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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sick of this woman asking my child on playdates

152 replies

Anenome · 15/09/2010 12:54

Ok...sorry if this is abit long winded. My daughter is 6, in her class (which is tiny...only has 4 girls) thee is one little girl wit comple special needs, she plays with all the other girls at school including my child...but sometimes due to her needs she gets very aggressive and disruptive. At those tmes, the other kids have been told to get a teacher who will take her in to calm down alone.

Last term she poked my child in the face with a fork during lunch marking her...after that they got her an assistant to sit with her... and since then my little girl has been wary of her.

The problem is that naturally the girls Mum wants her to intergrate well and so she costantly asks my child for a playdate at their home...my child just does not want to go though. The Mum has a big home and health problem herself so is is not very mobile and my child does not want to be alone with the little girl.

In the past I have made up lame ecuses but last week she caught me off guard and asked if we could ALL go to play there for a couple of hours, she offered me a lift as I do not drive! I stupidly said yes...now my child is very annoyed and upset even though I have told her I will be present.

Should I make her put up with it and just go? I feel that to keep refusing is tantamount to exclusion...but on the other hand, why should my 6 year old be made to play with a child she is nervous of? I also feel peeved that this woman has cornered me a bit.

What can I say to get out of it though?

OP posts:

DandyLioness · 15/09/2010 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ColdComfortFarm · 15/09/2010 20:25

aargh, I mean, free rein. Not free reign. Though I do think that children who are allowed to do anything they like no matter how horrid and selfish are treated like little emperors. I find the idea that the main trouble with modern society is that people are far too unselfish, extremely unconvincing.

maryz · 15/09/2010 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brassband · 15/09/2010 20:29

I think it would be very wrong to exclude the girl at school, but out of school is a different matter.
'pity 'play dates never work-they just make a bad situation worse.

PosieParker · 15/09/2010 20:32

I thought canny meant nice?

ColdComfortFarm · 15/09/2010 20:35

No, it means clever, artful, cunning with overtones of being underhand and self-interested.

maryz · 15/09/2010 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

annec555 · 15/09/2010 20:46

I can see why the OP is in a dilemma, but I am in agreement with those who think that the moral thing to do is to try to make this playdate work, even if it is a one-off.
When I was at primary school there was a little girl in our area who, looking back on the situation now with adult understanding, clearly had special needs - as a child I didn't understand this.
She didn't go to my school but it was a very small town so most mums knew each other. There was effectively a rota whereby each of us would be taken in turn to play with her by our mums who had obviously decided that she must not be excluded. I had forgotten all about it until I read this thread so clearly I was not emotionally scarred for life!
A similar situation arose at the school my mum taught at. This school was recognised as the most socially deprived in the area - the poverty levels were such that many of the children had clothes provided by social services to wear and keep at school so that their parents wouldn't sell them to pay for electricity and food. There was a deaf unit at the school and at one point there was only a single deaf boy in the school. He had massive difficulties as he was unable to learn to lipread and his signing was poor - again, with the benefit of hindsight I suspect learning difficulties on top of his physical disability. He used to refuse to go out to play and if he was made to he just stood in the corner as he couldn't interract with anyone. After he had been at the school for a couple of months, the teachers noticed that at playtime and at the end of the day, a couple of other children would turn up at the door of the deaf unit to "call for" the boy. He would be dragged off to play, and even taken home for tea. It transpired that the other mums had found out he was isolated and had basically told their kids to sort it out on pain of a clip round the ear.
These were mums with very low education levels, living in an area where diversity and tolerance would not have been high on the education program, many of them were illiterate. However, they had the empathy to realise that a child was being excluded and the common sense and compassion to tackle the situation head-on.
I am not suggesting that the OP is lacking in compassion - it is clear from her post that she has given this a good deal of thought and soul-searching. However, the comment has been made about setting a precedent for other mums and I think this would be a great thing if it happened. If it was accepted that everyone would make a bit of an effort and "do their bit" towards helping this child integrate, then no-one would be put in this situation in the future. This is an independent school so, at the risk of being shouted at, I am going to assume that the majority of mums are educated and open-minded. Could you not have a chat with the other mums and see if you can rally round and help this mum a bit?
Maybe the situations I have described were handled in a bit of a heavy-handed, perhaps even naive, way, but I would bet any money that the parents of the children in question were grateful and thankful.

DandyLioness · 15/09/2010 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Curlybrunette · 15/09/2010 20:54

Maybe inviting her to your house isn't a good idea, if the girl has some behavioural issues they may rear more easily if she is in an unfamiliar place.

The neutral place is a good idea,

Original poster

Anenome · 15/09/2010 21:03

Annec55 you just made me cry. God....the thought of that little boy on his own.

Thanks very much for bringing things down to what actualy matters here...a little girl with more than her fair share of troubles... and you did it in such an articulate fashion

If I do get to set a precedent then it's going to be the right one.

OP posts:

grapeandlemon · 15/09/2010 21:08

What a lovely post Annec55

edam · 15/09/2010 22:16

wow, Anne, sounds like you grew up in a fantastic community.

spikeycow · 15/09/2010 22:22

If it was me I'd say to my child "We are going to try one more time and see what happens". Especially if the other child was left out by everyone else. At least me and my child would have tried, if he was hurt again then we'd know they don't gel. But most of the time with these things they aren't as bad as we've made them out to be. They might both have a good time. I don't see it as pity really. I just imagine how I'd feel if my child was unpopular

spikeycow · 15/09/2010 22:25

Maryz what a disgusting attitude your "friend" had towards an innocent child. There are some vile people around.

Tiredmumno1 · 15/09/2010 22:38

Watcha spikey

Sorry for hi-jack -

spikeycow · 15/09/2010 22:46

Awite luv!!! Off to bed now but will come to bench and bring cake in the morning. And summer fruits cider.

PosieParker · 16/09/2010 08:07

Annec.....a really lovely post. I think those sorts of experiences make us nicer people. Research shows that people who are kind to others live a happier life.

annec555 · 16/09/2010 08:11

It was a nice community - but I don't think it was anything out of the ordinary for that time. I think things were just viewed in a bit more of a straightforward manner back then. We know so much now about development and about special needs and we are under so much pressure to be PC and get things right that I think that some of the basics get lost.
There's another thread where someone actually had to ask whether she was wrong for helping someone else's child because of the reaction of the mother - no-one would have had to think twice about something like that 30 years ago. A lot of it is the old chestnut that we don't know our neighbours any more. I suppose the mum of the little girl in question is having to push to try to build some sort of community for her daughter.
Anyway, glad to have helped a little bit. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out - by the sounds of it you might be helping the mum more than the daughter by even trying.

DandyLioness · 16/09/2010 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onetoomanycornettos · 16/09/2010 12:53

My family used to work with special needs children, including in schools and communities. We often went along to Mencap discos and the like, as well as having children with SN at home as part of an extended community.

However, I saw this as fun. I didn't not want to go or fuss, spending time with people should be enjoyable, SN or not.

I think in some ways the SN is a red herring. Aggressive children (of which there are lots, a few in every class in the land) are always a bit scary to others. My daughter was punched in the face in front of the teacher by a boy who we were told had behavioural issues that day (really?!) Although very upset, we let it go, but my daughter doesn't seek out social opportunities with him, nor would I go if the mum asked, issues or no issues.

If the fork incident was a one-off, and you think your daughter is making mileage out of it by continuing to be upset, then I'd go for one time (with all the great suggestions people have made about where/when). But if actually, the little girl is aggressive frequently, or your child simply just doesn't like her too much but is friendly at school, that's enough, IMO.

ChippingIn · 16/09/2010 22:48

Anenome - did you speak to her today? How did it go?

Original poster

Anenome · 16/09/2010 22:50

The Mother has a good support network...including friends and family. I have asked them to come here and the Mum was more happy with that because her child has had kids over to her home but never been asked anywhere else!

Either way it's all a big learning curve!

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 16/09/2010 23:46

Yes it is isn't it!

How is your DD with the little girl coming to your house?

When are they coming?

Tortington · 16/09/2010 23:49

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