to think leaving your 4yr old to play in the park while you read a book is wrong?

[ttalloo]

I was going up and down the slide at the park today with my two DSs, when a little girl started asking me if she could come down the slide with me (I was sliding down with both boys). She seemed all by herself, and was very polite and sweet, so I said yes, and we played on the slide together for about half an hour.

After that, the boys got tired of the slide and wanted to race around, so she joined us. I asked where her mother was, and she pointed to a woman sitting about 50 feet away from us in the sun with her nose buried in a book. The boys started jumping off tree stumps, so the little girl joined in, and all the while I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable at having the responsibility for someone else's child thrust upon me in this way.

Don't get me wrong - I didn't mind the little girl joining in with us. She was a nice little thing, who obviously wanted company, and DS1 seemed to like having her around, but I just don't think it was right for her mother to bring her to the park, and leave her to her own devices, talking to strangers, while she spent at least an hour, during which I was babysitting her daughter, reading a book.

AIBU to think the mother was lazy and irresponsible, and to feel sorry for her little girl, who clearly needed some attention?

I get it purely from the fact that you didn't speak to the mother - because she will have thought you didn't mind playing with the child from the fact that you were playing with the child which no-one forced you to do....
And it seemingly didn't occur to you to acquaint her with the fact that you minded. Don't you see how weird this is?

I think you may find there are just a lot of parents with older children who have been there done that and realise that the angst is eassily sorted and there's no point doing something you don't want to, or you want to and seething inwardly then complaining afterwards

that way lies madness

but i'm enjoying the laugh

Just because its not helicopter parenting to play with a 2.9yo in the park doesn't mean its neglectful or lazy or irresponsable to allow your 4yo to play without you. The woman wasn't letting her toddler play by a wier or inside a lions cage whilst she got drunk. We are talking about a 4yo in a play park in sight of her mother.

YANBU - It is rude to leave your child playing with another family for an hour without checking if the family is okay with it.

Not sure why so many posters think the OP has an issue with other kids playing with her children. It's the lack of interest of the other mother that has pissed her off.

Or why so many people are critising her for actively playing with her sons? Why should she be worrying about "cutting the apron strings" for a couple of pre schoolers?

We have a few kids like that here who are 3 and 4 who play in the public park whilst their parents drink in the pub over the road. They always try and join in with me and my kids, so I know what you mean.

I do think that the kids I see are lonely and want an adult to join in with them sometimes. They always come and say to me can I play? Can you help me etc. I think its wrong personally at that young age.

I'm often found in the park reading the newspapers. I find the parents that slide down the slides with their children when they are old enough to do it themselves more weird imo.

I think an important factor here is that the girl in question seems to be an only child. My only loves adult company because she spends so much time with adults. When younger she would have seen nothing wrong in approaching an adult ( who was already playing) and asking if she could play. This would not mean that her own mother was crap and negelectful and she was looking for a new Mum. It would just mean that she liked the look of you.

Very few women will always fall into the camp of I never play with my children in the park or I am always getting my fat arse stuck on the slide. Sometimes I am hands on and play with my dd, sometimes I play with my dd and other children and sometimes I read a book. It had never entered my head that there would be some judgemental harpie taking mental notes before taking notes before running to mumsnet.

I despise this idea that mothers have to be eternal martyrs, on demand to their children 24 hours a day - never following their own interests.

By reading she was also presenting a good image to her daughter, by saying that reading is something to do for fun.

how old is your child(ren) secondoming

OP it is NOT neglectful to watch your child playing happily for an hour. If the child was upset or asking mum to play with them then that would be a different matter but they weren't - they were just pissing you off. Just because they wanted you to help them down the slide doesn't mean they were lonely - you were probably novelty value as they see their mum all the time. If you can't approach their mother or ask the child to do so nicely then that is your problem. You weren't babysitting the child as their mother was there. Can't believe this is the first time it has happened tbh - I often end up playing with tons of children along with my DD in the park - and she has more fun for it. Did your kids complain? Because I bet they had more fun having another child to play with as well as their mum for a change.
And I have no prob with parents playing with their kids - it's fun if DD doesn't mind I will play with her but if she tells me to go away I do as I'm told! And she is 2 so I'm pretty sure a 4-year-old would be more than capable of voicing which they would prefer.
You sound like a barrel of laughs tbh. Do your kids ever have friends over to play or does that get in the way of your precious bonding time?

oh and no I wouldn't have left mine alone at 2.9 or maybe even 3.5 but by 4 and in a playground with me sitting by reading of course I would - but some of my mates wouldn't because there's wouldn't have coped - just the nature of the kid

doesn't make you better

Secondcoming - 'there are a lot of very selfish parents about on this thread imo.'

Why assume the parents who think OP IBU are identifying with the mum sitting reading a book? Maybe we are mums who wouldn't actually mind if someone else's kid played with our family for an hour?

She was 50 ft away, not miles away.

Her dd is 4 not 2.9 or 3.5

Its not her 'job' to go down the slide more than it is her job to show thats its ok to play without mummy, its ok to play alone or with others in the park within sight of her parent, its ok for mummy to have hobbies, being a parent, or more specifically a mother is not one endless martyr fest.

I trail around the park with my 1yo but my 4yo doesn't need or want my help. She can manage all the equipment, she can manage herself socially, she will shout if she needs me. In an ideal world I would sit and read a book so she would know where I was but I move about with ds but she still manages to find me because she is 4, not 1 or 2 or 3.

She wasn't miles away. 2 and 3 is quite a while ago although it is not beyond the realms of possibility. As I said very few of us never play with our children in the park or insist every time on playing with them relentlessly. That does not make me a laxy fuck.

The woman wasn't miles away and her child was 4 not 2.9!

Yesterday I took DD to the park to give DH a chance to do some work. I sat on a bench mumsnetting on my iPhone and let her play on the equipment, helping her when she needed it. But I let her play on a roundabout with a 5 and 8 year old and their dad who didn't mind DD coming on with them, they were happily playing together then going up the slide together. TBH that's part of the reason I take her to the park, so she can interact with other people, not just me!

It's not that she was necessarily not happy playing alone, but playing with other new children is probably far more fun!

There's two issues here though, is it irresponsible and neglectful to leave your children to play by themselves - IMO no, not necessarily. Second, was the mother rude for not looking up from her book to check that the OP didn't mind her DD playing with her family - yes.

The OP is being a bit unfair on the mother, but it's not fair either to pick apart her parenting on here. So what if she wants to make a tit out of herself in the park with her kids, fair play, doesn't make her a worse parent. I feel bad that I don't enjoy it or do it more, but there you go. Too much competitive 'relaxed parenting' on here. And that comes from one of the laziest around!

Op why did you start a thread asking if you are being unreasonable when yuo evidently dont believe you are?

oh, but i was really enjoying my book.

Quite a lot of posters on this thread are quick to be very harsh- on both sides of the fence. Having no experience in taking my DS to the park as he's still 6 months, I can't really comment on playground politics. But reading this has really made me think about the different ways people judge each other. I think kids should deffo be able to play together without their parents being judged for being lazy, but equally I always find it heart-wrenchingly cute when you see a lovely family- mummy, daddy, kids- all playing together in a park. We are so black and white here. In many other cultures, kids and adults all play together without the fear of judgement and everyone looks out for the other people's kids, and men are happy to play with kids without being judged as 'helicoptery' and 'over-protective'. Having said that, worrying about your kids playing with a child who is a 'swearer' or a 'hitter' is very sad indeed.

OP YABU but you clearly don't believe you are so why ask.

I can't quite make up my mind about this I guess there are points where YABU and others where YANBU.

I have a 4YO DS and we often go to the park where I rarely join in, partly because I would prefer him to play with other children and partly because he would feel tied down if I sat with him at all times and would probably not bother to socialize (because as usual mum was there), this is something children need to learn as well as independance which IMO they only truly learn if parents stand back every now and again and leave them to it (within boundaries obv.) so I think YABU to say that it is lazy parenting.

BUT on the other hand if my DS had tagged onto an adult I would certainly atleast go over and make sure he was not bothering them, and I don't think I would bury my nose in a book either because I tend to zone out with things like that so I'm normally standing around watching fromm a distnace or talking to people whilst keeping my eye on DS. So in that respect YANBU.

:)

For future reference Op the phrase "it is time to play with your own mummy" will come in very handy.

YABVU

I have gone to the park and read a book for half an hour. Occasionally I will look up to check they are OK. Unless you were wathcing the mother constantly how on Earth do you know she wasn't checking on her own DD? 4 yr olds should be capable of entertaining themselves for a little bit.

My view is that YANBU.

Much as I would LOVE to sit on a park bench reading whilst my DCs played, I wouldn't be able to relax as 1) they would be falling over/hurting themselves within minutes 2) they enjoy me being there and helping them and would be nagging me and 3) it is unfair to put any responsibility onto other parents/carers.

I quite often end up disciplining other people's DCs at soft play. As a mum of 3 i understand that parents can't watch all their DCs all of the time, but I get annoyed if i know the parents of the rough, pushy, rude DCs (often playing in the baby areas) are the ones sat reading as far away as possible from the play area and don't care what their DCs are up to.

And whilst i didn't mind the little girl who latched onto my 3 DCs in the park the other week and wanted to play football with us (I felt sorry for her being on her own), I was a bit put-out when we were leaving that her mum obviously sent her back with a toy to play with as she most probably wanted to continue her chat on the park bench and use me as her DDs babysitter . So I can totally see your point of view.