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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of this woman asking my child on playdates

152 replies

Anenome · 15/09/2010 12:54

Ok...sorry if this is abit long winded. My daughter is 6, in her class (which is tiny...only has 4 girls) thee is one little girl wit comple special needs, she plays with all the other girls at school including my child...but sometimes due to her needs she gets very aggressive and disruptive. At those tmes, the other kids have been told to get a teacher who will take her in to calm down alone.

Last term she poked my child in the face with a fork during lunch marking her...after that they got her an assistant to sit with her... and since then my little girl has been wary of her.

The problem is that naturally the girls Mum wants her to intergrate well and so she costantly asks my child for a playdate at their home...my child just does not want to go though. The Mum has a big home and health problem herself so is is not very mobile and my child does not want to be alone with the little girl.

In the past I have made up lame ecuses but last week she caught me off guard and asked if we could ALL go to play there for a couple of hours, she offered me a lift as I do not drive! I stupidly said yes...now my child is very annoyed and upset even though I have told her I will be present.

Should I make her put up with it and just go? I feel that to keep refusing is tantamount to exclusion...but on the other hand, why should my 6 year old be made to play with a child she is nervous of? I also feel peeved that this woman has cornered me a bit.

What can I say to get out of it though?

OP posts:
JodiesMummy · 15/09/2010 15:01

What have MY children got to do with it Mary?

pagwatch · 15/09/2010 15:02

Grin no . I was suggesting that if her child is being hit and kicked she should go to the school and not let them ignore it.

Can I still be in charge of biscuits?

JodiesMummy · 15/09/2010 15:03

Yes, I like jammy dodgers.

JodiesMummy · 15/09/2010 15:04

I definitely would go to the school if DD was stabbed with a fork.

I think the OP is a very nice and tolerant lady even considering this unsupervised visit, especially as the SN Childs parent has mobility issues and would possibly not be able to intervene straight away if there was a problem.

I think a visit at OP's house where her DD will feel more confident is the best way forward.

maryz · 15/09/2010 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 15/09/2010 15:08

I'm not sure it's a great idea to try to persuade kids to be friends with people they don't want to be friends with out of a sense of duty.

If the friendship gives no pleasure then what is the point.

Children always find their own level don't they - I think all the well meaning persuasion from adults is irrelevant. They'll play with who they want to play with.

Condensedmilkaddict · 15/09/2010 15:09

Beautifully said Maryz

BuntyPenfold · 15/09/2010 15:09

mary, to be fair, the OP did agree to the playdate; it isn't that she won't let her child play with the other girl.

The OP's child is begging not to go.

Faaamily · 15/09/2010 15:10

I'd go. See how it pans out. It teaches your child good manners, and to be inclusive and kind.

If it is a PITA and they don't play well together, you don't have to do it again.

thatsnotmymonkey · 15/09/2010 15:10

Pag I think you are so wise, and dead on here.
jodiesm I think other posters were here saying the childs aggressive behaviour needs to be addressed and if it is impacting ones child directly, then one should go and talk with the HT.

I feel that a 6y-old can grasp the concept of reaching out to someone and being nice for the sake of the other person. It is a short supervised visit. A little altruism here and there is a good thing.

MollieO · 15/09/2010 15:11

I don't think anyone is suggesting that the OP should complain to the school about the other child's lack of socialisation. The suggestion was made in regard to the aggressive behaviour in class. If this is not being managed well then it makes everyone's life a misery - child, teacher, other children, parents etc. Will also mean that the child will never be able to develop friendships and it may affect other children in the class from learning.

If would complain to the school if ds was hit and kicked on a regular basis. I didn't realise that the fork incident wasn't a one off so I can understand your dd's reluctance. I think the offfer of a playdate at your house is excellent. Dd will feel comfortable because she is at home and you can also easily limit the time that the other girl is there. If it doesn't work out at least you have tried.

Dealing with the school is a separte issue and the fact that it is an independent should make no difference at all. Ds has SEN rather than SN and the only impact that has is financial - we pay for his extra support.

JodiesMummy · 15/09/2010 15:12

I agree that, SN aside, the OP's child DOES NOT WANT TO GO and has obviously tried to get along on previous play dates. How long should the OP's child be forced to go and play with a child she does not get on with? Genuine question.

MollieO · 15/09/2010 15:12

God, sorry for the grammar and spelling. I am off sick Smile

maryz · 15/09/2010 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JodiesMummy · 15/09/2010 15:15

I agree Mary, both parents should be there.

springlamb · 15/09/2010 15:20

My older DS has SN (although not of this sort) so I can appreciate the mum's need to try to integrate her daughter.
However, I also have a little girl of 8 and would hate to put her into the position of the OP's dd.
I think OP should be really honest with the mother and simply say that her dd is very uncomfortable visiting them at home because of the previous incident..could they not meet up 'by chance' at the local swimming pool and have a swim together. If doing a physical activity there will be less chance of any physical aggression. If the Mum's mobility problems preclude this then maybe another relative/friend might come along to assist (the girl's, not OP's).

BuntyPenfold · 15/09/2010 15:26

To be honest, I think I would go as the date was agreed.I know the OP was pressured into it though.

I would explain to the mother why my child is anxious.
I would make sure I was in the room with the girls all the time.
I would leave if there is aggressive behaviour, saying "It is a pity, but they don't seem to play well together, do they?"

This doesn't put the blame the other child, and you can say it again if asked again.

Also it means the date can be cut short. If you invite them over, and it goes badly, can you ask them to leave? I couldn't.

Original poster
Anenome · 15/09/2010 15:31

Very good point Colditz! I have always believed in giving my kids choices...and having a say in how things go (within reason)

I do want her to believe that her oundries are to be respected...I will ask her if she would like the play date at our home...if she does then fne...if not..well I have to agree with those who suggest it is not fair to make my child unhappy in order to be kind.

OP posts:
JodiesMummy · 15/09/2010 15:33

Good for you Anenome. Good luck and I hope they manage to have a nice time and your DD's mind is at rest.

Condensedmilkaddict · 15/09/2010 15:42

You think Colditz made a good point? I think it's a bit of a stretch myself...

Do you also ask your daughter if she would like to eat brussel sprouts?
Go to bed on time?
Brush her teeth?

Do you respect her boundaries then too?

I will bow out now because this is something I feel very strongly about, and I can't stand intolerance towards SN kids.

YABU.

PosieParker · 15/09/2010 16:19

It's really hard isn't it. But part of this little girl's SN made her hurt the OP's dd, if her SN meant that just shouted 'baa' every 15 minutes we would say tolerate it. I think six is old enough to understand that actions are not always about meaning, and six is old enough for a life lesson that means you put yourself out. I could be hit by mental illness tomorrow, we all could.....

Selfishly this will really do your dd some good, even if it goes wrong.... although if you keep in the same room it probably won't.

Onetoomanycornettos · 15/09/2010 16:23

Wow, that's exactly why I wouldn't make my child go unless they felt some interest in pursing the friendship. Making a friend isn't like, or shouldn't be like eating a brussel sprout, for goodness sake, it's what you do when you've done all your 'obligations' in the form of school, work, homework, brushed teeth, visited relatives and so on. Isn't having friends supposed to be fun?

I think the OP should certainly explore if this situation has any potential for friendship. Perhaps going once is a good idea, indeed, it's an obligation at this point (once you've said yes). But the OP's little girl already spends 7 hours a day with the other little girl at school, and by all accounts plays with her and runs for help if she's having a difficult time. She doesn't sound intolerant, but I really think friendship is about having fun and having people who 'get you', not being made by your mum to visit people you don't like (whether SN or not).

PosieParker · 15/09/2010 16:27

It's not about an amzing friendship, in fact if anything it's for the little girls mother if the friend doesn't notice.

MorrisZapp · 15/09/2010 16:28

Totally agree with cornettos. I don't see any intolerance to SN kids anywhere on this thread at all.

A six year old kid should surely have the right to say who she does and doesn't want to play with.

activate · 15/09/2010 16:30

Say I'm terribly sorry but we have decided that we are not going to do playdates this term.

Or xxx is not allowed to go out this week due to behaviour issues, and we've decided that based on her overtiredness we're not doing playdates this term

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