed, but I'm thinking of the wife!!

galon...why would you get flamed ????

That was an extremely gracious post and climbdown. Well done for sticking with this post and trying to understand what we were saying and why we were saying it. And that's great news about your own counselling. You did sound from your early posts as though you were lashing out under stress, but you will feel so much better if you get that under control. It really is scary to lose one's temper with such consequences.

Thanks for caring enough about your wife to see this through.

Also, please come back to MN later. Anyone who can think so deeply and outside his/her own experience is always welcome.

nah he's still a twat...he just accepts it

wonder if the troll patrol crew will apologise?

apologise for what, sm ?

calling him a twat and replying accordingly ?