to buy a donor egg if mine are knackered?

[SassySusan]

Never thought I would, but find ourselves unexpectedly considering fertility treatment. Am a little over the hill. Apparently you can buy an anonymous donor egg in Spain without a wait - IVF has a higher success rate with the donor egg, and lots of the risks are reduced to that of a young mum (ie. the age of the donor)

DH and I are solvent, healthy, and nobody questions our ability to parent.

So have been surprised by the volume of negative reactions from family and friends to the idea. It's unnatural (what isn't!); the baby won't know its real mother (so what, lots won't know their bio Dad!); people shouldn't buy babies... etc.

I see it purely as a pratical issue - if we went down this route, it would be can we afford it, take the disappointment of failure etc. Can't see that there are any real moral/ethical issues for the baby... AIBU?

I wish the best to everyone on this thread, in terms of their own health, economic stability and in their fulfillment of their desire to have children.

I think that for a great many of the people (but obviously not all), both the donors and the women who have infertility problems, they have ended up in that position because of the structure of society and the constraints it has placed on women to pursue economic security and motherhood at the same time.

There is an awful lot of sadness around these issues, and I think we all need to be looking at ways to change things for mothers.

i want to be an egg donor but due to the fact i have a son with autism i cant be an anonymous donor so can only do it if i know someone who wants my eggs and knows about my son having autism and accepts that as a possibility etc. personally i think the egg donation thing is hard for reasons like this so no wonder there are not many donors xx

YANBU but you are BU to even think that you are 'buying a baby'. You absolutely are not. They will know their mum - that will be you.

I do think that the best arrangement is probably an altruistic donation from a known donor, but it is not always possible.

If it were me, and I was considering this, I would look carefully into how the clinics are regulated. Many I think require that donors already have their own children. I do not think that paid donation is wrong, as long as donors are well informed about the process and it is well regulated and managed. I could not judge anyone seeking donor egg treatment (particularly one in OP's circs, but actually anyone facing infertility) but knowledge is key.

and in some ways, if you look at it in its simplest terms, from the point of view of the women involved, being poor with children to support is pretty shit. So is being infertile. Put the two together and problem solved...

Not lovely and cuddly in an 'isn't the world perfect' kind of way. But the world's not perfect. And for those two individuals, things would have improved.

Does anyone know if embryo donation is possible in the UK? It is possible that we will have some spares and if so there are dilemmas about what to do with them.

tholeon - embryo donation is legal and possible in the UK but subject to the requirement that the child must be able to meet its biological parents which could be distressing - more distressing I guess for a complete embryo than an egg/sperm donation.

We're in a similar position with 3 embryos left over after ivf. I'm 99% sure I don't want any more children but don't know what to do with the embryos. We have a slightly more difficult situation though as we are not able to donate them - DH is a haemophiliac and therefore apparently the embryos are not suitable for donation. ho hum.

SS - I would certainly do as much research as humanly possible to make sure its ethical but otherwise, I don't think YABU. Good luck with ttc.

Sassy, I have just read your previous posts (through tears) about your daughter . I'm so sorry.

Just do it, if you want to. Grasp any chance of happiness you have.

I wouldn't take your family's views into account too much, unless they have been in a similar situation to you. Good luck .

YA def NBU. I wish you the very best of luck.

I think that if it gives you more of a chance of conceiving then go for it. There is an organisation called the Donor Conception Network who can provide you with help/support/information that you might want to join. Good luck :)

YANBU you would not be buying a baby you would be buying something that would be flushed down the toilet, hardly exploiting anyone

Thanks for all the replies, which I've read with interest.

The ethics of egg donation is something that's really comes up from friends and family, and I wonder if it is a little bit of a red hering...

I have to own up, and say I know very little about the risks to the donor - but what seems at first glance to me to govern the supply of donor is the regulatory environment, not the poverty of the country. Women seem to elect to donate where they can preserve their anonymonity - you don't get terribly well paid for an egg in Spain at all - but you are anonymous.

We did discuss finding our own donor - and I could possibly find a willing friend. The consultant tried to steer us away from it. First we would have to negotiate with our friend to agree - then they would have to go through tests to see that they were a suitable donor (many conditions rule out donating eggs). They could fail and we would have wasted our money, or they could change their mind...

If you go to Spain, he suggested all this process is already completed for you - and you just get to choose an available screened egg, and can match chararcteristics like eye and hair colour.

I wonder if there are also advantages in the donor being anonymous. A donor pg is not like adoption. The donor never had any relationship with the child. The baby only exists because of the non-bio mum. If my mum suddenly revealed Daddy was a turkey baster - not sure I would want to trace the sperm donor myself...

susan for us the anonymity was important. We have a ds1 conceived naturally and then ds2 who is ed I had a premature menopause. We are open with family and the boys about ds2 conception. Originally I thought we would adopt but that wasn't to be. I never think of ds2 as anything but mine. I grew him bf him and he doesn't know any other mummy. The matching at the clinic I went to is excellent as well. There is a photos of the boys on my profile and lots of people remark on ds2 looking like me! I just smile
It is a decision only you and your dh can take but I don't regret it for one minute.

Andiem - thanks for that - you kindly off to chat way up... if you're still happy to do that...
here's an email address you can reach me on.

[email protected]

Will go and and have a peek at your profile now.

YANBU. Good luck :)

oh Andiem - they are gorgeous - and as you say, very similar...

I sort of think people get carried away with the who do you look like business... it reminds me of Jeremy Kyle - where the lovely dad comes on and says I want DNA - that baby is ginger! And they always are the natural father of course....

DD looked like a carbon copy of me - I used to call her mini-me - except she had her Dad's blue eyes, and mine are brown... but she didn't really look like DH at all.

Sassy, the Donor Conception network is a great place to start.

Our DS was conceived using donor sperm, for medical reasons. I am delighted that he may one day, if he wants, and after he's 18, meet this last piece of his genetic jigsaw. I can't wait to meet him either. The change to non-anonymous donors was prompted by the wishes of many donor-conceived children.

I don't really see anything to be gained by going down the anonymous route.

I think the fact that our donor was prepared to go through 6 months or more of toing and froing and and tests and soulless be-cubicled masturbation for only his bus fare so that we could have DS speak volumes of his general greatness as a person.

I know this is sperm not eggs, but I wanted add that about anonymity more than anything else.

Wishing you luck and happiness.

Thanks for that mamatuer - I will take a look at the site.

The big thing to be gained by the anonymous route I suppose is that you can actually have an egg. In the UK, where donors can't be anonymous, you seem to have to wait a number of years..

I feel a bit confused about a potential chid meeting/forming a relationship with the donor tbh. Assuming you are provided with a full medical history, I'm not sure what I (or my child) would get out of it. The donor might be unwilling to meet them - people change a lot in nearly 2 decades - or be dead - or be a horrible person...

I do see how it's nice to think the donor is a good altruristic person - but I suppose that could as easily be the case for an anonymous donor too.

Hello.

I have to be out the door, but I saw this title and I knew it was from you. I have lurked and would like to say I am sorry you are here having to consider these options. I'm very sorry.

I was a donor [known & altruristic] and can have big chats if that helps. Ask away!!

I think if you do your job as a parent your child will only be curious to meet the donor. It's in no way comparable to adoption in that respect.

But what if they know they can never meet them, never find them, never answer those questions?

It's the wishes of donor-conceived children that brought about the change and I draw my belief in the non-anonymous system from the fact that it's the best thing for DS. Before he was born I sometimes worried that DP wouldn't bond etc. but from the moment he was born he couldn't have loved him more.

Perhaps check out the London Women's Clinic - that's where I went. They have their own donor bank - I talked to them for hours when I was getting used to the idea of donor sperm.

personally i stress the personally i think that if you are willing to use donated eggs then i don't see a difference in using the eggs of another woman and adopting. there are already lots of children in the world already who need good parents. i believe that you have the right to choose fertility treatment if thats what you really want, but don't discount adoption too soon. its a horrible and lengthy process but so can IVF.

whatever you decide to do at the end of the day YOU will be the childs mother. you will be the one taking them to their first day at school, cleaning their vomit in the middle of the night when they get sick, and being the one person they can always depend on. i think that is what being a mother is about not the biological process that brought the child into existence.

That's where I went too mamateur - there certainly is no shortage of donor sperm there. :) They offer women free fertility treatment if they donate an egg so you might find there is not a terribly long waiting list. Worth calling them I'd think.

It was also important to me that my DS has the ability to at least know something about his bio dad if he wishes - the anonymity aspect made me really hesitate so I was pleased when the UK law changed. For some reason people are a lot more sentimental about the egg vs the sperm I find!

It's certainly worth reading the stories of children who have been conceived using donor eggs/sperm and exploring their thoughts about anonymity before you make a decision I'd think.

Hi Sassy,

I personally hope you conceive naturally. I have a number of friends who have had their first baby in their 40's and they have been very healthy babies, and from what I understand the risks lower when its not a first baby.

I agree with those who say you should grasp any chance of happiness, even if I am not 100% comfortable with the concept of egg donation. I think I would find it very hard to tell you that you ABU given what you've been through losing your daughter and anyway, in general, I think it's very hard to tell anyone who is having any fertility difficulties that they are unreasonable for considering anything.

If I were your friend or a member of your family, I suppose if had any concerns, it might be how it might emotionally impact upon you to carry a child that was not 100% biologically yours and your husband's. I am guessing that having experienced such tremendous loss with your daughter's death that pregnancy might be pretty emotionally fraught anyway, as that innocence that everything always works out in the end is gone? So perhaps it is more related to the specifics of your situation: a feeling that it is an unusual way to conceive that might add additional stress to you at a pretty vulnerable time?

I don't know, and I hope you don't find me saying that intrusive.. I just wonder if that motivates some comments?

Hey LB, quite agree about DCN.

I've put a pic of our donor-conceived DS on my profile

Sassy, I too have read some of your previous posts with tears in my eyes.
I hope you can conceive naturally. I had my last child when I was 41 (I am the daft cow that went to the gp saying the menopause had started) There is still some hope.

If for some reason it doesn't happen naturally for you then why not consider donation. What YOU and your DH think is important, not family members and friends.

I have been an egg donor twice in the past. The first time was around 12/13 years ago when I donated anonymously to a clinic at London Bridge. I never knew the outcome.

The second time was almost exactly 11 years ago through a clinic in London next to a prison (mental block on name)
I answered an advert in a village shop from a lady who had undergone treatment for cancer and couldn't conceive naturally as she had no eggs. One of my eggs grew into a little boy called Henry who turned 10 in June.

Throughout our treatment Henry's mum and I kept in touch by phone discussing our treatment. We never met and when he was born she sent me a few photos of him and another when he was around 6 months old. We then chose to have no further contact although we do have each others addresses and are not that far from each other (when I'm in the UK)
I often wonder if I would recognise him if I saw him.

I had no problems at all (apart from my fear of needles which rendered me hysterical every day when I had to inject myself). Small price to pay.

I don't think of the little boy or the other possible baby that may have been conceived as mine. I do not feel I have given a baby away.
Things were different then with regards to anonyminity (sp?) and sadly there are many less donors now due to the changes. When I dontated you were not allowed to be paid and I am shocked at some of the stories I ready about some donors (blonde and blue eyed) in the states demanding fees of thousands of dollars.

However, we can not and should not judge. If due to the very long waiting lists Sassy or anyone else choose to go abroad for a donor then good luck to them.

Sassy, you have to do what is right for you. would happily return to the UK tomorrow to donate my eggs to you if I wasn't too old but sadly I expect I am.

I wish you all the best and will keep my fingers crossed for you and your DH xx

He's gorgeous mamateur :) I have put one of my DS on mine - working a Johnny Rotten look :o