to lie to work

[cherrycakesparkle]

I go back to work in 3 weeks - 8 till 2 daily. Wish I didn't have to, but I do. A conference has been planned for 2 weeks after that, for the whole team from around the UK. I will have to get up at 3am to leave and would not be back till 11pm that night.

DS is breastfed and pretty full on still. He will be ok at nursery I think with expressed milk but very dependent on me to be fed to sleep and fed through the night. I think he would be distraught to wake up in the night and for me not to be there, also to go to bed with me not there. Sorry if I sound precious, I'm not trying to be.

If I explain this to work I think they will just say, tough, you need to come.

Would IBU to tell a lie and say that I have a hospital appointment on that day that can't be moved? I don't like lying (who does) but to me it's better than leaving DS all day and thinking of him crying and needing me. The conference is just a get together and I can do my job without attending.

I went back when the babies were 2 weeks and expressed every few hours at work but I still think it's much easier to feed the baby (and with the last ones we had a daily nanny and I was mostly working here so that was much easier - expressing isn't that much fun and if the baby wakes at night I wants its mother and normal pattern) so I my suggestion of taking it along and hiring someone to have it whilst you work is also an option.

Cherry, what was your reason for starting this thread? You had clearly already made up your mind about what you were going to do. So it does appear that you were only posting to be inflammatory.

Personally, if I was in your situation, I would not lie. I have had to explain to my manager that I could not attend conferences because of my DD's needs. This has been accepted without question. Most employers are very aware of the risks of appearing to discriminate against working mothers so tend to tread very carefully.

Also this is your opportunity to establish the boundaries around your working hours. If your manager thinks you would have been willing to go to this conference if only you hadn't had a badly timed hospital appointment, then he will not hesitate to require you to do anything else that requires extra hours. However, if your manager is made aware that you cannot give extra hours at this stage, he will surely bear this in mind in the future.

Aren't there laws around having to accommodate breastfeeding mothers? I may be wrong but my understanding is that employers have to be reasonably accomdating.

cherry - do you not realise that your employer could read this thread? All it could take is someone you work with spotting it, recognising you and going to HR. Or not even that but gossiping about it with someone else who tells someone..etc.

If you think thats unlikely, this has happened to friends of mine. One was put through humilating and stressful disciplinary procedures - the other was simply fired. Both as a result of posts they made on an anonymous talkboard, where someone recognised them.

I love these kinds of AIBU threads:

OP posts dilemma.

Some say YABU, some don't.

OP gets mightily pissed off because everyone doesn't tell her how wonderfully wise, clever and above all, reasonable she is.

OP completely ignores all the thoughtful, sensible advice some posters have taken the time to write and simply reiterates ad nauseum her determination to do what she had planned to do in the first place.

Love it.

Oh, although I appreciate it is a waste of energy to type this, YABU - tell the truth.

PS: at objecting to being called a liar - er, the thread title speaks for itself, doesn't it?

Why did you post in AIBU when clearly you aren't prepared to hear that you are?

YABU to lie

YANBU to not want to go

YABU in thinking your son wont cope. He will. He might not like it, but he will cope - he will not die from not being bf for one night.

You don't know what your boss is going to say - so tell him the truth, you have a baby under a year old and you aren't prepared to be away from him for this length of time. IF he says anything negative, just apologise that it's not convenient for you right now and ask him to bring you back the relevant information. End of. He cannot make you go (as has been mentioned before) and yes he can be a bit miffed but you say yourself he's likely to have forgotten in five minutes... so really, there isn't a problem is there?

If I was considering lying to my employer about any issue, I certainly wouldn't be discussing it - along with identifying details - on a public talkboard! It's crazy.

This is a classic example of someone rationalising to themselves that it's okay to lie...and hiding behind their (convenient) child to do so.

OP - you don't want to go to the conference and (you know it yourself) probably won't go.

Just, please, don't kid yourself that it's for reasons anywhere near as high-minded as "doin' the right 'fing for my kids".

ok BarmyArmy, of course you know me, and you know best. I'm sure you have your own reasons for not understanding why a mother wouldn't want to leave her child.Ditto ChippingIn.

I don't object to being called a liar - how could I?Read the thread.

Janos - That is exactly what I was about to say. You are planning to lie, and you are posting that you are planning on doing so on a public talk board.

Lying is deeply daft in any event - it's gross misconduct and you could be fired for it. Talking about it just compounds the liklihood of getting caught.

Either deal with the separation (and I think that this is your issue, it sounds like your son will be just fine), or deal with this properly in a formal and grown up manner.

I am sorry if that is harsh, but I do think that people who behave in this way are what gives working mums a bad name amongst some employers for being unreliable or something to avoid - please pluck up the courage and deal with the issue head on, not lie.

I wouldn't hesitate to tell my boss the exact truth and I know for a fact that he would understand and not make me go.

I really don't understand what the issue is - just tell the truth!

YABU

Don't lie to your employer. Just explain the situation. I have BF 2 children long term, coslept and all the rest of it, and always had to work full time going to lots of overnight places - sometimes I pumped, sometimes I took babies along - its nothing you can't work round.

My employer is very old school male stereotype that 'should' not have been understanding. They didn't exactly love the whole situation but valued me as a hard working truthful employee and we all made compromises all round. I've worked mad hours/done mad journeys, they've paid for babysitters so I could go to dinners, bought me a roofbox so I could take children and work stuff all to same event. All sorts of things. I'm still here, doing a great job, and balancing it with the family too.

And the next breastfeeding woman that works here should get a much easier ride than I did and that feels positive too.

I always lie.

Thank you River of Sleep and others who have posted reasonable replies and refrained from attacking me, questioning my real motives, telling me my son will be fine (sorry, do you KNOW my son?), telling me I am spoiling him, calling me pathetic and lame, and the rest.

I have only given what I got, and stood up for myself.

I think some of the posters who purport to not understand my problem have either never experienced the close bond I have with my son or are jealous of it, or both.

You know what? When I read posts like Rivers, I think that maybe I will tell the truth. It's those who cannot put their point across without twisting things for their own personal reasons I have an issue with.

arf at tethersend.

I don't see how telling them you have a hospital appointment would solve anything anyway as if they're likely to be pissed off about you not going because of a tiny baby they'll be equally pissed off about a hospital appointment.

If you tell the truth you will be legally protected.

As has been said, the company cannot discriminate against you.

If you lie you will lose your rights.

In a couple of years time when you post

"I have been over looked for promotion again"

The reason for being overlooked will be because you have a poor work attendence record.

You will have no legal redress, turning around in a couple of years and coming clean will not get you a promotion because the company will be able to say that you lied.

Why lie?

Why not tell them the truth?

I don't "get" this.

RiverOfSleep - you put your children in the roofbox.....

Sorry, someone had to lighten the thread up....

I won't be legally protected. They can still make me go by saying I can pump at the conference or making other provisions.

"I don't object to being called a liar - how could I?Read the thread."

"I do welcome opinions Megatron, just not ones that call me pathetic or a liar!

Clearly, I have read the thread, Cherrycakesparkle. Maybe you should. And my stands.

Anyway, I have asked for this to be deleted...thanks to those of you who posted supportively.

Why have you asked for it to be deleted cherrycakesparkle?

Pioneer, its ok its quite roomy and I give them fruitshoots and wotsits to keep them happy

They can't make you go. Not every BF mother can pump so thats not an acceptable default solution.