to buy a donor egg if mine are knackered?

[SassySusan]

Never thought I would, but find ourselves unexpectedly considering fertility treatment. Am a little over the hill. Apparently you can buy an anonymous donor egg in Spain without a wait - IVF has a higher success rate with the donor egg, and lots of the risks are reduced to that of a young mum (ie. the age of the donor)

DH and I are solvent, healthy, and nobody questions our ability to parent.

So have been surprised by the volume of negative reactions from family and friends to the idea. It's unnatural (what isn't!); the baby won't know its real mother (so what, lots won't know their bio Dad!); people shouldn't buy babies... etc.

I see it purely as a pratical issue - if we went down this route, it would be can we afford it, take the disappointment of failure etc. Can't see that there are any real moral/ethical issues for the baby... AIBU?

Haven't read the whole thread, but "the baby won't know its biological mother - so what?"

What a selfish attitude, if you bothered to take the time to investigate the effects of donor conception and adoption on THE CHILD who has NO choice in the matter I can't believe you'd be so flip about it.

I am sorry you are experiencing difficulty conceiving, but it is not fair to any resulting child to start a family at all costs. If you do decide to go down the donor eggs route I hope you will consider your child's feelings rather than putting yourself first which is what you appear to be doing at the moment, purely judged on your OP.

Why oh why do people not read the whole thread before commenting!
stupid stupid people!

I have calmed down a tiny bit now. I did not want to be offensive but as an adoptee and someone who has worked in AC I do find the lack of consideration for children in this kind of situation quite upsetting.

It can be hugely important to someone to understand their genetic heritage. However much you would love the child they will still have the knowledge that their genetic parent is out there. There are some people who this does not bother at all, but many people who it does bother very much. If you have a totally anonymous donor they will never be able to have the chance of answers to questions they may have.

Please try and read about the experiences of those conceived with donated gametes before you go ahead, and if you do go ahead please be prepared for your child to need some help coming to terms with the circumstances of their conception.

I have read the whole thread now and stand by what I said. I'm sorry that the OP has been through what sounds like a horrific experience, but that doesn't change the fact that it DOES matter that the child will not know anything about one of its biological parents. How much it matters and whether or not it will be a negative impact is unknown, but it is selfish not to consider the possible effects of this on a child, and her "so what?" comment does not read well.

YANBU - good luck with your exciting journey! :)

DDD, I'm sorry that you have obviously been affected by your adoption/birth but with regards to egg donation, do mothers of children born by way of donated eggs actually tell them?
I had (maybe wrongly) assumed that there would be no need to do so. Its completely different to adoption. I suppose if there was some major medical reason in the future it may become relevant but otherwise?

Just to clarify - I am in no way against the use of donor eggs, and have met some lovely families created this way, but I am against the use of totally anonymous donated gametes as I believe it is unfair to the child.

Hi Susan.

YANBU- I wish you every luck in your journey.

YANBU - Go for it. Spain is one of the leading world countries wrt IVF and it's clinics have very enviable success rates. Wishing you success.

mumoverseas - I am quite shocked that you don't think there would be a need to tell a child it was conceived from a donor egg! And it's not completely different to adoption - it's not the same, but the issues that face children of donor conception have some overlap with those of adoptees. I am not some random "ungrateful adoptee", I have read a lot of the literature and met many others affected by and interested in these issues.

The recipient is the child's "real" mother if you like, she cares for it and loves it, but she isn't genetically the mother, and that is quite a massive thing to not tell. I think that would be a pretty corrosive secret for a family to keep and it is possible that it would come out anyway, for example medical appointments when you are asked about family history.

OP is not being unreasonable to use donor eggs, but I think it is naive at best to think that it won't matter a jot if that egg is totally anonymous.

I had donor egg treatment in the UK two years ago (2nd attempt) and now have an adorable 15m old who I wouldn't be without, and the fact that he is not genetically 'mine' never enters our heads as I carried him from when he was just a bundle of invisible cells, fed and nurtured him in utero, breastfed him (but bottle wouldn't change anything either!), care for him, and he his my son.

We will start to tell him about his special way of getting here soon enough as I don't believe in keeping secrets - practically impossible these days even if you wanted to anyway, esp if your family know your circumstances, and big 'dark' family secrets always have a way of coming out in the end. I think not telling the truth (start early so they grow up with the idea) would be potentially destructive down the line when they find out, whether they're 15 or 50. I think most donor parents are choosing to tell these days, from what the clinic said, although of course I have no stats!

We chose UK clinics specifically because the donors are no longer anonymous. Yes this change in the law has led to fewer donors, but in my view it's essential. If you read about the experiences of children, whether donor conceived or adopted, there is more often than not the desire to find out something, at some stage of their lives. This does not mean they don't think you're they're mum; just a natural human instinct to understand our connections. We looked at Spain's options briefly but thought that if there was absolutely no way on earth for the child to know who the genetic donor was then it could lead to all sorts of mental anguish for them, and possibly anger towards us. Who knows, but yes, look at the Donor Conception Network for stories and also help on how to talk to kids about donor conception at different ages.

Regards the waiting list times - yes it's usually 2-3 years in the UK now for a donor egg. However you can join more than one clinic if you want, and you don't have to go to your closest one as a default. It's always worth phoning all the clinics within say a 2 hour drivetime of your house to see about their policies, prices and waiting list times. We did this and found that Care Northampton generally have much shorter waiting times than anywhere else - between 4 - 8 months. There are a few Care clinics around the country; check www.carefertility.com. To find all the other UK clinics, locations, contact details and results for DE treatment, visit the HFEA website www.hfea.gov.uk.

Good luck with everything - hopefully you won't need this option!

LadyB, what a total sweetheart your little boy is!

quite aside from the communists on this thread getting all het up - think about it guys.

i get paid by a company to spend time i would much rather spend with my kids doing a job that gives me backache and makes me stressed. this, apparently is not exploitation - i understand wht is being asked, my working conditions etc etc, no deceit is involved. That is not exploitation -
so why is carefully regulated egg donation exploitation? it comes with risks - sure, but a donor walkign in to it is made aware, is given proper medical treatment (so as safe as possible), is not conned into it nor under any force to do so...(no more than me turning up to my job) - why would that be exploitation?

in fact, i find the attitude towards Spanish women evidened in this thread rather patronising - they aren't kids nd know what they are doing.

it most definitely is not giving way a baby -but something that would have gone down the loo - it is not like adoption at all as the child has a permanent mother from day 1. Although more could be done to make adoption (particularly from overseas, where the kids are going to die if they aren't very lucky) more straightforwards.

i also think it is sexist that people don't raise these questions abput the use of donor sperm.

Egg donation is not without risks - but norm work isn't without risks.
egg donation is not without possible emotional consequences (particularly in egg shares where both women are having fertility treatment - if the donor fails to conceive nd the receiver succeeds...) - but then work has emotional consequences too (i'm sure there are plenty of people on here who have had jobs with long lasting consequences for their state of mind)

I find it odd, furthermore that people object to anonymous donation on the grounds that the child has no family medical history - no-one has a right to know their family medical history - medical records are private. even knowing who my parents are does not give me any right to access their medical history. I appreciate that screening for genetic disease is a sensible pecution though.

PS LOL at Whereyouleftit's "You risk financing organised crime" - as if such a complicated medical procedure taking weeks could be done in a back alley in exchange for cash!

Re. medical histories - as donor recipients you are given the donor's family history, so you do have that knowledge.

If there is anything serious they would not be allowed to donate in the first place. But the donor is obliged to state her family history and you will be told this.

I was phoned to say there was a possible donor for us; her father was colour blind; and we had the option to accept or decline (if you decline you do not go to the bottom of the list, you are allowed to say no at any time if you are not ready and keep your place).

You do rely of course on the donor's knowledge and honesty but most people open and generous enough to donate their eggs are not out to deceive.

DDDixon stunned if you understand Sassy's entire history but are still so judgemental.

Eggs and sperm are very throughly screened for various diseases and hereditary conditions and the donor has to reveal anything in their medical history that could have an impact, and can be prosecuted if they conceal something.

They also state their willingness to meet if the child wants to. Some also provide a 'sketch' of their character - to be read only by the child when of age.

There is no way we would conceal this knowledge from DS and I certainly don't believe we've been unfair to him in any way. We could just have had a child and risked the inherited disease from DP's side, which would have been very unfair...

Cornish, we weren't given any family history. Just told he wouldn't have been accepted as a donor if there had been any problems.

Would you even need to tell the child they were the result of a donor?

I mean I can see the point with an adoption but with Egg/sperm donation?

I did look in to becoming an egg donor myself but decided against it when it was decided that children conceived this way were to be given the right to track down the donor.

You don't necessarily rely on their honesty, they can be prosecuted if they've lied or concealed something.

FGS so much hostility over someone wanting a child to love and look after.
A donated egg would be flushed down the toilet, millions of women do it every day, so should we all morn every period we have as a child that could have been?

I think the OP should not worry what anyone says, go with the egg donation, I do not see why OP you feel you have to tell/ask anyone, get pregnant and don't tell anyone how.
There is no need for the child or anyone else to know.
You will give birt to the child, feed the child, get up in the night with the child, take care of it when it is sick, take it to school on the first day and so on and so on, he or she will be your child and it is no bodies business if it is your egg or not.

DDDixon -equally shocked by your lack of compassion. I think your judgy pants are a little too tight.

Whether the mother (ie the person who carries the baby, gives birth, loves it nurtures it etc) as opposed to someone who donated the egg, actually chooses to tell the child at some point about their conception is not really something I considered when I donated my eggs. As far as I'm concerned, I'm not the mother of those eggs/baby, the recipient is. As another poster has said, when eggs are donated numerous forms are completed including medical forms.

Adoption and donation are, in my very humble opinion, very different.
For a start, what is on the birth certificate in both cases?

This thread has gone off course and I'd just like to say that I hope Susan gets the love and support she needs from her family and friends and is successful in her desire for a baby.

I would love to donate my eggs. I am too old now unfortunately.

I wish you all the luck in the world Sassy x

Mamateur, maybe it depends on the clinic's policies then? Another question to ask when researching options...

I would donate eggs to you, OP :).
But sadly I am considered over the hill, too (pout).
As an aside, HEFA was consulting this summer about how to increase donor rates but it all went pear-shaped with imminent abolition of HEFA.
Good luck.