To be very upset by friend demanding something back given to me 15 years ago??

[rockinhippy]

I'll try not to ramble, but already feeling ill & now very upset, so excuse me if I do....I would apreciate opinions as to whether or not I am being unreasonable in, a being upset, & b, refusing.

Some 16 odd years ago, probably much more, ........my friend ...(who is one of my DDs 2 GodMums) gave me a vintage astrakan coat, passed to her by her uncle, but not her style at all, but very much mine..........she said at the time something along the lines of "if you change your mind & don't wear it, or want it in future, don't get rid of it, but let me have it back, maybe I'll keep it or pass it on"

Now I love this coat, repaired the lining & keep it for winter going out for special occasions & have looked after it well, so its still in as new condition

the other day I recieved an e-mail, telling me her DD now 17 had been looking through old family photos, & has fell in love with this coat...& wondered if I still had it & was it used..& could she have it back....at first I was confused & thought she meant a 1 she had passed over to my DD....

e-mail yesterday clarified what she meant....so I replied saying, yes, I still love it & wear it with pride & even included a recent photo (we don't live close to each other anymore)

Just now recieved a reply along the lines of....

Sadly DD feels just as strongly about the coat & DD takes precedence over friend, will be popping down to your town next Monday I will collect it then

I think I'd reply to her saying somehing like "OK, that's fine - in the meantime can you send me a picture of your DDs coats so I can decide which one she can bring with her to swap it with? I don't want to be left without a coat and presumably we are the same size!"

And see what she says. But I'm a bit mean.

I'm gobsmacked that she has asked for it back and worried about what that means for your friendship. I mean who talks like that? 'DD takes precedence over friend'.

Seriously it seems hurtful and unfair, but I would still give it back. Think better of myself for giving it back and blacklist the friend from your Christmas card list.

To be fair, you friend doesn't sound very nice, and in that respect YANBU to be upset.

But I wonder if all of this has been a misunderstanding - you think she gave it to you, she thinks it was a long loan.

Unless you put it in writing at the time (which would have been weird) neither of you have anything to rely on other than your own memory.

Piss on it and then give it back.

I think you should just give the coat back actually. Is quite nice that her dd has seen the thing in some old family pictures and would like to wear the coat.

Not worth falling out over it, to be honest. Your friend probably has a completely different recollection of how it was arrange all those years ago. She probably thinks that you lent it, in light of her comments asking for you to give it back when you get sick of it. In her mind it is still hers.

Anyway, it is an heirloom of sorts (albeit a slightly shaggy one) so don't be petty about it and demand to keep it.

YANBU

She gave it to you. She said she'd only want it back if you weren't using it. You are still using it.

She is basically saying "well, my DD wants it, so never mind what I told you, she comes first".

(Bet her DD is one spoiled madam if this is how her mum behaves).

If the friendship is ruined anyway... then keep the coat as it sounds like you love it.

If not... then be the bigger person, let her have it back, saying "Sorry you have changed your mind, I will really miss my coat" or other suitable wording.

Do you think your friend thought she was lending it to you? I mean to be fair you can't possibly remember the exact conversation..

This was 15 years ago.

It sounds to me as though she has realised it is valuable..
For me the whole incident would spoil my enjoyment of the coat so I probably do what Tennantsgirl suggested, I feel sorry for your DD as well- her Godmother doesn't sound very nice!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar

It's not yours though, OP!

I don't give a fig about the legal aspect - she lent it to you, as a friend, on a long loan. I imagine she thought it would be better that the coat was worn and cared for than clogging up her wardrobe, she knew you loved it, so she let you be it's custodian. This was rather nice of her I think, and a neat solution to a possible storage issue.

Now she wants to pass her coat (the coat that was passed onto her by her uncle) to her own dd. Nothing unreasonable about that at all. It might not be a common occurence, but it's not weird.

YABU.

Sorry you misunderstand, ...as I remember it.....it was brought to me & asked if I wanted it, I hadn't seen it or asked for it, as it wasn't her taste & she would rather it went to someone who would appreciate it, which I did, as I love stuff like that........she did seem to feel responsible for it as it was passed to her by her uncle (think it had been her Aunts) hence why she said to let her have it back if it was no use to me........

I've done similar myself with heirlooms I don't like........given them away to people who have that type of taste & what I hope is a good home....I don't want them, but feel responsible as they are heirlooms as such, so I am happy if they go to someone who apreciates them, difference is, I wouldn't dream of insisting I got it back so many years later, if I changed my mind, or my DD showed an interest in it.

I have said no, & let her know that I am that I am upset by her attitude & insistence as she obviously doesn't value my friend ship any more......I mean FFs, after this length of time, she's lucky its not completely worn out & ready for the bin, which no doubt it will be in the hands of a teen...........I do feel very saddened though

I would give it back - by leaving it in a carrier bag on the doorstep and being out when she called. I would also never contact her again.
I think she is being unreasonable. Of course there is the chance that she has understood all along that the coat would go back to her at some point, but she should have much more sensitivity in how she has handled this, and for that reason alone, I would not continue this friendship.
Don't lose sleep over it...and like another poster said, Go and buy yourself something else to wear that you really really like.

Urgh at lamb foetuses - really.

Very difficult situation. I hate receiving so-called gifts that have a catch. I'd rather not accept something in the first place.

I think you should be the better person and give the coat back, but I'm not sure you can consider her a friend after her behaviour.

She shouldn't have given it away in the first place or she should have made it clear that op could wear it until she herself wanted it back.

I had two antique sewing tables - beautiful things. I lent one to my cousin 20 odd years ago, and though I'd quite like to have it back now I wouldn't dream of asking. Even though she knows it was lent, I really consider it hers now as I'm sure she does, and her kids will have grown up with it so they will too. Of course, if I asked, she'd give it to me, but we'd never be on the same footing again so I look on it with a small amount of regret but, to me, it's not worth what I'd lose to act on it.

Same with a picture which is in the keeping of another relative.

Both these things I lent because I didn't live in appropriate or safe places to keep them myself. Now I could have them here safely but I won't.

Your friend doesn't seem to value your friendship too well, I'm afraid.

I also think after 15 years it is very much time for you to get a new coat.

She's a numbskull for having handed it over to someone else. Why do you want to hang around such moronic people? Give her back the coat and cut her off.

I would give it back, even if it upset me - the family connection would make me want the dd to have it, even if I grudged returning it.

Get yourself to here and start looking to replace it, if you have enjoyed wearing it for the last 15 yrs you can justify replacing it with something vintage.

belgo - you are quite right about these 'gifts' which then turn out to have a catch.
It goes along the lines of: Would you like this for your DD?
You: Yes, how lovely (out of politeness rather than desire).
Them: only 10 pounds.

Astrakhan or Broadtail fur coats are made from lambs younger than ten days old. Since the lamb skin thickens after three days, the baby lambs are killed by the time they are three days old. To fetch the best quality and to reap the highest profit, farmers kill the mother and remove the lamb from her womb. The fetus is then killed and skinned. A coat made of this "quality" of skin can start around $25k, while coats made from 3 day old lambs can start at $5k. For those who have been enlightened on this type of fur, hearing that your coat is made of this fur may yield a combination of disbelief and disgust. Dateline did a special on this particular kind of fur trade a few years ago. Google "broadtail fur" or "Astrakhan fur" and read the many articles on this topic. With all the other types of fur out there, why stoop to buying one of the most gruesome magnitude?
Having googled it, I don't know why anyone would want this item.

Well I can see this both ways.

In the first place it's perfectly possible that your recollection of the conversation and your friend's recollection are quite different.

You clearly took the coat as a gift (I'm sure in good faith) but it's perfectly possible that she intended it as a loan all along and always considered it a family heirloom that would return to her family eventually - certainly the emphasis on giving it back rather than passing it on yourself does imply this.

You are both relying on your memories of a conversation 15 years ago and I think you have to accept that although you are sure she presented it as a gift, she may be equally convinced that it was given as a loan.

Since none of us were there at the original conversation and have no idea what was actually said, I think all we can say is that it's sad that she feels this way, but at the end of the day the coat is clearly valuable to her and she regards it as a family heirloom - you've had 16 years of use out of it which is at least better than her packing it away in a loft for 16 years on the off-chance of having a family some day.

More importantly, you are ill and have more important things to concentrate on. Hand over the coat, draw a line, and then if you possibly can, try to put this out of your mind and move on.

The coat was given to the OP, the giver asked for first dibs on it IF the OP no longer wanted it. It is the property of the OP and has been since the day it was given to her.

If it were me, I would feel the friendship irrevocably damaged by this incident. And I'm not sure I'd take as much pleasure wearing the coat now either.

Worst of both worlds really.

I also agree with Sanielle after 15 years you deserve a new coat! Treat yourself.

I also agree with other posters that I'm not sure I could personally wear Astrakhan. It's not very nice stuff.

Maybe you could subtly let this slip to the daughter and see if she still wants it?

yabu - give it back.

Write a note about the lambs, as gruesome as poss with urls, and hide it in an inside pocket for the daughter to find when she wears it the first time. She won't want it any more.

Bunty, I believe the OP said at some point that it is a fake persian lamb coat

My first thought on reading OP was "why on earth would anyone want to wear that, let alone fall out about it?". I'm wearing my non-animal products judgeypants I'm afraid despite knowing the lambs in question would have no doubt been eaten if not skinned first decades ago.

On the initial point though - I'd say there's been a misunderstanding somewhere along the line, she understood she was lending it to you on a very long-term loan but she wanted it back when you'd finished - a true gift wouldn't in my opinion have strings attached about what you do with it afterwards. You've paid for it to be repaired but you've also had the use of it after that (although you might as well ask for reimbursement). Perhaps you could say that if the daughter changes her mind, you'd like it back again please as you are sorry to part with it as you still love wearing it.