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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of this woman asking my child on playdates

152 replies

Anenome · 15/09/2010 12:54

Ok...sorry if this is abit long winded. My daughter is 6, in her class (which is tiny...only has 4 girls) thee is one little girl wit comple special needs, she plays with all the other girls at school including my child...but sometimes due to her needs she gets very aggressive and disruptive. At those tmes, the other kids have been told to get a teacher who will take her in to calm down alone.

Last term she poked my child in the face with a fork during lunch marking her...after that they got her an assistant to sit with her... and since then my little girl has been wary of her.

The problem is that naturally the girls Mum wants her to intergrate well and so she costantly asks my child for a playdate at their home...my child just does not want to go though. The Mum has a big home and health problem herself so is is not very mobile and my child does not want to be alone with the little girl.

In the past I have made up lame ecuses but last week she caught me off guard and asked if we could ALL go to play there for a couple of hours, she offered me a lift as I do not drive! I stupidly said yes...now my child is very annoyed and upset even though I have told her I will be present.

Should I make her put up with it and just go? I feel that to keep refusing is tantamount to exclusion...but on the other hand, why should my 6 year old be made to play with a child she is nervous of? I also feel peeved that this woman has cornered me a bit.

What can I say to get out of it though?

OP posts:
pagwatch · 15/09/2010 14:12

Anemone

Thank you Smile

To be honest the school are not managing her needs and I am not sure why their status as an independent school makes any difference.

Have you been in to complain?

Two of my children are in independent schools. I would be at the school every day if the situtation were as you are describing.

What do they say when you speak to them?

GooseyLoosey · 15/09/2010 14:12

I have a child who has social interaction issues and who I am aware that other parents perceive as agressive.

I have asked endless children on playdates because I have to for the good of my son. I hate doing it, I know they probably don't want to come and I understand why. However, it has made my life and his a misery.

I am not saying that you should not take into account what your daughter wants or that you should put her at risk in any way. However, I would have given much for just one parent to show some understanding and for them to encourage their child to show the same. Talk to her about your concerns but recognise that her life consists of people rejecting her and her daughter and how hard that must be.

Sorry, possibly not all that helpfup for you, but I though some insight into how the other mother might feel would help.

Claw3 · 15/09/2010 14:13

I cant see the problem. Your child has been invited to play at someones house. Your child doesnt want to. Dont go.

If your child is really scared of her, why does your dd and the other girls play with her in school?

Claw3 · 15/09/2010 14:17

Goosey, if it makes you feel any better i have a ds with SN's who is not aggressive in way shape or form. He is in year 2 at school and has never been to invited to play at another childs house.

I have given up on asking children to come to play here, as they are always 'busy'.

maryz · 15/09/2010 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Anenome · 15/09/2010 14:20

Pagwatch...I think that independant schools have free reign on some issues that State schools do not. To be honest, the head is a strong Christian and she believes...quite rightly, that the children should learn how to deal with all kinds of people...now they are in cclass 2 I suspect that things my come to a head as a couple more kids have joined the class. These kids parents don't know the girls needs as well as us who have been there since nursery...I think we put up with it because the school does!

Thanks to you all for such intelligent help. I think I am going to tell the Mum tomorrow that my child is anxious and I am going to suggest they both come here to my house for an hour. Luckily we have dancing at 6.30 so can keep things short! I don't want to dissapoint the little girl..though to be perfectly honest she is quite socially unaware and may not even realise if kids exclude her.

In future I will do as someone on here suggests and say "I will ask her"

OP posts:
grapeandlemon · 15/09/2010 14:25

What a difficult one. I feel empathy for the mother but understand how your dd feels esp after the form incident.

The mum sounds intelligent enough to understand if you are honest with her. Sad situation though .

maryz · 15/09/2010 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pagwatch · 15/09/2010 14:30

Anemone
If you don't mind me saying, for the very best of reasons you are all going along with it - putting up with it as you say

Unfortunately that is absoloutely not what this child needs.
So all of you are allowing this child to lash out without there being any decent structure or action plan for supporting her and teaching her to manage this behaviour.

The net result is that you are all gritting your teeth, the mother is watching her child become more and more isolated and the child is losing valuable time.

You should, if you don't mind me saying so, go and speak to the Head about each incident.

i think because you are nice you think being stoic is helping. It isn't. This child is the one who needs support. Ignoring her behaviour because no one want to seem mean is honestly kindly meant . But it would be great if some of you started complaining about this childs lack of support so that the Head actually has to address it.

Being an independent school may mean that they can manage the behaviours differently. But it also means they are much more concerned about well reasoned complaints from well meaning and sincere, interested parents.

If no one acts when will this child get help . And how much more of a problem will her behaviour be if left unsupported? And your DD should not be anxious about being kicked and hit at school

I hope you don't feel I am criticising .I think you are totally well intentioned. I am just seeing it from the childs POV

seeker · 15/09/2010 14:31

I would insist that my child went. I would promise to keep a very close eye on things, but I would explain to my child that some people find things very difficult, and it's up to eveyone else not to make things even more difficult. I would also try to get my child to think about how she woudl feel if eshe wanted a friend to come to tea and they refused.

Some things have to be done. She's 6 - old enough to understand at least a bit of this.

weblette · 15/09/2010 14:32

Having her to yours is a good compromise and your dd might actually see a different side to her away from the pressure of school.

Agree with what pagwatch says too.

taintedpaint · 15/09/2010 14:33

I think you're doing the right thing Anenome. You're handling the situation well at the same time as not ruling out potential playtime for the girls.

I think you do need to be clear with the other mum (for her sake and her DDs sake as much as yours and your DDs). Your DD has genuine reasons to be anxious here. They are not silly 'that child looks different' reasons that can be written off with an explanation from the parents, your DD has had incidents with this other little girl and therefore is worried. Presumably the other mother is aware that her DD has very difficult behaviour at times, so she may well appreciate both your honesty and your willingness to try.

Best of luck.

grapeandlemon · 15/09/2010 14:33

Fork incident ! iPhone can't spell

seeker · 15/09/2010 14:41

To be honest, the thread title could be better chosen....

sc13 · 15/09/2010 14:42

My child has special needs which include difficulties with socialization (he's not aggressive though), so I am like the mother you describe, desperately socializing on his behalf.
So far, we've been lucky (also because, as I said, he's not aggressive) and have had playdates and repeat playdates. I think you have already realized how important this can be for the mother in question and her DD. I also agree with the MNetters here who have mentioned learning to be inclusive, etc.
But I must say, if your DD is really anxious around this other little girl, don't force her. Keen as I am for my DS to socialize, and important as it is for him, I wouldn't want another child to see playing with him as an obligation, or an act of charity.
What I think you could do is:

  • talk to the mother as honestly as you possibly can, mention the fork incident, do say that your DD is anxious about it, and perhaps let her talk a bit about the difficulties she might be having regarding her DD's behaviour too
  • give your daughter time, keep trying to explain why the other little girl's behaviour may be different, and I think gradually they may have a relationship that they are both happy with
JodiesMummy · 15/09/2010 14:49

Pagwatch - you are going into this problem over and above the issue at hand, it is NOT the OP's job to assess what the school is doing to help this child. It is the child's parents job.

I would not go, but possibly invite other child over to my house to keep a closer eye.

colditz · 15/09/2010 14:52

If someone had stabbed me with a fork i wuld not deal with them unless I was being paid or was somehow responsible for their behavior (ie, my son).

bottom line is, a six year old girl is not a play therapist.

Condensedmilkaddict · 15/09/2010 14:54

No Colditz.
A six year old is a potential friend.
And we all need those.

JodiesMummy · 15/09/2010 14:54

I agree Colditz. Why the hell are people telling the OP that she should be "complaining to the school" about the lack of socialization for this child? The OP is concerned for her daughter, the other child is the responsibility of her parents and the school.

colditz · 15/09/2010 14:55

I don't want to be friends with epople who stab me with forks.

Six year olds have memories too.

I agree (as I am the one with the socially awkward child) that everyone needs friends, but you cannot put the Sn child's need for a friend above the NT child's need to feel safe.

pagwatch · 15/09/2010 14:57

Jodies
why is it not ops job to stop her DD being kicked and scared at school?

I am trying to reassure her that she will not be stitching the child up if she goes into complain

Can you tell me when you were put in charge of limitation of subjects pertient to a thread? Because I would like to be in charge of the bisuits

maryz · 15/09/2010 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JodiesMummy · 15/09/2010 15:00

Oh I thought you were asking her to complain about the SN child's care strategies.

If the OP is worried about her child being kicked and hit there is one thing that is totally under her control - playdates. Which is what she was asking advice about.

colditz · 15/09/2010 15:00

My child is the one with difficulties in his class, and accepting someone's difficulties does not include being forced to play with someone who stabbed you with a fork.

What message does that give out about personal boundries?

Is it a message you want a young woman to take to her first relationship?

MumNWLondon · 15/09/2010 15:01

Oh dear I these situations I would go as I am bad at saying no but make sure I kept an eye on my DD. I would say to the other mum that my child was wary due to the fork incident so your child needs you there etc.

I would tell my child that the other girl find its hard to make friends so it would be a good deed to do a playdate and that its will be fine as her mummy will be there and then bribe her with something maybe.

Yes your DD's safety is first but in life we all sometimes do things we don't enjoy.