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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

parents who chose partner over thier kids

66 replies

DaisyDaresYOU · 18/09/2010 21:07

aibu to really not understand how a parent can chose a new partner over thier kids?my dad for instance let es then gf make my life hell.She was a bullying control freak who scared me, he then went on to marry her.Now if a new partner bullied my kids he would be gone asap.

OP posts:
squarehat · 18/09/2010 21:13

Don't understand how anyone can choose a partner over their child(ren) sadly seen it many times though. One woman i know has no contact with two of her three children as she chose to stay with her partner despite her children loathing him (with good reason IMO).

YANBU by the way :)

borderslass · 18/09/2010 21:15

I knew one who put her youngest up for adoption as new boyfriend didn't like the baby he was gorgeous, same age as my eldest now 19 her aunty adopted him in the end.

fortyplus · 18/09/2010 21:15

I know of someone who had adopted 3 of the most beautiful children you'll ever see - they were aged between 18 months and 5 years at the time.

The birth mother's partner was a drug addicted drunkard and social services refused to allow her to keep the children if she continued to live with him.

She gave them up Sad

Theincrediblesulk1 · 18/09/2010 21:16

I don't understand it either, but a lot of the time its not them actually choosing a partner over the children. Its them putting themselves before their children if you know what i mean?

LynetteScavo · 18/09/2010 21:17

I don't understand it either.

I have one friend who did it.

My friends mum did it.

I know lots of men who have done it.

I completely baffled by one friend (male) who has done it. He has chosen to live with new partner and her children, than live with or near his own. It's baffling to me.

No man could ever, ever be preferable to my DC. I just don't get it.

Original poster
DaisyDaresYOU · 18/09/2010 21:17

I think its my dad i can't really forgive for letting her drive a wedge between us.She knew he had kids before thier affair but hated the fact e had kid with a passion.It still affects me even though i have my own dcs now

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyDaresYOU · 18/09/2010 21:23

My mum tells me i have to forgive them but i really really can't.Theres things they do still that make me angry,in the same week i had dd i had to put up with them for a week under my feet.they didnt ask if it was ok to see us just assumed

OP posts:
moominmarvellous · 18/09/2010 21:24

No it is something I can never understand.

I know of people who have finally ended one disfunctional and violent relationship, only to move onto another and have their children see the same pattern repeating itself as though it were normal.

People can have a wealth of advice and support, but I think that if someone is doing something that is harmful to themselves in any way, be it to their health or emotional wellbeing, if they can't stop for love of their own children, and to make a difference to their lives, they're probably never going to stop.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 18/09/2010 21:29

My stepmother abandoned her 3 kids to go and live with my dad. Personally I feel more sorry for her kids than for me.

Original poster
DaisyDaresYOU · 18/09/2010 21:35

I did after it got so bad i had to lock myself in bathroom say to my dad its me or her?hes answer was..but i love her...i was a child i didnt see him for a quite a few years after.as far as i was concerned hed choosen her.

OP posts:
neytiri · 18/09/2010 21:36

my next door neighbour has just done it, left her husband and 2 dc's (ages are 8 and 4), and gone off to live with another man. her husband is managing really well under the circumstances, the kids are doing ok too, although her 4 yr old will most likely not remember what it was like living with mum. i see her in the school playground as she does see them every day to take them to school, but i can't look at her, am disgusted with some of the things she's done. the dc's don't know about the new bloke yet.

JaynieB · 18/09/2010 21:39

Daisy - you have my sympathy. I was an adult when my parents split and my Dad later remarried - his wife really really didn't like me and made it as hard as possible for my Dad to keep in contact with me. I felt very sad and angry that he let her dictate this, but he did choose her feelings over mine.
I came to the conclusion that it hurt me more to hang on to my anger. He is still with his wife, but the situation is better now and he has said he is sorry which helped a lot.
He stills gets it wrong a lot though!

I get the feeling you're feeling pretty raw about your Dad.

Original poster
DaisyDaresYOU · 18/09/2010 21:39

Id rather have the unconditional love of my dcs than a bullying partner.im so glad i av my dcs

OP posts:
JaynieB · 18/09/2010 21:42

I can't imagine treating my DD as my Dad has treated me at times.

imregular · 18/09/2010 21:45

yanbu. Can't understand it either

Original poster
DaisyDaresYOU · 18/09/2010 21:47

I think its selfish.i dnt know how anyone can make a baby watch them grow then abandon them.i just could never do that to dcs.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyDaresYOU · 18/09/2010 21:49

I know what you mean JaynieB.It makes me :( to even think about it

OP posts:
katieandisabelle · 19/09/2010 00:25

No YANBU, I dont know how any mother can do this tbh.

My ex's mums husband used to steal of them, get things in their name, porn their stuff for cash ect.

She stayed with him! I used to really have to bite my tongue when round there sometimes.

They were grown adults FFS he just couldn't be bothered to get a job and was finding it hard after 3 streches inside for prison for fraud! Shock

If anyone did that shit to my children they would be out the door!!!

navyeyelasH · 19/09/2010 00:45

Squarehat, do you live in south Wales? My mother has 3 children and 2 of us have had no contact with her for 10+ years of her choosing.

DetectivePotato · 19/09/2010 07:35

YANBU. I cannot get my head around it at all. My mum disowned me when I was 4, not for a man but she just buggered off and left me at my nans one day.

Now I am a mum I can't imagine leaving DS at all. I would never ever choose a man over my child.

If I had a friend who done it, they wouldn't be my friend either. Sorry but I couldn't stand by and support someone that selfish as that it what they are. Thinking about what they want above their children. People like that don't deserve to be parents and OP if you can't get past it with your dad, then you shouldn't feel that you have to. If you don't want to make up with your dad, don't. I hate this thing where some people in families seem to think we all have to get along. Actually we don't. We didn't choose to be related to these people so if we don't like them, we shouldn't force ourselves to.

weegiemum · 19/09/2010 07:41

When I was 12 my Mum went to live with my Dad's best friend, both of them left their children as they 'just had to be together' Hmm

I have forgiven her, but it permanently damaged our relationship in many ways and we now don't talk - what a relief!

Chil1234 · 19/09/2010 07:42

Plenty of natural parents as well as step or adoptive parents are mean and bullying towards their children and plenty of natural/step/adoptive parents are too feeble to raise an objection. It's the way it goes and you're unlucky if you come up against one, that's all.

Original poster
DaisyDaresYOU · 19/09/2010 07:51

Unlucky yes but i shouldn't of had to be.she wasn't just mean she was spiteful with it.

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 19/09/2010 07:56

Of course it shouldn't happen in an ideal world but, human nature being what it is, there are some nasty creatures out there who bully children. There are also some cowardly types that don't stand up for their children in the face of ill-treatment. You see it all the time when women allow their children to be abused by a partner, turning a blind eye rather than lose a man. So you were unlucky to get that combination.... What would be worse, however, would be if you carried resentment about past problems forward into the rest of your life and allowed it to spoil the future

Anniegetyourgun · 19/09/2010 07:59

They just came to stay in your house for a week without asking, Daisy?

You do realise that just because he's your dad doesn't mean you can't tell him to feck off? If someone turns up on your doorstep with a suitcase, I don't care if it's your parent, Santa Claus or the Archangel Gabriel, you have every right to say to them that you are not able to put them up.

It's all very well for him to say he's chosen the love of his life over a child he didn't see enough of when she was young, but quite enough to inflict the woman on said child in her own home. Bloody cheek. Am bristling on your behalf.

You have the right to say no.

You also have the right to say no to your mother when she tells you you "must" forgive them. It is good for the soul to forgive (though sometimes impossible), but you do it in your own time when you are able, not because someone else tells you you have to. You don't have to. And even if you do, that doesn't mean you have to let them into your home. You can forgive at a distance!