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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be very upset by friend demanding something back given to me 15 years ago??

555 replies

rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 11:39

I'll try not to ramble, but already feeling ill & now very upset, so excuse me if I do....I would apreciate opinions as to whether or not I am being unreasonable in, a being upset, & b, refusing.

Some 16 odd years ago, probably much more, ........my friend ...(who is one of my DDs 2 GodMums) gave me a vintage astrakan coat, passed to her by her uncle, but not her style at all, but very much mine..........she said at the time something along the lines of "if you change your mind & don't wear it, or want it in future, don't get rid of it, but let me have it back, maybe I'll keep it or pass it on"

Now I love this coat, repaired the lining & keep it for winter going out for special occasions & have looked after it well, so its still in as new condition

the other day I recieved an e-mail, telling me her DD now 17 had been looking through old family photos, & has fell in love with this coat...& wondered if I still had it & was it used..& could she have it back....at first I was confused & thought she meant a 1 she had passed over to my DD....

e-mail yesterday clarified what she meant....so I replied saying, yes, I still love it & wear it with pride & even included a recent photo (we don't live close to each other anymore)

Just now recieved a reply along the lines of....

Sadly DD feels just as strongly about the coat & DD takes precedence over friend, will be popping down to your town next Monday I will collect it then

OP posts:

DinahRod · 08/09/2010 12:09

YANBU

I would give it back, she's rather tainted the 'gift' now. But she has some gall, the email is presumptuous and rude, informing you when she would collect it, before even having got your agreement re giving up the coat. Actually, I think you should be out on Monday when she comes to call.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 08/09/2010 12:12

Senua, in the OP, she said that her friend gave her the coat that she'd got from her uncle - where on earth are you getting that it was a loan not a gift?

The friend only said that if the OP changed her mind and didn't want it, she should give it back rather than getting rid of it - that in no way implies that it is a loan.

OP, I would email the friend along these lines:

Dear Friend,

When you gave me the coat all those years ago, it was very clear to me that it was a gift not a loan, and therefore it passed from your possession to mine. Therefore you do not have any right to demand the coat back for your daughter.

If you are struggling with the concept of ownership as it applies in this case, do not feel able to explain it to your daughter and therefore still wish to demand that I give you the coat (which I have worn and loved ever since you gave it to me), and if this is more important to you than friendship, then I will leave the coat on my doorstep in a carrier bag on Monday, as I will have no wish whatsoever to see you.

Yours
Rockinhippy.

Callisto · 08/09/2010 12:12

It read as a 'give' not a 'lend' to me also. Along the lines of 'Please have this coat if you like it, but if ever you decide to get rid of it please tell me first in case I want it back'. Pretty clear and straightforward and I think your friend is being a bit rude, selfish and short-sighted.

Personally this whole scenario would rather sour the love I originally felt for the coat and I would probably give it back whilst feeling rather pissed off and resentful. I can't see how the friendship will survive this tbh and, awful as it sounds, I fear that you will be the loser no matter what the outcome.

StandingAtTheBackLookingStupid · 08/09/2010 12:13

Similat thing happened to me. My friend only had one thing from her mum, who had passed away and it was a large, old fashioned sewing machine with it's own table. It didn't fit with her decor so she was {going to get rid of it.

I felt sad that she would lose the last thing of her mum's and thought she might regret it so offered to have it on the proviso if she ever wanted it back I would return it { and gave her some money for it }.

Fast forward fifteen plus years and this thing has moved umpteen times with me. does not fit in with my decor and isn't particularly useful, but because she is my friend and I had promised to, I had kept it.

She visited me, for the first time in years { we live far apart now }. saw it and just said " I'll take that". No would you mind if I took this back or thank you for keeping it for me. I had no problem with the principle of her taking it { was glad to see the back of it} only with her graceless way of doing it.

There were other things that I had tried to ignore about her attitudes, that were very different to mine, but this episode brought them into stark relief and although we are still friends, it has damaged the friendship and I have gradually withdrawn.

A couple of years later she decided she didn't want the sewing machine any more and asked if I wanted it back and when I said no, she just dumped it.

So I would say that even if you give the coat back { and I think you would be well within your rights to keep it } the friendship may well be damaged by how she has gone about things.

DinahRod · 08/09/2010 12:13

And like the idea of billing her for the coat repair.

sanielle · 08/09/2010 12:14

I htink as she menioned she mnight want it back in the furture and it is a fmaily heirloom of sorts.. you shoudl give it back

CatIsSleepy · 08/09/2010 12:14

well I'd be pretty pissed off
after 16 years I'd consider the coat mine tbh

her dd sounds pretty selfish actually! if i'd seen a picture of my mum's old coat and fallen in love with it etc blah blah when I was 17 I'm not sure I'd have expected its current owner to hand it back just like that. And it's pretty unreasonable of your friend to expect you to give it back, knowing that you still love it and wear it.

Have no idea what you should do though!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 08/09/2010 12:16

It's not yours though, OP!

I don't give a fig about the legal aspect - she lent it to you, as a friend, on a long loan. I imagine she thought it would be better that the coat was worn and cared for than clogging up her wardrobe, she knew you loved it, so she let you be it's custodian. This was rather nice of her I think, and a neat solution to a possible storage issue.

Now she wants to pass her coat (the coat that was passed onto her by her uncle) to her own dd. Nothing unreasonable about that at all. It might not be a common occurence, but it's not weird.

YABU.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 08/09/2010 12:16

Sanielle - she didn't mention she might want it back in the future - she said if Rockinhippy changed her mind and didn't want it any more, could she give it back instead of getting rid of it - very, very different.

teenyanne · 08/09/2010 12:17

YANBU - if the coat meant that much to her, then she shouldn't have waited 16+ years to ask for it back, now she's acting like it's her daughters right to have the coat. Not sure what I would do with the coat if I was in your position, but I would certainly be ditching the friendship, because she obviously doesn't value your friendship enough to tell her dd that the coat now belongs to someone else and she can't have it.

Original poster

rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 12:17

No its a vintage 50s Wonans coat(to me) fake persian Lamb....I made the same mistake over her asking for the "astrakan" coat back, thinking it was the 70s type of thing DDs godfather bought ! for friends DD & was passed on to DD & is still to big

& yes, by her stroppy wording she as already done (spoiled friendship) that & last visit here not letting me know she was in town, because I had told her DD was at a Summer School that week, so she wanted to see DD, but couldn't be bothered to see me on my own...though I would of happily let that go, I find her attitude very odd....if it were the other way around, I would tell my own DD to swivel..........

& there are plenty of things I have given her & her own DD.....a beautiful handmade silk chinese pink dress for 1, that my DD would look lovely in, but I wouldn't dream of asking for it back.......where I come from, its known as Indian giving..........giving gifts & then expecting them back when you say so

& yes Scary teacher is right, it is my favourite going out coat, & not going to DD at all............& she only said to give it back if I no longer wanted it, & was getting rid......I'm not sure she even had a DD back then, maybe she was a baby

like I say, I'm ill, so probably over reacting to be upset, but don't feel I should be obliged to give it back............asking fine, but insisting I feel is wrong & would never dream of doing it myself to anyone, friend or not

there was

OP posts:

BuntyPenfold · 08/09/2010 12:18

I agree that the friendship is probably ruined anyway, so do you still want this coat?
If you do, keep it.Or keep your friend. You can't have both.

sanielle · 08/09/2010 12:18

Spelling.... trying to eat and type. Do apologise.

meltedchocolate · 08/09/2010 12:18

I agree with staying's suggested email. If she really really wants it that badly then give her it but make sure she knows that you are not happy about it and that she is being totally unreasonable and very wierd.

It was a gift, not a loan.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 08/09/2010 12:18

its custodian. Good grief!

Sanielle - I agree - it's a kind of heirloom.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/09/2010 12:20

I also read this as a gift, with the proviso that you return it to her only if you were going to get rid of it sometime in the future.

I think her behaviour is very rude and for me the friendship would already be damaged. With that in mind, I would keep the coat.
For you though, I guess it comes down to whether you want to keep the friend more than the coat.

notquitenormal · 08/09/2010 12:21

The initial enquiry is perfectly reasonable, the follow up is seriously cheeky.

I'd tell het to fuck right off.

...maybe that's why I don't have many freinds

LouMacca · 08/09/2010 12:21

YANBU. I can't believe the cheek of your friend!

I agree with wonka - whatever you decide to do the friendship will never be the same therefore if I was in your shoes I wouldn't give it back - you love that coat!

Look forward to seeing your update.

meltedchocolate · 08/09/2010 12:21

In that case rock, no, don't give it back. Refuse.

Cloudbase · 08/09/2010 12:22

She gave it, not lent it.

I did the same thing with a family of Teddy Bears that belonged to my Grandmother. I gave them to my two BF's children (long before I had children myself). All I said to them was, that because they had been my Grandmothers, if they ever decided to get rid of them/throw them out etc, to throw them back to me (for sentimental reasons).

One of the children cleared out her bedroom of all her 'kiddy' toys couple of years ago and my friend immediately rang me and offered me the bear back, which I gratefully accepted. However, the other two bears are still with them and I wouldn't dream of asking for them back - they are no longer mine!

She is being v cheeky imho

By the way, for those who weren't sure, Astrakhan is fur - it is the skin of lamb foetuses! bet her teenage daughter doesn't know that...!

BuntyPenfold · 08/09/2010 12:23

Sorry, cross posted.
I'm sorry you are ill OP, you must feel down.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/09/2010 12:23

Just read your recent comments. Tell her she can have the coat back if she returns all the things you've given her over the years. If she wont/can't, then tell her you will be keeping the coat. She doesn't sound like a friend anyway

meltedchocolate · 08/09/2010 12:24

It was an heirloom but she gave that heirloom away. She should accept her mistake and move on. Not ask for it back..

AuntieMaggie · 08/09/2010 12:25

I would give it back.... when you're finished with it whenever that may be.... as originally agreed.

CatIsSleepy · 08/09/2010 12:25

you could always be out when she pops round...

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