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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very upset by friend demanding something back given to me 15 years ago??

555 replies

rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 11:39

I'll try not to ramble, but already feeling ill & now very upset, so excuse me if I do....I would apreciate opinions as to whether or not I am being unreasonable in, a being upset, & b, refusing.

Some 16 odd years ago, probably much more, ........my friend ...(who is one of my DDs 2 GodMums) gave me a vintage astrakan coat, passed to her by her uncle, but not her style at all, but very much mine..........she said at the time something along the lines of "if you change your mind & don't wear it, or want it in future, don't get rid of it, but let me have it back, maybe I'll keep it or pass it on"

Now I love this coat, repaired the lining & keep it for winter going out for special occasions & have looked after it well, so its still in as new condition

the other day I recieved an e-mail, telling me her DD now 17 had been looking through old family photos, & has fell in love with this coat...& wondered if I still had it & was it used..& could she have it back....at first I was confused & thought she meant a 1 she had passed over to my DD....

e-mail yesterday clarified what she meant....so I replied saying, yes, I still love it & wear it with pride & even included a recent photo (we don't live close to each other anymore)

Just now recieved a reply along the lines of....

Sadly DD feels just as strongly about the coat & DD takes precedence over friend, will be popping down to your town next Monday I will collect it then Shock

Confused
OP posts:
BettySuarez · 08/09/2010 12:45

Stick it on Ebay and tell if she wants it, she can bid for it Wink

theyoungvisiter · 08/09/2010 12:46

"Write a note about the lambs, as gruesome as poss with urls, and hide it in an inside pocket for the daughter to find when she wears it the first time. She won't want it any more."

Do you think it's likely the the friend would give back the coat though, if the op did this? Wouldn't she be more likely to think "sheesh what a nutjob"?!

Jux · 08/09/2010 12:46

There's one for £15 here

BuntyPenfold · 08/09/2010 12:47

Sorry, Cat, I missed that - I thought someone said the coat was valuable.

Lets have a collection for a nice new coat for the OP. She needs cheering up.

Jux · 08/09/2010 12:48

Aw theyoungvisiter, I wasn't being serious

saintlydamemrsturnip · 08/09/2010 12:49

I wouldn't see it as a gift if I was asked to give it back when I'd finished with it. I treat that as a loan. I've lent an amby hammock with that proviso before (whilst giving a bunch of other stuff with - pass it on/sell it/whatever when you've finished).

Having read how it's made I don't think I'd want it anyway!

edam · 08/09/2010 12:50

Your friend is unbelievable. So what if her dd saw a photo? Though shit, the coat was given away 15 years ago!

sorrento56 · 08/09/2010 12:50

"if you change your mind & don't wear it, or want it in future, don't get rid of it, but let me have it back, maybe I'll keep it or pass it on"

If being the operative word. I think if it was me - not that a friend would ask for something back like this - I would return it and be the bigger person. Then go shopping.

FakePlasticTrees · 08/09/2010 12:51

she wants it now because sheepskin is fashionable this winter in all it's various guises. If you kept hold of it until Spring, I would put money on her DD not being interested.

E-mail her back saying 1) you aren't in on Monday and she'll have to fit round you and 2) you are genuinely surprised she has asked for a gift back after 16 years, esp as you just told her how much you love and wear it, you have had the coat relined and kept it well and you consider her petty and your opinion of her has just nose-dived. But of course if it means so much to her that she's prepared to loose a friend over a coat she's not given a second thought too for 16 years, then you'll hand it over. On a day and at a time that suits you.

then when you're feeling better, go get a fabulous new coat for the winter and ignore the odd woman in the future.

flowerybeanbag · 08/09/2010 12:51

Be the bigger person and give it back to her. She obviously has a different understanding of the conversation than you do, you've had 16 years wear out of it, now she wants to pass it down to her DD just as it was passed down to her.

It's a bit weird of her I agree, not to refuse her DD, but that's what she's done and, given it's a family heirloom of sorts rather than something she bought herself, I think refusing will seem a bit petty unfortunately.

PadmeHum · 08/09/2010 12:55

Tell her to get stuffed.

15 months maybe, but 15 YEARS?

She is barking!

nancydrewrocked · 08/09/2010 12:57

FFS it's a coat.

You have had 16 years of enjoyment out of it, now return it with good grace.

Her behaviour is odd but are you really going to refuse a request for the return of something which is ultimately a family heirloom when you know it is being passed on to her DD - you will look churlish.

pooka · 08/09/2010 12:57

The OP has said that it's a fake.

nancydrewrocked · 08/09/2010 12:58

Oooh I see flowery has said exactly what I was trying to Smile

And seriously as a reminder it is a coat

VinegarTits · 08/09/2010 12:59

dont give it back, she has already ruined your friendship by telling you she is coming to get it regardless of whether you still want/wear it

VinegarTits · 08/09/2010 13:00

and the family heirloom excuse is a load of cock, its a coat fgs, not a diamond ring

meltedchocolate · 08/09/2010 13:01

It's a coat that OP loves and has taken care of and paid for it' upkeep

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 08/09/2010 13:02

If the friend had honestly thought it was a loan, then surely she would either have asked for it back years ago, or would have alluded to it being a loan when she did finally ask for it back - "Rockinhippy - you know that coat I lent you all those years ago - could I have it back now, as dd will now fit it and wants to wear it" - but she didn't say that, did she!.

But as sorrento says, saying if you change your mind and don't wear it or want it in future, don't get rid of it, but let me have it back makes it very clear that it is not a loan.

And she approached the OP in the first place to ask her if she wanted the coat - she didn't want to wear it, it wasn't her style. She didn't want the coat, so gave it away, and now wants it back because her daughter wants the coat. It's not the OP's fault that the friend has changed her mind.

PuppyMonkey · 08/09/2010 13:03

I wouldn't give it back after all these years either -especially if I'd looked after it, repaired it, cleaned it etc out of my own pocket. Would the OP's friend have done that? Probably not. It would have spent 16 years festering in an attic or something and then what would her spoilt rotten precious daughter do? Move on, clearly.

Say you misunderstood which coat she meant and produce some minging one you thought she was talking about. Grin Or say you'll have a look for it, then tell her you've had no luck, sorry and all that. By the time her daughter's hung on for you, she'll probably have moved on to the next thing she wants.

theyoungvisiter · 08/09/2010 13:04

I don't think you can say the family heirloom argument doesn't hold water just becuase it's a coat. If you have good memories attached to something it is important - regardless.

Flowery has said what I was trying to, only more briefly.

THe friend clearly sees this gift/loan very differently to you - whether that was her fault for not expressing herself better at the time, or whether you've just both misremembered over the years doesn't really matter.

Be the bigger person and move on.

warthog · 08/09/2010 13:05

i would give it back i'm afraid.

and yes, i think the friendship is lost.

droves · 08/09/2010 13:06

My arse her dd wants the coat !

Secondhand /vintage Astrakhan coats can sell for £500 .

Tell your friend to go jump !

theyoungvisiter · 08/09/2010 13:08

"But as sorrento says, saying if you change your mind and don't wear it or want it in future, don't get rid of it, but let me have it back makes it very clear that it is not a loan."

No - all that says is what the OP thinks was said at the conversation.

It was 15 years ago. It's more than likely the friend would give a very different version of the conversation.

15 years is a long time - DH and I can disagree wildly about conversations we had just a few days ago, even a few minutes. It only takes one misunderstood/misheard/misremembered word to completely change the meaning of a phrase.

For eg, perhaps the friend said when you have finished with it I want it back. That would be rather different...

WinkyWinkola · 08/09/2010 13:09

Friend is being unreasonable and a nutter.

I agree with fakeplastictreesapproach.

VinegarTits · 08/09/2010 13:10

if it was such an important family heirloom she woulnt have given it away in the first place, so yes it is a lot of cock imo