to buy a donor egg if mine are knackered?

[SassySusan]

Never thought I would, but find ourselves unexpectedly considering fertility treatment. Am a little over the hill. Apparently you can buy an anonymous donor egg in Spain without a wait - IVF has a higher success rate with the donor egg, and lots of the risks are reduced to that of a young mum (ie. the age of the donor)

DH and I are solvent, healthy, and nobody questions our ability to parent.

So have been surprised by the volume of negative reactions from family and friends to the idea. It's unnatural (what isn't!); the baby won't know its real mother (so what, lots won't know their bio Dad!); people shouldn't buy babies... etc.

I see it purely as a pratical issue - if we went down this route, it would be can we afford it, take the disappointment of failure etc. Can't see that there are any real moral/ethical issues for the baby... AIBU?

Hi Susan

Parenthood is so complex. What makes a parent? What you are contemplating is not unreasonable in my opinion. You will feed this child with your blood, your emotions, your life force. That is just the first nine months!

Your child may not look like you and genetically will not be of you but biologically will be of you.

In my opinion you would need to be explaining your child's parentage to your child right from the start. What you tell other people, in my opinion, is between you and your conscience.

This is exciting and in my opinion entirely positive.

I can't really judge if YABU or not - not sure what I would do in your situation.

However, for all of those of you who say OP is not being unreasonable - do you agree with selling/buying eggs? Would you support the commercialisation of egg/sperm donation in this country??

lal123 - i certainly would. there is a massive demand and the current guidelines are all but useless. the risks are very low to egg donors and obviously even less to sperm donors. i personally think the donor should have the right to be anonymous as well.

YANBU

Lal123 it is clinics offer egg sharing where you pay for someones ivf and they give you half of the eggs that are retrieved it is allowed as the person themselves needs the treatment.
Personally I think this is exploitation of women who are desperate for ivf but can't afford it

lal123- I support it. I was told i would need ivf due to pcos. in the end we conceived naturally and dd due in 2 weeks. had it not worked, would have gone ivf. had that not worked, would have looked at donor as was desperate to experience pregnancy for myself. now that I have, would consider adoption for 2nd child.

andiem - there are unused eggs in the majority of IVFs - egg sharing is one way to put these eggs to good use. the system is far from perfect though since women seeking IVF are inherently more likely to have underlying egg issues themselves (though of course the man is the factor in many cases). it isn't exploitation, it is an opportunity for everyone involved. if anyone feels exploited, they can choose not to participate.

my concern about allowing eggs and sperm to be "sold" here is that it would price the poor even more out of the market. at the moment you can egg share which allows many who cannot afford ivf to pay a reduced rate in return for donating their eggs. to me this seems fairer.

Hi Susan
I'm sorry to hear about the negative reactions you've had.
I have a wonderful dd through a donor egg. It was from egg share and I did have reservations prior to treatment about her not being "Genetically mine". However since having her I absolutely adore her and don't think about her being from donor egg. The only time it really comes up is when I don't know her medical history from the maternal side.

I also don't think that egg sharing is exploiting the donor because without the sharing they may not have had opportunity to have IVF at all. In my mind I thank the donor and hope that she had successful treatment too.

We also looked into donor eggs from USA.

Wish you all the best with your decisions.

Chandelina I know people who have done it because it was that or no treatment. It is a huge emotional pressure and there are very strict rules about how many eggs you have to give. I personally felt it was better to use a donor who had no such pressure on them and who didn't need fertility treatment themselves.

andiem, i can understand your point, which seems to support opening up the market so that willing buyers and sellers can meet.

I'm not sure you need to meet in Spain it is all anonymous which suited us as well.

"chandellina Sat 11-Sep-10 22:44:33
andiem, i can understand your point, which seems to support opening up the market so that willing buyers and sellers can meet."

but that opens up both the buyer and seller to exploitation. and (as i said) prices poorer people out of being able to afford IVF.

I think YABU.

Egg donation is not similar to sperm or blood donation. You have to go under general anaesthetic, take hormone treatments, and there are risks of complications, both immediate serious ones and long term ones including infertility. Egg donation in Spain is almost entirely from the poorest sections of society.

I understand how distressing it must be if you can't carry a child. My sister in law is infertile and it is heartbreaking. She is almost certainly infertile as a consequence of damage to her body done when she donated eggs when young and poor.

YANBU - i looked into being an egg donor and found that the evidence of damage to fertility is marginal (hard because so many people who act a egg donors already have fertility problems) although complications rise in a minority of cases (again, hard to tell how often when those undergoing the treatment largely already have problems). I do not believe you would be exploiting someone, as you say the system in Spain is regulated and they screen donors.

and GA is not a must. see treedeliverys thread on conception about wht egg donation involves.

if someone prefers to sell an egg than do other work that is up to them.

millyR - i'm sorry for your sister in law but it is extremely rare for anyone's fertility to be compromised by stimulating their ovaries and collecting eggs. Is that just a hunch or is there medical evidence that the donation affected her fertility?

theladyof - i would argue, or state as fact, that poor people are already priced out of the IVF market, and must rely on the NHS providing treatment. This is the case even for not so poor people, as it is hard to find treatment for less than £4k. if the market were opened up, i would expect the NHS to continue making it available to all eligible couples, so there should be no effect on that form of funding.

Yes, it is based on medical evidence. And I would dispute that side effects are rare - OHS is experienced by 6% of donors and in half of the cases it is very serious.

But I am going to leave this thread. I should never have come on it in the first place as it far too distressing. I found Edgar's comment to just be utterly chilling - the complete lack of compassion for women in really difficult economic circumstances. My SIL already had a child to support and a situation she had to get out of for her son's safety.

This thread is like talking to people whose attitudes are from some kind of dystopian nightmare. I know there are very good reasons why some people face misfortune and leave having children until they are in their thirties and their fertility is in decline. Perhaps some of you should have the empathy to see that some egg donors end up donating because they are facing misfortune, and we should be looking at ways to alleviate poverty around the world rather than have people go through medical procedures that are not necessary.

OHS is more likely if you have PCOS. many donors have PCOS - that is why they have the treatment.

figures quoted online vary between 5-10% but as the wiki entry states severe cases are in the minority.

i think it is wrong to treat people s victims when they choose to do something they may well believe to be a good thing- helping childles couples conceive - and get paid for it.

hi,i donated eggs through egg share and also same time recieved sperm which resulted in a twin pregnancy for me so giving and recieving in my case

didnt affect my my future fertility quite the opposite got pregnant naturally a few years later with new partner

dont really think of the eggs i gave away and certainly hasnt had a effect on me mentally,im to old to donate now but would do again though the law HAS changed in the UK since then about revealing the donor either egg or sperm which i dont agree with much prefer the old rules

good lock with your choice i wish you well

meant luck

Is it legal to buy eggs? If so, what's the difference between buying an a egg and buying a kidney? OR buying blood?
Obviously it's women from a certain socio-economic background are going to resort to selling bodily tissue, so it's highly unethical for a woman who has the means to support an industry that deals in this area.

YABU. Trading in human eggs is exploitation (and I hear it's not a simple process retrieving the eggs either).

I'm still that it's legal

I've got less of a problem with egg donation and receiving for free because there is no exploitation involved, and the egg donor will most likely be giving away her eggs out of altruism, like people giving blood. But buying eggs is like buying blood (in Russia blood is bought, usually homeless women and prostitutes sell their blood)

Lal123 i do. This is going to sound extremely selfish but why would you put yourself through the donor process without getting something in return. There are very few people who are that selfless. I don't see the difference between paying for eggs and the cheaper IVF rates in return for donor eggs either. In both cases you are getting something in return.
I think the rates of donation would be much higher in the UK if the resulting child didn't have the right to trace the bio parent though. It would certainly put me off! I don't want a child who i didn't want for myself (going off the explanation that donation is providing a child for someone else) trying to contact me in 18 years after an argument with their real parents. I doubt i'm the only one completely put off by this.

In my opinion SassySusan is not required to solve world poverty while trying to resolve her fertility issues.

Is being paid for something exploitation?

Having stared down the barrel of the infertility gun I support any couple who try to find solutions. All solutions are a compromise as is natural fertility - now is never the right time.

Milly, I have not read all the thread either, because I find this subject distressing too, but I just saw your post. Did someone seriously suggest that a man wanking into a tissue was comparable to going through unecessary medical treatment to receive a human being's bodily tissue.

Brr. Gives me chills.

musicmadness,"why would you put yourself through the donor process without getting something in return"

Sorry I don't understand your point?

So you think prostitutes should not get paid for their work?

Or do you think exploiting women of a certain socio-economic background is okay. You do realise society has been set up so that women are poorer than men and more easily exploited. THis is what needs to change.

The fact that you asked that question draws attention to the exploitation because you are suggesting noone in their right mind would go through it for free. Maybe so. BUt we live under capitalism where everything is up for sale, especially if it belongs to women, be it her vagina, rectum or eggs. NOthing is sacred.