To find competitive parents annoying

[Pushmeinthepool]

I mean, what exactly is the point in being all competitive and trying to get oneupmanship on other parents?

I met up with a friend yesterday who has a DS the same age as my DS (13 months). The conversation throughout our meeting was peppered with competitive statements from her about her child.

Things such as:

"Oh, so your DS isn't walking yet?? REALLY? Oh dear. X has been walking for ages"

"I can't believe how happy and easily pleased your DS is to just sit there in the buggy. X is just so advanced, no way would he just be happy sitting there doing nothing. He needs stimulation"

"My DS is talking so well, his understanding is fantastic. I bet you can't wait until your DS is at that level"

Now, just to clarify, apart from walking, our DS's are identical in ability and how they behave. I didn't bother to get defensive and say "Actually he can talk" or whatever, because, really what is the point in even going there? It's fine mentioning these things in conversation but not in a way so as to put the other person down.

I've met so many competitive parents over the years since I had DD1 really and I can never quite understand their mentality.

helicopter parent = parent who constantly hovers

helicopter mum/parent - constantly hovering over child (D'ya geddit? )

Micro manages every bit of child development. Ferries between activities. Supervises all play, constantly monitoring for developmental activity opprtunities.

Also interchangeable with 'martyr mummy' - 'I am sorry, I just don't have a moment' (erm, just put them down?? ) and 'I used to be a very high powered career woman and am now project managing my children' mummy.

i've never heard of that one either

the ones who anxiously hover less than a foot away from their dc at all times, who intervene and interfere with every single interaction or disagreement their dc has with other children. Who won't allow their children to play alone as they have to be involved the whole time or moan their children won't as they've never given them a minute from birth to have any time to themselves (I'm not talking about kids who jst aren't v good at playing alone dd was like this, it's the ones who's parents just won't leave them alone). The ones who scehdule and timetable a vast selection of activities into their dcs waking mhours rather than allowing them to be bored or use their imaginations.

What does 'dux' of the school mean?
I can work it out in context but never heard of it before.

Parents who constantly 'hover' around their children, always have to be involved in everything they are doing. To be directly contrasted with the competitively 'Benignly Neglectful' parent, who is sooo super relaxed that they just sit and drink wine while their children are hanging themselves from a tree playing independently.

Some latin reference (can't remember what.) Refers to being the best/most scholarly. More often used in private/public schools, but probably dying out even there now.

I certainly wasn't dux at Latin then.

(We had a posh Scottish friend who boasted to us that he had been school 'ducks' and we were until he told us it was dux. Leader I think was his translation, ducks sounds more fun.)

notyummy "martyr mummy" I have 2 friends like this, if I go to theirs/they come rond here I literally have to pin them to the sofa/garden chair with a cup of tea/glass of vino to stop them following their dcs around and interfering in their play constantly. I don't take dd rond to theirs for me to have a cuppa and a chat at the same time to follow the dcs round constantly!

They have willing(ish) dhs bt won't leave the dcs with them to do anything for themselves, as no one else is as good as them at looking after them and the dcs might suffer .

All hail Wiki:

'In schools in Scotland, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and Iceland, Dux is a modern title given to the top student in academic and sporting achievement (Dux Litterarum and Dux Ludorum respectively) in each graduating year. In this usage, Dux is similar to the American concept of a valedictorian.'

"there'll always be a couple of silent, rather wan girls, with frumpy clothes and long hair, mother hovering at their shoulder, to whom your heart goes out. You know they're there because their mother didn't make it and harbours dreams, and is driving the length and breadth of the country."

tokyonambu, I briefly worked with a grown-up one of these. She played the cello, to the extent of having gone to music college and studying at degree level, yet when I expressed my envy and admiration she hissed 'I hate the cello!'

She was a very angry woman, very strange.

Psammead, I do think a lot of competitive parenting is down to insecurity. I have a lovely friend who, while never doing down other children, can't seem to help herself bigging up the most random things about her DD. Like, she is always talking up how fussy her DD is about food - 'oh she won't eat that', 'oh no, she can't have that' [imagined intolerance], 'you see, DD would never just sit there and eat substance X like your DS does'.

When she's not around the child will happily shovel in whatever is going. It baffles me that someone would want to create stress for themselves in this way.

Reading your post sounds like something I would write - I had the same problem with a friend of mine who is VERY competitive with her daughter to the point that she insults mine (eg: always commenting on how her head is so big etc - weird!). Here are some examples:

• when they are both wanting to play with a toy she cheers her daughter on to get it off mine
• she boasts how her daughter can crawl so much faster when they are planning on the grass
• she asks me what size nappy mine wears so that she can make sure "her bum isn't smaller"

It is AWFUL so I am really interested in all the tips above.

That being said, sometimes I think we can perceive comments as competitive which aren't. Comments about how your baby is happy in the buggy may just be what it is - that she is noting how he is happy in his buggy. I think we can be overly sensitive as mothers (at least, that is what I tell myself when I come away from another playdate feeling rubbish).

It has made me paranoid too though. My daughter spoke very early but I tried to downplay it in case it came across as competitive or boasting when I talked about it.

Yep, recognise the description Minx. I have to admit, I find it wearing when they come look for sympathy because of exhaustion...because some of it is self-bloody-inflicted! You don't need to be velcroed to your child every moment of the day....and yes, other people who love them can also look after; not just you. If they can't, its probably because you have never let them learn.

Harrumph.

"Also interchangeable with 'martyr mummy'"

The best ones can be seen in shapeless clothes that have seen better decades, with unkempt hair (ideally uncombed, rather than just uncut). They're spending all their money on their children, you see, rather than you who spend it on fripperies.

Interestingly, my daughter went to a residential music course a few weeks ago that was held at a smooth home counties boarding school. The impression I got was that the helicopter parents weren't there, and the wan children they hover over were similarly absent. The whole atmosphere at get-in and get-out was hearty, like a summer camp with more violas - actually, not enough violas: if you want your children to be able to walk into any orchestra they want on the basis of minimal practice, facility and talent, buy them a viola - and my daughter's accounts of it sounded great fun. The music that was produced was really good, but in a slightly ramshackle "we had a lot of fun doing lots of different interesting stuff" way, rather than a "we spent all week obsessively polishing this one piece". I presume that the helicopter parents can't send their children to a one-week residential, as they wouldn't be able to hover, and the helicopter children can go to a one-week residential, as they might have to eat food they don't like / spend time with people they don't know / find their way between buildings / etc.

and the helicopter children can't go...

LOL, well the mum I referred to is definitely a helicopter mum, whilst I am more the "sit back drinking wine" variety...

I find helicopter mums annoying because you just can't have a proper conversation with them; everytime they start a sentence they are distracted and start talking to their child halfway through.

I know one - this is true - her son is 10-ish, has some mild learning delay, is socially incompetent, a 'wrestler' who annoys other boys especially,always grabbing at them and wanting to roll around the floor, cries very very easily, calls a tiny accidental knock 'bullying' etc. (but he is rolling about amongst the furniture so bumps are inevitable).
His mum says he is a genius, a misunderstood genius whose teachers don't appreciate him. Oh, and other boys are jealous of him, that's why they don't want to play with him.
And she is a teacher herself! No kidding.

My friend cannot understand that her DD (my god-daughter) is just a normal kid. No more no less.

To my friend she is an 'indigo' child and here for a reason. Other parents can't see this shit reality and therefore her DD is misunderstood and under appreciated.

[Sits back and waits for the 'Indigo Child' comments]

Ooh I know! The way one of my NCT mums goes on you'd think her child was the Second Coming. Minute detail about his pooh, which animal noises he's doing now, etc etc.

Obviously we all think our own child is the cutest, most interesting, and generally fantastic creature in the universe, but most of us realise that it's only us that thinks so.

She also never says 'no' to said child, now 14 months old, or leaves him alone. She even takes him into the loo with her.

She asked me the other day - after a good half-hour of minute detail about how wonderful her DS is - how I managed to go to the loo alone, and I replied I just left DS in the sitting room with his toys and the gate across the doorway. She seemed incredulous that he didn't smash the TV to pieces to pieces. I couldn't help but smugly say 'Oh, I've just told him 'no' enough times'. She then accused me of boasting about his wonderfulness. Bit rich.

similarly annoying with the helicopter parents though are the parents who sit back drinking their coffee as their little dah-ling beats the crap out of other children, snatches and is generally antisocial. However if another child dares to stand up to the brat and the brat runs to his mummy crying, then the "oh-so-relaxed" parent finds it their job to reprimand the other child or even their parents!

Chaya, I can totally sympathise, I made sure I lost a friend over these, I can't have my child hit/having toys snatched every time we met, while she boasted about how her DD was obviously a "leader" FFS. I know young childre will hit and snatch because they don't know any better, but it's part of parenting to teach them better, no?