To find competitive parents annoying

[Pushmeinthepool]

I mean, what exactly is the point in being all competitive and trying to get oneupmanship on other parents?

I met up with a friend yesterday who has a DS the same age as my DS (13 months). The conversation throughout our meeting was peppered with competitive statements from her about her child.

Things such as:

"Oh, so your DS isn't walking yet?? REALLY? Oh dear. X has been walking for ages"

"I can't believe how happy and easily pleased your DS is to just sit there in the buggy. X is just so advanced, no way would he just be happy sitting there doing nothing. He needs stimulation"

"My DS is talking so well, his understanding is fantastic. I bet you can't wait until your DS is at that level"

Now, just to clarify, apart from walking, our DS's are identical in ability and how they behave. I didn't bother to get defensive and say "Actually he can talk" or whatever, because, really what is the point in even going there? It's fine mentioning these things in conversation but not in a way so as to put the other person down.

I've met so many competitive parents over the years since I had DD1 really and I can never quite understand their mentality.

Roadkill your friend's an idiot, babies need "babytalk" in order to understand different sounds, speech patterns, call and reply etc. Talking to a baby exclusively in adult language would be like teaching them how to walk by showing them videos of linford christie- they wouldn't get it!

Remember, Albert Einstein didn't talk until he was 5. And even then he could only speak German!

Oh no that must have been upsetting, Roadkill. Glad your friend realised her error though and you sorted it out.

My friend yesterday kept saying she is sure her DS speaks "so well" because she speaks to him like an adult and not a baby. Our babies are exactly the same with their speech though, she seemed to have the idea in her head that mine can't talk. Her DS kept babbling away and she kept saying "OOoh yes X, Car" or "oooh yes X, dinner" as if he'd said those words, like she was trying to prove to me that he said them.

My DS1 walked early because he didn't crawl much which may well have led to retained reflexes which in turn may be contributing to his (mild) dyslexia aged 7. So I am really chuffed he hit his milestones early (still think my DS1 is great )
You wait until the first sports day! I was pleased DS1 started running when the whistle blew and ran in the right direction without falling over. Lets face it its not going to make it into his personal statement for Uni in 10 years time is it. The reaction of some of the parents seemed to suggest there was a place at the 2012 Olympics at stake.

Oh god I think I may have been one of those Mum's when dd was young. She was bang on target for all her milestones and was an exceptional talker (and a bit of a show off/flirt) when she was a baby.

Soon learnt my lesson when ds didn't walk until 18 months and didn't really talk until 2.5 . I soon realised I was a smug twat before though.

For those with late talkers, he's almost 4 now and doing fine, he's such a wee sweetheart. I'm never smug now, about anything, ever, it always bites me on the arse.

Due to Mn I'm more aware of sn etc too, which is good.

YANBU. I started a similar thread to this a while ago which I didn't explain well at all and which, as a result, received some harsh responses. The DH of the family we share a nanny with has always been very very competitive and repeatedly made these types of comments, oh X knows all his colours, X what colour is this? Does your DS know his colours yet? X can count to 10, can your DS count to 10? He would also go on about phrases his DS had said and how clever it was and ask, has your DS said this already? For ages I said nothing but got so riled by the constant comparisons and one upmanship that I started to make my own comments back. Think it's better to take the high road and say nothing or a few sarcastic comments. It's a shame though as it means you don't want to be around that person as you feel so defensive, like you constantly have to be on your guard about some comment they might make!

YANBU. Very annoying. It can be quite hurtful, those comments, because subconsciously you may be a little worried that your ds is not "as advanced". Which is ridiculous, as we all know that children develop differently.

I have experienced said competitive woman, and they bored me to tears. I stopped seeing one particular "friend" after she continued her one upmanship, and I could see her gloating when my ds threw a tantrum in the coffee shop whilst she sat there smugly with her little angel.

You do realise that when mothers have to compare their children, they just have absolutely nothing else in their lives to occupy them, which is quite sad really.

So next time, anyone tries to compare, or lets you know how advanced their lo is, just say, "oh, he/she is so clever".

I knew someone like this. Everytime either him or his partner started I began humming "anything you can do, I can do better, I can do anything better than you". I swear they shut up every time

And now since I split up with DP I don't have to see them at all! really big

I wonder if it carries on? "Oh yes, my daughter is much more advanced than yours. She was smoking, drinking and pregnant by while yours was still just doing her GCSEs!"

Try to brush it off because it gets worse! There are few things as hideous as the secondary school mother obsessing over exam results, and who has the best UCAS offers. Try to remember it's about insecurity on the part of the boasting parent, and if they are still doing it when their children are older, it's often about not having enough going on in their life too

Try to brush it off because it gets worse! There are few things as hideous as the secondary school mother obsessing over exam results, and who has the best UCAS offers. Try to remember it's about insecurity on the part of the boasting parent, and if they are still doing it when their children are older, it's often about not having enough going on in their life too

I would have killed foru ds to have been happy to d
sit in his buggy watching the world go by at that age. My ds was like hers, and he turned into the nightmare tantruming, biting toddler from Hades who would not sit still EVER. If her child is like that in six months time, you can get your own back!

I have afriend like this now, our sons are both seven, but totally different personalities, and of course, her son is the best, and most advanced and everything my son does are things her son wouldn't do anyway as he's so wonderful. I don't enter into it either, lifes too short and I have noticed that she has incredibly low self esteem and tends to live her life through how wonderful she thinks her children are compared to others.

" There are few things as hideous as the secondary school mother obsessing over exam results"

Oh, there are.

There really are.

You just need to get your child into an orchestra or drama group and listen to the pathetic failed actors and musicians frantically working their dreams out through their children. The vast majority of kids in such groups are outgoing, lively, switched-on and recognise that at most they're building the foundation of a hobby that they can pursue in later life. But there'll always be a couple of silent, rather wan girls, with frumpy clothes and long hair, mother hovering at their shoulder, to whom your heart goes out. You know they're there because their mother didn't make it and harbours dreams, and is driving the length and breadth of the country.

The mothers will strike up conversation, the favourite gambits being "how far have you come" (with "oh, we live ten minutes away" an opportunity to boast of getting up at six) and "what grade is your daughter doing?" as a prelude to the list of actually not hugely impressive results (they don't realise that Grade 8 by your mid-teens is fairly common).

They all play the flute, too.

I have non identical twins and one of the most comforting things is that they have developed at their own pace, each in difference ways and at different times. As they are a boy and girl, many of the differences are gender based.

Please ignore those who boast this kind of nonsense and yes, they will be doing it throughout their DC's lives.

My eldest is in his late teens and I can say for sure that it is interesting to see how some of these families are coping with the 'no so perfect now' DCs. A good number of children who were micro-managed and pushed throughout their childhood have fallen off the wagon spectacularly.

Not that it gives me any satisfaction, of course!

I was another one that had to talk down DD's achievements as not to look competitive. Definitely don't have this problem with DS

It is very annoying and can't understand why people do it. A baby's first steps/first word etc. are so exciting no matter whether it's at 1yo, 2yo or even older in some cases. It's the first time that the particular baby did this thing and it's all about the sense of achievement they experience. All the rest in nosense.

I get just as annoyed with the competition over who's children are more "difficult" and therefore harder to deal with "oh, aren't you lucky to have a girl, you can't possibly imagine what life with two boys is like", or my favourite "your children are so well behaved, you're so lucky". Yeah, let's call it luck, love....

Phew.
Btw, YANBU. Ignore her

Tokyo - omg, I know the parents you mean. Ds does a lot of drama/Dance/music things (all coming from him, not me!!) and I see parents like that all the time. Especially annoying are the ones at auditions comparing how many tv shows/ads their dc have been in. Horrid pushy parents make me shudder.

YANBU, have to admit I love threads like this though as it's fun to read about all the crazy competitive mummies! :o

I think the thing with competitive parents is that they use any opportunity to put your child down whilst bigging up theirs; if a friend said to me "X is walking now" or "X can say the alphabet" I would be fine with that, and pleased for my friend. It's the backhanded compliments and comments with a sting in the tail that annoy me.

Which again, like some of you have already said, boils down to the competitive parent being insecure and wanting to prove to themselves that their child is the best.

I think the thing with competitive parents is that they use any opportunity to put your child down whilst bigging up theirs; if a friend said to me "X is walking now" or "X can say the alphabet" I would be fine with that, and pleased for my friend. It's the backhanded compliments and comments with a sting in the tail that annoy me.

Which again, like some of you have already said, boils down to the competitive parent being insecure and wanting to prove to themselves that their child is the best.

Oh treat these comments with the disdain they deserve.
When asked if you're looking forward to your child doing x or Y, look horrified, clutch him to your bosom, kiss his head and say, you love this stage, that he's a baby and you're cherishing every moment ( even if at home you're ticking off in the diary ).

Another tactic is to deliberately misnuderstand. When she comments on your child sitting in his pushchair, look delighted and say 'I know!!! Isn't he great?'

Or one I use on the competers often...they tell you something that you're supposed to be uber impressed with and you giggle and say 'oh how sweet'.

I don't mind talking to people about how their children are doing, so long as there is no boasting involved! It can be a good 'check point' to seeing what is possible at each age and what you could encourage in your own child.

Competitive parents just have their own tone. Maybe it's born just as much from insecurity as pride, who knows?

A friend of mine announced in a slightly desperate tone that her DS could lay on his stomach and hold all his limbs off the ground at once. I said something like 'ohh, great!' and she fixed me with a slightly insane look and hissed 'Do you know how hard that is?' It was a bit surreal.

YANBU. There was an uber-competitive mum at the post-natal group I went to when DD was a baby. I felt very sorry for her as she generally seemed unhappy and noone wanted to spend time with her, but after the 'what, your 4mo DD can't roll yet? really? are you going to take her to the Dr?' [Accurate record of conversation btw]I stopped returning her calls...

Yes, it is dreadful, especially when the parent goes from boasting to borderline delusional and ascribing utterly normal childhood things as a mnaifestation of incipient genius.

Another annoying thing is how all the choices they made for their child are better than yours...they have chosen the best school in the world, best drama club etc etc.

I find an interesting tactic (if not just ignoring) is to place emphasis on things that the competitive parent can't really understand.

I often say, when asked about DD's "achievements" ..."Oh, well, she's always so happy and cheerful, sings all the time and she has made some really good friends"

Competitive parents don't know what to say about that, if you listen, they never talk about their child's happiness, only what they happen to be doing at that time.

One of the best things about being an older mother is you just can't be bothered to listen to all the Alpha Mummy crap. Eventually all healthy children walk, talk, tie their own shoe laces and so on, doing these things early does not make your child a genius. Don't let competitive mothers get to you.