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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be gutted that DP is not taking the morning off work to come with me to take DS to his first day at school?

164 replies

superv1xen · 30/08/2010 19:46

actually i am not just gutted, i am angry and disappointed.

DS is 4 and is from a previous relationship. he starts full time school this thursday and DP is not coming with us. its a really special day for DS, and for me, and i am frankly devastated that he doesn't feel its important to come with us. i think it is a really momentous, special occasion for a family when a child starts school and he just does not seem to give a shit about it. all he needs to do is go in work a bit late, just to see DS go in, he is the boss so he doesnt even need to ask.

he has said he doesnt want to "waste" a days holiday - ( "WASTE" ffs Biscuit ) - well he doesnt even need to have the whole day off as i said, just go in a bit late.

i am seriously that angry right now i feel sick :(

OP posts:
tribpot · 30/08/2010 20:21

I will say there's something to be said for the 'make it a normal event' argument - it was entirely normal for ds that both me and dh would be involved in the drop-off so that wasn't an issue for us. Lots of dads there on the first day, though, and indeed subsequently. To the point where I've often wondered (rather unfairly given I am the ft WOH parent) what the dads do that enables them to be at the drop-off so frequently.

forehead · 30/08/2010 20:23

Op,
i think the REAL problem is that you think that your dp does not love your ds as much your ds
because he is not the father of your ds. You feel therefore that he has little interest in your ds's first day at school and that he would be different if it had been your dd's first day. If this is the case then yanbu.
FWIW- i think too many oarents make a big deal out of the first day. The best thing is to simply drop the child at school and leave immediately, therefore ensuring that the child settles into school.

ColdComfortFarm · 30/08/2010 20:24

It is completely normal to be very emotional about your child starting school for the first time, and to feel a bit hysterical and upset and even scared. Tearfulness is also par for the course. I think you are full of emotion, end of an era and all that, don't know what to do with all your anxiety, and are so taking it out on your poor partner! Try to relax. By the time your dd starts school it won't be nearly such a big deal, and by the time you've sent off three, well, you might well be skipping down the street with you. These days I gleefully plan what I'll treat myself to once I've left all the kids at school!

backwardpossom · 30/08/2010 20:26

Crikey, I don't even know if I'll get to take my son to school on his first day, nevermind my husband...?!

I don't see it as that big a deal, tbh - but that may be because my DS will have been going to nursery for 2 years in the same building previously.

On balance, I'd say there are other issues here, not just whether he can make it to your DS's first day at school.

kildare34 · 30/08/2010 20:28

Good post forehead Smile

sleepingsowell · 30/08/2010 20:30

I agree with forehead that perhaps you have this heightened emotional response to it is that you are imposing other stuff on top of it eg his feelings and acceptance of your son and whether he will treat him differently etc.

On DS's first day, I took him without DH and to be honest I don't think there were more than one or two couples together. Personally I think for many children, school is scary, and they are anxious and it's hard enough to seperate from one parent, let alone two. It was certainly much easier for DS to just have one of us there and it would have been purely selfish for both me and DH to be there because DS would have found it harder not easier.

FWIW I do think you are being over the top about this. I'd try to calm down about it pronto before your DS senses any of your anger about the day, kids are SO sensitive to atmospheres even when we think we are keeping everything hidden!

Perhaps try to look at the positive; this is YOUR time with DS, your special time to wave him off to a new chapter, having worked so hard to be a loving mum to him and bring him to this point; no partners required to muscle in on the day!

Cretaceous · 30/08/2010 20:34

Agree with forehead.

The time to be upset is if he turns up complete with large handkerchief when it's DD's first day at school.

pulapula · 30/08/2010 20:38

I feel a bit Blush that i can't remember who took DD to school on her first day, and it was only a year ago Blush Blush. I know DH did the 2 taster sessions on his own. Although it's a big milestone, I don't think it means that both parents need to be there. DH could help DS get ready, take photos etc and you can do the actual drop-off. I must admit I wanted DH to come with me to parents evening, and i think most children had both parents there.

If you have underlying issues that your DP treats your DS and DD differently as he is not DSs biological father then you should have a heart-to-heart about this.

dobbyssocks · 30/08/2010 20:38

I think forehead has it spot on.

FWIW I'm trying to keep things as low key as possible when my ds starts on Wed, I think a whole family fanfare waving him off is likely to upset him (and he is very excited to be going but its bound to be a bit emotional). Think I eased dh's guilt about not coming by telling him that I didn't think it would be a good idea if he did anyway Smile

OracleOfDelphinium · 30/08/2010 20:42

Agree with forehead. I'd have thought my DH had lost the plot if he'd suddenly decided to accompany the children and me to school on their first days. Low key is definitely the way to go.

zapostrophe · 30/08/2010 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

deakell · 30/08/2010 20:47

"i dont want him to do it under duress, i want him to do it coz he wants to"

Well then you've already lost because he doesn't want to do it! If he does do it now, it will be because you've pressured him into it. So you both end up feeling like shit.

You're there for about 10 seconds, my DS school actively discouraged parents from staying for obvious reasons so as long as he's there in the morning for breakfast and sees him in his school uniform, what's the big deal.

Also what's your DD got to do with it? You sound a little bit bitter about this to be honest, yes he is your son's STEPDAD rather than DAD. That's not his fault is it!

greentriangle · 30/08/2010 20:55

Difficult.

My DS is also starting school, I will take him and drop him whilst DH is at work. Never considered taking DH as well, he never considered coming. Fine for all.

However, you do have a big problem if your DP wants to see his biological child in with both parents on her first day in future but doesn't want to do the same for his stepchild.

Personally, I would expect that he wouldn't accompany either of them if he is working.

DinahRod · 30/08/2010 20:55

How about one day after school dh picks him up when he's not got a lot on? It will be a nice surprise for ds.

Don't overthink this one because dh is a sf.

Dh didn't go in late to work for ds' first day, and only because the school thoughtfully chose a day I don't work as ds' start day, did I go with him on his first day.

Dh has made no mention of dd2 starting at the end of the week!

laquitar · 30/08/2010 21:12

Plenty more 'important' days will come. i.e. school play, sports day, special perfomances if your dcs do after school activities etc. I would rather take day off for one of those ocassions.

Eskarina · 30/08/2010 22:00

As a recipient of children on their first day at school (school nursery teacher), the less fuss which is made, the better. Children know it's a big deal, they're excited and nervous anyway. The children who are being made a huge fuss of with parents, grandparents, uncle tom cobbley and all find it much harder to make the break and come in.

legoStuckinmyhoover · 30/08/2010 22:14

I can see how you are disapointed, but I actually think you are really lucky to be able to even take your child to school yourself!
I had to miss my ds first day at school as I was in hosp and this time round with my second child, I cannot get time off work Sad. Just take pleasure in it for yourself and your child!

Snobear4000 · 30/08/2010 22:18

YABU and a loon. Someone has to go to work to pay for the school shoes and blazer.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/08/2010 22:21

sorrento - does your DH get loads of holiday? Because if DH took all those half days etc then we would never have any time off as a family to actually be 'on holiday', as opposed to just doing day to day things.

Heracles · 31/08/2010 02:35

Christ, the kid's only going to school, nor serving overseas...

kittywise · 31/08/2010 07:23

So OP, hope you've calmed down now and have realised that it's no biggie.Smile

mummytime · 31/08/2010 07:28

My DH father of my 3 didn't go in late or take the day off for any of their first days. He also hasn't taken time off work to attend sports days.

He has made an effort for Christmas plays, and parents evenings where I really needed the support. Ones where they are just going to say everything is fine; I let him off, as I would rather he babysat, or earnt money. Dealing with difficult teachers he backs me up fully.

You need to be realistic here. Please don't build the first day into too big an issue.

savoycabbage · 31/08/2010 07:39

YABU. He's not going off to Iraq. At our school we had a champagne thing in the library after we dropped them off. It was great but nobody had two parents there.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 31/08/2010 07:43

Are most women working by the time their child is 5? Most women I know do.

In which case, why is it so usual that the father can't get time off work to see their child off? Why not the mother, ever? I mean, are you lot taking time off/rearranging to see your child off on their first day?

I agree it doesn't take two. not sure why it's always the mum.

domesticsluttery · 31/08/2010 07:43

YAB a bit U.

A friend of mine was telling me at the weekend that both her and her DH will be taking their DD to school on her first day. I couldn't understand the fuss TBH. My 3rd DC started school after Easter and I took her by myself, just the same as I took the other two when they started. DH leaves for work at 7am so he didn't even see them dressed in their uniforms. IMO it didn't make him any less of a dad!

I think the real issue is that you think he doesn't think of him as "his" child. Well reat assured that plenty of biological fathers, who are very caring and involved, don't take their DC to school on the first day, and it is no big deal.

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