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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be sick of this woman asking my child on playdates

152 replies

Anenome · 15/09/2010 12:54

Ok...sorry if this is abit long winded. My daughter is 6, in her class (which is tiny...only has 4 girls) thee is one little girl wit comple special needs, she plays with all the other girls at school including my child...but sometimes due to her needs she gets very aggressive and disruptive. At those tmes, the other kids have been told to get a teacher who will take her in to calm down alone.

Last term she poked my child in the face with a fork during lunch marking her...after that they got her an assistant to sit with her... and since then my little girl has been wary of her.

The problem is that naturally the girls Mum wants her to intergrate well and so she costantly asks my child for a playdate at their home...my child just does not want to go though. The Mum has a big home and health problem herself so is is not very mobile and my child does not want to be alone with the little girl.

In the past I have made up lame ecuses but last week she caught me off guard and asked if we could ALL go to play there for a couple of hours, she offered me a lift as I do not drive! I stupidly said yes...now my child is very annoyed and upset even though I have told her I will be present.

Should I make her put up with it and just go? I feel that to keep refusing is tantamount to exclusion...but on the other hand, why should my 6 year old be made to play with a child she is nervous of? I also feel peeved that this woman has cornered me a bit.

What can I say to get out of it though?

OP posts:
pagwatch · 15/09/2010 13:26

I still want to know what the school are doing about the childs aggression...

please Smile

mrsruffallo · 15/09/2010 13:26

Well, yes, BBM, that's the stance I am coming from too
But when anyone asks me if dd would to come over I always say 'I'll ask her'

FetchezLaVache · 15/09/2010 13:27

Just wondering, might the child be more at ease and therefore less likely to kick off in her own home? I feel that you should go, just this once, but if it doesn't work out then explain to the mother why your DD doesn't want to go again. The mother clearly realises that your DD is scared of hers and that's why she's invited you too, so it sounds like she's not unsympathetic to your DD's concerns. If anything happens, you'll be there to put a stop to it and comfort your DD and nobody will be able to say you didn't try.

BuntyPenfold · 15/09/2010 13:27

Yes, what are the school doing?

DameGladys · 15/09/2010 13:28

It is a tricky one. I would like to think that if I was a member of a community - any sort of community - and I was aware of another member being excluded, I would try to help in some way.

I hate the idea of 'charity friends' and, yes, of course we can choose our friends. But teaching our children about inclusivity (in as non-patronising a sense as possible) could surely be quite a good thing??

tokyonambu · 15/09/2010 13:30

" I would like to think that if I was a member of a community - any sort of community - and I was aware of another member being excluded, I would try to help in some way."

If you want to spend time with people you don't like rather than people you do like out of a sense of moral duty, that's fine. But it's a bit much to ask a small child to do the job for you.

DameGladys · 15/09/2010 13:34

Yes tokyonambu, a fine analysis of what I was trying to say.

BuntyPenfold · 15/09/2010 13:37

FetchezlaVache says wisely imo. You will be able to tell yourself that you tried.

I feel for you, I can see you agreed under pressure.

The problem needs sensitive handling and what does the school do about the hitting and kicking? Until that stops of course other children will be wary (at best). And refuse to play with her at all at worst.

DandyLioness · 15/09/2010 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pagwatch · 15/09/2010 13:42

Ok. But that still doesn't answer my question. The number of children isn't really an issue except that 4 pupils would have made it more obvious.

But a child of 6 hitting and kicking on a regular, nay daily basis... I want to know what the school is doing, what they say when parents speak to them about it. All that stuff

Original poster
Anenome · 15/09/2010 13:45

I suppose I would feel happier if my child were willing...it's just that when I say anything about it...in a bright happy voice...you know...won't it be fun etc...she says NO! I DONT WANT TO GO! PLEASE!

WHich is worrying! I've had a lot og good advice here though....thank you for all the input!

OP posts:
PosieParker · 15/09/2010 13:45

I would also talk to the mother about it, although I don't have experience about how this may feel, and explain that your dd is wary?

Stillcounting · 15/09/2010 13:48

If you don't teach a child to include others when they are small, when do you do it?

And her mother will be there with her.

I'm sorry but it's a hard and unfair fact of life that children with sn are treated with suspicion - because they are different - by other dc. It's up to us adults to explain that different doesn't 'bad' or 'to be avoided' and to model that behaviour too.

I think it's good that you are going! If the child's mother has three other dc and health problems, she wouldn't be suggesting a play-date unless she was absolutely desperate for this child to make friends.

And if the child concerned does unwittingly get aggressive and disruptive and you have to step in, both mothers will be there to witness it and that could perhaps lead to more understanding on both sides.

pagwatch · 15/09/2010 13:48

anenome

Please, would you mind answering the question

The issue of how the school are dealing with this is important in terms of the whole situtaion being improved both for this child and her peers.

What are the school doing and what do they say to you when your child has been hit or kicked?

BuntyPenfold · 15/09/2010 13:49

Anenome , in that case I take back my suggestion. Then don't go as your child is imploring not to, but explain to the child's mother as soon as possible, in case she is saying 'only 2 sleeps and xxxxx is coming to play.' or some such.

The school, what are they doing?

messytessy · 15/09/2010 13:49

If you do decide to go I would keep the time to a minimum ie 1 hr and have an excuse ready. That way, if your child isn't enjoying it you won't be there long. If she does enjoy it, you get to leave before they get tired, bored etc which is when the other child is more likely to hit out.

If even this seems too much for you and your child I would be selfish. I have been in similar situations myself - including having to let a parent/ child down because I just felt too uncomfortable.

It is sad for the other child but your priority is your daughter so if after talking, explaining and coming up with solutions you just don't want to it is best to be upfront and say your child doesn't want to go at this time.

You will feel horrible but also a sense of relief if it is something you really don't want to do. However if you do decise to go and it doesn't go well I would say what the other poster suggested 'they didn't play very well together'.

PosieParker · 15/09/2010 13:52

Sorry I would go, have a chat with the mother and see if they can play a game including you or something, make sure you and dd know any triggers etc. It could be really good all round.

Condensedmilkaddict · 15/09/2010 13:57

I think you have a great opportunity here to teach your daughter about forgiveness and acceptance.

It's up to you whether you are prepared to step out of your comfort zone.

I feel very sorry for for this mother.
It can'e have been easy for her to reach out and risk rejection.
Not your problem of ocurse, but this is a chance for you to do a good thing.
I hope you do.

Original poster
Anenome · 15/09/2010 13:57

Pagwatch....the school have got the child an assistant to be with her during notably hard periods..such as lunch....and also during class...they have earmarked a quiet place for er to sit in when shegets over-stimulated...wit her assistnt and some books to look at. But the trouble is htat it is an independant school...they an do as they choose really. I dont think a State school would have accepted her...her needs are very comples.

OP posts:
Condensedmilkaddict · 15/09/2010 13:58

Can't and course.

I really need to preview before I post.

Original poster
Anenome · 15/09/2010 14:00

Condensemilkaddict...me too! Blush

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 15/09/2010 14:00

I really feel for her mother. You have described quiet anguish very well.

pinkbasket · 15/09/2010 14:03

Life is too short to do anything you don't want to do however, if you go and dd clearly doesn't enjoy it maybe the mum won't ask again?

Sassybeast · 15/09/2010 14:06

Would inviting the little girl and her mum to go somehere 'neutral' eg to the park or softplay be an option ? That way, your DD will not feel as anxious, you will still be there to supervise and they may even enjoy each others company away from the school environment. I don't think that you would have anything to lose by suggesting that ? It may well be that the other mum is unaware that it was YOUR child who was the target of the fork incident - I don't think schools disclose which child has been hurt?

Ripeberry · 15/09/2010 14:07

Problem is then you will have to have the other child in your home as you will need to return the 'favour'.

One mum tried that with me, her daughter was older than my youngest and she did not realy like her that much, but one day she went and hated every minute of it.

I've not invited the other child as later on I found out that every one else that had 'entertained' this child was being used a free childcare Angry

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