To find competitive parents annoying

[Pushmeinthepool]

I mean, what exactly is the point in being all competitive and trying to get oneupmanship on other parents?

I met up with a friend yesterday who has a DS the same age as my DS (13 months). The conversation throughout our meeting was peppered with competitive statements from her about her child.

Things such as:

"Oh, so your DS isn't walking yet?? REALLY? Oh dear. X has been walking for ages"

"I can't believe how happy and easily pleased your DS is to just sit there in the buggy. X is just so advanced, no way would he just be happy sitting there doing nothing. He needs stimulation"

"My DS is talking so well, his understanding is fantastic. I bet you can't wait until your DS is at that level"

Now, just to clarify, apart from walking, our DS's are identical in ability and how they behave. I didn't bother to get defensive and say "Actually he can talk" or whatever, because, really what is the point in even going there? It's fine mentioning these things in conversation but not in a way so as to put the other person down.

I've met so many competitive parents over the years since I had DD1 really and I can never quite understand their mentality.

I hear you Miggsie.
They never say their kids had a fab time, or are loving this and that...it's always how well they do.

DS was early to do physical things, whilst all the other little babies his age were happily lying still on their backs (unable to turn over yet) my DS wouldnt stay still he would flip over and try to move towards the doll. It embarrassed me more than anything!
But on the other hand he didnt talk until he was 2 and a half.

Some of the responses on here are brilliant.

We often hear people going on and on about how advanced their child is (work in a toy shop) You would think I live in a town of genius' the way some people talk. I usually just smile knowlingly and agree. The funniest one was somebody wanting a toy that could teach their newborn to read. Well she did say "learn her child to read" but that is a whole other thread!

Also, I find that it is not too "hard" to train toddlers to recognise letters, numbers, colours, say certai words whatever if you have the patience ot repeat the same things millions of times - it's just parroting though, they do not really "know" if you know what I mean.

or perhaps I am just a bit of a lazy slattern mummy who prefers to let DD run around in the garden/park... Baaaaad mummy...

What do you do with competitive grandparents though?

My mother couldn't give a rat's about DS (2 1/2) but she thinks that the sun shines out of DD's (4) backside. She does normal 4-year-old stuff and my mum makes a song and a dance about how clever she is and how advanced for her age. Apart from the fact that it's annoying all on it's own, I don't want DD to actually believe that she's some sort of genious and more clever than her friends. Talking to my mum doesn't help because she thinks that we try to put DD down and thank goodness she's around to boost DD's self esteem!!!!

Argh!

My SIL prepared me for it but I didn't expect it would start immediately when half my fanjita was still hanging out.

• Baby's birth weight "HOW big? I knew you would have a big baby just by looking at you" (I actually lost 2 stone through HG)
• Gestation "HOW far over did you go? MY GOD"
• Birth method "FORCEPS? Oh so you didn't manage naturally then"

From then on I was ready for them and I really couldn't give a kick up the arse! My DD isn't yet speaking fluent arabic whilst playing a violin concerto at the proms but I don't think I could love her more.

my friend is a little like this with her DD - she spends all the time telling me how bright/clever/gifted/intelligent/borderline genius her 11 month old DD is because she has learnt one baby sign language sign after several weeks of classes ('oh, she's just so quick kveta!'). So I was quite pleased when my pretty average/normal 11 month old nicked a ball from her DD and started throwing it to me, and the HV gasped and went 'oh, he's so ADVANCED!'. To which my stock response is 'maybe physically, but he's still incapable of sleeping'. (another response is 'I'd prefer him to sit still occasionally to be honest') my friend then started gasping that her DD was nearly walking, wasn't she CLEVER, so I just left her to it.

I think I sometimes come across as a bit smug though - but it's not so much competition, as 'is my DS normal?'. I have no frame of reference whatsoever for baby development, so walking at 9 months seems early to me, but I've no idea if it actually is (well, I do know now that it's normal - but didn't when he did it), and I'm not sure if he should be talking/following directions/using a shape sorter as something other than a weapon at his age, so it's good to hear what other babies his age are up to. I'm trying to tone down the 'LOOK AT WHAT MY BABY CAN DO!!!' when talking to anyone other than DH though :o

haha, how true. My DD was tiny and I found parents of large newborns boasting about their weight, as if it some sort of personal achievement or has any bearings on...well... anything really (unless we're talking about clinicaly underweight or overweight babies, which I'm not)

Yep, come across a few of them over the last few years and they are all, without exception, imbeciles. My personal favourite was 'yes little johnny is so intelligent and so much more able than his peers. That's why he needs stimulation constantly and why his behaviour appears to be to challenging sometimes. People just don't 'get' him you know.' This gem came about two seconds before little johnny came charging over and kicked said dellusional proud mummy directly in the shin.

yanbu. being proud of your children is good, the problem lies when people are so insecure or selfish that they want to put your child down by comparison! I would refuse to engage, and use one of the "bland" responses suggested by Litchick and others. I find that people with more than one kid tend to be less prone to this - as time and experience mellow them!

"My friend said that she was sure her dc had such great speech because she always talked to them properly, no baby talk "

All mine had speech therapy and I always blamed myself because I am rubbish at baby talk and just talked to them properly.

All my DCs were late in achieving milestones as babies. I never had anything - not a single thing! - to brag about. EVERY other baby did things before them. Youngest is only 3 so too early to tell but other two are doing very well at school.

DS was a child who would not be happy sitting quietly anywhere watching anything.

It was not something I boasted about. Wept gently into my gin over, perhaps...

I would love my DS to sit there for a while without wandering away and me having to chase him back, yet again!!!

I hate this competitive thing too. I will be a very ignorant mother at the school gates if the whole "what books are your child on" starts.

I had a mother telling me I was a wimp the other week for being in loads of pain and not being able to sit properly after a 3rd degree tear and forceps birth. She had a c section and was up ironing and cooking the day after she got home. It has put me off her a bit tbh.

If she exclaims that he's not doing something yet, just say, 'no, he's too busy negotiating peace in the Middle East and discovering a cure for AIDS'

That should embarrass her into shutting up.

Miggsie, that is so, so true. Competitive parents tend to place emphasis on physical developments and academic skills

detectiv potato, that's awful! I hope that once you're feeling better you kick her hard in the shin.

LOL Megatron; I used to know another competitive mum when DD1 was little. Her DD was quite unpopular at school because she was spiteful, but apparently this was because she was "A very clever, imaginative child and no one really gets her"

It does make me laugh how competitive parents manage to twist every single bloody thing their child does into yet another reason that they are a genius.

Think of every encounter with this woman as a tale you can tell on MN! Look at it as an opportunity

The baby weight ones are funny. I was the first of most of my friends to have a baby, now DD is 3, so when they say 'XXX was weighed last week and she's 11lb5oz!' and I just look like this because it really means nothing to me, even when DD was a baby I can't remember obsessing over her weight, not sure what % of weight she lost or anything like that, it just really didn't mean anything to me and does even less so now! But when they say that I'm meant to say 'wow' or something.

It is hard when you have your first and you don't have a frame of reference, so perhaps some competitiveness is actually people just testing the waters.

I might have said something like 'I can't believe how happy and easily pleased your DS is to just sit there in the buggy' but I would genuinely be jealous

Talk of advancement and cleverness should be kept to the grandparents. My mum and MIL are convinced of DD's genius, I feel like I have to correct them when they tell me just how advanced and bright she is , they would say that.

I hate competitive parenting.

I just look at it as some children develop differently to others and each child has their weaknesses and strengths. I know pointless post but there you go.

at responses from colditz and prozacfairy - i wish i was at the school gate with you two!!

pushme - it does get worse - it may be worth learning the 'anything you can do ... ' tune

i've stopped talking to people who are overly competitive as parents - i don't think there's anything worng with competition per se, where i think it goes wrong, is when people take thigns to far and start denigrating other people's children.

This has been going on forever :)

My mum had a lowly job in better off bit of town where the parents were ultra competitive. The mums would come in the door and whilst their little brats were trashing the place (don't do that Darling), would proceed to tell her how wonderful their child's development was. Ones with older kids always claimed their child was so bright and hard working - " I don't like to boast but they are dux of the school you know".

If my mum had a £ for every dux of the school she would have been a lot better paid in her job ;)

OTOH as a result she refused ever to talk about her own kids achievements. Go on mum, you could have boasted a little, even once.

Your friend sounds intolerable!

I have to say - I have never had a 'competitive parenting' conversation with anyone. None of my friends or any of the people I know are like this. Maybe I am just lucky.

YANBU, even worse are the ones who pretend not to be and act all sort of flippant and casual bt they secretly ARE competitive and you can see this in their uber mummy esque behaviour which they try and fail to be covert about. yo know the ones the little "casual" statements they throw into the conversation. the barely concealed fanaticism in their eyes, does my head in.

I'm just straight about it. ie yes dd is a good talker and has been from v young, just how it is, but she didn't walk til 17m. Opposite with ds walking at 11m but still babyish babble (i'm aware this is prob normal but all i have to compare to is dd who had several words by this age). Not going to apologise for it bt neither will i brag or compare to other peoples dcs.

More irritating for me tho than alpha mums are helicopters (often the 2 come together), this seriously stresses me out and me and dh don't see so much of parents who used to be good friends before they were parents if they do the helicopter bit it as we find it so stressful, irritating and boring. There's not much more likely to cause a split in a friendship than vastly differing styles ime.

What's a helicopter mum?