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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to buy a donor egg if mine are knackered?

183 replies

SassySusan · 11/09/2010 21:35

Never thought I would, but find ourselves unexpectedly considering fertility treatment. Am a little over the hill. Apparently you can buy an anonymous donor egg in Spain without a wait - IVF has a higher success rate with the donor egg, and lots of the risks are reduced to that of a young mum (ie. the age of the donor)

DH and I are solvent, healthy, and nobody questions our ability to parent.

So have been surprised by the volume of negative reactions from family and friends to the idea. It's unnatural (what isn't!); the baby won't know its real mother (so what, lots won't know their bio Dad!); people shouldn't buy babies... etc.

I see it purely as a pratical issue - if we went down this route, it would be can we afford it, take the disappointment of failure etc. Can't see that there are any real moral/ethical issues for the baby... AIBU?

OP posts:
LeninGrad · 12/09/2010 20:24

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LeninGrad · 12/09/2010 20:28

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LeninGrad · 12/09/2010 20:33

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LadyBiscuit · 12/09/2010 20:40

To me (as the parent of a donor sperm child), it's critical that he is absolutely clear about his origins from the moment he is interested. Because they are his origins - the horrible shock I think some people feel is that people know stuff about that that they don't know themselves.

Interestingly, most donor-conceived children have little interest in contacting their bio parents - it's their siblings that they are interested in. And I really like the idea that my DS may have siblings out there that he can get in touch with when he grows up, particularly as he is an only child. As I said, I do struggle with anonymity because that does make it harder on the child. Having said that, all children can trace their origins by a number and it's possible for them to contact their siblings/donors if they want to be contacted.

hidingidentity · 12/09/2010 20:46

My God, we are not open people! I am quite reserved, DH is positively clamped shut. Grin I was so determined to not reveal our infertility problems that a lot of people thought that our children were accidents!

We had counselling, recommended by our clinic. To be honest, I think that they did it in their own interests. After all, it's not great publicity for a clinic to have a load of parents who are very unhappy with the way they conceived their children. But it was the best thing for us to do, as the counsellor (specially trained in infertility) made us really think about what we were doing. Would that be an option for you? Even if you then decide not to disclose, then you have made that decision carefully, and know that it's right for you.

By the way, regarding anyone on this thread that said that they could never use a donor - that's exactly what we said - the year before we found out that we were infertile. :)

LeninGrad · 12/09/2010 20:51

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Original poster
SassySusan · 12/09/2010 20:59

I read both articles... the samples are really small. I would worry a little about the represenatitiveness of the first study, as they had recruited via a donor siblings network... presumably that produces a bias towards DCs who are intersted in their bio-origin?

The second article is also a very, very small sample - looks like most parents using a donor egg don't disclose...

Just wondering if any of the posters who have used donors think it makes a difference to how you feel about the DCs? Do you feel they are less your chidlren?

OP posts:
hidingidentity · 12/09/2010 21:13

The samples are small in those studies, but there are lots of other studies out there, and all the ones that I've found have come to the same conclusion. I need to go to bed soon, but I can hunt them out for you tomorrow if you like. Would that be useful? Having been through the decision process, I'd like to help, if I can.

Regarding the feelings of the non-genetic parent. This was DH's biggest worry. What if he didn't bond with the baby? What if the baby didn't bond with him? We actually use this now as a standing family joke. Our first child was so Daddy-orientated that I actually felt pushed out a lot of the time. Grin They adore him and he feels just the same about them. I can't imagine any parent loving our children more. We've both said that we now completely understand adoption. Once you are raising that child, you are completely the parent of that child. I hope you find that reassuring. :)

mamateur · 12/09/2010 21:19

DP could not love DS more. My SIL remembers him coming out the theatre (I ended up with a c-section) and one look at his face told her there weren't going to be any bonding issues.

LadyBiscuit · 12/09/2010 21:22

I'm not sure if this is relevant sassy because I am a single parent by choice but I never even think about his donor. Or very rarely. He's just my kid and the fact that he's genetically an unknown person is neither here nor there. I can't say that I love him any less than I would if he were the child of a man I loved but I really don't think it makes any difference. I absolutely adore him and would lay down my life for him - like any parent.

Original poster
SassySusan · 12/09/2010 21:31

Thanks you all. It is really very kind for people to share their experiences so openly and honestly. Most amazingly, I also received an offer from a potential donor today - which is actually just mind-blowingly loving and generous.

DH and I have obviously been going through one hell of a time lately, and it's sometimes easy to forget how wonderful and humane people can be.

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LeninGrad · 12/09/2010 21:36

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tholeon · 12/09/2010 22:11

I am so glad you have received an offer of a donor Sassy, that is just brilliant, clearly Mumsnet at its best (& on AIBU too...)

Very best of luck whatever you decide to do and however you decide to do it.

Original poster
SassySusan · 12/09/2010 22:15

Yes - I think that has to be a classic AIBU moment... Grin

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thefirstmrsDeVere · 12/09/2010 22:36

Hi Sassy. Wonderful news about the offer Grin

Dont write yourself of yet though. I am ancient and just had DC5 as you know.

I am always amazed at how people jump to the 'why dont you adopt?' on these threads.

Adopting a child is NOT like carrying and giving birth to your child. It is also next to impossible to adopt a child under 2. The children have all been traumatized and many have regular contact with birth families.

Not quite the same as having a baby yourself.

I also think suggesting a recently bereaved parent offers herself up to the invasive, intense and complex world of adoption is madness.

Believe me, its not a good idea.

Fingers and everything crossed Sassy x

PixieOnaLeaf · 12/09/2010 22:39

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treedelivery · 12/09/2010 22:43

Oh wow Sassy. Wow. Somethign for you to really think about then.

You may concieve this very night though, who knows Smile

Both I and the coupld had to have counselling as part of the treatment. It was very useful. We were lucky, in so much as despite being in seperate sessions, we said nearly exactly the same things Grin demonstrating how well met were are. Although the lady did make me think of things from my own dc's pov, which I hadn't actually done until then.

Lots for you to think on and ponder. Good luck.

Original poster
SassySusan · 12/09/2010 22:58

Don't you mean everything uncrossed thefirstmrsdevere Grin

Lets pray for uncomplicated, boring lives too xx

OP posts:
thefirstmrsDeVere · 12/09/2010 23:01

Maybe for you mate but I am keeping it all crossed, no more DCs for me Grin

Yes, boring is good. Uncomplicated seems like an impossible dream right now.

x (we'd better be careful with them, we could get barred from MNs)

Conundrumish · 12/09/2010 23:19

Wow Sassy. Reading this thread makes me realise I wish I had donated eggs when was young enough for them to be of interest to someone ...

CornishMade · 12/09/2010 23:38

Sassy: "The lack of donors in country where anonymity is denied seem to suggest that donors don't want to be contacted either." The people who don't want to be contacted have stopped donating. Those who do, are fine with it; you of course sign agreements and many write a letter or note for the child to read when older.
As I said the Care Northampton clinic has such a short wait time compared with others, and you said you may be able to conceive naturally, so why not join a shorter UK waiting list as a backup and ttc naturally while you wait?!
Best of luck with everything Sassy. x
The birth certificate btw does not mention donors.

mumoverseas · 13/09/2010 04:59

Fingers crossed for you Sassy x

treedelivery · 13/09/2010 12:09

I second advice to get on as many lists as possible as soon as possible, once your decision is made Smile

pinkpaettone - actually if you are a known donor the age thing isn't as restrictive. If a woman brings in a known donor and accepts the donor for what she is, the governng body may accept the donor on the understanding the egs are limited to this woman. Which is the idea of known donation anyway.
Might not work for someone who os 55, but say if 35 and the clinic cut off is 34, then I think t could be ok.

Conundrumish · 13/09/2010 12:36

Thanks tree. Sadly I was 35 a decade ago now, so eggs well scrambled.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2010 12:38

In the meantime, keep trying!

My dad's mother lost her first husband and two-year-old daughter to Spanish Flu when she was only 18.

She didn't remarry until she was in her 30s and went on to have 5 more children, the last when she was 47!

So you may not be 'knackered' at all.