parents who chose partner over thier kids

[DaisyDaresYOU]

aibu to really not understand how a parent can chose a new partner over thier kids?my dad for instance let es then gf make my life hell.She was a bullying control freak who scared me, he then went on to marry her.Now if a new partner bullied my kids he would be gone asap.

"meltedchocolate" my crystal ball is in my other handbag so I have no idea about other children.

I am, however, explaining what can and does happen very often. Wingandaprayer agreed that it happened to her. My family is not an isolated case. Nor were they even negligent, just a tiny shift of focus and life is never the same again.

There is empirical evidence that girls who grow up in an environment where the father has left start puberty much earlier than 2 parent families.

My mum did this to my little sister. My sister was 13 when my mum met her DP. She left my dad, and left my sister with my dad. To be fair she did ask my sister who she wanted to live with, but sister said she just wanted to stay in the family home. So for whatever reason my mum chose to leave, instead of asking my dad to leave.

I was 17 and already living with DH so it didn't effect me or my relationship with my mum. But from then on my mum seemed to just not bother with my sister. She left it up to my sister to make arrangements to see her etc. It was a very unfair thing to do a vulnerable 13 year old girl. They had a difficult relationship for many years. And even though now 15 years later they have a good relationship it will never be what it could have been. My sister always turns to me rather than my mum.

BIL has recently left his kids. He split from his wife last year, but continued to see the kids regularly. But about 6 months ago he just decided he couldn't face seeing his ex any more and stopped seeing the kids.

DSD's mum has also done this. She has 3 kids DSD being the eldest. DSD lives with us and has done since she was 9. Before that she lived with her nan. Her younger siblings live with their dad. In fact the dad is only the father of the youngest, the elder child has a different dad. But he couldn't bear to split the siblings up so just treats the elder child like his own. (Even though she knows he isn't her dad). Him and his girlfriend bring them up. He has also been very good to DSD. DSD's mum doesn't have any of her kids living with her.

Actually it would seem quite common wouldn't really. How sad. I honestly don't know how people can just leave their children and not have regular contact with them.

My mum handed us to my sperm donor when I was 9, after initially considering putting us in care temporarily. She had a new man/new baby and they were constantly rowing as money was tight. She figured he would leave and she would be struggling even more with 3 kids, and SD made it sound like we would have a perfect life.
SD was worse than anyone could imagine, allowed no contact and I didn't see mum again until I traced her through the Salvation Army when I was 21.
Have an ok relationship with her now, get on great with extra (half) siblings and tolerate the man she's still with 30+ years later.
I could be angry/bitter/hurt but don't see the point; no-one could feel a guilty as she will every day for the rest of her life.
I hope you find peace within yourself Daisy, parent's can't always give you that sadly.

I think often though when people put their partners first it's because the partner is controlling, manipulative or abusive. And unless you can recognise this they twist everything that happens and perhaps they are even capable of twisting this - the love that a parent has for their child - to their advantage? :( The parent who puts their partner first is, all too often, a victim themselves.

Obviously there are different levels. But a new partner who is nasty or bullying towards children is likely to be abusive and controlling toward the parent as well and that can cloud their judgement.

He is a victim i think.e was treated like a cash machine by her.He was a a lovely dad before he met her

Alouiseg, wingandprayer, I feel very angry about your experiences.

wing: "Both partners have destroyed their lives - ruined them financially and it will be my brother and I supporting them in their old age." Do you have to - support your parents in their old age? What's to stop you from cutting them off.

A few songs i listen to remind me of my dad when e was a dad.songs e used to sing to when i was little.its quite sad really,i'll never get my dad back but i feel amazingly happy when things remind me off him when e was younger.its like i mourn for him

Daisy, I am really sorry you had to go through that. It must have rocked your faith in your father and more. It is a type of bereavement - your trust was broken by someone who should have been there for you, not being weak.

I don't think YABU at all, but I also don't think it does any good to try not to understand why some parents behave like this or to hold onto anger or hurt because of it.

My Mum and Dad split when I was 4. Nasty custody battle where it transpired my Mum had had an affair, something in those days that was thought of as horrendous. My Dad got custody, but I am not sure he ever wanted it, his parents had pushed for it, IMO. My Dad then remarried to my vile stepmother who was nasty, bullying and violent towards my sister and I. (She would tell us to tidy our bedrooms and then untidy them 5 mins or so before my Dad came home from work so it looked like we hadn't tidied them at all and we'd get smacked for it). Eventually she told my Dad it was her or us, so we were packed off to live with my Mum and Stepdad. My stepdad then abused me (sexually) and my Mum still stayed with him and I went to live with my friend and her parents, who fostered me.

I have no idea why my Dad chose my stepmum, neither do I care. I don't see him and other than at my sisters wedding in 1999 I haven't seen him for 20 years. I am happy with that arrangement, he means nothing to me. I realise that due to a difficult childhood herself my Mum has had real problems with depression and self esteem her whole life. She eventually left my stepdad after it transpired he had also abused my sister and then went on to have a string of unsuitable boyfriends. It is only in the last couple of years she has actually realised she can cope without a man. I feel very sorry for her. I knwo she deeply regrets how she behaved and she does love us, she just never knew how to be a Mum. She still doesn't really, but she does do her best and I no longer feel any anger at how my childhood turned out because of her.

I always try and think of the positives and one thing I have learnt is to make absolutely sure my children feel safe and loved. I am not with their father, but have a good relationship with him and my now husband loves my children like his own. I am not the perfect parent, but my children mean everything to me.

blueshoes it's fair question. Problem is that some recent events have bought a dawning realisation to my mum that she has monumentally f*cked up. She's realised she's not even step dad's priority really. If he dies before her, I just can't see her left with her grief plus nothing. If she dies first I will cut him off without a further thought. The idea that between now and then all she has is that idiot and the grief that follows him and his family round is just horrendously painful for me so I can't opt out of being that 'respite' for her, even though it takes it's toll on me emotionally. At one point last year I had to tell her to stop talking about one matter it was causing me so much stress.

Ironically with dad, a new partner has redeemed our relationship somewhat. He's not perfect by along stretch, but new step mother who is lovely has actively encouraged our involvement in his life and has been personally supportive to me at difficult moments. He has enjoyed this much more, and again, realised what he's missed out on. But I always tell him that it was his choice at the time and he is jointly reponsible with ex step mother for the betrayal.

But to go back to Alouiseg's point and meltedchocolate's post, to an outsider, nothing looked like it had changed for us as kids, we had a "great life", we were one big slightly disjointed but "happy family". But there was a shift when parents found new partners, a tiny one to start with, that grew bigger and bigger and manifested itself in odd little ways. I understand how it happens. I underatnd that we all, to some extent, change a little but when we get into a relationship in order to make things work better in partnership and usually these changes are for the better. But sometimes these changes to make the couple dynamic work affect the parent dynamic too. And often in these situations,it is expected that the children are the ones who need to adjust for this change rather than the adult realising how it will affect them and adjusting the partnership dynamic again. It's so subtle it's barely perceptible.

I would struggle to forgive, daisy

My friend's mum, married someone who was already knocking around her daughter, despite her own mother begging her not to because...
"She had to have a man in her life"

She died several years ago, standing by doing nothing whilst her daughter was abused and humiliated constantly throughout her childhood.
We aren't talking about some poorly educated woman who felt she had no choice, we are talking about a middle class woman who could have been financially independent on her widow's pension, and was educated enough to go out and get a very good job.
If I were inclined towards being brutally harsh I would say she deserved every minute of her agonizing death.

Me and my siblings had more dads than we had hot dinners when we were little.Would wake up almost everyday to a different guy in our mums bed.My real dad was great to us though and took us regularly and has always been there for us.Resulted in my siblings staying with grandparents and i ended up in care at 13.All so my mother could get her jollys,selfish cow.

My ex is emigrating to Aus to be with his partner and her DCs. I worry about how our DCs will perceive this when they are older but for the time being I am encompassing all that is thrown at us whilst keeping the DCs as stable and happy as I can. They'll get a nice longhaul holiday out of it I suppose.

My (Friend/ adopted Sister) was thrown out of her home by her Mum after she refused to believe her when she told her Mum her Step-dad had been abusing her for 4 years.

Hence how she came to live with us. The court couldn't get a conviction against him so it was basically her word against his.

For what it's worth, my Sister has said that it all coming out and being chucked out was probably the best thing that ever happened to her. My Parents have supported her more in the 5 years she lived with us than the 16 years she was at 'home'.

She has said that she will never forgive her real Mum for what she has done to her. And I dont blame her.

That is meant to say (friend - now adopted sister)