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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to lie to work

261 replies

cherrycakesparkle · 22/08/2010 15:36

I go back to work in 3 weeks - 8 till 2 daily. Wish I didn't have to, but I do. A conference has been planned for 2 weeks after that, for the whole team from around the UK. I will have to get up at 3am to leave and would not be back till 11pm that night.

DS is breastfed and pretty full on still. He will be ok at nursery I think with expressed milk but very dependent on me to be fed to sleep and fed through the night. I think he would be distraught to wake up in the night and for me not to be there, also to go to bed with me not there. Sorry if I sound precious, I'm not trying to be.

If I explain this to work I think they will just say, tough, you need to come.

Would IBU to tell a lie and say that I have a hospital appointment on that day that can't be moved? I don't like lying (who does) but to me it's better than leaving DS all day and thinking of him crying and needing me. The conference is just a get together and I can do my job without attending.

OP posts:
Appletrees · 22/08/2010 22:54

Open your month and speak? So what's the problem? Why did you ask?

Bolleaux to "it's all for my son" and swooning in self sacrifice. What a joke. Just do it if it's so easy.

Appletrees · 22/08/2010 22:55

Ho. Mouth.

Scuttlebutter · 22/08/2010 23:05

Cherry, I think I am probably one of those hard, cold ladies Smile Lots of people on here have tried to suggest constructive ways of you working honestly and positively with your employer. You have a great deal of power in your hands when you return to work - risk assessment has already been mentioned, and I can think of lots of options that might make missing the conference feasible - running the "stay-behind" operation, catching up on the key presentations from colleagues when they return, making sure you attend events later in the year, even offering to speak at or help organise next year's conference. Why miss all these for a stupid lie? And you will be very vulnerable if your employer asks to see your hospital appt letter - is that really what you want for your family? Disciplinary action and possible dismissal?

Xenia · 22/08/2010 23:51

Anothe possibility is take the baby with a nanny or relative you could hire at your own expense and then just discreetly leave the room at feeding times. It might be worth your paying the expense of that to ensure a smooth going back to work and for the sake of your future promotion prospects at work.

Original poster
cherrycakesparkle · 23/08/2010 08:10

I am more shocked by the naivete of people on this board - people do lie at work, you know, and to those of you who are managers, you've probably been lied to several times! I do not advocate lying and would always teach my kids that honesty is the best policy but on this occasion I feel a small lie is best.

Appletrees, forgive me if I can't take you seriously having seen your mad posts on other threads! I'm not swooning in self sacrifice,dear, it's just called being a mother and doing what you think it's right for your child, perhaps you don't really understand that - I'm not clear how wanting to spare my son upset and misery is swooning in self sacrifice. What a lovely lady you sound.

Has it occurred to any of you that by being upfront with my employer I am actually giving working mothers a worse name, whereas by lying - and I repeat for the enth time he will not find out I am lying - as far as work is concerned my non attendance has nothing to do with the fact of me being a mother.

And Evil, I'm fine with people not agreeing with me, and several people have actually said they do agree with lying. It's the spiteful comments and the lack of understanding that I find a bit sad.

OP posts:
EvilTwins · 23/08/2010 08:16

"I repeat for the enth time he will not find out I am lying"

You hope.

Original poster
cherrycakesparkle · 23/08/2010 08:21

Sorry to disappoint you Evil - I know. Though I expect you hope I am discovered. There's the sisterhood for you!

OP posts:
macdoodle · 23/08/2010 08:28

cherry, if anyone is flinging personal insults and being nasty, its you!
You asked an AIBU, and then proceeded to get shirty with everyone who said yes YABU!
Dont get all defensive and righteous and criticise other peoples parentings, that is bang out of order, actually no one criticised your parenting, though TBh I find your pathetic statements about only you being able to settle your son, and he wont like it (he's 7 months old), is your DP not capable of looking after his own child (how very insulting)!
I am bloody glad you dont work for me, your utter lack of respect and disdain for your employers is shocking!

TheBolter · 23/08/2010 08:31

Well Cherry Cakes, lie then. Why did you bother posting on here if you just wanted agreement all round? Your question was 'AIBU to lie to work?' A lot of us said 'yes, YABU to lie to work'. Yet you still seem intent on going ahead. Get on with it then.

I find this type of AIBU so exasperating - you know I really felt I was posting in your best interests last night (you did ask remember) - as I'm sure a lot of other posters have - and you thank us all by telling us we must be naive. Thanks, but I'm not. I think you are naive for discrediting your employers with an ounce of intelligence.

I give up.

Appletrees · 23/08/2010 08:33

You are very strange.. "so much for the sisterhood"? What are you like? We all need to stick together and lie, do we? I guess that's one kind of feminism that passed me by.

mad posts? what on earth are you talking about?

TheBolter · 23/08/2010 08:34

You would be doing far more for the sisterhood by being upfront, honest, and explaining to your employers that bf can get in the way of corporate life from time to time.

rookiemater · 23/08/2010 08:55

Agree with TheBolter OP. I'm hugely supportive of the fact that you shouldn't have to go, but feel that lying about it will not help you in the long run.

By reducing your hours, you have already stated loud and clear that your DS is your primary consideration at this point in time, this is not a criticism btw as I'm part time too. Therefore it wouldn't be such a wild leap of fancy for your employers to understand why you wouldn't want to be away from him for 19 hours in one day, BF and co sleeping or not.

Just wrap it up in bows about looking after the office etc etc.

If you want to lie fine do that, but if you don't like lying and don't do it often then you probably won't be very good at it and may get caught out.

Muser · 23/08/2010 09:00

If he won't remember for more than 5 minutes that you won't be coming why on earth do you not just say "I'm sorry, I can't come because I'm breastfeeding." You're painting a picture that your boss is very busy and won't care if you're not there, so why lie? Just say "I'm sorry, I can't come" and be done with it.

It is very frustrating that you aren't even engaging with the people saying to tell the truth, instead focusing on the ones who say you have to go. There's plenty of people saying YANBU not to go, just to lie about it. But you haven't given a single good reason why you can't just tell the truth.

Rockbird · 23/08/2010 09:09

I've skimmed as this thread got a bit odd but I don't think you can really do anything other than have it out with them straight and explain that this has just come too soon. A few months down the line then fine but a fortnight after you return to work you will still be finding your feet and your DS learning about separation. My contract says occasional weekends but I've never been forced to work one and certainly wouldn't be now and I work in a stuffy environment full of childless people and have found them not to be overly understanding to the needs of young babies.

My lot are desperate to get me in for an extra 2 days per week for a three week conference but there is no way. They will only give leave in lieu instead of payment and I would need to put DD in nursery so can't afford it. They'll just have to accept that.

Good luck with what you decide :)

Original poster
cherrycakesparkle · 23/08/2010 09:44

I am sorry for you macdoodle that you find my relationship with my son pathetic, it's clear to me you have no experience of the close bond between a breastfeeding baby and his/her mother, otherwise you would know it is a very natural beautiful thing, not pathetic! I am very glad I don't work for you either if you find breastfeeding mothers pathetic - how sad for you.

I just find this "Honesty is the best policy, oh my goodness, you musn't LIE!!" attitude rather 12-year-old -girl-at-Sunday-school-naive.Muser, if you think I haven't given a single good reason to lie, you haven't read what I've been saying properly.I have two choices -

1.Tell the truth. The kind of boss I have - he may well say, yeah, fine, don't come. But he may also say, just to be an arse, that's an issue.Need to take it up with HR. Who may say I need to come, and they will provide me with a room to pump, or something. I can then refuse to go, and completely destroy my relationship with my employer, which will cause me ongoing worry.I will also give breastfeeding mothers a bad name by making such a fuss.The whole thing will cause me stress and upset and possibly to the rest of my family too.

2.Lie.Takes 5 minutes to write an email saying I have an appointment. Employer will not think twice.Nobody's hurt, stressed, or upset.

It's the real world out there and I bet some of you wouldn't think twice about lying, in fact I know you wouldn't. But this is mumsnet, where people are hardwired to argue and nitpick. How sad that many of you simply cannot accept my bond with my son and instead your understanding of my sitation is limited to either

1.I am pathetic

  1. I am swooning in self sacrifice
  2. I am using my son as an excuse.

Perhaps those of you who cannot get their heads round this just fail to understand the bond between a mother and her child - that must be it.

OP posts:
Isawthreeships · 23/08/2010 09:45

Cherrycakesparkle - I sympathise. At the same age, my DS was the same. It wasn't ideal but he needed to be fed to sleep and settled by me (we also co-slept). On the occasions I did have to work late, I would come home at 9 or 10 to find him still awake and very distressed.

To say that your DS will survive may be true but very unhelpful, IMO. And somewhat judgy about the fact that your baby is still dependent on you/not taking a bottle etc. Each baby is different, ladies.

Having said that, I also don't think you should lie. It's not worth it. Also, bfing IS normal although it will never be seen as normal if so many mums hide it or lie about it. You need to be honest, explain that you cannot be away from your DS as you are bfing and ask if you could perhaps attend the conference next year instead. You are within your employment law rights to expect some adaptions to be made for you while you are bfing (at whatever age) - shame on those posters who think otherwise.

Original poster
cherrycakesparkle · 23/08/2010 09:46

Appletrees, I read another of your threads recommending ignoring a consultant's advice to an expectant mother in order to get the birth she wanted, in fact you said you'd done this yourself. Not one for self sacrifice, really , then are you?

OP posts:
Appletrees · 23/08/2010 09:47

Lol

rookiemater · 23/08/2010 09:47

Ok OP I am revising my opinion of you, I think you are plenty hard nosed enough to get away with lying, happy now ?

Appletrees · 23/08/2010 09:53

Ooh stalking

You have no idea why I did it.. would you like to know?

Original poster
cherrycakesparkle · 23/08/2010 09:53

If I have to be hardnosed for my son...(swoons in pathetic self sacrifice)

OP posts:
Original poster
cherrycakesparkle · 23/08/2010 09:54

Not really Appletrees, I'm not that interested.

And not sure how reading another thread a few days ago and remembering you from it is stalking...

OP posts:
Appletrees · 23/08/2010 09:57

Then don't assume it was selfishness. And yep very bad form.

Original poster
cherrycakesparkle · 23/08/2010 10:02

Thanks Isawthreeships, appreciate your post.

OP posts:
LeninGrad · 23/08/2010 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.