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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very upset by friend demanding something back given to me 15 years ago??

555 replies

rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 11:39

I'll try not to ramble, but already feeling ill & now very upset, so excuse me if I do....I would apreciate opinions as to whether or not I am being unreasonable in, a being upset, & b, refusing.

Some 16 odd years ago, probably much more, ........my friend ...(who is one of my DDs 2 GodMums) gave me a vintage astrakan coat, passed to her by her uncle, but not her style at all, but very much mine..........she said at the time something along the lines of "if you change your mind & don't wear it, or want it in future, don't get rid of it, but let me have it back, maybe I'll keep it or pass it on"

Now I love this coat, repaired the lining & keep it for winter going out for special occasions & have looked after it well, so its still in as new condition

the other day I recieved an e-mail, telling me her DD now 17 had been looking through old family photos, & has fell in love with this coat...& wondered if I still had it & was it used..& could she have it back....at first I was confused & thought she meant a 1 she had passed over to my DD....

e-mail yesterday clarified what she meant....so I replied saying, yes, I still love it & wear it with pride & even included a recent photo (we don't live close to each other anymore)

Just now recieved a reply along the lines of....

Sadly DD feels just as strongly about the coat & DD takes precedence over friend, will be popping down to your town next Monday I will collect it then Shock

Confused
OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 08/09/2010 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/09/2010 11:54

sorry, i have foggy brain, I still think she should probably return it as friend said that originally though.

scrappydappydoo · 08/09/2010 11:55

Well - I understand you like the coat and have looked after it BUT I think YABU as she did say when she gave it to you that she would like it back. I think the first e-mail was a polite testing the water and the 2nd e-mail although a little rude was probably stating what she wanted all along.

suzikettles · 08/09/2010 11:56

Her daughter will probably wear it once.

Maybe say something along the lines of "I've loved this coat, taken care of it for FIFTEEN YEARS, wear it on special occasions, so if your dd changes her mind about loving it and it ends up not being worn lying uncared for on her bedroom floor-- then I'd love to have it again"

It's very cheeky to ask for something back after 15 years when you've told her you still use it, and you're entitled to tell her to take a running jump, but you'd lose a friend over it. Not really worth a coat.

Prolesworth · 08/09/2010 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

saintlydamemrsturnip · 08/09/2010 11:56

I'm with scrappy - she asked you not to throw it out. It was lent. For however many years OK, but she never actually gave it to you.

Pennies · 08/09/2010 11:57

Charge her £160 for 16 years worth of annual dry cleaning.

BettySuarez · 08/09/2010 11:58

It's not her coat anymore. She gave it to you.

I wouldn't give it back.

How close a friend is she? To be honest, if a frend of mine behaved in this way, I would worry more about the friendship then the coat.

It's your coat.

Arrange to be out on Monday!

Jux · 08/09/2010 11:58

She gave it to you so it has been yours since then.

I think I agree with kreecher. It's yours. She should have told her dd that she gave it away and no longer has it, bad luck dd etc

senua · 08/09/2010 11:59

I think that the coat should be handed back, as per original agreement, but friend/godmother is given the message loud & clear that OP loves it and, if friend's DD gets bored of it, then OP would love to have it back.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 08/09/2010 11:59

She didn't say that she would want it back to pass on, she said that if the OP found she didn't like it or wear it, she shouldn't get rid, she should give it back to the friend and the friend would pass it on.

DandyDan · 08/09/2010 11:59

I'd email back and say it is your favourite coat - that you have looked after it all these years and treated it as your own coat since it was given to you as a gift, not a loan (I'd emphasise that bit!); that you have worn it loads and look forward to wearing it this autumn and that as it was a gift at the time, you would never have dreamed she would ask for it back after such a long time. And actually it's very much distressed you.

Or I'd be out next Monday.

suzikettles · 08/09/2010 12:00

Going by the op the friend didn't say she wanted it back, she just told her that if she was going to chuck it out/give it away then not to - totally different circs.

Conundrumish · 08/09/2010 12:00

I don't think your friend is BU; she clarified at the time that it was yours for you to wear but that she would like it back if/when you have finished with it. OK, you haven't finished with it, but you have had 15 years wear out of it. I think the fact that she mentioned she may like to pass it on to family would have suggested to me that it was something quite significant.

To be honest I think you were a bit rude not to have offered to return it straight away once she had mentioned her daughter would like it.

BettySuarez · 08/09/2010 12:00

But friend didn't say she would ever want it back. Only that would OP mind giving back if she had no need for it herself. But OP clearly has had need of it.

It was a GIVE imo
Not a LEND

WhamBam · 08/09/2010 12:01

Of course YANBU, she sounds like a silly mare saying her daughter's fancy for a coat takes preferance over a friend. Who does that?

I wouldn't keep it though, hand it back with a clear conscience and know that your mate is petty and short sighted. Shame on her. And hand her a bill for the upkeep...

ihearthuckabees · 08/09/2010 12:01

I think friend did give the coat to OP. There was a bit of hedging ("if you find you don't wear it/get bored, I'll have it back") but she did GIVE her it, rather than lend her it.

I would probably give it back, but would tell friend that I'm shocked and a little bit upset that she's asked for it when she knows I still wear it. I don't think I'd have the front to say no, you're not getting it, but I'd be very pissed off.

YANBU.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 08/09/2010 12:02

See this: "if you change your mind & don't wear it, or want it in future, don't get rid of it, but let me have it back, maybe I'll keep it or pass it on" to me doesn't say she gave it to you - it says she lent it to you. If she have given it to you then there would have been no restrictions on what you could do with it,

DandyDan · 08/09/2010 12:02

If the agreement was (and probably a vague sentence in passing, rather than an official verbal agreement) that you give it back to her first if you were fed up of it, or never wore it, then you should keep it. You aren't fed up of it, you do wear it, and you do love it.

wonka · 08/09/2010 12:02

How horrible for you.
Your friendship is never going to be the same again whatever you decide to do.
Truely selfish thoughtless person she is.

midori1999 · 08/09/2010 12:04

Just tell her you were wearing it one last time and an animal rights activisit threw red paint all over you... Hmm

senua · 08/09/2010 12:04

"a vintage astrakan coat, passed to her by her uncle"

It's a lend, not a give.
Perhaps friend has been patiently waiting for years for OP to give it back but, seeing that that is not going to happen, has had to resort to asking for it.

Pogleswood · 08/09/2010 12:06

Totally weird.I can't see why any reasonable person wouldn't be saying to their DD - "Oh,I gave that to Rockinhippy - I'll ask her if she is still using it",and then when the answer was "yes,regularly" telling DD she'd have to survive without it.

Friend seems to have said "If you don't want it at any point I'd like it back" which isn't quite the same as reserving the right to take it back whenever she fancies.Especially when it may only be in a wearable state because OP has looked after it...

perfumedlife · 08/09/2010 12:07

She said she would take it back if op didnt want it anymore, some time in the future, rather than op binning it. But op does want it, so this 'friend' is changing the parameters of the 'gift', as in, I want it back, even though you still love it.

Even if you give it back, will you still feel the same about this friendship? Because if you wont, why not keep it and be damned?

A friend asked me for an old chaise he thought i wasnt using to furnish his new home. I has it in my bedroom although i didnt really have space. I happily parted with it but said if he decided later to get rid to please give me first shout. Meaning, if you go off it, dont sell it, please may i have it. But the truth is, i love this guy, i have got used to life without the chaise, and no longer care what he does with it.

She is your typical indiangiver

Thistledew · 08/09/2010 12:08

I think she is really odd to expect you to give it back now.

I would explain that it you considered it to be a gift and that you have worn and treasured it for many years and would be upset to part with it. Perhaps you could say that it is now quite worn and you would think that her daughter may be put off by this and not be keen on it in the long term.

It really depends on how much you value the relationship. If you think it is worth maintaining even after her thoughtless behaviour which has shown no regard for your feelings, and if you can afford it, maybe offer to go halves with her on the purchase of a new coat for her dd

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