in wishing we had family support nearby to help out/visit at the weekends?

[ssd]

in a bit of a mood so feel free to ignore me

am just fed up to the back teeth of seeing all my friends visiting their families or having their families over on the weekends and as usual its just the 4 of us here. we have no family nearby. we do have friends but at the weekends they are usually out whilst the kids go to grannies/cousins etc etc. so we also miss out on a social lfe as we can't take the kids and we can't afford babysitters, it has to be for something really special not just a drink with the neighbours. all the neighbours here go out regularly and we are the only ones under 60 who never go out.

am just fed up have had for yrs and theres no end to it. everyone I know here has family for childcare and we have no one. we just have very elderly mums who need looking after now, its all changed.

I just so crave some family support, some who can pop in or you can take the kids and visit. someone you don't have to make plans with its just there for you whenever you want it. friends all have family or the kids are diiferent ages/stages to ours and its too much palaver getting them altogether when it results in bored moany kids.

its just crap having no one

You really need to get a grip ssd-in all spheres.

And if you don't have a piad job, what on earth are you doing for 6 1/2 hours every day while they are in school?

Yes, I'd leave my 9 year old at home for an hour. Equally I also get him to make the 15 minute walk to the shop/post office if I need help with chores. Leaving 2 children together is a bit different as it depends an awful lot on their relationship.

But at 9 and 12 you can reason with them. They don't have to like every babysitter, they just have to be safe.

And as for weekends, your eldest is old enough to go off with friends. You can't be their chief entertainer forever.

My mum has just moved south after many years away (10+hours drive). I have had to manage 4 dcs, a p/t job abd dh working 12 hr days and w/ends for the last 11 years, and it has been soooo difficult. The awfulness of scrolling my phone book to beg someone to grab the dcs if I'm running late at work, the horror of the hairdressers, dragging all 4 dcs reluctantly round the shops for shoes or food, etc etc. So, this is sheer bliss. I went to the supermarket with dh and actaully bought what I wanted. Totally feel for you!

And why can't you leave them with your dh while you go for a walk/dentist and so on?

You need to stop moaning and sort things out.
Your dcs are old enough to sort out their own social lives- especially the 12 yr old.
I too have no family, all our friends are local so we have no one to visit at holiday/weekends, and yes, our friends often see their own family or visit at these times.
But I know that won't change, so I have to get my act together and do things.
I have a dh who spends most of the weekend on the golf course, but I do other things and have me time.
It sounds as if your dcs rule the roost a bit- if my dcs moaned about having a babysitter they didn't know, they'd get short shrift!
Mine are 13 and 11 and are regularly left for an hour or two.

We started leaving ds alone from 11, ie we'd go out for a walk for a few hours, or to a local evening out (ie in the village), and he loved having the place to himself.

At 11 he was also going on the train at weekends with his friends to the next town for an afternoon of cinema/mooching round Game. A 12 year old, imo, should be off doiong his own thing at the weekend, within reason.

Gosh I thought from your op your children were tiny.

I still sympathise with your lack of family living close by and missing out on company, as this is the thing I'm jealous of the most.

Personally, I look forward to when my dc get to similar ages as your dc. IMO they are perfect ages for eating out with you in the evening, old enough to behave, not get bored and be good company. I realise in many respects I am lucky and in time I will be able to do these things, and start to get my social life back many people will not be so fortunate.

In response to you being unable to get to hairdressers/dentist appointments and walks/coffee without children. Could you arrange appointments first thing in the morning after when the children are at school?
Not meaning to be rude, but I'm a bit when you say you don't have anytime to yourself if your dc are of school age and you don't work?

Obviously there may be very valid reasons why this isn't possible if one or both dc have special needs or are being home educated or even just if you live in the sticks. If none of these are the case then surely you get couple of hours each day completely childfree? MrsM tries to hide the face

I don't understand the "I can't get a job as I can't afford childcare"
If you get a job you get paid money, some of which you then use for childcare. Many schools have cheap after school clubs and childminders aren't that expensive.
You could work part time.
Our families all lived several hours away and we used babysitters and childminders from them being a few months old and both worked part time.
We have active weekends as do the kids. Some joint, some individual hobbies.
You have 2 of you so 1 can babysit if you don't want to use a sitter.
Do you really want endless weekends of rellie visiting?
I enjoy doing stuff with the kids and taking them out, and not feeling some parent or other may have a huff if we don't visit.

I'm exactly like you Rebecca! I don't mind seeing family two or three times a year but the idea of being stuck in the house nattering with my parents when we could be out having fun - meh.

my 12 year old is very independant and organises his social life with no trouble at all

I work when the kids are in school, thats what I'm doing for 6 and 1/2 hours a day!!

my kids are well balanced, thoughtful individuals who don't need/have/want their mum hovering over them all the time

but I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving the 9 yr old for an hour and if I left the 2 together they'd end up fighting

I guess what I'm saying is I'd love some family nearby, to share our lives and help in a million ways and to benefit the kids

If some of you don't understand that feeling, then lucky you

2rebeca, I earn £5.80 an hour, childcare for 2 kids is £6 an hour

whats not to understand?

I really do sympathise with you, we raised our kids with very little support from family. Not their choice and not ours either and lots of heartbreak and regrets all round.

Families are so important and I hate the fact that I am so far away from mine.

No family around for 90 miles, and that's the ILs who have very poor health.

Can't afford sitters and our children are young.

That's how it is.

We go out separately or when my folks are here or we're in my native country to visit.

Sucks but life's a trade-off and we live here because it's a better place to bring up children on the low income we're on than wehre the ILs or my folks live.

Sorry but you said "I have to get a job..." which to me implied that you didn't have a job at the moment otherwise you would say "I have a job..."

Often jobs that aren't in school hours pay a better hourly rate than those that aren't.

I agree in your current job it doesn't make financial sense to pay for childcare.

I totally understand the lack of family thing. I have never had it since having first baby 10 years ago and it is hard when you can't even pop to the Drs easily and quickly without taking 2 smallies in tow.

But I actively look out for teenagers to babysit, especially ones who live near enough so they can easily walk home. I have just found a 16yr old boy and we're road testing him with some daytime care during holidays before starting on an evening. The fact that he's a boy is great as DSs think it is cool to have an older guy who plays rugby with them in the park. An hour here or there and we'll be ready to go with a bedtime/evening. (Acutally the 5 yr old thinks it is cool to have a big guy babysitting, the 9yr old is most unhappy but I ignore that and tell him I need my playdates as much as he does.)

Why can't you leave your 9 yr old alone for an hour or so in the house? I think kids are so different that only some would be sensible enough to be left at this age, but you could identify why you can't leave him, then start 'working' on those issues. I left my DS1 at 9yrs for an hour and do it happily now. He plays lego and has strict rules about what he can/can't do. So the TV/computer is banned, making toast is banned, answeringdoor or phone is banned and I leave him with my mobile number on a piece of paper and the phone handset so it's all easy.

I think my 9 yr old would be scared in the house himself for an hour, 10 mins is fine but an hour - no way!

cat, I wouldn't leave a 9 yr old to go anywhere that took longer than 15 minutes

I don't agree with you there but each to their own

neighbours and friends are great and we all help each other out when we can

but it doesn't feel like the close family relationships I see going on around me that I crave so much

I can understand you don't feel like that, but I do

obviously you don't want to scare him, that wouldn't be right, it sounds too early for him to be home alone.

But you need to move gradually towards that by giving him the confidence that he'd be fine with slightly increasing bits of time. I think it's good for their self esteem to be trusted with the next stage things, whatever they are.

Perhaps you could work on why your 9 year old would be scared and start increasing the time on a Saturday morning, for example, or when his favourite TV show is on. We have very small children and sometimes have their friends over for a DVD and pizza in the early evening while their parents go out and vice versa. We're all thousands of miles away from family so that works for us.

ssd, sympathy from me. Luckily for me my mum and dad are very involved, but they are the only family members who are; my brother lives abroad, and DH's family, although local, almost NEVER see DS - I often think that without my mum we would have no support at all and I just can so imagine that feeling of everyone else being out with close family and you just stuck at home just like every day.

I can totally see why you would crave that sort of family involvement.

One thing springs to mind though, is that your kids are getting to the ages where you can take them with you to do evening activities; you could look towards joining a local gym as they might have a family bar where you can all socialise together? Maybe you could focus on activities where you socialise and meet people together rather than trying to socialise without them?

And FWIW most people I know don't see alot of their families, they all seem to be out with good friends rather than family, which I often feel left out of but that's another story!!!

the boys are both really busy with their clubs and social lives, but as with most parents with 2 kids at different ages most things are on at different times and trying to get something altogether wouldn't work (also TBH I like to get out of the house myself instead of dragging them all with me )its a good idea though, thanks, I'll bear it in mind.

I'm not in any rush to get the 9 yr old to stay in by himself, I can see, what with having a 12 yr old, that these things happen naturally as they get older and I don't think there's any point in forcing things if he's not happy with that (and I know I wouldn't be happy/relaxed, not yet anyway).

The future will only get easier, I know that. And its a million times easier than when they were small.

Its just hard listening to work clooegues/neighbours/friends talking about their families and the things they do together and wishing it was me