To be very upset by friend demanding something back given to me 15 years ago??

[rockinhippy]

I'll try not to ramble, but already feeling ill & now very upset, so excuse me if I do....I would apreciate opinions as to whether or not I am being unreasonable in, a being upset, & b, refusing.

Some 16 odd years ago, probably much more, ........my friend ...(who is one of my DDs 2 GodMums) gave me a vintage astrakan coat, passed to her by her uncle, but not her style at all, but very much mine..........she said at the time something along the lines of "if you change your mind & don't wear it, or want it in future, don't get rid of it, but let me have it back, maybe I'll keep it or pass it on"

Now I love this coat, repaired the lining & keep it for winter going out for special occasions & have looked after it well, so its still in as new condition

the other day I recieved an e-mail, telling me her DD now 17 had been looking through old family photos, & has fell in love with this coat...& wondered if I still had it & was it used..& could she have it back....at first I was confused & thought she meant a 1 she had passed over to my DD....

e-mail yesterday clarified what she meant....so I replied saying, yes, I still love it & wear it with pride & even included a recent photo (we don't live close to each other anymore)

Just now recieved a reply along the lines of....

Sadly DD feels just as strongly about the coat & DD takes precedence over friend, will be popping down to your town next Monday I will collect it then

Sorry, have read a post where the OP says it's not fake and would never wear real animal skin.

I very rarely leap in without reading a whole thread - hope I'm not defaming the OP's rep.

I would give the coat back, look for a new one on ebay and ask for the silk dress back in exchange for your dd as the friendship is probaby doomed at this point anyway.

wiki's explanation of Indian giving

If Rockinhippy hadn't taken the coat, it was going to go to a junk shop - why on earth would you be lending someone something when the alternative is giving it to a junk shop??

Nowhere in the recent emails has Rockin's friend said that it was originally intended to be a loan - surely she would have made reference to that, if it were just a loan??

I'll try that again shall I?

droves, if you check out http://completed.shop.ebay.co.uk/i.html?MA2ShowIte ms&trksid=p3286.c0.m283&rdc=1&rt=nc&fln=1&nkw= %28Astrakhan%2Castrakan%29+coat+-faux&dmpt=Women sClothing&LHComplete=1&guest=1 eBay as a comparison, most don't sell and those that do were usually for £20 - £40.

Well if someone said to me they wanted something back I would treat it as a loan.

A gift to me is no strings.

I think they are both BU to be honest, but the OP should just give the coat back and get over herself.

You mentioned something about your friend not visiting you before this coat affair, because your DD was at a summer camp.

Are you sure she wasn't already annoyed with you about something else, and in a hissy fit asked for the coat back?

Personally, I just can't see why the coat is such a big deal. I'd have given the coat back, and got another one from ebay. I might have felt slightly differently about the friend, but wouldn't have fallen out over it.

But the friend didn't say she wanted it back, saintlydamemrsturnip - she said if Rockin changed her mind, would she give it back instead of getting rid of it - that is very different.

The fact that the friend's e-mail asked whether the OP still had the coat clearly suggests to me that it was 'properly' given to the OP and is hers to do as she likes with. Otherwise the friend would not have anticipated that the OP might have disposed of it.

If you've ever given the friend or her dd a nice present, Rockin', remind them that it was only on loan and ask for them to return it when they pick up the coat.

That's rather harsh, I think, SGB. She's feeling shit anyway, her friend has been incredibly rude, and now she's got no fucking coat.

It wouldn't be to me stayingDT. If something is to be returned to giver at the end of my use I treat it as a loan.

I lent someone my amby hammock. I didn't expressly say I want it back when she'd finished with it I said "just give it back when you've finished have it as long as you like". It was definitely a loan. I would have been a bit surprised had that been interpreted as a gift.

i cant beleive you have worn the same coat for 16yrs shock]

i dont buy a new one every winter but prob every few years or so

it seems a shame to fall out over something so petty, you have had it 16yrs so give it back and buy a new coat

Whoops misworded that - I mean I didn't say when she had to give it back. There were no terms on the length of the loan.

But it's not just the coat, is it, SolidGoldBrass? It's about the way it's been done, added to " & last visit here not letting me know she was in town, because I had told her DD was at a Summer School that week, so she wanted to see DD, but couldn't be bothered to see me on my own". Even if she kept the coat now, there'd be no pleasure in wearing it with its new associated memories. So in one fell swoop the OP feels she has lost a friend and a favourite item.

Actually I remember being given a book which someone asked for 3 years later (they'd been living abroad so I got it when they were clearing out). My first thought was 'shit where is it?' In that case I had thought it was a gift until the person asked for it back when I realised it was a loan.

Maybe she just wanted some time in town by herself? I don't visit friends every single time I go to their town.

By the way, what size are you Rockinhippy? I have got a beautiful black velvet evening coat with a fake fur collar which is über-glam and a size 8-10. I'd be happy to post it to you if you CAT me. I'll want it back if I lose weight again though

It is very weird and she sounds a bit unhinged IMO

but give her the coat back, you have to really

I would be thinking "ho hum, one born every minute"

and comb the charity shops for an even better coat

I can't see why it would lead to a falling out... and even more surprising lead to 8 pages of replies on AIBU!

Maybe the friend was annoyed about how op reacted to her not visiting, and so decided to ask for the coat back. It seems really sad to fall out over it.

bof that reminds me i still have your cossie (completely forgot)

i'll pass it back in 15 years time

Saintlydamemrsturnip - where does it say that the coat was to be returned to the friend when Rockin had finished using it?

• the coat was going to a junk shop if Rockin didn't want it.

• the friend asked 'if' Rockin still had it - doesn't imply that the friend thought she'd loaned the coat.

• the friend told Rockin it wasn't her style and she didn't want it.

I'm sorry - but to me, all that adds up to a gift, not a loan.

But as others have said, would Rockin enjoy the coat now, if she did refuse to return it, and whether she returns it or not, the friendship is pretty much stone-dead.

I think I'd leave it in a bag on the doorstep - with any luck it would rain.

In the OP

"she said at the time something along the lines of "if you change your mind & don't wear it, or want it in future, don't get rid of it, but let me have it back, maybe I'll keep it or pass it on"

I think getting hung up on the use of the word 'if' is plain daft. It wasn't a legal document but the intention was clear - it was to go back to her eventually i.e. it was a loan. At least that's how I would have interpreted it.

YANBU. Have read some of the posts so hope havent missed anything crucial but I would have thought that even though you would be within your rights to keep the coat if you did you couldnt enjoy wearing it anymore. So, I would assertively say that I had thought it was a gift and was upset to be having to give it back, but would give her it. I suspect it would also spoil my friendship with the person too.

friend should NOT pay for cleaning/repair - OP has been WEARING the coat for 15 years!