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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find competitive parents annoying

186 replies

Pushmeinthepool · 01/09/2010 23:26

I mean, what exactly is the point in being all competitive and trying to get oneupmanship on other parents?

I met up with a friend yesterday who has a DS the same age as my DS (13 months). The conversation throughout our meeting was peppered with competitive statements from her about her child.

Things such as:

"Oh, so your DS isn't walking yet?? REALLY? Oh dear. X has been walking for ages"

"I can't believe how happy and easily pleased your DS is to just sit there in the buggy. X is just so advanced, no way would he just be happy sitting there doing nothing. He needs stimulation"

"My DS is talking so well, his understanding is fantastic. I bet you can't wait until your DS is at that level"

Now, just to clarify, apart from walking, our DS's are identical in ability and how they behave. I didn't bother to get defensive and say "Actually he can talk" or whatever, because, really what is the point in even going there? It's fine mentioning these things in conversation but not in a way so as to put the other person down.

I've met so many competitive parents over the years since I had DD1 really and I can never quite understand their mentality.

OP posts:
Doodlez · 01/09/2010 23:28

Just wait until you meet the "What reading level is your DS on?" brigade!!!!

colditz · 01/09/2010 23:29

you tilt your head slightly to one side, slap and concerned smile on your face and say

"Ohhh .... you see, that would really worry me...."

Refuse, politely, to explain or elaborate upon this comment.

Lauriefairycake · 01/09/2010 23:29

get better 'friends'.

she's bonkers.

Original poster
Pushmeinthepool · 01/09/2010 23:30

Doodlez, I've met many of them over the years, and OMG they are annoying too. I refuse to get caught up in that kind of chat in the playground as it's just so unnecessary.

LOL Colditz, I will definitely try that one next time, that's hilarious....

And Lauriefairy, I agree!

OP posts:
hmc · 01/09/2010 23:31

That does sound annoying - I would avoid her!

Original poster
Pushmeinthepool · 01/09/2010 23:33

There were so many other comments as well as the ones I said; it got so that almost everything she said was her trying to get one up on me really.

OP posts:
FrameyMcFrame · 01/09/2010 23:36

you need some stock responses.

'They all learn to walk/talk/fart/read/potty etc eventually'

'will they be putting 'I learned to read at 2' on their c.v?'

'will your child be entering the baby olympics this year?'

listenandlearn · 01/09/2010 23:38

it will only get worse

be with people you are happy with and dont make you feel Grrrrrrrrrrrr about these thing

the school playground is another i choose from the begining not to get into the clique of that just had couple of mates id had for sometime

good luck

Katey1010 · 01/09/2010 23:39

I had a friend like this once. We ended up calling him Twoshit as a nickname. Because if you had done one, he had done two. It stuck and boy did he get mad.

It's just her low self-esteem and you ANBU to just love your DS and not join in. Your real friends will really appreciate it!

Original poster
Pushmeinthepool · 01/09/2010 23:40

The main thing that peed me off was how she made out he was some kind of simpleton as he was happy sitting in the buggy eating and watching our older children play, and she just kept saying things like "Look, my DS wants to go and play with the older children. He's so grown up. But then he acts like he's much older than 1. I can't believe your DS is just happy to watch"

OP posts:
Original poster
Pushmeinthepool · 01/09/2010 23:41

PMSL at Twoshit; that's great!!!

OP posts:
Danthe4th · 01/09/2010 23:42

I have to disagree there is nothing more hilarious than competitive parents.
I've spent many hours at toddler groups and outside the school gates listening, I look on it as a form of entertainment.

Vallhala · 01/09/2010 23:44

Just you wait until Tarquin is chosen for the school football team ("Oh, isn't it a shame that John isn't?")!

Stock responses are great, I love the one about the reading on the CV! It's equally as much fun to sit back and watch the mobile, talkative tarquin behave like a little so and so because doting Mummy thinks he's perfect and watch her draw drop when she realises that John doesn't behave like that.

treas · 01/09/2010 23:47

When my ds was small he was the first to achieve a lot of the milestones that everyone looks out for e.g. he walked (v v wobbly) at 9 month, said his first words at 10 months (garden, tickle, bugger), reading level of 7 y o before he started school.

I was so paranoid that I would be seen as a competitive mum that every time someone commented 'oh he's early to be doing ...' I always talk his achievements down e.g. walking (only now it is a PITA coz I can't leave him in the middle of the room), talking and reading (yes, but you'll never know it when they are all 10 y o) etc.

gingerkirsty · 01/09/2010 23:50

And she thinks that "He's so grown up. But then he acts like he's much older than 1." is a good thing? Like there's anything wrong with being 1 FGS! Ignore ignore ignore

reallytired · 01/09/2010 23:51

My SIL is just like your friend. My son as a toddler had the wooden spoon in the baby development Olympics.

He walked at 20 months and even then he had a child physio between the ages of 24 months and three and half years old. My son had orthoric inserts to help him walk and we did daily physio. My son had orthopedic problems. He was also very slow to learn to speak due to glue ear.

I remember feeling over joyed that he had walked across a room. ie. a distance of about three metres at the age of two and half. My SIL who was in the room said "that's nothing, my son (who was six weeks older) can walk a mile."

However at seven years old, my son thrashed her son in his SATS. He had level 3s in Maths and Reading. This was inspite of attending "a poor School". My son's school was graded as "good with outstanding features" by OFSTED. The only thing that is poor is that poverty that many of the children live in.

I now have a daughter whose develop follows the textbook. She walked at 14 months and is now putting more than one word together at 16 months. It makes me realise how much luck affects development. It is nothing to do with my parenting. As a second time mother I have more confidence in my ablites.

Many people are very insecure about their children and parenting in general. It does get worst I'm afraid. My sister in law's brats now bully my son about his physical development, inspite of his development being normal for his age.

Original poster
Pushmeinthepool · 01/09/2010 23:52

Oh Treas, that's a shame you felt you had to play down your LO's achievements :-(

I love hearing about friends' children, and about how they're doing, as long as the conversation is a 2-way street and there's no belittling going on. Another thing that grates on me with people in general is people who repeatedly describe their child as "very bright". It's generally pretty obvious if a child is bright or not, and if someone repeatedly says it about their child, chances are their child probably isn't that bright after all.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Pushmeinthepool · 01/09/2010 23:54

The way I look at it is by the time they go to school at 4 or 5, they can all walk, talk, use the loo and feed themselves, so it really doesn't matter when during toddlerhood they learn all of those skills.

OP posts:
VirginonRidiculous · 01/09/2010 23:59

If she's really peeing you off OP just say "Hmm, it's not a competition" then smile. It will either create an argument or shut her up.

colditz · 02/09/2010 00:02

HER
"I can't believe your Ds is just content to sit there!"

YOU
"I know, he's so well behaved. I think it's because we keep him well stimulated at home, he doesn't feel the need to seek out other people all the time."

colditz · 02/09/2010 00:04

I have an innate stock of these because I used to say them in my head

sterrryerryoh · 02/09/2010 00:12

I was with 2 friends not so long ago - one who has a DS the same age as mine (12 months) and the other friends whose DD is 11 years. The friend with the 12 month old was being v competitive mum, and generally smugging it over me because her DS is walking and mine is not - and I was just nodding and smiling, but then the other friend (with the older DC) jumped to my defence and said ?You?re so right - Sterrry?s DS is going to suffer terribly from not walking by 12 months - just the other day, DD?s teacher said to her - my but you?re stable and elegant in your gait. You must have walked early as a baby. It stays with you for life you know?
How brilliant that was?

VirginonRidiculous · 02/09/2010 00:17

I walked at 9 months old you know...that is probably why I couldn't catch a pig in a passage. Thanks Mother! Wink

jasmeeen · 02/09/2010 00:19

Totally agree with Pushmeinthepool. By the time they all go to school it doesn't matter who sat/walked/whatever when as they are all fairly equal at age 4 or 5. Who the heck cares, most people can walk/talk/read at some point.....

With DC3 I'm struggling to remember when the 1st two DC did the rolling/crawling/sitting/walking/talking/biting/etc stuff to try and compare so have given up.

roadkillbunny · 02/09/2010 00:22

UANBU. It grates and at times I can find it upsetting. My dd has speech problems that have now made an impact on her reading (she is just going into Y1 and was 5 in May). My son has a speech delay, nothing as bad as dd, he doesn't have the physical problems that my dd had, he is just taking him time, he is 2.5 years old and just starting to put two words together.
earlier this summer I was at a children's birthday party with the dc, one of my best friends was there with her dc, her dd1 a year younger then mine and her dd2 3 days older then my ds, her girls have amazing speech. Her dd1 starts school tomorrow and there was another Mum we see allot of there who's dd starts school at the same time so conversation got round to it. My friend said that she was sure her dc had such great speech because she always talked to them properly, no baby talk and how her dd was doing this that and the other and how she was sure she would be reading by christmas' I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable in the conversation, it is sore point and I find it upsetting as my dd tries so hard and non of it has been her fault, she had surgery last year to help but wouldn't be so bad if my concerns had been heard earlier by health care professionals, I had not long had her IEP review which was upsetting, so yes, sore subject for me right now, my friend is aware of all this but just wasn't thinking, then her dh goes off on some rant about phonics and how crap it is even though he has no clue how it works and going on about how whole word recognition is the way to go, I pointed out that whole word recognition will get you so far but then you hit problems, this is a problem we have had as dd tries to take the easy way as sounding out is so hard for her, he just went on and on and my friend was agreeing so I excused myself from the conversation, my friend could see I was upset so followed me, she just didn't realise how hurtful it can be especially if you are worried about things, she knows how I parent, she knows my children's speech problems don't come from anything I have or haven't done as a parent, like most people she just got caught up in her sense of pride for her own children, she thanked me for making her aware she was getting OTT, she doesn't want to be that kind of Mum, as she is such a good friend I felt able to pull her up it also gave me the opportunity to tell her about phonics and lend her some material for her to educate herself so the out come was good in the end.
Some Mums do it to be nasty I am sure but I would guess most just open their mouth and shite comes out without thinking. sorry for the long post!