To be sick of this woman asking my child on playdates

[Anenome]

Ok...sorry if this is abit long winded. My daughter is 6, in her class (which is tiny...only has 4 girls) thee is one little girl wit comple special needs, she plays with all the other girls at school including my child...but sometimes due to her needs she gets very aggressive and disruptive. At those tmes, the other kids have been told to get a teacher who will take her in to calm down alone.

Last term she poked my child in the face with a fork during lunch marking her...after that they got her an assistant to sit with her... and since then my little girl has been wary of her.

The problem is that naturally the girls Mum wants her to intergrate well and so she costantly asks my child for a playdate at their home...my child just does not want to go though. The Mum has a big home and health problem herself so is is not very mobile and my child does not want to be alone with the little girl.

In the past I have made up lame ecuses but last week she caught me off guard and asked if we could ALL go to play there for a couple of hours, she offered me a lift as I do not drive! I stupidly said yes...now my child is very annoyed and upset even though I have told her I will be present.

Should I make her put up with it and just go? I feel that to keep refusing is tantamount to exclusion...but on the other hand, why should my 6 year old be made to play with a child she is nervous of? I also feel peeved that this woman has cornered me a bit.

What can I say to get out of it though?

There's a big difference between excluding other children at school and not wanting to go round and play with them after school. The first would be Not On, the second is fine.

However, OP is in a tricky spot as she's said yes, so I'd go this once with all the caveats everyone has suggested about location, talking to dd and watching them quite carefully.

Btw, when I was a bit older than this, I took a new girl under my wing at school. She had what would now be described as behavioural difficulties and used to hit me if I played with anyone else. Difference is I chose to be her friend, it was at school not at home, and I was quite happy managing the situation myself (probably to do with over-developed big sister syndrome or something).

YABU in blaming this woman for asking when you haven't told her the truth; you have presented her with lame excuses and she has tried to help you overcome them. Either be honest or accept that she will keep asking!

"You think Colditz made a good point? I think it's a bit of a stretch myself...

Do you also ask your daughter if she would like to eat brussel sprouts?
Go to bed on time?
Brush her teeth?

Do you respect her boundaries then too?

I will bow out now because this is something I feel very strongly about, and I can't stand intolerance towards SN kids."

I have a child with special needs. It does not give him the right to stab people with forks and still expect people to come round and see him.

Children who are in close quarters with children who have special needs learn a lot about restraint, tolerance, and differences. It's a good thing.

However, using a reluctant 6 year old little girl as play therapy for a child who did assault her, regardless of the reason, is not inclusion.

Would you like to be stabbed with a fork by someone, only to be set up, deliberately, by someone who knows the facts of the matter, on a blind date with them?

Do you even like the idea of turning up to work every day to have to work alongside someone, in a peer capacity, who once stabbed you with a fork?

We ask too goddamn much of children sometimes.

Ds1 didn't have a friend in Yr one because he got in their faces, shrieked and squeezed people. I kept explaining that when he stopped doing it, then people might want to be his friend. I certainly didn't expect people to bully their children into coming around to my house to (probably) be harassed.

As I said earlier, I don't think the OP's DD should be forced into a playdate she's unhappy about.
But (as the mother of a child with SN) I think it would be very important for the OP, whatever she decides, to be as honest as possible.
So, I'm sorry activate but I think, being a mother with the potential to be in that position, I would be more hurt by someone who told me what I can easily see to be a lie, than by someone who said, look, your DD stabbed my DD with a fork, so she does not want to play with her, but I'll try to explain to her that some children have difficulties controlling their behaviour and maybe in time who knows they may become friends.

Just say

"I'm really sorry, but DD is terrified because your DD once stabbed her with a fork. She's dead set against it, she's too fightened. Shall we accidentally bump into each other at the park instead?"

IF you want to.

Colditz....excellent suggestion, perhaps her mother is looking for a friend too. It must be terribly isolating having a dd in a mainstream school who has SN that makes her aggressive.

It's difficult isn't it. I think I would say to DD, I am sorry that I agreed for us to go without asking you first, but now that I have, we should go. I will stay with you the whole time, if you have a good time, maybe she can come to our house next time, but if you don't - we wont make arrangements to play again. The talk to her again about how the other little girl struggles with things she doesn't etc....

It is. It's horrible to feel like the reason that someone else's child is crying.

And yes, I KNOW autism isn't caused by me any more thanDown's syndrome is, but it doesn't stop me feeling bad (and her too, I guess)

She proabably is looking for a friend, and if you can bear to, I'd arrange with her to accidentally 'bump' into her at the park, where the pressure is off, it's dead easy to trill "Well, we must get on, nice to see you!" and the other child won't feel overwhelmed and crowded out, and will probably be much better behaved than at school where it's all a bit stressy/

I find myself agreeing with you alot lately colditz, which probably says nice things about me but I can't say the same for you!!

ARF

I think I would try a compromise. Explain the issues very clearly to my dd, tell her that "yes, I do understand that this isn't much fun for you, but I really would like to give it a try at least this once, for the other girl's sake". I would explain that sometimes I too have to put up with socialising with people I would really rather not, in order to do someone a kindness. But I would assure her that this kind of situation is a one off and that I am not going to make her do it on a regular basis if she doesn't want to.

I would also instruct her in what to do or say if she really feels she needs to get out/away/home quickly. Perhaps ask the other mum to be allowed to stay ("because my dd is a bit wary socially"), and agree a password with your dd if she wants to take you home.

No why should your DD have to go and entertain this child if she doesn't want to.
Ypour DD should come first

Maryz...guts have nothing to do with being honest....sometimes being honest hurts people...it would be an ideal world if we all went about being "gutsy" and telling one another the bald truth wouldn't it?

maryz that's terrible. I can understand people not wanting to invite children home that are disruptive, whether that's due to SN or not, but to invite your child home quite happily to suddenly stop when he gets a dx that's terrible!

I really feel for the little girl with SN and her Mum and I also think that it is useful for children to learn at an early age that it is important to put other people first. A play date would mean a great deal to the little girl, and would only be an hour of your DD's time. She would be safe if you were there - and I'm sure she is old enough to understand this.

To make the situation less intense, you could perhaps meet in a neutral location... Is there somewhere near the school that your DD really likes? She would probably be more amenable to going somewhere she wants to go with the other child. It would also be easier to get away if things get intense.

" until the day we started telling people he had a diagnosis of AS."

Why did you tell people, if there had been no problems?

I think that you are trying to do a really kind thing for the other girl, but I honestly think you're doing the wrong thing by your DD. YAB a bit U to expect your daughter to do this, after the fork incident. You are teaching her that what she desperately wants matters less than trying to please someone else and I don't think that's a healthy message to give her. If she felt less strongly about the playdate then that would be another thing entirely, but it sounds like she is very distressed by the idea (with good reason if she has actually been stabbed by this child, however unintentionally). Now I'm all in favour af teaching altruism, in fact I think it's extremely important, but when your child is literally BEGGING you to not make her do something, I think you're pushing it too far. Certainly you should teach her to be kind and generous to other children, but also teach her that being kind doesn't have to entail making yourself very unhappy.

tokyonambu

I don't know why Maryz decided to start telling people but I wonder why you would think she shouldn't?

AS is not shameful and telling people may help children/teenagers if they have mates who like them and value them but would benefit from understanding their behavioural quirks.

acebaby I also think that it is useful for children to learn at an early age that it is important to put other people first that is a seriously unheathly thing to teach a child. It's the reason so many of us are so bloody screwed up now! I will not be teaching my children that other people matter more than they do - I will be teaching them that they only have one life and they need to be happy, whilst considering other peoples feelings.

My ds BEGs me not to do things, like help with hanging out the washing!

OP, this woman could be anyone of us, wanting the best for her child and knowing that most people shy away from her. Just thinking about it makes me feel really sad. SN is not out of the realms of possibility for any of us or our dcs.

My ds has a very spiteful girl in his class who all of the girls ignore, apprently she's been like this since the start of school. Now even though she can be a nightmare he understands that not all children get enough love and cuddles at home and so every morning he says hello.

I am new here...I am really overwhelmed by the amount of varied and good advice I've been offered. I hope nobody thinks me insensitive...I just want to do the "right" thing...looks like there isn't one!

I am going to talk to the Mum Maryz...I wont know whaat to say till' I say it. I think it worth mentioning again that we attend a very small school...only 60 kids entirely...9 in my DD's class. The child has had another girl over a number of times but I think thats because it is convenient for her Mum....if I refuse to go then I will set a precedent...if I do go I will also set a precedent to the new girls Mums...and I thin tbh that is why we have been asked. Someone on here mentiond that the Mum is very canny....she is...but the main thing is that I try to show some social responsibility and work something out so all partie are happy.

thanks for all the advice! I feel happy knowing there's such a good community of honest folk here!

Actually I don't think six year old girls should have complete free reign to exclude or not be friendly towards other children as they choose. I went to pick up my youngest daughter from a club tonight, and found her sitting there with scratches on her face from another entirely NT and intelligent little girl of six who is known for her short temper. I am pretty sure my daughter was being annoying in some way, and my first reaction was to suggest that they could make up and be friends, not decide that they should never ever interact again. It's ridiculous. Little children bite, scratch, hit and fall out. One little girl was mean to my daughter at school last year and even cut her school pinafore with scissors. This year, my daughter is going to her birthday party very happily. I really don't like the idea that this little girl's outburst must never be forgotten and attempts at rapprochment should all be rebuffed. I'd say, 'come on darling, it's only going to play. I'll be there. You could have lots of fun. Let's take a cake.' I suspect the mother is keen to have the playdate at her house is precisely because her daughter is calmer and happier in the familiar surroundings of home, rather than in the high-stress environment of school. I a sure that not driving makes the logistics of cutting it short more tricky, and so playing at the OPs house could be an alternative, though again, the child might be stressed at being in a new place (depending on her SNs). Above all this is a child is not an adult would-be murderer, she's a very small girl, and I think she deserves another chance.