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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be gutted that DP is not taking the morning off work to come with me to take DS to his first day at school?

164 replies

superv1xen · 30/08/2010 19:46

actually i am not just gutted, i am angry and disappointed.

DS is 4 and is from a previous relationship. he starts full time school this thursday and DP is not coming with us. its a really special day for DS, and for me, and i am frankly devastated that he doesn't feel its important to come with us. i think it is a really momentous, special occasion for a family when a child starts school and he just does not seem to give a shit about it. all he needs to do is go in work a bit late, just to see DS go in, he is the boss so he doesnt even need to ask.

he has said he doesnt want to "waste" a days holiday - ( "WASTE" ffs Biscuit ) - well he doesnt even need to have the whole day off as i said, just go in a bit late.

i am seriously that angry right now i feel sick :(

OP posts:
Rocky12 · 31/08/2010 10:42

This might not be what you want to hear but I think this 'first day at school' is a womans thing. Having gone through this twice my DH did come to both as did a few other partners but I got the impression they felt really uncomfortable (as in the couple of men who were sitting behind me at the cinema watching Sex in the City with their partners).

I just dont think they see it as something THEY need to attend. You will be there fussing around (and I mean that in a kind way), wanting to make sure all is OK, being a bit tearful and the like. Men just dont get that..

loobylu3 · 31/08/2010 11:01

I think there are other issues here.

YABU in expecting your partner to take the day off work without even asking him Hmm. Is he a mind reader?

I don't think it's necessary to make such a big thing about the child's first day at school and may only serve to make him/ her more upset if mummy and daddy are there.

This seems to be more about your DHs relationship with his stepson vs his relationship with his own biological DD.

A lot of fathers seem to work far more flexibly nowadays and be able to attend school events/ help with picking up the children, etc. However, not everyone is fortunate enough to have a job like this!

Dartsissolastseason · 31/08/2010 12:19

On my son's first day at school, he went with his older sister to the breakfast club, so I didn't get to see him off. I am not fussed about this, as I felt that low-key was better.

And like DP, I do not have a great deal of flexibility in getting time off, although we do go together for the parent's evenings. DP in particular has a fairly tight rota.

I get to do sports day and assemblies, etc. (but then, I'm there in the capacity of school governor as well).

Onetoomanycornettos · 31/08/2010 12:28

I think you are reading this as a 'sign' about the state of the step-relationship which it simply doesn't have to be.

I'm not taking my DD2 for her first day this week. I would have liked to, but I'm speaking somewhere on that day. Her dad will do a great job. I will feel a pang at ten to nine, and will be dying to hear all about it, but I don't think you have to make a Very Big Deal out of starting school and it doesn't make him a Bad (Step)-Dad for not attending. Surely most children don't have both parents there?

MrsFC · 31/08/2010 12:37

I was a single parent when DS started school & couldn't take the day off. DS went in with CM. He didn't seem at all bothered.

YABU.

Original poster
superv1xen · 31/08/2010 16:14

i had a go at spoke to DP about this earlier and he said he would come with me if thats what i really wanted, to which i replied that i didnt want him to come if he was only doing it for me.

he also said that he will want to go when DD starts school. which clearly tells me that the reason he is not that bothered is because DS is not his.

Hmm
OP posts:
laurely · 31/08/2010 16:18

Oh thats not nice that he will go for DD but not DS. I would be hurt as well tbh.

MNTotoro · 31/08/2010 16:26

In light of the post you just made, then YANLBU (you are no longer being unreasonable), contrary to my previous post of YABU.

Your DH is being a twat.

sorrento56 · 31/08/2010 16:39

Going for his child and not yours is a deal breaker for me as it is clear he will not treat them the same as they grow up. SadAngry

Original poster
superv1xen · 31/08/2010 17:17

:(

i am so sad. i dont know what to do.

the thing is, as i said, he says he will take the time off to come with us, (he has got to take half a day as he works an hour away from home and is meant to start at 7.30 so realistically he will not get to work until half ten, 11am).... but he made it clear he was not at all bothered about coming and if he comes i will just keep thinking "well he doesnt even want to be here and is resentful of having to use holiday" it will ruin the special day for me. in fact, fuck it its already been ruined before its even happened.

OP posts:
sorrento56 · 31/08/2010 17:28
Sad

Have you asked him why he thinks it is okay to go to his dd's first day but not your ds'.

Onetoomanycornettos · 31/08/2010 17:34

This sounds so much more complex than about the first day of school. I can't imagine this is the first time you've come up against this issue of him not being enthusiastic for your son and not your daughter. I'd try to downplay the first day and who goes for your son's sake, and I wouldn't make your husband go if it's going to add on a whole load of stress onto you and getting you upset over this. However, perhaps the time he saves by not coming could be spend having a frank chat about unequal treatment of the children.

Original poster
superv1xen · 31/08/2010 18:13

but he is never going to love him as much as he does her; i know i couldnt love a non-bio child (ie stepchild) as much as i do my bio kids.

OP posts:
Lemonstartree · 31/08/2010 19:00

YABU. and a bit OTT. he probably does love your ds as much as dd - after all he has known him since he was a tiny baby

Rocky12 · 31/08/2010 19:02

Super, I think in your last post you have said it... You couldnt love a non-bio child as much but you are expecting so much of him tbh. A friend of mine adopted a child a couple of years ago. Just before the adoption she asked her FIL whether he would love the child as much as his existing grandchild. His answer was that he didnt know, he felt it wasnt the same as his own bio grandchild. An honest answer but she didnt then speak to him for nearly a year. In these times of divorce, separation, new partners, step children etc are we really expecting too much.

I do not have any step children and neither does DH, if I am really really honest I wouldnt feel the same way as I do about my own children.

Squitten · 31/08/2010 19:08

I was going to say that YABU but now it looks like he's treating the children differently and that's not ok.

Loving someone is one thing and no, I suppose you might not love step and biological kids the same way, but I think that makes it even MORE important that all the children are treated equally. If he's going to be there for his daughter, he should be there for his step-son. End of.

Sounds like you need to have a much bigger discussion than school days...

KiwiKat · 31/08/2010 19:18

I hope you're not putting any of these stresses on your DS - his first day should be as smooth as possible, and there seems to be quite significant danger of it being taken over by your unhappiness (for whatever reason, R or UR) with your DP.

Try and let the day be about your DS, and keep any drama out of it until later when you and DP can address it privately.

chocolateorange · 31/08/2010 19:26

He may not feel the same but he should l
bloody well be seen to be treating them the same.

Original poster
superv1xen · 31/08/2010 19:27

no of course i am not putting any of this on ds kiwikat

the thing is, apart from this, DP is a fab stepdad really, they get on really well, they play together and have loads of cuddles etc, he is even teaching him drums. they really do seem to love eachother and always have done really right from the start. even before DD came along DP would babysit for DS or take him out to the park, shops etc if i ever needed a break.

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 31/08/2010 19:34

I cant believe what your [D]H said. You must be feeling so Sad, and you obviously need to have a serious talk with him about his feelings for your DS.

Most men do not take DC to first day, but not for the reasons your DH has given.

I think you need to have a serious talk with him, about his feelings for his DSS.

How does he treat your DS every day?

loobylu3 · 31/08/2010 21:00

'but he is never going to love him as much as he does her; i know i couldnt love a non-bio child (ie stepchild) as much as i do my bio kids.'

Don't you think you are being a bit unfair to him then? If you yourself wouldn't love a child that was his and not yours the same as your own biological DS/ DD, how can you expect him to feel exactly the same?

I can understand why might be a bit hard but you have also said that he is a wonderful step dad otherwise. I would cherish all the love he does give to your DS (which his own biological father clearly does not) instead of complaining about something that is only effecting you and not your DS at all. By making him feel terribly guilty about this he may start to feel that you don't value all the effort that he does make with your DS.

mumeeee · 31/08/2010 21:31

YABU. DH didn't come to any of our DD's first day at school and niehter did anyone elses DP's. There was one Dad at one of the girls first days but he was a stay at home Dad and his wife didn't come.

MumNWLondon · 31/08/2010 21:44

I just mentioned this to DH as its DS1's first day at reception on friday. School starts at 8.30am so technically DH could come with and still be at work for 9.30am (so only half hour late which he could make up) but we both decided DH is not coming as its just not necessary. Before I read this thread we wouldn't even have discussed it.

I am not working ATM as DS2 is a baby and I'm on maternity leave but I did take the day off when DD started school, esp as DS1 started nursery on the same day and both were short days. Think if possible nice for one parent rather than nanny. However both DD and DS1 sobbed when we left them - I think because we'd made a fuss (it was me and the nanny). It was dreadful - leaving a crying DD at 8.30am and then a crying DS1 at 9am. I know that if our nanny had taken them they wouldn't have cried at all.

I see the point about step-dad thing, maybe he will be slightly less enthusiastic over your DS than your DD but still think YABVU about this.

mmmperuna · 31/08/2010 22:07

Was ready to say I wasn't there on DS first day and DH wasnt there on DD first day due to inflexible work buuuuutttttttt

then I saw your post about him being there for DD Angry yes he may well love them differently but he should treat them equally.

Well done for not showing your DS how you feel but Sad for you

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/08/2010 22:29

im on the fence on this one BECAUSE he is his own boss

generally dads dont go to school on first day, but i can see why you would want him to

im a nanny and in ex job i took both dc to school on first day and neither parents bothered - current job my mb took eldest into school then got a later train,middle dc stars school in sept and mb again taking him then im dropping her off at train station and going in hr late

dad didnt go, bit he does go for the IMPORTANT things likde parents eve/sports day/xmas plays etc