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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Female violence towards men

169 replies

yorkshireblue · 10/09/2010 23:00

I have noticed a lot of posts which state violence towards males.
Is it ok for females to say these things towards males?
If this was dadsnet and these comments where aimed at women what would be the outcome?
Female violence is as bad as male violence

OP posts:

Snorbs · 11/09/2010 20:22

We were very lucky that the main social worker we had stayed involved all the way through and was good at her job. Even then, my ex got a lot more chances than she would've if she had been a drunk dad and I had to work harder to prove myself than if I had been a sober mum.

spikeycow · 11/09/2010 21:09

No contribution at all eh? A few abused women on the relationship boards where I've often given support might disagree with you. For your information Barmy those with personal experience of these issues have opinions based on feelings, real feelings. I don't go onto threads and give opinions where I know nothing of the topic. I am widely read in feminist literature on DV, I just prefer to post here in a natural language rather than putting on airs to sound clever. Is that OK NickofTime?

spikeycow · 11/09/2010 21:15

Oh FFS just seen some of your posting history. You're a wind up merchant BA. Have a

NickOfTime · 11/09/2010 21:21

made no comment on how you posted, spikey, rather was agreeing on your seeming inability to recognise that the same levels of compassion could be ofered to male victims, or even that there was such a thing as a male victim...
but hey ho.

i'm glad you feel able to offer support to women in a dv situation, and am jolly pleased at how widely read you are (?!) it just seemed that you were so deeply entrenched in the female victim scenario you were unable to consider any other aspect of dv. and getting quite antsy about any other opinion.

one of the virtues of education as i see it is the ability to read around a subject and appreciate other people's views in order to make a considered response.

so i'm genuinely sorry that you're unable to do that.

spikeycow · 11/09/2010 21:31

I have compassion for male survivors of DV, where a campaign of abuse has been directed against them. My main points were not all recorded cases of woman towards male violence are accurate, and that there are communities where male oppression is still rife. And yes I am antsy. That's what you get like after years of mental torture

maryz · 11/09/2010 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarmyArmy · 11/09/2010 21:50

spikeycow - thanks for your last post...its honesty ("years of mental torture") reveals the reason for your attitude on here...and allows us to move on.

NickOfTime · 11/09/2010 21:55

no, but that point echoed the over-riding view in society that if a woman is violent towards a man, then he must have pushed her to it, or been beating her on the quiet, or mentally abusing her (and it's prevalent on here too.)

that makes it even more difficult for a man who is a victim of a campaign of abuse to be heard. by anyone.

and it isn't always true.

every time someone says 'but i bet he hit her first' or attempts the 'but men are bigger and stronger' argument, they make it worse.

all victims of dv need support.

to argue statistics is pointless - they are not relevant when you are the one bleeding.

emmyloulou · 11/09/2010 22:00

Spikey, how one earth do you know WHO has suffered at the hands of an abusive relationship on here unless they tell you?

Personally it makes me think all kinds of DV are appalling and all deserve equal recegnition as they are all as bad, what ever way, in hetrosexual or homosexual relationships, no one should be put through the horrors of an abusive relationship, a lack of repsect, or DV.

Why do men have to have a campaign abuse against them? A woman would be justified in leaving after one incident, why not a man?

This is a case where feminist top trumps is not appropriate, and I could guess that you were well read in feminist literature.............really no need to mention it, it's given you an unhealthy view point IMO.

NickOfTime · 11/09/2010 22:03

oh no, emmy - i'm fairly well read in feminist literature myself

don't do the 'blame it on the feminists' thing - that's nonsense.

emmyloulou · 11/09/2010 22:05

No I agree NoT, there are just sometimes where I think overdosing yourself on it can do more harm than good, judging by some hardline posts you see on here tis all.

NickOfTime · 11/09/2010 22:06

i think (can't believe i'm typing this) that barmyarmy may have a point.

so apols if you have been further upset by this discussion, spikey. sometimes it is right to remove yourself from a conversation where it becomes too personal. hope you're ok.

NickOfTime · 11/09/2010 22:07

emmy - moderation in all things, apparently...

spikeycow · 11/09/2010 22:08

Oh I'm fine. Will schlep off to the feminism topic now instead

emmyloulou · 11/09/2010 22:08

Indeed.

StantonHarcourtTheThird · 11/09/2010 22:18

I have a friend at the moment, who is violent to her husband.
it is horrible situation, and I hate the hypocrisy in my own mind that tells me to support him rather than tell him to leave when I KNOW that in the reverse I would have told her to pick up the child and leave.

I believe that she can be reformed, but for some reason I wouldn't have thought that he could.

I can't get my own head straight.
he is staying because he believes he wouldn't have access to his son if he left. and he wouldn't want all her stress to be released onto his son.

As her friend, I have had her at the doctors, she has been honest with the doctor about her rage and that she lashes out, she has been given tablets to moderate her mood and counselling. She is honest with me about her behaviour and I have been honest with her about my disgust at her actions. Her DH is honest with DH and I about her actions.

The son spends alot of time with us. I just want him to know that he is safe here.

vesuvia · 11/09/2010 22:24

Maryz wrote - "Why is there femenist literature on DV. Surely DV is just that. Domestic violence. Not violence against women only."

Would you prefer there not to be feminist literature on domestic violence? Why do you imply that such feminist literature deals only with women?

Discussion of domestic violence against anyone has been put in the public arena because of feminism.

HerBeatitude · 11/09/2010 22:37

Maryz do you really not know why there is feminist literature about DV? Seriously?

Do you not know that until very recently, it was perfectly legal for a man to hit his wife? (And it's still perfectly legal for parents to hit their children.) Unlike female on male DV, there was never anything hidden or shameful about wife-beating and no-one ever had any difficulty believing it happened - it was perfectly normal, legal behaviour.

The reason it's not anymore, is because feminists engaged with the subject and changed people's minds about it, so the law changed and the police and courts started to treat it differently. If there hadn't been feminist literature about it, it would still be legal.

vesuvia · 11/09/2010 22:47

Women have benefited from feminism putting domestic violence on the agenda of those in power. I sincerely hope that improvements for male victims follow as soon as possible.

It's not feminists who are holding back better treatment of male victims of domestic violence. It's not feminists who disbelieve male domestic violence victims. It's the authorities, the same authorities that still give women such a hard time over the issue of rape. Feminists are part of the solution, not part of the problem.

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