To expect my wife to return to work?

[Christhebear]

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. Our son was born in January this year. We waited a while before conceiving as we wanted to travel and basically have a good time before we had children.

My wife is an accountant and I am a senior partner in a large company. We both have extremely stressful and demanding jobs. My wife announced to me that she wants to resign as she finds her job extremely stressful and wants to stay at home to look after our son.

This is causing massive arguments because to continue the lifestyle we have we need two incomes. My wife is basically not the person I thought she was. She spends most of the day either shouting at me or crying, never does any cleaning, rarely cooks and basically devotes all her attention to our son. I have found a very good nursery for him but every time I bring it up she melts down and starts crying. She says that she doesn't need things anymore and is quite happy to just be a mother. I am not happy with this as I enjoy the finer things in life which I work bloody hard for and I am entitled to.

I don't know what to do anymore and I am contemplating an affair as our sex life is non existent. She is also breastfeeding which I think is impacting on her mental health as our son seems to be always on the breast.

Any advice from the female aspect would be appreciated.

Thank you.

That's your choice. My choice is to let people know that this wasn't a real scenario so that they weren't wasting their time advising someone who wasn't real. :)

he cant be for real, a waste of 250 posts.

says she adding another!!!

I think this is the most hilarious post I have ever read. I am really sorry not to read through the outrage/troll-hunting/eye rolling next 10 pages but I am literally PMSL here.

((wipes cheery tear from eye, takes breath from laughing))

arses, read on

you will have a treat in store

needless to say, he turned down my offers of "help"

OK, everyone stop slagging this guy off - it's not constructive. OK, he said some very unreasonable things, but when you're stressed out and angry and your whole life has changed, you can act out (especially when you're anonymous). He's already said a ZILLION times that he's not really going to have an affair.

Chris, the problem here may be that you and your wife both had unrealistic expectations of how little your lives would change after the baby. Now she's realised how life-changing (and utterly exhausting) it is and you feel she's changed the goalposts.

I'm not surprised she's getting no housework done if she's up 5 times a night feeding the baby - she must be zombified with exhaustion - and this probably explains why she's feeling depressed and unsexy.

You've said yourself that you've probably been unsupportive and a bit of a prick, so don't say it to us, say it to her. Don't immediately swoop in with solutions - I've found childcare, I've organised a cleaner, etc - just sit down first and say sorry, that you know you haven't been supportive enough, that you love her very much and you're sorry that you weren't prepared enough for how overwhelming the changes in your life would be.

Then say that you want to help her and work with her so that you can both be happier. Sit down with her and discuss possible options and solutions - don't just tell her what you think should happen - and go through your household budget together so that you can work out what you need.

You'll probably find that after some tlc, some extra time off work and the regular services of a paid cleaner, she'll feel ready to contemplate part or full time return to work as the child gets older.

And the happier women are, the more cared for and appreciated they feel, the more sexy they feel.

You just need to think really carefully about what's most important to you: a happy, loving wife and a good relationship with your son, or a wealthy lifestyle?

call troll all you wish most people dont care or listen, and dont stop posting. LOL at the egotistical vanity of the troll hunters.the very I/We have spoken listen to us mn community as i/we tell you the way it is.

oh aye?

no one needs instructed on quality or authenticity of posts

and if you banned all the fuckwittery mn would be a v quiet place

Boo! Hiss!

I thought pantomime villains were for Christmas time.

I'm sorry, I really don't care if he's a troll or not. Or even, to be fair, if he's in distress.

You breastfeed? You must be mental!
You don't cook? Or clean? You think devoting time to a child is enough to do with your day? On my money?
I need to get my rocks off! And you are busy breastfeeding! ((sob)) Maybe I will have an affair..
I like nice things. And I'm damned if I'm going to give up any of 'em because there's a small person in the house on my wife's breast making her cry and shout!

Why would anyone give him the benefit of the doubt? If he's not a troll, he's a bloody baby. And a cock.

The fact he came back and said a few 'ooooh I'm not really so bad, really' things really doesn't equal a get out of jail free card, y'know?

My favourite comments:
"I do love a big bit of Irish Sirloin you're right"

"I should just bend over and oblige. Oh no, look, all these other women already doing it"

((chuckling))

SM - Your comments about posts not being censored or moderated also extend to people who wish to accuse someone of trolling. The Op has been called a cock and several other expletives which is surely worse than being called a troll. Why did he come and seek help on a parenting website? Did he expect everyone to say "quite right. Get that wife of yours back to work and order your self a BMW". His first post is inflammatory in style. Whether this is because he is a troll or a jerk is irrelevant really. Neither are great options are they. I am off to get DS from playgroup so will leave you all to it.

Yes, this guy is being selfish, but at least he's being honest and trying to do something about it.

I know several of my husband's friends who wouldn't think twice about having an affair based on these reasons, and I suppose in my heart of hearts I know if I didn't have sex with my husband, he would eventually turn to someone else, just as I probably would if he didn't want to sleep with me.

It does sound like your wife has PND, and if her job is very stressful it's no wonder she doesn't want to go back to work. Are there options for part-time work? Surely you can't expect to have all the same luxuries in life now that you have a child? As for the breastfeeding, it's unlikely she'll want to carry on with this much beyond your baby's 1st birthday.

While it's very easy for us women to say, get used to it, there's a new pecking order, etc, the reality is that men don't view parenthood in the same way as us, and find it harder to accept the changes it brings.

I'll probably get slated as much as Christhebear for saying this, but just felt it needed saying.

SM... really, going about trollery ad nauseum, with nothing positive, nor remotely funny, entertaining or pertinent to contribute must get really tiring.

OP

Accountant's are quite often thought of as W**rs, you are justifying that belief.

And if you are on such mega salaries why have you not got a cleaner and cook.

At the OP, I was convinced you were your wife, posting a selfish husband's point of view in order to get others' perspective, or simply to vent her feelings.

Your responses since then have been much more sincere and bewildered, but that just makes me think the tone of your original post (hectoring, selfish, throwing out wild threats) is the tone you revert to when you are stressed.

You have made a few overtures to your wife, but need to learn to keep your head when your wife gets emotional (I would be completely bats, with that kind of feeding schedule, let alone with what seems like your blame-and-storm attitude when under stress)... Of course she is emotional. You have been threatening to force her to work, force your child into nursery, and she probably could see you forcing her to do all the drop-offs and pick-ups and sick-days-off as well, thus exposing her to pressure and blame from her colleagues and bosses. Very nice indeed.

Have you any idea what sort of extra emotional stress you have placed her under? You don't deal well with stress yourself, so just imagine hers. This is something you absolutely must address. It will help you at work, too.

I'm sorry to be so harsh in this post, particularly given the tone of your last few posts, but I understand that that softer tone of yours came after you were forced to back down by a crowd of determined MNers who have most of their wits about them, not your wife, who is too tired to argue, and can only cry instead. Your default reaction to your wife, by contrast, might still be to blame and rage. You need to stop that. Please.

I am assuming, as a relatively new father, that what you really want is what is best for your child, and also for you and your wife. A harmonious family life will really hinge on what you decide to do now. Perhaps, when you've had time to reflect, you will see that all these material things you crave, ie "lifestyle" mean so very little if you lose everything else that is dear to you.
I would think that if you start at the beginning, with a huge amount of appreciation and respect for your wife as the woman you love and the mother of your son, an understanding that it might actually be better for your son if he is at home being looked after by his own mother, which must be the best option, especially if the mother is willing to do this, and a certain masculine pride that you are providing for your family, then some of the other things you crave will follow.
If you make it your mission to make your wife happy, then your home life will be happy and your sex life may even take a turn for the better. It is not an easy adjustment to make, but if you start with putting your wife and child first you are likely to reap the benefits. Your wife will feel so much more kindly disposed towards you if she can see that you actually care about her, appreciate what she does for your son and want to help and support her to be the best mother to him that she can. She is unlikely to want sex with you if she feels lonely, misunderstood, under-appreciated and depressed.

If, however, you decide to put yourself first and ignore the needs of your wife and child, will you be able to live with yourself when it all goes tits up and your wife falls for someone decent who is able to fulfil more of her needs?
My advise is that you have a good long think and then if you do want family life and a happy marriage - go to your wife and say you're so very sorry for the way you've been acting, tell her she and the baby are the most important things in your life and that you never meant to let her think otherwise. Tell her you'll do everything in your power to make sure she never needs to look elsewhere for happiness and fulfilment. Honestly, would you really rather have the trappings of money and success than be able to feel that you have done your best for these people you presumably love?

How are you and your wife today Chris? (If you've dared venture back that is)

Mumsnet is supposed to be a parenting forum,for talking and sharing points of view.However,badly written or down right insensitive the OP was he does not deserve that level of abuse.The troll-hunters are bullies,attacking someone with no good reason. Happily,I do see many other reasonable posts with good advice and book recommendations too. Scottish Mum is totally right, this is really unacceptable. I do hope the OP is not put off Mumsnet by the behaviour of a minority.

dh? is that you?

Oh come on - a 10 month old baby breastfeeding constantly? Two high earners with no cleaner (as someone else said). And if she is an accountant, what kind of partner is he? In a law firm? An accountancy firm? This is a load of tosh.

And how any of you can have sympathy for a man who is allegedly contemplating an affair when his wife is on ML is beyond me.

I was initially suspicious of this but I don't think all the hectoring and nastiness is on either. If he is genuine (as I think he probably is from subsequent posts) then from the tone of his later posts he needs help and support NOT bullying. And he has said SEVERAL times now that he is not going to have an affair. So he may be a troll - personally I prefer to think the best about someone not the worst and would prefer to feel a bit silly about trying to help a troll than bitch and shout at someone in genuine need for help.

LB maybe he hasn't put more details about work in his op becuase he doesn't want to be outed - hardly a crime. And maybe they did have a cleaner but don't now his wife is on ML because they both presumed before the baby that she would have time to do this.

And maybe they don't actually have that much disposable income if only he is working at the mo and she is on statutory mat pay. Dh and I both have high earning jobs but we have a big mortgage and outgoings that we would struggle to meet on only one salary (and no we don't have fast cars and expensive holidays - haven't been abroad for 3 years, our holiday this year was staying with mum and dad and cars both second hand at least 5 years old). So actually if he turned around and said he didn't want to work anymore thanks I'd be pretty p*ssed off about that being presented to me without a discussion. Add into that all the uncertainty with jobs and 2 high salaries don't necessarily mean you can afford a cook and a cleaner and your wife not to work.

Yes his OP made him out to be a twat but his later posts don't imho. For thinking he is a troll some of you have spent a very large amount of time posting on here both yesterday and today. If indeed he is a troll then this is probably just making him rub his hands together in glee at all the fuss he is causing and is clearly not stopping others posting. Imho if you think he is a troll then backing away from the thread and allowing it all to die down is more likely to have your desired effect of the thread dying a death isn't it?

I know AIBU isn't necessarily the friendliest of places but if the op has genuinely not posted here before he wouldn 't have known that either. Give the guy a break and be constructive or walk away. Please. Otherwise its just bullying

alicet - I have to confess I haven't read every single post of his but I will shut up now as obviously he has made you all feel terribly sorry for him

I can just about remember the days when our ds was 8 months old. Thinking on it now, my advice to you is this. Be patient. Accept that your life is irrevocably changed and that you are responsible both for creating that change and for adapting to it.

Parenting is a long game. Right now you think things are bad and will never change - lack of sex, lack of money - but this is a blip. Really, it passes so quickly. Before you know it your ds will be at school, your wife will be back in full time work and you will be faced with a whole new set of parenting challenges that make weaning off the breast seem like a jolly little day trip.

Talk to your wife calmly and honestly about her staying out of work for a while. How long is she thinking of being a SAHM. Do the numbers, how long can you afford for her not to work and what "finer things" would you be losing out on? Are those things really a loss in comparison to what you would gain and indeed what you may already have - a thriving, happy child and a loving, supportive relationship with your partner.

let me get this right.ladybiscuit have not read all op posts.but from incomplete reading you surmise

1. ?tosh?
2. ?Unfortunately you just fell at the first hurdle of credibility. 0 out of fucking 10 you tosser.?
3. ?If you'd been real I would have given constructive advice. But you aren't, so I won't?
4. ?The OP is absolute bullshit - he would never have referred to his and his wife's jobs in those terms if they really had those jobs so the rest is absolutely steaming. But good on everyone who gave him advice?? I don't like dishonestly. HAHA that?s priceless given you havent read his posts properly
5. ?My choice is to let people know that this wasn't a real scenario so that they weren't wasting their time advising someone who wasn't real.?
6. This is a load of tosh

So lets see,your admission ?have to confess I haven't read every single post of his?.hmm still happy to pile in abusing and making assumptions though. Did you just like the rumble, the elation of anonymously noising someone up, acting as part of a pack?

Whatever it was you have behaved in a really nasty manner.attacking posts that you didn?t bother to read

And why bother to argue so vociferously when you have not read all his posts

nice

"obviously he has made you all feel terribly sorry for him"

Well, I'm sorry for his wife, but as she's not here, and as the OP is our only means of reaching her (and actually only means of making her life better), why not engage? It would be mean to all not to.

Really? So we should "engage" because this man has: a) an issue with his wife breastfeeding; b) an issue with the amount of household chores she does; c) an issue with how much time she spends with their baby and d) he misses sex so is contemplating an affair.

It never ceases to amaze me how when men post like this on MN they require "support" but, say, a woman posts that she sometimes takes a pram on the bus or doesn't really like her MIL or thinks her sister is a bridezilla and she is clearly a cold, callous bitch who should be grateful that people deign to pass her in the street without knifing her, so heinous are her crimes against humanity.

If you are for real, I can understand what you are saying, but I think your wife needs help it does sound as if she is depressed.
Good luck