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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of this woman asking my child on playdates

152 replies

Anenome · 15/09/2010 12:54

Ok...sorry if this is abit long winded. My daughter is 6, in her class (which is tiny...only has 4 girls) thee is one little girl wit comple special needs, she plays with all the other girls at school including my child...but sometimes due to her needs she gets very aggressive and disruptive. At those tmes, the other kids have been told to get a teacher who will take her in to calm down alone.

Last term she poked my child in the face with a fork during lunch marking her...after that they got her an assistant to sit with her... and since then my little girl has been wary of her.

The problem is that naturally the girls Mum wants her to intergrate well and so she costantly asks my child for a playdate at their home...my child just does not want to go though. The Mum has a big home and health problem herself so is is not very mobile and my child does not want to be alone with the little girl.

In the past I have made up lame ecuses but last week she caught me off guard and asked if we could ALL go to play there for a couple of hours, she offered me a lift as I do not drive! I stupidly said yes...now my child is very annoyed and upset even though I have told her I will be present.

Should I make her put up with it and just go? I feel that to keep refusing is tantamount to exclusion...but on the other hand, why should my 6 year old be made to play with a child she is nervous of? I also feel peeved that this woman has cornered me a bit.

What can I say to get out of it though?

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 15/09/2010 12:57

That is really tricky. If she has a large house, could you try to get another of the girls in the class to go as well. It is difficult, you don't want to ostracise one individual, but you do want what makes your DC happy.

MollieO · 15/09/2010 12:59

Can't you talk to your dd about this child's SN and explain that she doesn't mean to behave how she does. Maybe if you do that then your dd won't be so nervous. Also the fact that you will be there too should reassure her. Ds is 6 and this is what I would do if I were in your situation.

There is a child with SN in ds's class and he is one of the few children who will play with this child and be friends with him. Nothing to do with me, just how ds is. He also seems to understand that the child is not responsible for the behavioural issues it has.

Curlybrunette · 15/09/2010 13:00

Oh dear I hate situations like this. I am a real wimp and hate the thought of upsetting anyone so I would go and bribe dd with something if she at least pretends to enjoy herself. Bad mum I know. Chances are when she gets to this girls house she will have fun, other people's toys are always fun, plus the girl will probably be much more settled in her own home.

As much as I would love to be braver and say no to people I can't and I have had 'charity friends' in the past. It's never a good situation but easier (for me) than telling them you don't wish to be their friend.

x

Original poster
Anenome · 15/09/2010 13:00

That's right Kreecherlivesupstairs....I hate the thought of leaving her out...but in all honesty feel my own childs needs should cme first...but then...aaagh! what to do?

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 15/09/2010 13:02

Hmm. I think I would say "sorry, dd doesn't want to come"
I do believe in asking then, even at this age, rather than then having to entertain people that they don't to

Original poster
Anenome · 15/09/2010 13:02

I have explained that the litte girl has a mind which works differently and her anger is due to frustration...because she cannot d certain things...but my daughter is actually getting upset at the thoght of going there...

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 15/09/2010 13:03

I would be truthful with the woman - you can't make up excuses forever. She will know you are making up excuses and will be hurt and offended by that. I don't think it is right to make your child go on a playdate that she really doesn't want to attend. These things are supposed to be fun and if they are not, then there is no point going. I think if you make your dd go, she will be resentful and it won't help the two girls to get along in the future.
I would talk to my daughter about this other little girls SN so she may understand why this girl sometimes behaves as she does, but I think giving the children time and not forcing a friendship is the best answer

DameGladys · 15/09/2010 13:03

Go, and supervise carefully but tactfully.

Hopefully they will then have fun - if the boundaries are clear - and be more friendly. This could mean the world to the other girl and gain your DD a good friend too.

The other mother was sensible to ask you along as well.

Please go. I'm not surprised the mother has cornered you - sounds like the only way she can get playdates for her daughter. She sounds canny and prepared to push hard in her daughter's best interests.

Of course if it doesn't work out and it's really that bad, you don't have to go again.

BuntyPenfold · 15/09/2010 13:05

Can you just go this once and see how it is?
Have some excuse ready to cut the visit short if it seems dire?
Or better, be honest (up to a point)if things go wrong and say they don't seem to play well together, do they?
That doesn't load blame on the other child and covers you for the next invititation.
Sad though.

MrsRhettButler · 15/09/2010 13:06

agree with damegladys, tell dd if she doesn't enjoy it then she wont have to go again but try and explain to her that you are going to give it a try

mrsruffallo · 15/09/2010 13:07

I thinl I would explain that your daughter was scared ever since the fork incident. As adults, I am sure the discussion could be a reasonable one
I really wouldn't go.
Please don't force your child into something that she is anxious about.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 15/09/2010 13:08

The only reason I suggested the other child is we have been in that situation ourselves. A girl joined DD's school class halfway through the year and really latched onto DD. Both are onlies which, in the other girls mind made them special Hmm. DD suffered months of being clouted by friend when things didn't go her way or when DD played with someone else. Mum to other girl was desperate for her DD to have a friend and sent all manner of crap in with girl to buy a friend. Luckily for us, DD isn't for sale and has her own mind. I did feel bad about never accepting the other girls offer of a play after school so arranged for there to be another girl with them to dilute it.

Original poster
Anenome · 15/09/2010 13:08

hmm....I think you hit he nail on the head...it's meant to be fun! I think I might be brave and say that DD does nt want to go...honesty is best and though I feel for her dillema I am not responsble for socialising her child.

OP posts:
pagwatch · 15/09/2010 13:09

If it were me I would contact her and explain that my DD is a little nervous because of the previous incident.
I would say that I will bring DD but that, in the circumstances, it would be important to you and your DD that you ( the parents) find a way to help them play and make sure they are comfortable. I would phrase it in terms of
'as it would be nice for our DDs to play it is important that we help them both manage a play date - get comfortable with each other - without further incidents'

She has to be aware that her DD is potentially challenging and if she cannot help you at least manage the play date ( which when they are that young is not too difficult) then I would reluctantly refuse.

Ultimately we have to care for our own dcs

pagwatch · 15/09/2010 13:12

the thing is that a dreadful an incident as it was - the fork thing was last term and this child may well have moved on from those behaviours. The mum may be trying to re-establish a budding friendship now the DD seems able to cope with it.

BuntyPenfold · 15/09/2010 13:15

I was wondering if the mum knows your daughter was the victim of the fork incident?
She would surely understand her wariness then?

DameGladys · 15/09/2010 13:15

You don't seem to have heard the suggestions put forward to make the visit possible and maybe even enjoyable.

Were you just posting to hear people say 'nah, don't go - not your problem'?

Original poster
Anenome · 15/09/2010 13:15

Pagwatch....unfortunately the child is still hitting and kicking ona daily basis...not just my child either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anenome · 15/09/2010 13:18

DameGladys...in all honesty I was looking for input which I had not yet considered...the suggestions put forward by those who think I should go are nothing I have not already thougt of myself and dismissed,....so in a way yes...I am looking for people to help me to be brave and say no.

OP posts:
pagwatch · 15/09/2010 13:18

Ok. Now I don't understand.
If she is one of only four children how can she not be being supervised?
Have you approached the school about her hitting and kicking - what are they doing?

This child is being sadly let down.

BuntyPenfold · 15/09/2010 13:19

This is sad - does she have a TA? I can understand you feel cornered now as you did say yes to the visit.
Can you play with both children for a while? I think it is a shame if the other child thinks you are visiting now and is looking forward to it.

DameGladys · 15/09/2010 13:21

Ok, thanks for clarification and being honest. Grin

Most people come steaming back on being all defensive, so I am impressed.

Judging from that, I think you'll be able to be honest yet tactful with the other mum. Good luck.

Could you suggest meeting in the park instead or something?

GeekOfTheWeek · 15/09/2010 13:24

If the fork incident was a one off then I would go.

If the child is constantly physically agressive then I wouldn't.

Ultimately your own dc comes first.

MyBoysHaveDogsNames · 15/09/2010 13:24

I'd do what Bunty Penfold suggests and go this once to see how it is. You are presuming that you know it will turn out badly, which I can understand, but that is not very constructive.

Go with an open mind. If it doesn't work out, then you can be frank with the other mother and say that it didn't work out and to maybe try when they are older. Give it a chance. It may just be good fun!

BigBadMummy · 15/09/2010 13:24

If we ignore the SN aspect of it and look at this just being any other child in the class.... shouldn't our DCs be allowed to "choose" who they play with?

I wouldn't like to think I had to "force" my DCs to play with somebody they don't necessarily get on with.

There have been several children I can think of in my DC's various classes over the years that they have not got on with and we have just "sorry, but no".

It is really hard but I think you need to listen to your DD and accept that she doesnt want to go on playdates with this child.

Having said that, you have agreed to this one, so I would go. Persuade DD that it will be fun, but a one off.

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