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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be gutted that DP is not taking the morning off work to come with me to take DS to his first day at school?

164 replies

superv1xen · 30/08/2010 19:46

actually i am not just gutted, i am angry and disappointed.

DS is 4 and is from a previous relationship. he starts full time school this thursday and DP is not coming with us. its a really special day for DS, and for me, and i am frankly devastated that he doesn't feel its important to come with us. i think it is a really momentous, special occasion for a family when a child starts school and he just does not seem to give a shit about it. all he needs to do is go in work a bit late, just to see DS go in, he is the boss so he doesnt even need to ask.

he has said he doesnt want to "waste" a days holiday - ( "WASTE" ffs Biscuit ) - well he doesnt even need to have the whole day off as i said, just go in a bit late.

i am seriously that angry right now i feel sick :(

OP posts:
mellifluouscauliflower · 31/08/2010 22:38

Give him the benefit of the doubt as to his reasons. He might not want to go because he has seen it before and knows there will be blubbing. Maybe he thinks he might blub himself?

biffandchip · 01/09/2010 00:22

YANBU

Just13moreyearstogo · 01/09/2010 00:52

My DH is a very involved dad, but he is the breadwinner and has never taken time off so we can both be there on the first day of school for any of our 3 children. Personally, I think it's worth NOT making a huge deal out of these events by both turning up looking anxious or expectant - it risks putting a bit too much pressure on the child IMO.

Ariesgirl · 01/09/2010 01:06

Blimey. Well I don't want to sound ancient, but when I started school, my parents wanted as little fuss as possible so my mu left me in the classroom after making sure I was fine and my dad went to work as normal.

YAB a little U.

Kewcumber · 01/09/2010 02:05

'but he is never going to love him as much as he does her; i know i couldnt love a non-bio child (ie stepchild) as much as i do my bio kids.' - doesn't that depend how long he has (in effect) been his father? I adopted DS aged 1 and I know I couldn't love a bio child as much as I love my non-bio child.

But others posters are right - it isn't whether he loves him as much but whether he is prepared to treat them the same. Tell him the deal is the same for both and that whatever he chooses to do for DS will set the precedent for DD. Then stick to it with everything. Your DS shouldn;t look back and realise that he was treated differently all the same.

You cannot make someone love any child to order, but if he is to be part of the nuclear family then he must behave appropriately.

PadmeHum · 01/09/2010 04:37

YANBU.

I would be furious with my partner, given the same set of circumstances.

Just a thought though - have you actually told your partner how you feel? If you calmly tell him how important it is to you, you might be surprised by his reaction.

Perhaps you should talk to him?

FWIW - my lovely DH is inherently a bit "old school" about these things. Sometimes I have to point out the importance of things to him and when I do, it's like a lightbulb goes off. He never had a Dad, so he didn't have a great role model in this regard.

YunoYurbubson · 01/09/2010 05:32

YABU about the school thing on the surface of it. Am completely bemused by the idea of two adutls standing dopily around, waving their child tearfully off to do a couple of hours of painting, gluing and sticking.

YANBU about your idiot dp telling you that he doesn't want to go to ds's first day but will want to go to dd's. Somebody give that man a clue.

  1. He doesn't have to love ds as much as dd (or, well, he can love them in different ways if that is what comes naturally to him.
  2. He DOES have to treat them the same. He is the father figure in the lives of two small children. How does he think it is okay to give one of them preferencial treatment?
  3. And at what point did he think it would be helpful to tell you the above, especially given that you're already completely ott about a school drop off? A little tact, support and diplomacy would have been nice.
FattyArbuckel · 01/09/2010 07:14

Dp took dd in whilst I was at work bcause I though I might cry and upset dd!

6 years on i have no regrets about not taking her myself.

I think it is common to take a photo of your child on the first day but unusual for both parents to take them to school together.

Why not all go out for dinner afterwards to celebrate instead?

MmeBlueberry · 01/09/2010 07:15

I agree with your DP supervixen. It is a waste of a day's holiday and a total anticlimax.

upahill · 01/09/2010 08:20

I can see it from both sides tbh.
DH took time off for their first day at Nursery and primary and goes to every sports day,parents event, BBQ etc

By the time we had walked home from school on the first day and DH got to work he was only about 15 mins later than normal to work and that was because he had a quick brew when he got back!
The children were taken into school, we waved and erm.... that was it!!

If your DP has the same attitude with your DD then fair enough but it would be a bit unfair to say no to your DS but go to school with DD.
I would say something like 'Are you going to take DD to school on her first day or is that going to be a waste of time as well?'

TheBolter · 01/09/2010 09:04

These are my thoughts:

  1. You have a dp who is really really fond of your son, who tries his best to love as his own, and has been there for most of your ds's life. Yet you have issues about whether he loves your son 'enough'. You can't force feelings, they take time to develop. I remember feeling guilty that I didn't love my dn 'enough' but a year later I really am starting to have strong loving feelings for her. It just takes time, and the more forced it feels, the less true it feels.
  1. You have a dd who your dp is probably besotted about (of course he is, it's his first child and a miracle to him!) and who your dp probably feels he has to guard against showing 'too much' love towards (which is sad).
  1. First days of school are really to be kept as calm and light as possible. Nothing wrong in talking happily about it beforehand and taking a couple of photos, but really not a big deal. They do half days at most schools anyway and your little darling will be back home before you know it!
  1. My dh couldn't be a more devoted, loving dad to our two dds, he's self-employed, and he works locally, but he wouldn't take time off to wave dd1 off, and he won't be there on Monday for dd2's first day. But I'm fine with that because I know it has nothing to do with how much he loves them, he's just being blokey and practical. I will be more stressed about the fact it's my first day back to work that day and 'is the childcare sorted out for her pick up at lunchtime'!
  1. (Prepares for a flaming) I actually think it looks a bit uncool having two parents there. Just relax and enjoy the moment! Grin
2rebecca · 01/09/2010 09:08

YABU. Never occured to me that this was something you took time off work for as long as 1 parent could go. Surely it will make going to school worse if you think dad is having a holiday today and everyone else is at home having fun.

To my kids school was just an extension of nursery (called preschool in England, we're in Scotland) and part of the same building complex. It was even mornings only for the first few weeks.
Very untraumatic for everyone.
Some mums seem to want starting school to be melodramatic.

BarmyArmy · 01/09/2010 09:11

YABU and need to have a quiet word with yourself.

You are getting upset over this because of deeper fears you have over his relationship with his step-child.

You should try to chill out and not make this into such a big deal.

Easier said than done, I know...but nevertheless it is YOU that it upsetting yourself here.

2rebecca · 01/09/2010 09:19

I agree he shouldn't have said that he'd go if his daughter but not for your son, but it does sound as though the poor bloke maybe has to guard against showing too much love for his daughter in case it's seen as favouritism. It's easy for you. They're both your kids, they aren't both his.

It's a shame your son's father isn't more involved as that might remind you that your husband isn't his father and I think for many stepparents it is hard when the bio parent is absent and you get pushed into a parenting role.

I don't expect my husband to love my kids the way he does his. They have a dad to love them like a dad. It's not your husband's fault you didn't choose a good bloke to be your son's dad.

I don't recall any kids having 2 parents there when mine started school, but they did just wave me off and vanish.

gagamama · 01/09/2010 09:30

YABU, DP won't be taking DS1 to school on his first day on Monday - it'll just be a normal school run day, except instead of coming back with 3, I'll only come back with 2!

Of course there will be photos (if there's time) of DS in his brand new uniform, but I don't want to freak him out or set a ridiculous precedent.

I can remember my first day at school and my grandparents came over (I don't think they came to school, I think they were just looking after my brother so my mum could come into the classroom and fuss make sure I was settled). It felt like Christmas or something. Needless to say, I was disappointed the next day when I had to do it all again without the fanfare!

dinkystinky · 01/09/2010 09:33

Superv1xen - I remember previous posts of yours (the nappy incident post really stuck in my brain) about your DP and your DS and I think your anger and upset is all down to a much bigger issue: the fact that your DP seems to treat DS different to his biological child, DD, and doesnt afford him the same treatment as her. I think what an earlier poster said, about telling DP that how he treats DS should set the precedent for how he treats DD, is an excellent idea - you have to nip this in the bud now, and get DP to realise that DS is everybit as important a part of your family as you, DP or DD, as otherwise your poor DS is going to have a lot of upset and disappointment stored up for him in the future from his step dad.

Greenwing · 01/09/2010 10:00

Being there on the first day of school is no big deal but how you feel about it is a very, very big deal. This event (which most posters agree is nothing to get worked up about) could become a thorn in the side of your relationship. You seem sensitive about it because your DS is from a previous relationship and you are protective of him. You sound jealous that your DP would come to DD's first day. That is the issue you need to address together and which you need to deal with for all your sakes.

We did photos in school uniform with lunch box and book bag in hand on the front door step. DH a teacher so no chance of him being there. We bought ours a present to unwrap at the end of the day - a plastic lion for one and a spiderman dressing up suit for another!

Hope DS has a wonderful day. Good luck

weegiemum · 01/09/2010 10:02

I haven't read the whole thread, but on my children's first day at school they got on the bus that came for them.

They got on fine, I picked them up at lunchtime.

Needing 2 parents there is way OTT. Mine just got on, like all the other kids who need bus transport, and were totally fine!

Shaz10 · 01/09/2010 10:06

You should read the whole thread really. It's not about that any more.

Morloth · 01/09/2010 10:12

He can't help that he loves his DD more but he can ensure that DS and DD never know that by treating them equally. (He won't be doing DD any favours by treating her "better", sounds like a great way to crete seething resentment etc)

So if he is intending to be at DD's first day then I would go ahead and insist that he is there for DS's and put a brave face on it for your DS's sake.

Much bigger issues of course, I think you guys really need to talk this out.

weegiemum · 01/09/2010 10:21

Ok have now read the whole thread.

Can't remember who it was, but some one said :

"It is completely normal to be very emotional about your child starting school for the first time, and to feel a bit hysterical and upset and even scared. Tearfulness is also par for the course. I think you are full of emotion, end of an era and all that, don't know what to do with all your anxiety"

Really?????

I didn't feel like this. It never occured to me that I should! I also know no-one who has felt like this!!! All my children go to a school with predominantly bus transport. We are advised on the first day to put our children on the bus as will happen every other day. This was done with ceremony and a lot of waving off, but all my children arrived at school on the first day on their on and had a great time!!

I wasn't tearful, anxious, full of emotion, hysterical, upset, scared. This is NOT normal!

Other people have talked about 'tea and tissue' sessions in the school following drop off. WTF? Drop your dc off, go home or go to work! It's just starting school!!

I have 3 dc now in p6, 4 and 3 and they have all handled starting school as no big deal. It is only as big a deal as you make it!

rubyrubyruby · 01/09/2010 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

weegiemum · 01/09/2010 10:26

Seriously - normal to be hysterical when your child starts school?

I admit I was a little emotional about them moving on to the "next stage" in life, but hysterical? Give me strength!!!

rubyrubyruby · 01/09/2010 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 01/09/2010 10:33

We weren't at all hysterical. We both worked part time though. Maybe the SAHMs get hysterical more as it's a major life event for them as much as their kids.
If kids have been to nursery/preschool though I'm surprised so many mums find school so different.