to lie to work

[cherrycakesparkle]

I go back to work in 3 weeks - 8 till 2 daily. Wish I didn't have to, but I do. A conference has been planned for 2 weeks after that, for the whole team from around the UK. I will have to get up at 3am to leave and would not be back till 11pm that night.

DS is breastfed and pretty full on still. He will be ok at nursery I think with expressed milk but very dependent on me to be fed to sleep and fed through the night. I think he would be distraught to wake up in the night and for me not to be there, also to go to bed with me not there. Sorry if I sound precious, I'm not trying to be.

If I explain this to work I think they will just say, tough, you need to come.

Would IBU to tell a lie and say that I have a hospital appointment on that day that can't be moved? I don't like lying (who does) but to me it's better than leaving DS all day and thinking of him crying and needing me. The conference is just a get together and I can do my job without attending.

Nothing about your OP or your dilemma is that controversial or shocking to me.

But the way you have conducted yourself through the thread has been, honestly, quite shocking. And I've been here a while.

You truly sound horrible.

And before you pile in with all the motherhood crap, I'll reiterate that this is solely based on how you've attacked people on this thread - nothing whatsoever to do with your OP.

Arf at being jealous of your maternal bonds

Oh bugger, you're a mother - if only you'd mentioned your bond before - or perhaps even posted your dilemma on a website where other women were mothers.

Your whole last post.. bizarre and narcissistic.

Oh I'm loving this - don't get the "there there lie to your boss" answer you want so run and beg thread deletion.

I also love the way you crawled and creeped and thanked everyone who patted you on the head and told you it was the right thing to do.

People offered you constructive advice - from... shockingly ASKING instead of assuming, through to suggesting alternative courses of action like attending for the part day or offering to catch up via handouts etc... you just fancy a day off and want to use the breastfeeding mommy top trumps to lie your way through things.

Thank you, as a woman of "baby" age for making it harder yet again for any of us to be employed with employers assuming we'll all be sprogging and taking the pee from the get-go.

It's ok - there'll be someone in the office with no kids, looking after a sick parent or something who'll be forced to bend over backwards to cover the slack now you've got the get out of jail free card going strong.

The second you started crying thread deletion you showed what a pathetic waste of space you really are.

OP, you said, "I have two choices -

1.Tell the truth. The kind of boss I have - he may well say, yeah, fine, don't come. But he may also say, just to be an arse, that's an issue.Need to take it up with HR. Who may say I need to come, and they will provide me with a room to pump, or something. I can then refuse to go"

You later said:

"They can still make me go by saying I can pump at the conference or making other provisions."

In anotherwords, you are using your child as an excuse not to go, even if you are presented with solutions. You are being defensive and aggressive to those who think that YABU and ingratiatingly sickly sweet to those who agree with you and by lying, which was obviously what you intended to do all along, you still will be, imho, screwing up the reputation and chances of working mothers now and in the future.

As far as I can see the problem is with you and not your son, about your desire to play the martyr and your needs. You've been told that and now you want to pick up your ball and go home.

Now that is pathetic!

I sincerely hope MNHQ decide NOT to pull this thread.

I think it is very sad that you can just ask for it to be deleted because it isn't going your way.

I expect OP will say it is because she has posted too many details and could be identified. But most of the details were there in the OP, so if it was going to be deleted, it should have been done much earlier, or, preferably, not written in the first place.

I have a fantastic bond with my (now adult) children. I did not have to worry about this sort if thing when they were babies because I chose to stay at home until they were at school. However, given that you have a lot more job protection than there was back then, especially with regard to maternity leave, time off with dependants, flexible working etc, why on earth would you even begin to want to jeopardise any of that by lying? However unlikely it is that your employer will find out, it still remains a possibility. It also gives ammunition to those who bemoan the rights of working mothers.

When you post in AIBU, there is a clear warning that things can get heated. If you do not want to run that risk, then don't post here!

If you are truly concerned about your child, you owe it to him to be honest with your employer. Better that than you are found out and lose your job. Because that would have serious consequences for your future employment prospects as well.

Thanks, BA

FFS Did you actually read my post??? Which part is it exactly that made you post this :^
I'm sure you have your own reasons for not understanding why a mother wouldn't want to leave her child ChippingIn.^

^ChippingIn Mon 23-Aug-10 11:11:37
Why did you post in AIBU when clearly you aren't prepared to hear that you are?

YABU to lie

YANBU to not want to go

YABU in thinking your son wont cope. He will. He might not like it, but he will cope - he will not die from not being bf for one night.

You don't know what your boss is going to say - so tell him the truth, you have a baby under a year old and you aren't prepared to be away from him for this length of time. IF he says anything negative, just apologise that it's not convenient for you right now and ask him to bring you back the relevant information. End of. He cannot make you go (as has been mentioned before) and yes he can be a bit miffed but you say yourself he's likely to have forgotten in five minutes... so really, there isn't a problem is there?^

No, none of us know your child - but unless he's some kind of throw back of nature he is going to survive not being bf to sleep one night... he will take milk out of a cup, eat a banana or be hungry until you get home - so in what way wont he cope?? (I already agreed he might not like it remember).

VERY interesting first ever post Cherry...

Has it really taken us 235 posts to realise this or did I miss someone else pointing it out earlier???

Child will not remember 20 years down the line (or 1 day later for that matter) that you left him for a few hours when he was 7 months old. He/she is not going to suffer any long lasting damage because you left him/her and that bond you have (like most of us have) is not going to break becasue of it. You seriously need to get a grip and stop being so naive. Yes, maybe some of us have told a few lies before but in this case seriously doesn't warrent lying.

Cherry I think it's all been said on both fronts really with respect to your actual dilemna, but I just wanted to gently add this: this could actually be A Good Thing for you and your son. The thing is, it's not going to do him any good longer term if he is genuinely so dependent on you that he will be as distraught as you say to be left with his father for one night.

The greatest gift you can give him is the ability to be able to comfort and soothe himself and/or to be able to accept comfort and soothing from others. Otherwise he will constantly be in a state of distress and anxiety whenever you're not there.

When my DS was tiny I got a phone call at midnight from the police to say my DH was being put into an ambulance after an accident. Even as I was taking the details from him, I was already dialing my Mum on the other phone with my other hand. I am so thankful that I was able to leave him with her and know that he would take milk from her, allow her to comfort him, etc, if he woke. I'd only used expressed milk in a bottle to give my nips a break, but I was so glad that we'd crossed that bridge already so I could just run, and be with my husband.

I sincerely hope that nothing like that ever happens to you, and I'm sure it won't. But how about trying to look at your situation like this: you have 5 weeks notice now to try and gently work towards a point where you feel confident that you can leave your baby and your husband together for the night without it being traumatic. If you don't manage to get to that point, then ok - explain that to your boss. You can explain all the steps you've taken to try and make it work, and why, but sadly it hasn't worked so you will only be able to attend the conference between 11 and 3, or whatever. It won't affect your bond, I promise.

It's only one day, after all. Then you can come home and cosleep and BF to your heart's content again; this isn't about your choices in those regards. But please don't go on where your baby cannot comfort himself nor receive comfort from anyone but you, not even his Dad. It's not fair on him.

Casserole, a thoughtful, well considered post. I have a feeling it will go over the OP's head though...

I am going to ask my DS, who is 7, if he remembers that DH and I left him with only his grandparents to watch over him while we went to see Eddie Izzard. DS was only 9 months old at the time, breastfed and not only had to have his expressed milk from a bottle on this occasion but had to be settled to sleep by grandma. Oh the shame of it.

Lovely post Casserole

I breastfed 5 children including twins and was working after 2 weeks full time but i can understand the difficulties of leaving them over night even at is it 7 months? I can't remember. It is not just that practically it's hard to arrange but that your own body almost needs it. Expressing is not the answer. I probably have expressed more and perhaps more successfully than any mothers on mumsnet - it's that if it goes from 3am right through to the next evening that's a huge thing for the mother and baby.

However one reason I earn what I do etc is because I always offer solutions to employers or always did when I was an employee, not problems. So you take the baby and a young cousin of yours say or one of all these lovely students graduating this year who would love a days' work- you drive down the night before with the baby and perhaps have to pay for a double room if your boss woudl have only paid for a single one. Feed all night etc Then feed just before the conference starts an then there will be a coffee break at 11 and lunch at 1 and another break at 3 so those are ideal breastfeeding breaks and either just go up tyour room is the conference is wher eyou're staying or sit outside on a wall and feed. Perfectly doable.

Wow, Xenia! You're a hard act to follow!

I've had a really good think whilst reading this thread, and I can't think of one occasion I have ever lied to my employer. And if I found out that one of my employees had lied to me I would be incredibly disappointed in them.

I'm with Xenia - you need to think of a solution for your employer. You haven't even addressed all the people who have suggested that you hire a room in a hotel, or that your DH take leave and comes with you.

I don't know why you can't at least explore these options.

And btw, there are VERY few people on this thread who have suggested you are BU to not want to go, and PLENTY of people who have given you the benefit of their experience as WOHMs with small babies.

The thread has excited interest because some (a minority but a very visible one in the work place) exhibit an attitude of sanctified motherhood - I am pregnant or have a baby so I must be treated in some very special way . Then you get a lot of other working mothers and fathers who don't do that, in fact they probably in many cases work longer hours than the ones without children to prove the point etc. Sadly the slackers give the other women a bad name but ni a sense it doesn't matter because those who are committed are visibly so much the best they rise and do well and the slackers go part time, side line their career and never make much of themselves... Anyway interesting issues.

The other subtext as well all know is that most meetings are a total waste of time and one of the nicest things about working for yourself as I do is you can avoid all pointlessness.

Another possibilty as I'm always suggesting to people and indeed we practise for some commitees is attendance by video or even just skype web cam link or even just conference telephone call. May be someone suggested that above too. I do meetings like that when I cannot be bothered to venture in person to them

..although that is a problem women have - they think if they just do the work that will be sufficient but it's not. Visibility counts too so my suggestion above might not be wise - the video conference option. My older daughter is in her first job and we were talking about why some people are doing better than others. Some brilliant boy she works with who should have loads of credit just hasn't been present or spoken to the right people or whatever those factors are at work in being seen and appreciated. Mind you I was so unusual at 22 with a baby working full time 25 years ago that it made me cllose to and similar to very senior people and customers at work in a way that the other 22 year olds could never achieve. Baby as career accessory perhaps if you play it right.

Here are my thoughts on this, based on my experience as a working mum:

1. talk to your boss and explain why it's difficult for you. Also offer some alternatives as people have suggested (provide cover in the office, join "virtually", get your DH to take a day off work (he's your DSs parent too).

1. If your boss says no, and you are still not prepared to leave your DS/take him with you, then you should take a day's annual leave or

1. delay your return to work (you may be too late to do this as i think you need to give 2 months notice), as you sound like you are stressing about the return to work, and this is making it much more daunting.

I am a working mum, and when I returned to work, I was committed to my job as well as my family. Of course, family comes first if my DCs are ill or if i have no childcare, but I will always try and arrange childcare if there is something my boss thinks it is important i attend. My DH has the DCs 1 day a week, as do I - it's a partnership (as it is when the DCs are ill and we need time off) - why not let your DH try to settle your DS for a few nights whilst you are around to help if it all gets too much? Yes, he will cry, but it is because it is unfamiliar to him, and it's not how he is used to going to sleep - and the more he experiences a different way of going to sleep, the easier it will become- better to do it now, than in 5 weeks time.

And emptyshell, thanking someone for their support is not crawling and creeping, it's just - thanking them for their support!Sorry...