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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wishing we had family support nearby to help out/visit at the weekends?

77 replies

ssd · 29/08/2010 16:10

in a bit of a mood so feel free to ignore me

am just fed up to the back teeth of seeing all my friends visiting their families or having their families over on the weekends and as usual its just the 4 of us here. we have no family nearby. we do have friends but at the weekends they are usually out whilst the kids go to grannies/cousins etc etc. so we also miss out on a social lfe as we can't take the kids and we can't afford babysitters, it has to be for something really special not just a drink with the neighbours. all the neighbours here go out regularly and we are the only ones under 60 who never go out.

am just fed up have had for yrs and theres no end to it. everyone I know here has family for childcare and we have no one. we just have very elderly mums who need looking after now, its all changed.

I just so crave some family support, some who can pop in or you can take the kids and visit. someone you don't have to make plans with its just there for you whenever you want it. friends all have family or the kids are diiferent ages/stages to ours and its too much palaver getting them altogether when it results in bored moany kids.

its just crap having no one

OP posts:
invisibleink · 29/08/2010 16:14

I know how you feel :(

It sucks doesnt it!

Original poster
ssd · 29/08/2010 16:16

it does, it really does

I know having family nearby isn't all plain sailing, but it must be great when it works out

OP posts:
mumblechum · 29/08/2010 16:16

I see what you mean, having always lived hundreds of miles away from our families since we had children, but the difference is that we've never seen it as a problem tbh, the idea of visiting family at the weekends has never appealed.

There are loads of things you can do a s afamily, when ours were little we'd go out for long walks in the woods, to animal parks, to the beach etc. Much more fun than sitting in a relative's house just talking!

We did, though, dump ours on my parents on a regular basis & go off by ourselves, so we'd drop them off at my parents' in the Lake District then we'd go and have a weekend a few miles further on in a nice hotel, for example. Could you do that?

So far as babysitters go, would it be possible to join a babysitting circle, so even if you can't afford to pay a teenager a fiver an hour, you can get an evening out in exchange for sitting for someone else?

chibi · 29/08/2010 16:17

i know how you feel

we are overseas visiting my family and it is heavenly

obv there have been opportunities for us to go out as a couple that we don't often get at home, but more than that the dcs are thriving under the love and attention of their gp, cousins, aunties etc

it has been wonderful but bittersweet as we can only afford to do this every couple of years or so

my dh's family is limited to 2 kind but frail-ish parents, who adore our children, but it isn't quite the same

i grew up as part of a large family, i am sad that my kids will not have this feeling

ragged · 29/08/2010 16:18

YANBU.
But I can one-up you in the "Wouldn't it be nice... " stakes. Grin

DH regularly legs it away for 1-3 days with 1-2 of the DC (still leaving me at home with 2-3). It's not like I can go anywhere away.

I guess we could afford babysitters but I can't think who in their right mind would look after my motley crew, and the grief the DC would give me for it doesn't bear thinking about (presumably DC4 would just scream the whole time we were out, too).

Oh, and least you have nice friends you'd like to go out with! My best friends live too far away or are too busy. One couple keep offering (as a thank you for favours we've done them) to take us out for a meal, but we don't have anyone to mind the DC: they don't get the hint that maybe they could mind DC while DH & I went out!. Deep down I think they're just afraid of minding DC as everyone else.

sarah293 · 29/08/2010 16:21

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theredhen · 29/08/2010 16:25

Yep, I know that feeling, but at least you have each other. It's a lot worse when you're a single parent.

PosieParker · 29/08/2010 16:30

We have no family nearby either, well no parents anyway. My sister helps a lot but she has two children and very helpful in-laws and so I can't return the favour and try not to ask unless I am desperate. My parents live in Asia and my ILS the Midlands...although I am very thankful for that!!

fryalot · 29/08/2010 16:34

I also know how you feel - we're in Yorkshire and our nearest family is in Manchester.

It won't help for random babysitting, but if you're feeling isolated and needing someone to regularly come and tell you how fab you are, you could ask for a referral to home start - they are fab and visiting families with little or no family support

Original poster
ssd · 29/08/2010 16:38

mumble, our mums are in their 80's and we help to look after them so being able to drop kids off somewhere is just a dream here!

I looked into a babysitting circle and it never took off as no one else needed sitters, they all had family in one form or another to help out

OP posts:
mumblechum · 29/08/2010 16:43

Well, you may just have to bite the bullet and pay a babysitter then. If it's only once a month for four hours or so it'll be around £20. Worth it for your sanity, I would have thought.

fryalot · 29/08/2010 16:48

do any of your friends or neighbours have a teenager that would babysit regularly for not a great deal of money?

SixtyFootDoll · 29/08/2010 16:56

Why dont you invite people to you then you won't need a babysitter?

undercovamutha · 29/08/2010 16:56

YANBU. Know how you feel. My parents live 1.5hrs away, but my mum is disabled so they struggle to look after both DCs. FIL also lives 1.5hrs away (opposite direction), and is a widower, living in an unkempt house, with no inclination to help with small children! DSis is an hour away, but her idea of helping out is to accompany me on an outing, NOT actually take the DCs on her own!

We have about 2 nights out a year, when we are staying with my DP's and the kids are in bed. Not been to cinema together for 4.5years and have never been in our house together without the DCs - not even for 10mins AFAIR.

DH is just starting a new big DIY project, so dividing and conquering the children on the weekend will be a distant memory. So from now on, no swimming (as you're not allowed to take 2 DCs on your own), DS will be coming with DD and I to ballet, and cinema trips with DD will be out as DS is too young to sit still.

It would be so much easier if I had someone local to take just ONE of the DCs for 30mins now and again. Sigh!

mumblechum · 29/08/2010 16:59

undercovamother, you sound like another stressed out mum who needs to find a local teenager to babysit!

lizardpoisonsspock · 29/08/2010 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pranma · 29/08/2010 17:03

You know my dd lives a 20minute drive from me and they rarely,if ever, just 'pop over' for a visit.I do regular childcare and babysit whenever asked but they just seem to do loads of things together.The boys are 3.11 and 18 months old and the whole family seem to be out every weekend :(
Actually I am glad they have such a happy time together but would like to see more of them.
OP can I adopt you?

pointydog · 29/08/2010 17:15

yanbu

I know loads of people don't have family nearby and I know there is no obligation for family to support those with children but it can be such a fantastically Good Thing.

If the dds grow up and have children, I would love them to live quite close to us so I can pop by and help with babysitting.

lateSeptember1964 · 29/08/2010 17:22

I know how you feel and when your feeling a bit down it just somehow feels worse. I also realise they are under no obligation to help but it would be nice sometimes. My boys are nearly all grown now and although they do have a good relationship with grandparents they are not especially close. As my mother likes to point out you only "get out of the pot what you put in" but this never applies when she is complaining that her grandchildren have no time for her

mrsmerlothasabadhead · 29/08/2010 17:26

yanbu
I'd chew off my own hand to just have a couple of hours out with dh Blush
Crikey I'd love to be able go out for a nice meal and a couple of drinks without having to think about anyone else's needs just for an evening.

I get a little bit irritated and the green eyed monster appears some times when friends moan about not having time to themselves/their children being soooo demanding. Then in the next breath, they start talking about the lovely child free pub lunch they had with dh when their in-laws had the kids all day saturday. Or how they were soooo hungover on Sunday that their mum had to have the kids for the afternoon.

In all seriousness how do people find babysitters? I don't know many people where I live and there are few people I would trust to look after my brood!

GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 29/08/2010 17:31

Solidarity from me, too.

It's not just the 'going out' thing, either. DH and I work long hours and I feel the DDs miss out on loads because they've only got us and we're always so busy. I do miss family life. Sad

mumblechum · 29/08/2010 17:31

MrsMerlot, my ds advertises in the village shop window and has another ad on the village noticeboard. He's got a couple of new families that way but also sits for neighbours who we've known for years. It's a nice little earner for him, and he's sensible, caring, has a first aid cert etc and is very reliable.

People can be really sniffy about hiring sitters in that way, but tbh when ours were little and we moved every couple of years we always got teenagers who'd advertised locally, or nursery staff. The alternative, of having no time at all with the dh was simply not acceptable.

cat64 · 29/08/2010 17:40

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peppapighastakenovermylife · 29/08/2010 17:43

I know what you mean. DS2 is 11 days old and DH had to go back to work when he was 5 days old. I am sitting at home on my own all day every day as friends are in work / understandably busy and just wish I had a mum close enough and who was the type to pop in, cuddle the baby, keep me company etc etc.

Sorry that sounds really miserable, DS is really gorgeous and cuddly Grin

TheUnmentioned · 29/08/2010 17:51

Know how you feel. I think Id just like to be able to bump into my parents in the supermarket or pop round for a cup of tea or let them watch ds whilst I go to dentist etc, that's all really.

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