To find competitive parents annoying

[Pushmeinthepool]

I mean, what exactly is the point in being all competitive and trying to get oneupmanship on other parents?

I met up with a friend yesterday who has a DS the same age as my DS (13 months). The conversation throughout our meeting was peppered with competitive statements from her about her child.

Things such as:

"Oh, so your DS isn't walking yet?? REALLY? Oh dear. X has been walking for ages"

"I can't believe how happy and easily pleased your DS is to just sit there in the buggy. X is just so advanced, no way would he just be happy sitting there doing nothing. He needs stimulation"

"My DS is talking so well, his understanding is fantastic. I bet you can't wait until your DS is at that level"

Now, just to clarify, apart from walking, our DS's are identical in ability and how they behave. I didn't bother to get defensive and say "Actually he can talk" or whatever, because, really what is the point in even going there? It's fine mentioning these things in conversation but not in a way so as to put the other person down.

I've met so many competitive parents over the years since I had DD1 really and I can never quite understand their mentality.

A 'leader' huh?
That's a new one to me.
Must be hard to swallow.

I dumped a friend because she was like this about her ds and it drove me crazy. Talking to her always felt like some kind of competition, so I couldn't be bothered with it anymore.

Friendship isn't about competing over whos child is more advanced and it's just silly because everyone gets toilet trained and learns to read eventually.

herbaceaous that's another aspect the child who never nears "no" who isn't allowed to feel any emotional upset or dissatisfaction even for a second. rather than saying "don't do that" the Mums employ vastly creative distraction techniques so as to ensure their precious ones don't suffer any upset. They allow their dcs to interrupt and take over any kind of adult interaction as they are so virtuously child centred and have to be attentively listening to their child ALL THE TIME.

A friend of mine expresses wonderment at my independent life, my hobbies and activities that i sefishly pursue (yoga 1 per week, gym x2, book club 1x per month and 1 night out a fortnight to cinema/theatre/gig). she does it partly in judgement and partly in envy. Esp when I go away with a friend for the weekend without dcs. Also at how amazingly competent dh is, erm that's because I let him do it love. He's their Dad he's just as good at childcare as I am.

a mum i know wrote on a blog that she was "continually astounded by her dd1's brilliance"!!!!!!

i know this child - never seen any sign of brilliance just an average 6 nearly 7 year old!

why put the pressure on the dd to be brilliant - why not let her be an average kid? but i think in the world of competitive parenting thats just not allowed!

I am now finding this thread kinda amusing. We seemed to have descended into a conversation about how uncompetitive we are compared to our friends, which is a form of competition in itself.

My competitive friend is, to me, quite competitive how how "relaxed" she is about everything, which is really irritating. So if I say that I am worried about X, she'll say "oh, I am just sooooooo relaxed about that sort of thing."

I guess I just think that we are all competitive about some things but the trick is to keep it to yourself!

Interesting to me that there seem to be so many competitive parents out there that we have all encountered yet noone on this thread is one! Heh heh.

I do try to think how little things I say may come across as competitive too. And sometimes I worry that I am intepreting my friend as competitive just because I am highly attuned to her child's achievements myself. Maybe it is ME who is the competitive one since I obviously can't let things slide off my shoulders!

But it does bug me that some parents are always tallying their child's achievements against yours and oblivious to their own child's bad behaviour. The "leader" comment is definitely one for the books!

The comments made by the competitive mum in the original post are so bad they are funny. Colditz's suggestion to say ""Ohhh .... you see, that would really worry me...." and refuse to elaborate also very funny. :o

Chaya - I know! I can't help but inwardly punch the air when my DS does something better than one of his contemporaries, but have to think of a way of letting people know about it but without appearing to be competitive! How exhausting...

Minxof Mancunia

You have hit the nail on the head for me - the DC's that are allowed to constantly interrupt and take over EVERY situation because they are so fecking marvellous.

Bunty I read that first paragraph with a very real sense of apprehension as the boy you're describing sounds just like ds. I was really bracing myself.

Fortunately I don't think I have ever described him as a genius. And I am not a teacher.

I think I need a lie down to recover...

I love the idea of project managing your child's development. Of course I have a series of Gantt charts illustrating my own genius's journey to greatness. Happy to show you all, so you can see just how advanced he is

YANBU, competitive parents are annoying. There was a spectacular example in my ante-natal group. I took great pleasure in not accepting her Facebook friend request recently. Nowadays I avoid them don't meet many, but there are some at the school gate of course. It was staggering to realise at the end of last term just how many mums had 'worked out' the reading groups and knew exactly which book/level EACH child was on - in a class of 25!

I think I was quite relaxed about development - dd talked early, walked very late and vice versa for ds but I do think that I am a bit of a 'helicopter'. My dd has ASD and really needed someone hovering all the time to steer her through interactions, not so much now but I still will interrupt a conversation with another adult if I recognise that she's losing it a bit. The other person may think me rude or judge my parenting, but they won't (presumably) melt down to the extent that no-one sleeps that night (or if they do, not in my house ). Ds doesn't need this but it's a hard habit to let go of.

"She even takes him into the loo with her."

See, I have spent hours trying to teach my DDs that when I am on the loo is not a time to see Mummy as a captive audience and troll in behind me to have a chat (no locks on the doors as DD2 is likely to lock herself in ). I cannot understand why someone would choose to have company in the bog - though DH can't seem to understand why it is that I don't want all 3 DDs coming to the toilet with me when we are out anywhere either.

My DH's response to all these type of competitive comments was:

"Life is a marathon - not a sprint"

He's right you know.

Oh yes, I've just remembered. He's started to try and wipe her post-wee fanjo for her! Good lord.

Vegasmum - that description of the child at nursery sounds like a Catherine Tate sketch! It also made me cringe in (semi) recognition.....

DH and I played a game of Jenga with DD (then aged 3) about 6 months ago, and ended up with us (for a joke...) doing a 'Daddy is a LOOOOSSSSEEEERR' thing, complete with the fingers held up in a L shape on the forehead. Cue DD then doing this at nursery over every possible thing (who put the coat on last/who could run fastest in the playground/who ate dinner quickest...) I was mortified. Thankfully its stopped now

Or how about 'That is so amazing. I wish my child was as good as yours.' THen just be silent and smile at her.

LOL! DS would try to do that when he was about 2, he was fascinated by toilet use (he was still in nappies) and every time I'd dare to go to the toilet he'd follow me, cut a piece of toilet paper and go "wee-wee, mummy, wee-wee" as he tried to shove it between my legs.

However, I DID NOT find it amusing and made sure he knew it. Definitely didn't brag about it to friends

jenai sorry if I frightened you!

But would you go into a furious paddy with your son's school if he was given some 'reading support' for instance?
I quote her 'he doesn't need extra reading support, I can't believe this, he is a very very good reader.His reading is very advanced.'

It is very hard to answer when she is a primary teacher herself.

I don't think I've ever met any competitive parents in real life, but I do enjoy reading about them on Mumsnet.

I did know one competitive mum but I stopped meeting up with her because it became very dull.

My SiL is obsessed with development charts and is always saying how advanced her DDs are. She even kept some kind of spreadsheet of all the words her DD1 could say when she was learning to talk I find it a bit sad that she didn't seem to be enjoying her DDs development but rather seeing it as a series of triumphs or things to worry about if they were delayed (according to her chart).

"But would you go into a furious paddy with your son's school if he was given some 'reading support' for instance?
I quote her 'he doesn't need extra reading support, I can't believe this, he is a very very good reader.His reading is very advanced.'"

One thing I've observed is that there are two interesting groups of parents when it comes to support. One understands how the system works, realise the benefits of extra tuition and resources, and if their child is showing signs of needing extra help make sure it's delivered. Which is entirely right and proper: it's what the resources are there for. Another regards the suggestion that their child needs extra help as a personal slur, and fights the process. In a school with a wide social spread, the latter group came from every background, while the former group was pretty exclusively middle class.

The upshot was that middle-class kids who looked like they needed a bit of early intervention got it, often informally or at most via school action, and as they had supportive parents and (largely) benign home lives, the chances are that even had they not been helped it would have all worked out OK in the end. And if they turned out to have more serious needs, the pathway to statementing would presumably have been fairly smooth, with the school and parents working together to get the help that was needed.

Meanwhile, other children, some of whom did not have supportive parents (unless you think "are you saying my child is thick?" constitutes support), didn't get the support they needed, and the situation escalated until formal measures were suggested by the school and rejected by the parents. That sort of thing doesn't end well. Somewhat worryingly, statementing (and its friends) seem to have become a stigma amongst some parents, often whose children are in more need of the extra resources than the children of parents who are happy to take what's offered.

Oh I think you should tell us some more stories, Vegasmum! :-)

Oh I LOVE these threads.

More PLEASE!

I was always determined to use the line from "Toddler Taming" where he says that as animals can walk as soon as they are born, early walking is NOT a sign of intelligence, whereas early talking is.

Fly in the ointment - all my DCs walked and talked late.

My daughter was delayed in a lot of things - I just used to say 'Yes, she was very premature.'