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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be very upset by friend demanding something back given to me 15 years ago??

555 replies

rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 11:39

I'll try not to ramble, but already feeling ill & now very upset, so excuse me if I do....I would apreciate opinions as to whether or not I am being unreasonable in, a being upset, & b, refusing.

Some 16 odd years ago, probably much more, ........my friend ...(who is one of my DDs 2 GodMums) gave me a vintage astrakan coat, passed to her by her uncle, but not her style at all, but very much mine..........she said at the time something along the lines of "if you change your mind & don't wear it, or want it in future, don't get rid of it, but let me have it back, maybe I'll keep it or pass it on"

Now I love this coat, repaired the lining & keep it for winter going out for special occasions & have looked after it well, so its still in as new condition

the other day I recieved an e-mail, telling me her DD now 17 had been looking through old family photos, & has fell in love with this coat...& wondered if I still had it & was it used..& could she have it back....at first I was confused & thought she meant a 1 she had passed over to my DD....

e-mail yesterday clarified what she meant....so I replied saying, yes, I still love it & wear it with pride & even included a recent photo (we don't live close to each other anymore)

Just now recieved a reply along the lines of....

Sadly DD feels just as strongly about the coat & DD takes precedence over friend, will be popping down to your town next Monday I will collect it then

OP posts:

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 08/09/2010 14:12

She said 'If you don't want it/change your mind etc, please give it back instead of binning it' - isn't there an unspoken corollary to that, which is 'but if you do still want it/don't change your mind, then keep it'?

ZacharyQuack · 08/09/2010 14:13

I think analysing the words supposedly used at the time of the gift/loan is a bit pointless.

The OP won't be able to exactly remember a conversation 16 years ago, so it's a bit daft to quibble over the wording.

toastandmarmiterocks · 08/09/2010 14:14

Sorry but although I'd be pissed off I would still give the coat back, and with good grace. OP's friend had said right from the start she might want it back.

For what its worth, I think 15 years ago the friend should have given the coat with no conditions attached, or not given it away in the first place. The friend has gone about it all wrong sending the emails, she should have asked her out for lunch or something and asked her in person then.

Not worth making a mountain out of a molehill though.

clemetteattlee · 08/09/2010 14:15

Give the coat back. It is only a thing.

Lulumaam · 08/09/2010 14:15

this sums it up for me

saintlydamemrsturnip Wed 08-Sep-10 13:22:10

I can imagine an alternative OP

'15 years ago my uncle gave me his coat. I didn't like it that much so I lent it to my friend. She knows it was a loan because I told her to pass it back to me when she had finished with it and not to get rid of it. I forgot all about it until my 17 year old daughter saw it in a photo and asked whether I still had it as she'd like to wear it. I contacted my friend and she does still have it so I asked for it back. Now she's getting stroppy with me'.

She saw it as a loan. You saw it as a gift. I'd give it back and go and buy a new coat.

totally agree with the above

I had my grandmother's persian lamb coat, i wore it during my goth phase. i wish i'd kept it though. the lining disintegrated , i should have had it relined. teh folly of youth.

not seen anyone wearing one for eons though

ledodgy · 08/09/2010 14:16

This is ridiculous and petty. Just give the damn thing back and buy a new coat. At worst your friend gave you the coat and has now decided she wants it back, at best she lent you the coat with conditions and now feels she can ask for it back for her daughter, her uncle's great niece to wear. Seriously if the price of this friendship is a coat I think it's time to re-evaluate your friendship.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 08/09/2010 14:16

Well to my mind a gift is 'here have this coat I don't want it back so when you've finished with it bin it or pass it on or sell it'. I have said that to people and I have been given items on those terms.

When I lent my amby and said 'give it back when you've finished with it' I would most definitely have expected it to be available to me had I suddenly become pregnant or something.

At the end of the day it's a coat. Really not worth getting stroppy or materialistic about. I'm with SGB.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 08/09/2010 14:17

oh and ledodgy :)

saintlydamemrsturnip · 08/09/2010 14:17

lol @ wore it during your goth phase

QS · 08/09/2010 14:18

The coat was special to her, although it was not in her style. It had belonged to her uncle. She kindly brought it to you, a special friend, thinking you may have some use of it. It was a kind act. You accepted it. Never mind what was said at the time.

For all you know your friend might have been missing the coat. It was a family heirloom. Fine, it was just a coat, not diamonds, but still something that belonged to a dear relative.

She made it clear the coat was not to be binned, but returned to you if you had no use of it. That should tell you the coat was special to her.

You can argue whether it is a gift or a loan till you are blue in the face.

Over the years she may have realized that parting with the coat was a mistake. She might have realized that your friendship was dwindling, and maybe you were no longer worthy of carrying her uncles coat.

To you it is A Coat. To her it is Uncles Coat. Therein lies the difference.
The fact that you think about the coat in terms of Payment, Maintenance and Upkeep confirms this.

Your main concern seems to be, not your friend, her daughter and the uncles coat, but yourself, and the money you have spent on the coat.

She wants it back, for her own child. Let her have it.

You are no friend, if you dont realize this, and hand it back to her gracefully.

QS · 08/09/2010 14:18

sorry typo :

She made it clear the coat was not to be binned, but returned to her if you had no use of it. That should tell you the coat was special to her.

paisleyleaf · 08/09/2010 14:19

yanbu to be upset
But I think you're best way to deal with this is to give the coat back and put it down to misunderstanding.

(Until you said it was fake I avoided posting on this as I'd thought it was a deliberately controversial subject to wind people up about the lamb foetuses).

nikkershaw · 08/09/2010 14:19

it is horrible when you give something then really want it back! i'd give it back

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 08/09/2010 14:19

NINE PAGES.

IT'S JUST A COAT FFS.

nikkershaw · 08/09/2010 14:20

didn't madonna have one once? uproar iirc

GetOrfMoiLand · 08/09/2010 14:21

Flightattendant had it bang on imo waaay up the thread - when she said that when she gave you the coat she had no idea that one day her daughter would be a gallumphing great teenager who would really covet (and possibly cherish) this coat after seeing it in a photo.

It would be very churlish to refuse to give it back imo. XCan understand the OP being upset, but to be honest I think there is only one thing to do, and that is to give it back.

To me this whole thing reminds me of Pagan's coat in Shirley Conran's novel Lace (I wasted my teenage years reading crappy novels)

cloudydays · 08/09/2010 14:22

I agree with every word that QS wrote. And besides, if you hang on to it and lose a friendship and maybe have nagging doubts that you acted unkindly in all this, won't that kind of spoil the enjoyment of the coat for you, anyway?

Next time you put it on will you really be thinking "Wow I look great in this, I'm so glad I chose it over my friend's feelings about her daughter's sense of connection to a beloved, departed relative"?

ledodgy · 08/09/2010 14:22

Is it only me that now really wants to see a picture of the damn coat?

saintlydamemrsturnip · 08/09/2010 14:23

Yes, and I'd like to see the friend's reply to the email. :o I know what my reply would be.

catherinedenerve · 08/09/2010 14:23

Your friend is SO rude, and so is her daughter.
Since you wear it still, they should back off, with apologies.
Effectively, she is telling you that you were merely looking after the coat for her until one of her children would want it, then? Ridiculous, as I understand it it was given to you until you decided you did not want it anymore.

You certainly are Not BU!

However, you've had good run enjoying wearing the coat, and in some way, morally, if not legally, the coat is hers as it comes from her family. I don't know if you'd still enjoy wearing it now anyway.
If she wishes to be rude, inconsiderate and unreasonable, she can, and so can you; you could demand that old LP/book/tenner you lend her ages ago and also, when she comes to collect her mangy coat, you could offer her a cup of tea and a fab cupcake, but then snatch the cupcake before she bites into it, to keep for your DD/DS/DH. Childish, terrible , I know, but fuss about explaining that you now know she would do the same thing in a similar situation.

toastandmarmiterocks · 08/09/2010 14:24

Yes, I want to see THE picture that the friend's daughter saw that made her fall in love with it!!

ledodgy · 08/09/2010 14:25

I am also imagining the friend opening the email thinking 'FFS I just want the bloody coat back not a bloody picture of her in it.'

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 08/09/2010 14:29

QS - the coat was so special to her that she was going to give it to a junk shop if Rockin didn't want it. That's not how I'd treasure something special.

SauvignonBlanche · 08/09/2010 14:30

PuppyMonkey · 08/09/2010 14:32

God, can I just say this is a brilliant thread!!

Please everyone who keeps bleating on about it being a loan, can't you understand: The friend was going to give the coat to a JUNK SHOP!!!!!!!!!!!! Or would you treat that as a LOAN as well.

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