to think leaving your 4yr old to play in the park while you read a book is wrong?

[ttalloo]

I was going up and down the slide at the park today with my two DSs, when a little girl started asking me if she could come down the slide with me (I was sliding down with both boys). She seemed all by herself, and was very polite and sweet, so I said yes, and we played on the slide together for about half an hour.

After that, the boys got tired of the slide and wanted to race around, so she joined us. I asked where her mother was, and she pointed to a woman sitting about 50 feet away from us in the sun with her nose buried in a book. The boys started jumping off tree stumps, so the little girl joined in, and all the while I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable at having the responsibility for someone else's child thrust upon me in this way.

Don't get me wrong - I didn't mind the little girl joining in with us. She was a nice little thing, who obviously wanted company, and DS1 seemed to like having her around, but I just don't think it was right for her mother to bring her to the park, and leave her to her own devices, talking to strangers, while she spent at least an hour, during which I was babysitting her daughter, reading a book.

AIBU to think the mother was lazy and irresponsible, and to feel sorry for her little girl, who clearly needed some attention?

I don't actually think you are being unreasonable. Fair enough for her to sit and read for a bit, but an hour is a long time. I alternate playing with my kids at the park and sitting down telling them to go play by themselves.

They're not little for long - isn't it nice to play with them for a bit of the time? Fair enough not to hover over your child's every move, but why the pressure to insist on your child doing everything without you at every given moment, as if to interact with your child and enjoy playing with them is somehow "weak" and "pathetic"?

You can hardly say "go away" to the child so if they are joining in with your kids they do become your responsibility in a way - if the girl had fallen off the slide the mother could have decided that was your fault, because you were standing next to her and had "allowed" her to fall.

She should have come over to check you didn't mind or thank you for helping entertain her child - that's just basic manners.

And why shouldn't you go on the slide? We have a zip wire in our park and DH and I are always fighting to go first on it.

pagwatch

disagreements are fine but nastiness {which appears rife here} is not. There's a degree of the "Old boys club" about Mumsnet methinks.

Anenome

The cafe is al fresco, outside the playground. I can pretty much stretch my hand out and TOUCH the fence around the playground, if I want to. Sorry for not clarifying. I would not sit inside a cafe if my sons were alone in the playground across the street, or something...

I am now confused about what question I asked.

I was curious about why a 5 and 8 year old can't play in a park. Not sure what you are answering.
Or are you saying that you are shaping your comments to create an opposition to some on this thread rather than arguing the issue in the OP.
Because I think I am arguing the issue in the OP

oooh - you mean the lol at not interested.... = bitching comment.

I hadn't actually connected both those comments with you.

[light dawns]

I think that ( to paraphrase)

OP said : leaving you child in playfground is wrong and lazy
posters said: hang on- I leave my child. I think hovering over them is wrong
OP said :well you are just bitching from behind your iphones

I can't see it as a cartel as much as peoiple being pissed off at being described as crap negligent parents.

oops, i didnt know other parents laughed at mums going down the slide...thatl be me!

i think she was fine to be left playing

This thread reminded me that a couple of years ago when my DC were 2 & 3 I was at Legoland - it was hell. They both wanted to go in different directions and neither understood why queueing took so long. Invariably when we got to front of queue one of them needed a poo.

Whilst we were having lunch (another fraught affair) there was a woman lounging alone on a rug reading her book. 40 mins into lunch her two children ran up, grabbed some cash and ran off again. I reckon they were around 8 or 9.

How I longed to be that woman!

Pag

It would appear that even if you are within 10 feet of your kids if you are not hovering over them, or holding their hand at all times they might be abducted

It's a sad world when kids are not allowed to be kids - playing independently and forming relationships with their peer group while their parent sit having a coffee and chatting to other mums - where they can see their kids at all times. In this case the mum was sitting in the park on a park bench where she could see her dd at all times. Yet the OP was "concerned" she may have been abducted!!

OP you obviously think you are some sort of martyr for "Looking after" 3 children whilst the other mum was so bored she chose to read a book. TBH I do not believe you when you say the other mum did not look over to check on her dd for a whole hour - bit of an exaggeration I think. If you are convinced you are right why did you post asking for other opinions??

This is what I meant by nasty....there's no need to call the OP a martyr...or be so sarcastic...she can post all she wants....asking for opinons is fine and yes, sometimes people post looking for others of the same mindset as them in order to discuss tactics...how to deal with situations which may arise in the future.

I don't hover, nor wrap my kids in cotton wool...my eldest is 6 and she always gets on with mixing and running round alone in the park...my youngest is 2 and so I "hover" all the time....she goes on the slide alone if she wants but I sit nearby with my eye firmly upon her...not on a book.

I DO have a healthy fear of strangers in a busy urban park with bushes, hedges and three exits...I also believe that there are more people about in the UK today..a LOT more....than there were twenty odd years ago nd therefore child abduction is more prevelant than it once was.

My thoughts on the matter are better safe than sorry.

OP you asked the question:
"AIBU to think the mother was lazy and irresponsible, and to feel sorry for her little girl, who clearly needed some attention?"

Putting aside the red herrings, you have a resounding YABU in reply.

Is there any chance at all that you might hear this and think, well, maybe I was a bit unreasonable? Maybe they all have a point. Maybe next time I won't assume the kid is lonely and neglected, since so many other people let their kids play with other families without getting involved. Isn't AIBU a great place for finding out about how other people see things!

I think you are in danger of wrapping everyone who has disagreed with the Op in the same box. I haven't called her a martyr.
I disgreed with her .

People have been disagreeing with the behviour without calling OP names. But again OP was pretty rude in her OP

Anyway. I don't have a massive fear of strangers. I get quite frustrated withthe whole strangerdanger approach to child safety. I think the facts are that child abduction statistics are one of the least variable - certainly I remember reading a few years ago that the chances of a child being abducted had not varied in over thirty years.
I think our perception that the outside world is a scary place is massively affected bythe media.

But I have a different view
I was abused as a child by two different people in spite of having attentive caring parents.
I was not abused when I was sent to the park with my siblings. I was abused when I was left with trusted adults.

I want my DCs to be as confident as possible. To be intuitive and savvy around people. They don't learn that if i am over seeing all their interacations. They learn itthrough experience. And I think a very confidenct child is less of a target to many child abusers

I am torn by this OP.
In one sense, I do get really annoyed when I take my kids out for a play and then another child comes booming over and says in a really confident way 'CAN I PLAY WITH YOU?' or 'LOOK AT ME, LOOK WHAT I AM DOING.' or something like that, and then completely dominate the rest of our time in the pool / park wherever. This may be because I hang out in highbury a lot !
But that does really bug me, I would never be mean to a child and say 'no actually I don't want to look at you jump in for the 50th time because this is my precious time with my own children and you are totally stuffing it up for them!' but I do look around for random unconnected adults trying to establish who the parents are, and if I figure it out and say ;maybe mummy would like to see you do that too' or something like that.

For people who think it is not annoying for their annoying children to latch on to another family, you are wrong, they are really annoying!

However OP - I think going down the slide with your kids is hilarious. I do go on the play equipment with my kids sometimes though i suppose, but not like every single time we go. Usually I jusy hand out with DH while mine riot around, but I would certainly intervene if any of them seemed to have latched on to another adult.

Clear as mud

Over and out

I agree with some of the things the OP has said, as I have to hover over my 2yo DD who is a daredevil and I invariably attract other children, which is generally delightful.

Anyway, I was going to post a new thread when I found this one, so I'm joining in as it is related. A bit long-winded I'm afraid...

At our playground, there is a covered spiral slide. It is actually a bit scary and several parents go down with their children! A boy (maybe 4?) sat near the bottom, where the tunnel part opens out, and his legs were dangling in the opening. I tried to tell him that it wasn't the best place for him, as he could injure someone coming down and/or get injured himself. (People at the top can't see the bottom.) Then I offered to help him down, but he refused so I moved on. A few minutes later, his legs did interfere with someone coming down, so one father leaned in to disentangle everyone, which meant touching the boy. Who then ran screaming to his mother. She was on a bench, not far, but out of our line of sight. I thought nothing more of it until she came up to me at the swings asking if I was the one yelling at her son. As I hadn't yelled at him, I tried to explain, but she only shouted louder. She hadn't seen anything and refused to listen. That's when the father who had touched the boy tried to explain what happened, but she only shouted at both of us even more.

Now the OP was playing with a nice little girl who knew how to behave. This little boy's mother wasn't within sight and then got upset by some perceived 'village parenting'. So what is a parent to do when an unminded child is a safety hazard?

OP, absolutely not unreasonable. Whilst hordes of whinging, finger-pointing, etc ad nauseam, parentials, on this very site, obviously disagree with me, YANBU the slightest.
So many of the very same whingeing smoking, etc, parentials often mistake giving their toddlers free reign to 'learn independance' with expecting the blooming society to look after/teach/ protect their children.
In short, pass on the responsibility of parenting....
The very same way many of them expect the society to feed, clothe and shelter them and their numerous offspring, as well.

Anemone abductions by strangers are no more common today than they were 20 years ago That is a myth perpetuated by red top tabloids.
OP you really take the in the agree with me or I'll call you biatches stakes.

Blimey Rollmops

I don't smoke, don't expect anyone to take responsibility for my children, don't take anything from the state - never have.

But I do think children need to learn independence.
I suspect my irritation with your comments is probably a bit irrational though.

I suspect that my attitude is coloured by DS2 who never will be independent. That is not an attempt to drag SN in - but just to say that until you have a child who cannot achieve independence it is hard to see the very many ways in which it promotes clear decision making, confidence, social skills, speech, communication etc etc.

Having that considered as parental buck passing is a bit off as is stereotyping parents who want their child to be independent as fag smoking skanky types

If you don't want to come into contact with other children ..don't take them to the park ..its not your own personal playground ..buy a slide and a swing for your own garden then you can have fun and family time all by yourself

I'm agreeing a lot with Pagwatch on this thread.

Yes

Got a light hobnob?

Where did this hovering=better parent myth come from anyway? It's merely martyrish to not allow yourself to read a book while your children play, not better

filly... and ...nob..., plastic wine glasses are not accepted around here you see [snotty emoticon]. Do move on, there's a nice bench about 5 miles or so.
Ahem...

Rollmops I am quite happy to let my DD learn independence and do not feel the need to constantly hover over her, but like pagwatch I do not expect anyone else, or the state for that matter to look after her, and I have never, ever been in receipt of any state handouts.

Not wanting to interfere in your DCs play and interaction with others does not make you a bad parent. Although having said that I was a secret smoker for a while when DD was little so was always glad if she was happily engaged so that I could sneak off for a quick drag.

Correction - I am a crap parent. Pass the hobnobs?

Wow Rollmops!

That's a stereo-typical statement!

I do not smoke. I do not sponge off the state and I do not expect anyone else to care for my kids.

In the OP's scenario it appears that she was not unhappy with the little girl joining in with her and her DC's games. She was pissed off because the other mum was sat on a bench reading a book.

Over the years I have done my fair share of entertaining other people's children too. I have done so because my children (as all children) like the company of other children. As they grow older you back off more and more thus allowing them to socialise independently - it is called encouraging children's social skills.

There have been occasions when another child has become a PITA for one reason or another, and I have either called the mother over to sort him/her out or taken my kids and moved away from the other child or told the child "we have finished playing now. Go back and see your mother".

The OP could have done any of these things if she genuinly did not want the company of the other child.