To find competitive parents annoying

[Pushmeinthepool]

I mean, what exactly is the point in being all competitive and trying to get oneupmanship on other parents?

I met up with a friend yesterday who has a DS the same age as my DS (13 months). The conversation throughout our meeting was peppered with competitive statements from her about her child.

Things such as:

"Oh, so your DS isn't walking yet?? REALLY? Oh dear. X has been walking for ages"

"I can't believe how happy and easily pleased your DS is to just sit there in the buggy. X is just so advanced, no way would he just be happy sitting there doing nothing. He needs stimulation"

"My DS is talking so well, his understanding is fantastic. I bet you can't wait until your DS is at that level"

Now, just to clarify, apart from walking, our DS's are identical in ability and how they behave. I didn't bother to get defensive and say "Actually he can talk" or whatever, because, really what is the point in even going there? It's fine mentioning these things in conversation but not in a way so as to put the other person down.

I've met so many competitive parents over the years since I had DD1 really and I can never quite understand their mentality.

I have a friend (and she honestly is a dear friend - we just see the world in different ways...) who is constantly 'stimulating' her DCs (downloads 'enrichment' programmes from t'interweb etc.) She is/was a teacher (SAHM) and told me that she feels everyone would judge her if her kids were not the brightest in the class.

The thing is, her children are lovely....but utterly wild. I have sat through dinners where a 3 year old spat out mouthful after mouthful of food, threw a pot of yoghurt at a wall for a laugh and generally acted like a baboon. Now, I know she is 3 - I don't expect her to be making olite conversation and selecting the fish knife - but surely that behaviour needs managing? Apparently not. 'Oh your DD eats so nicely - we've decided to leave that to nursery to sort out. It's all about socialising them isn't it? Did I tell you XXX knows all her letters/sounds and is on book x of Jolly Phonics?'

How you can be competitive about your 3 year old reading, yet let them trash a cafe amd think that manners are for others to teach baffles me!

Luckily we have a mutual (childless) friend who doesn't have my concern about addressing these things and has told her that she is barking

Argh, I know plenty of competitive mums, such as SIL, who loves nothing more than to ask about things she knows my dd haven't yet mastered (because she's already enquired) and she tends to bring them up just as family or friends are gathered for dinner (so very public and social occation - in other words have to be responded to politely). I tend to just say things like 'no she's not potty trained yet but we're happy to wait' and then let my hubby take over with comments such as 'she's still in nappies but her grammar is marvellous and we're putting her down for her A levels next week'. He's got such a cheeky way about delivering such lines that it always takes the edge of things. If only SIL could take the hint which is intended...

Reading about the children wanting to be the winner reminds me that DD (3) has got the phrase 'finisher' from somewhere. At dinner time she says 'I'm going to be the finisher!' I think she means winner, and we let her get on with it (anything to make her eat) but I think it is a good phrase to cultivate, better to be a 'finisher' if you can't be a winner

my 3 year old GS has just progressed from shouting 'I WINNED!' to 'I WON!'

A mere finisher?

Oh well, something to work on....

I blame the game shows, honestly.

lol Bumperlicious, that just makes me think of Mortal Kombat. 'FINISH HIM!'

I say something like "oh yes she is going to university next year" (DD is 2) when I get the competitive talk.

However, I do have to confess that I am not really the best person to ask. I think DD pretty much missed all "classic" milestones - no specific worries mind you, she always got there eventually. SO perhaps I am not bragging because I have not got anything to brag about (except perhaps her fantastic ginger hair!)

YANBU
You need to come up with some creative responses, such as:

"Ah, so your DS isn't walking yet?? REALLY? Oh dear. X has been walking for ages"

Your response: "Well, I'm just so glad we're not living 30 years ago because at least, nowadays, nobody is competitive about whose baby walks first. My Mum tells me that in her day, there were Mums who actually used to brag about their kids walking early. Thank goodness nobody does that these days. I would hate that."

"I can't believe how happy and easily pleased your DS is to just sit there in the buggy. X is just so advanced, no way would he just be happy sitting there doing nothing. He needs stimulation"

Your response: "We're so lucky, DS is so placid and contented. He really is an easy baby, we feel so blessed, because we see so many frentic kids who just never stop. I do pity their parents. Babies who need stimulation all the time must make their awfully worried about ADHD later on. "

"My DS is talking so well, his understanding is fantastic. I bet you can't wait until your DS is at that level"
Your response: "Well, not really, haven't you read the latested cognitive research? There was a long piece in New Scientist a few weeks ago which confirms all the initial findings that babies who talk early tend to be much more susceptible to burn-out by GCSE or A Level. We're relieved our DS is progressing within the norms and much more likely to be a high achiever over the long term. We're actually pretty pleased. I'm surprised you didn't see the piece, it was very widely reported in all the broadsheets" [to ensure she spends days or even weeks googling the elusive "research"]

YANBU there are always one or two people like this and it goes on forever:

Reading
KS1 Sats
KS2 Sats
11 Plus
GCSEs
Degrees
Careers

When we are sixty we will be bumping into them and they will say

"Oh hes a lawyer now you know .. has eight sports cars and a nobel peace prize"

There was a mother in one dds class this week. It was the first day back and she cornered the teacher to tell her how much "brigher her son is than all the others". In front of all the other parents

Bunty my alarm has subsided

No, I've never gone off on one over ds getting extra support. I think last year (Y4) most of the dcs got extra reading help - regardless of whether they needed it to reach whatever level they're meant to be at. Unless of course the teacher just told me that...

Your friend's ds sounds like he might have a touch of dyspraxia. I'm sure she knows this already, but ime teachers don't seem to be anywhere near as aware of it as they are of some other LDs. Fortunately ds's teacher this and last year is a very able and very keen NQT and has taken a real interest.

DD was pretty late to potty train (well, not that late, just turned 3 but later than everyone we know) and I just maintained that she wasn't interested, I wasn't going to force her or spend 2 weeks not leaving the house, and my friends all started giving me subtle advice, or sending me emails about potty training routines, or saying 'oh, I've got a book you can borrow'. FFS I didn't need a book or an email to tell me how to do it! I just needed to wait for the right moment to do it. As it is she is doing really well now, it's been no hassle, and there has been no techniques needed (well, aside from the sticker chart we are using to avoid poos in knickers!).

I don't think I've met any competitive mums. Maybe I have and didn't notice. Weird, because it seems so widespread.

Hang on, maybe I am the competitive one! How do I tell, is there an online test or something?

(I have met several weirdoes mothers who play SN top trumps at every opportunity. Generally I only meet them the once, then hide when I see them coming.)

"There was a mother in one dds class this week. It was the first day back and she cornered the teacher to tell her how much "brigher her son is than all the others"."

My children attend, rather against my better judgement, a selective school that takes a small percentage of those that sit a test of how well you were coached and whether your parents went to university intelligence. I'd have sent them to the local comp, but I didn't want to sleep in the spare room. I gather that one parent is angling for special needs provision on the grounds that her daughter is gifted and talented, and therefore needs extra stimulation. Look, love, it's a pushy grammar school for insecure parents who worry that their little dears might get flattened vowels from the poor children, and every child is going to become a doctor because it's the only job we've heard of reasonably bright which means the school can be lazy develop their talents because the parents are doing all the work at home anyway supportive. They're all going to be, in principle, G&T. What makes you think your child is so special?

When we went to the parents induction evening for DS2's reception class, one of our neighbours (whose DD was starting at the same time) asked the teacher if extra homework could be set for their DD as she was so interested in learning.
As the parent of two DSs, neither child has shown any interest in learning and would probably have been perfectly happy if they'd stayed in playgroup (providing it was with their friends) instead of having to go to school.

we wne ton holiday last year to some child friendly gites in France 6 gites, 6 families with pre schoolers, all lovely apart from competitive family with their miraculous dd. My dd and hers were the same age at the time 2.9, hers cold read apparently, very competently. We returned from a trip out one day and were greeted with "xxxx (her dds name) want to know how to spell yyyyy(my dds name) so she can write it in on her laptop"

I was dying to say (truthfully) that dd of her own volition just from hearing us say it had said "bonjour" and "merci" in a restaurant that lunchtime to a waiter

There's a poisonous, insecure b like this who takes her daughter to the same gymnsastics class as my friend's youngest. She said she knew her child was bound to win a medal but just in cse she didn't, just in case, she hoped friend's daughter didn't either because it would damage her own child's self esteem especially if the child took the medal to show and tell at school! Despite mother on her toes at teh sidelines shouting instructions the little darling didn't win a medal, friend's daughter did. Woman hovered at gates after school next day and grilled friend's child who'd forgotten about the whole thing. Friend was gobsmacked.

When DS was in Reception I was told by 3 different sets of parents that of course their child would be attending "X", a super selective London grammar school, for secondary as they were clearly "exceptional". Since then, these same sets of parents approach the new teacher at the beginning of each school year to explain how their children require extra stimulation because of their "exceptional intelligence". How do I know this? Because they are keen to tell all who will listen. Very difficult to keep a straight face. OP, don't get upset - enjoy!

omg i have loved reading this thread :o ...i have spotted so many parents i know described on here.....

and have gleaned from it that i am a lazy benignly-neglectul, un-competitive parent :o

Hoopyfrudedude - you forgot to mention the colour of brick from which the university is built. It's only proper if it's 'red' IIRC

Am dreading when all the children in my mother and baby groups start talking. I KNOW DD will be a late talker and I KNOW that people will be telling us off for delaying her progress by 'making' her learn two languages (DH and I are from different countries, we're not just poncetastic). I am already building up my stock of replies.

"Had really depressing experience earlier this summer of having lunch with load of ex Oxbridge parents, all of whom absolutely convinced their darlings would go there. Even worse, kids were too."

Even worse, the odds are that they're right.

"you forgot to mention the colour of brick from which the university is built. It's only proper if it's 'red' IIRC "

Redbrick? How vulgar.

When parents are bragging about heir DCs 'achievements', always smile and say
"well, that must be a relief to you"..

Get better friends is good advice..