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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

parents who chose partner over thier kids

66 replies

DaisyDaresYOU · 18/09/2010 21:07

aibu to really not understand how a parent can chose a new partner over thier kids?my dad for instance let es then gf make my life hell.She was a bullying control freak who scared me, he then went on to marry her.Now if a new partner bullied my kids he would be gone asap.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 19/09/2010 08:00

I think I meant "quite another thing", not "quite enough" Blush See what typing whilst cross does to a person.

Alouiseg · 19/09/2010 08:03

Even when the step parents are reasonably nice and accepting I think that the biological parents focus switches to the partner anyway and the children cease to be the most important people to them.

My parents divorced then remarried new partners and had children together. My brothers and I grew up shockingly fast while the new families are still being supported by our parents.

I'm 40 now and I'm far less accepting of what they did now I have my own children. in fact as the years roll on I become more bitter because the selfishness of what they did was actually breathtaking.

piscesmoon · 19/09/2010 08:04

I don't understand it either. When I had my DS it was love me, love my DS-we were a package. If DH2 couldn't do that then I would have stopped seeing him. I may have been heartbroken, but I am the adult and can deal with it-a DC deserves the very best and can't live with a step parent who doesn't love them.

Original poster
DaisyDaresYOU · 19/09/2010 08:07

I wish i could put it in past but it's things my dad says sometimes that makes me annoyed.Ive even spoken to him about it before saying how much pain they caused me he seemed to of listened but a few months later started saying how much money e had and that e won't help me out financially as es done that all es life.erm if you can count 5pound a week and never any pocket money then no e never supported me,lying git

OP posts:
oncemoreintothebreach · 19/09/2010 08:07

What about when couples spilt up though? One of them usually has to leave the family home. Or are you talking about having no contact at all? To be brutally honest I can see why it would happen; people can create fantasy lives for themselves to escape the 'routine' of normal life. I don't condone it and would never leave my DC fr any reason, but I can see the need to escape.

Original poster
DaisyDaresYOU · 19/09/2010 08:12

I have cried about a few things es done this year Blush

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 19/09/2010 08:17

I don't know why people expect their parents to be good parents, to be honest. I think if you get good ones you're bloody lucky... the more normal experience is that even the best-intentioned ones do something to annoy/upset/offend/irritate us at some stage in life.

If your father is not bringing anything positive to your life, if he is indeed making you cry, reduce his involvement in it.... to zero if you can. Don't expect an apology because that's clearly not going to happen. Get on with your life instead. Develop your independence. Once you have put some distance between you, you can resume a relationship on your terms.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 19/09/2010 08:18

DP's 'mother' gave him up readily so she could live with a man who was on the sex offenders list for child abuse... he only found out when he registed with the doctor a few years ago and his dr told him he was once on the 'at risk' list with ss and why.

ShadeofViolet · 19/09/2010 08:21

I dont understand it either.

I agree with the incrediblesulk - its about chosing thier happiness (whether its with new man or whatever) over thier children.

Its the ultimate selfishness.

Original poster
DaisyDaresYOU · 19/09/2010 08:23

There is distance between us but i feel like i have to see him.I cant go into to much detail because i know ds comes on here but lets just say i feel a bit forced into forgiving with best intentions on my mums part

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyDaresYOU · 19/09/2010 08:31

Thanks for listening guyz.Just know i'll end up exploding one day.I think having no contact will be alot easier for me,but how do i go about without upsetting people?do i just not bother with them,or do i just tell them?

OP posts:
prozacfairy · 19/09/2010 08:34

YANBU. My dad left me and my sister then aged 1 and 4 with our alcoholic mother so he could live with his new girlfriend. My mum would never intentionally hurt us but did once leave us in the bath alone with the taps still running and then passed out drunk downstairs. Thankfully my sister managed to pull the plug as water sloshed over the side otherwise one of us might have drowned.

Even after my sister told our "dad" what had happened he did nothing about it. It come back, didn't take us to live with him, didn't tell anyone at all as far as I know.

My mum has been dry for 20 years now, no thanks to him.

unstable · 19/09/2010 08:35

Have namechanged for this as too identifying.

I was taken away from my mother due to neglect, she also took my sister to her mum and stepfather and didn't ask for her back for 5yrs (she saw her in that time though) Doesn't sound too bad until you realise that the stepfather abused my mother as a child, but she the willing had her child live with him Hmm

Bloodymary · 19/09/2010 09:08

My daughter prefers to live with a heroin addict/petty criminal/begger than raise her own Daughter. Even tho Social Services have said that this waste of oxygen 'man' is not allowed anywhere near my Grandaughter.
She is fully aware that she will never get her back all the while she is with him.
Rather than allowing little girl go into care, I am raising her myself.
I cannot understand it, I just have to keep telling myself that the drugs have clouded her vision.

Bloodymary · 19/09/2010 09:10

Tried to strike out 'waste of oxygen' and failed dismaly. Blush

neytiri · 19/09/2010 09:16

i'd say my neighbour has definitely chosen her own happiness over her dc's. her retort to how her kids are doing is 'they're fine', that's what she told the school when it all came out. they're not really that fine, just bearing up, she totally has her head buried in the sand. she hops off to her new love nest every night leaving her youngest to cry himself to sleep.

wingandprayer · 19/09/2010 09:17

Agree with AlouiseG. My parents separated when I was 15, both found new partners and DB and I relegated by both of them. Funny thing is my mum is quick enough to point my dad's more blatant favouritism (treating a step daughter better than me, unwelcome in their house, clearly disliked by stepmother) yet cannot see she was just as bad (bullying sulky step father and us suddenly being forced to accept benefit cheats, drug dealers and stolen goods as normal and indeed prioritised over us). Both partners have destroyed their lives - ruined them financially and it will be my brother and I supporting them in their old age.

Is laughable, and I get very angry about it if I dwell on it too long.

GeekOfTheWeek · 19/09/2010 09:21

YANBU

Both dh and I have first hand experience of this.

annec555 · 19/09/2010 09:41

Bloodymary - I was raised by my grandparents after my mother died. I was eternally grateful to them for putting their retirement plans to one side and wading into child-raising for the second time. Your grandchild will on doubt feel the same about you even if your daughter never steps up to the mark.

Manda25 · 19/09/2010 09:43

I am a SW with Teenagers in care. I reckon 1 in every 6 kids we have are in care is purely because the mothers chooses a man over her kid/s.

On the other side you will usually find that a 'good' mum doesn't suddenly give up her kids because of a man ... there is usually a long history of low (or high) level neglect/emotional abuse with in the family when a mum does that.

Bloodymary · 19/09/2010 10:01

Manda25 Whilst I do not doubt that what you have said is often the case, it is most definatly NOT the case in our family.

annec555 Thanks so much for your kind words, they are appreciated far more than you probably realise.

Manda25 · 19/09/2010 10:05

Bloody - must be even harder to get your head around. I am sure there are many others who had 'good' mums that did this too....it is so difficult to comprehend.

meltedchocolate · 19/09/2010 10:22

AlouiseG - Are you saying that anyone that gets a new partner while having children will treat their existing children like you were treated?!

My H left me and DS and I have a new partner. I will never neglet him or favor any children I may have with DP or DP. DP will be DS's father just as much as any future children and already adores DS.

I feel very defensive of DS and he will always have my focus. More DC would be wonderful but DS was my first born and we went through his father's desertion together. I now have focus on DP as well but if he didn't prioritise DS like DS deserves or treated him in anyway wrongly I would have no hesitation in walking.

stealthpony · 19/09/2010 10:38

I know of one cretin like this. She had 5 kids aged from 6 to 20 something. The 6 year old was a girl and the poor thing was treated like utter crap..her "mother" used to scream in her face and call her a c**t, all sorts of hideous things like that.

Anyway this being was fucking a known paedophile (awaiting trial again) and quite rightly SS got involved and told her that if she didn't stop seeing this thing then they'd take her daughter away. After however many warnings finally her daughter was removed as she said to them that they can't stop her seeing the love of her life and that he means more to her than any child could.

Henious, vile beings. Luckily the child is now being looked after by someone who is actually capable. Paedo is still in prison...I hope he gets his cock chopped off.

FeelingOld · 19/09/2010 11:28

My daughter has gone through this with my exh she used to see him most weekends but a year ago (she was 14 at the time)she dedided she wanted to cut him out of her life. The reason is that he ALWAYS puts his new wife first and if my dd wants to do something of go somewhere or just spend some time with her dad alone (even if its just cuddling up to him on the sofa to watch tv), new wife kicks up such a fuss, has a tantrum and exh gives into her for a quiet life so dd gets pushed out all the time.
I have tried to mediate between them by asking if her dad can put his daughter first sometimes on the 1 day he has her a week, his wife gets him to herself the other 6. He says thats making him choose between his wife and his daughter and obviously he is not gonna give his wife up!! Wtf?? Thats not what i was asking him to do at all.

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