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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wishing we had family support nearby to help out/visit at the weekends?

77 replies

ssd · 29/08/2010 16:10

in a bit of a mood so feel free to ignore me

am just fed up to the back teeth of seeing all my friends visiting their families or having their families over on the weekends and as usual its just the 4 of us here. we have no family nearby. we do have friends but at the weekends they are usually out whilst the kids go to grannies/cousins etc etc. so we also miss out on a social lfe as we can't take the kids and we can't afford babysitters, it has to be for something really special not just a drink with the neighbours. all the neighbours here go out regularly and we are the only ones under 60 who never go out.

am just fed up have had for yrs and theres no end to it. everyone I know here has family for childcare and we have no one. we just have very elderly mums who need looking after now, its all changed.

I just so crave some family support, some who can pop in or you can take the kids and visit. someone you don't have to make plans with its just there for you whenever you want it. friends all have family or the kids are diiferent ages/stages to ours and its too much palaver getting them altogether when it results in bored moany kids.

its just crap having no one

OP posts:
Pioneer · 29/08/2010 17:51

Isn't there a website called Sitters?

I know they charge a bit more, but if you want a fully trained responsible adult then somewhere like that is the place to look.

Also I think Tinies have a babysitting service.

Having said that, I bet all the local teenagers would love to get a job babysitting - what better work than sitting in someone's house watching TV and getting paid!

Why not advertise in a local paper shop or supermarket?

Pioneer · 29/08/2010 18:04

This is a good website. I've not used it personally but have heard about it.

As far as I can see, depending on your area, most of them charge about £5 per hour.

Pioneer · 29/08/2010 18:06

Sorry, I know you say that you can't afford babysitters, but might be worthwhile having these contacts in case of a special occasion.

I do know how you feel btw - we have some of DH's family around, but all my family live between 200 and 400 miles away.

Marjee · 29/08/2010 18:12

Yanbu, I'm in a similar situation my family and ILs are 3 hours away Sad. We are the first of our group of friends to have a baby so they don't really understand how hard it is to find spare time and money for nights out.

Just wondering where does everyone live?

Portofino · 29/08/2010 18:15

Could you think about getting together with others and setting up a babysitting circle? Free then....

shandydrinker · 29/08/2010 18:17

Know how you feel, we have no family near. I dream of having help. When I visit my mum its a short haul flight with 2 under 4 and she is disabled, so I have to look after her when Im there.
Babysitters here are £8 a hour.
We go out separately to socialise or invite people over here.

Pioneer · 29/08/2010 18:18

ssd just a thought off the back of Marjee's post, why not post the area that you live in and maybe there might be some mumsnetters that can help you out? I'm in Kent if it helps?

makeupmummy · 29/08/2010 18:26

Yes, know exactly how you feel and am feeling sorry self at moment. Glad not single parent or would probably have tipped over edge now!!!

atswimtwolengths · 29/08/2010 18:26

Peppapig, why don't you go to a mother and toddler group when the baby's a couple of weeks older? I thought the children had to be toddlers and left it too late, but most of the mums had gone when their babies were just a few weeks old. Ask your health visitor if she knows of any groups.

Bumperlicious · 29/08/2010 18:27

It's having that hour or so for a break or to get stuff done that would make all the difference.

My mum is fab and has started having DD over night every month or two but she lives 2.5 hours away and just getting DD to her (we meet halfway) is a really faff, plus she is not very good at planning things in advance and tends to do it on her own terms. My ILs live 45 mins away, and one SIL is having DD over night next week, but that is a first and again, it's a 1.5 hour round trip then back again the next day. MIL is 80 odd so too old to look after DD at such a young age.

I'm panicking at when DC2 is due who will look after DD. I have lovely friends but they all have young children too and I don't want to impose.

I have to find a new 'job' when I go back to work and they bang on about using KIT days, which is all very well but who the heck do you get to look after the kids?

ninipops · 29/08/2010 18:32

Agree with the OP but unfortunately in my experience having family nearby is only useful if they are involved! IL's live about 45 min drive away but have never even offered to put on the kettle not to mind look after their only GC. It is tough especially seeing other mums getting breaks to go to the gym/hairdresser/supermarket not to mention getting couple time.

gingercat12 · 29/08/2010 18:41

We have no support either, and it is hard to be with DS all our spare time. Our parents are far away and very elderly, so we just have to get on with it. We do occasionally leave DS on grandparants for the night and stay in a hotel nearby, too. But it is very expensive, and our parents are getting quite frail, so we will not be able to do it much longer.

We do not know any babysitters, and the idea just does not appeal to us.

It is good to know we are not the only ones in this situation.

My current dream is to spend an entire day pottering around the house on my own doing strictly no housework.

RedBlueRed · 29/08/2010 18:53

I would love family nearby, was toying with the idea of moving back up to Scotland but my Brother and his family are talking of emigrating so pffft.
My parents live in abroad too, I have made some friends around here but none that would take DS off my hands for a break.

He used to visit his Dad every other weekend but the utter cunt has disappeared out of his life and doesn't even send a birthday card or a 'good luck at the big school' message. Its probably just as well.

I have moved around a bit and so have my friends from School, Uni and Work so I can totally relate to your craving of support.

I wish I had an answer.

Meglet · 29/08/2010 18:54

yanbu.

Even though I'm on my own with the kids (and it's bloody hard going most of the time) we still catch up with family at weekends and they help out so I can get to the gym.

I really feel for friends (married & single) who don't have family living nearby. I grew up with grandparents down the road so I can't imagine being stuck in with parents all the time.... and my parents didn't give us sweets.

DomesticG0ddess · 29/08/2010 18:58

I know completely how you feel, especially with DS2 on the way. However, we chose to live here, miles away from all our family! I also know they would drive us mad if they were close by, although it might be better instead of them coming to stay for a week at a time! How old are your DC? I find that as DS gets a bit older (he almost 4) friends are more keen to do stuff at the weekend, especially those with similar interests, where the adults can enjoy things while the DC entertain each other. However it will be tricky again when the baby arrives. I have also finally found a good babysitter, which really helps.

thefirstmrsDeVere · 29/08/2010 19:43

YANBU

I try not to think about it much though. Its pointless. Even if we lived nearby I doubt I would get that much help. My DM has always been a bit weird like that. Anytime I ever asked her (had to be desperate) she said no, so I stopped asking.

She looks after my DS & DBs kids though and she is nearly 70 now.

They all live close together and its lovely that my sister and mum do stuff together and the cousins all play together. But the downside for DS is that she will be looking after mum when she needs it. They live a very long way away so I couldnt do much even though I will feel horrible about it.

When my DD was sick we had to manage alone even though OH's family live nearby. One or two were fantastic but TBH we got more help from people we bearly knew. OH has MS and was left looking after two young boys (the youngest ASD & LD).

Sorry this is sounding like a monty python deprevation sketch Blush.

Its not supposed to - but even with family near we had to get on with it so maybe its not all its cracked up to be?

I am envious (in a nice way) of Mumsnetter who do things with sisters and mums though.

Original poster
ssd · 29/08/2010 21:56

thanks for all replies Smile

I know there are loads of coupldes in our situation, there must be. Its just that I don't personally know any!! Everyone I know here has help in one form or another.

As some posters said, its not just the going out thing (although that would be great). My 2 are 9 and 12 and the eldest is quite independant, but they'd both hate to be left with a babysitter they didn't know and I wouldn't enjoy my night out knowing they felt really uncomfortable in their own house. They aren't used to being left with anyone and I know how they'd feel.

Its the everyday, small things I miss that I see going on all around me.
the trips to the hairdresser/dentist/a coffee/ an hours walk without the kids, /someone popping in for a chat or a BBQ.being able to get a job that doesn't fit around the kids as you'd have someone to pick them up at 3.someone to leave in the house when they're out playing so you can pop to ikea. I could go on and on, I know others feel the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
ssd · 29/08/2010 21:59

sorry for moaning Sad

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 29/08/2010 22:06

it is a hard deal-you just got to make best of what you have.no amount of wish i had will make this better for you

sugarray · 29/08/2010 22:06

YANBU. I feel for you, it must be very hard. I have a large support network that I would be totally lost without! Do you have any friends in the same situation that you could maybe 'team' up with?

cat64 · 30/08/2010 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

moondog · 30/08/2010 00:34

I agreeCcat. How mad!

'My 2 are 9 and 12 and the eldest is quite independant, but they'd both hate to be left with a babysitter they didn't know and I wouldn't enjoy my night out knowing they felt really uncomfortable in their own house. They aren't used to being left with anyone and I know how they'd feel.'

Do you let them dominate everything you do SSD?

mumblechum · 30/08/2010 02:17

I'm also shocked at the kids' ages. Sounds like you've made a rod for your own back by not using babysitters from the off. Mine loved having sitters, they'd be desperate to get rid of us so they could watch unsuitable telly and eat loads of crap.

And all this stuff about not being able to get a job that fits around school hours?

Wakey wakey.

Original poster
ssd · 30/08/2010 08:46

we have left them with sitters but the girls we left them with have moved away and the only local teenager is someone I wouldn't leave them with

also the jobs thing - I have to get a job that fits around the school hours as I can't afford to pay for childcare

I would leave the 12 yr old in for a short while, but not the 9 yr old.Each to their own, but in my area I don't know anyone who leaves their 9 and 12 yr olds in the house for an hour alone.

Probably I have made a rod for my own back with regards to the babysitting, but when you don't have spare money to pay for a regular babysitter then the kids don't get used to one. We go out about twice a year, thats all we can afford.

OP posts:
Original poster
ssd · 30/08/2010 08:48

can I just ask the last few posters the ages of their kids and how long they leave them alone in the house for? I'm genuinely curious. I can't believe they'd leave the 9 yr old alone for an hour? or would you expect the 12 yr old to babysit his younger sibling?

OP posts:
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