to lie to work

[cherrycakesparkle]

I go back to work in 3 weeks - 8 till 2 daily. Wish I didn't have to, but I do. A conference has been planned for 2 weeks after that, for the whole team from around the UK. I will have to get up at 3am to leave and would not be back till 11pm that night.

DS is breastfed and pretty full on still. He will be ok at nursery I think with expressed milk but very dependent on me to be fed to sleep and fed through the night. I think he would be distraught to wake up in the night and for me not to be there, also to go to bed with me not there. Sorry if I sound precious, I'm not trying to be.

If I explain this to work I think they will just say, tough, you need to come.

Would IBU to tell a lie and say that I have a hospital appointment on that day that can't be moved? I don't like lying (who does) but to me it's better than leaving DS all day and thinking of him crying and needing me. The conference is just a get together and I can do my job without attending.

Rofl.

Right, must leave you to it (but as you are so taken with my posts) do take a couple of minutes to scroll up the thread where I explain your employers obligations and offer you some useful links if you need.

Will try to check in later just in case you're interested

I really do not believe DS will cope. He is 7m and simply will not understand, he is likely to cry and cry and cry till he falls asleep.I don't know what would be worse actually - the morning or the evening - we co-sleep and if he wakes up and finds me not there he will be utterly distraught.I'm afraid DH would not be able to calm him.

Yes, not ideal that he is so dependent on me - believe me, I've had to pass up several far more exciting opportunities because of this - including my sister's hen weekend - but the way it is for now. I do hope to address this slowly but this will still be the situation in 5 weeks.

LeninGrad - you misunderstand me. I don't think there is an issue with working and bfing, I just mean that one has to accept, if one chooses to return to work, that one can no longer be with ones baby as much, and that baby will cope with that. My issue with cherry was the whole "he won't cope without me" thing - nothing to do with BFing.

sweetheart, honestly they would survive. But don't test it out for this, it's simply not worth it.

Dont lie. Not worth it. Always best to be honest and upfront IMO.

Explain the situation to your manager. Look at alternives... could you take your child with you? arrive later? leave earlier? if flying spend o'night at hotel so closer to plane and less time away from child?

good luck with your decision.

Are you ready to go back to work?

Forget the conference, but will he cope away from you for the time you are at work?

He will cope but it will be hard for you at first. Going away forthat amount of time for the first time back is just too much at once. Yes, he will cope with you returning to work but 3am-11pm is just too much all at once.

I have a boss who is so old-style he wouldn't survive in the UK these days (he's English...) and one of those jobs that requires me to work however long it takes, and to travel...

I'm also a single mother of 2.

I have quite surprised myself with how much travel I have managed to get out of :) yes it is made easier by having colleagues who want to travel (as I did pre-kids) despite it being about 50/50 that you will never make it more than 5 minutes away from the airport.... but I think people (including bosses) do understand that when your children are small, they are going to be your priority - and it may well be that they think of this conference as a jolly too and wouldn't care if you didn't go for once?

If you ask, you have the risk that they say no (and then it looks really obvious if you do lie, or even if you accidentally get sick for real). If you don't ask, you have the risk they either find out you're lying or strongly suspect it - neither option is risk free, one is probably better for your relationship with your employers (and like you, I'd rather not have had to come back - but given you do have to be there, it's easier if you can make the relationship work.)

Good luck.

Yes, I think he will be fine during the day. I have left him with his dad for a few hours at a time before. He won't be fine at night time, though, as I've explained we cosleep and he BFs frequently.

Thank you for understanding tribpot - it is not worth it, you are right.

I have chosen to return to work - financially I have no choice but to choose to - and to work certain hours. Not to leave my baby at night when he needs me. This is NOT about me I repeat, I have just passed up a fantastic weekend away for my sister's hen, which has also pissed her off, but I could not go for his sake.

LeninGrad - of course she is. I did too. My point is that the baby will cope, not that she should snap out of it.

Honestly

EvilTwins, with respect, I know what my ds will and will not cope with. Of course he will survive but it will be a miserable, upsetting experience for him and one I'd rather not put him through.

And by lying (however morally wrong that is, I can live with that for my son's sake) I avoid any bad feeling between me and employer who I can assure you will not suspect a thing, he is far far too busy to think twice about me not attending.

But if I say I don't want to come because I'm BFing.. that could lead to HR being involved, and he may not see that as an acceptable excuse and get arsey. A hospital appointment that I need to attend - you can't argue with that.

How could you do that? Just tell an out and out lie?

I wouldn't lie, but would just say that you would have to leave early to breastfeed your baby at his bedtime. They would be totally unreasonable to say that you had to go.

Open my mouth and speak Appletrees, have you never told a lie in your life?

OP, you've clearly made your mind up. What's the point of continuing to post?

With respect, this is your first child. You don't want to leave him, and I totally get that. But leaving him overnight will not have the dreadful, detrimental consequence you imagine. Also, whilst it is hard to accept, as a new mum, that anyone else can look after your child as well as you can, perhaps you should give your DP a bit of respect and a chance to spend some quality time with his son. DP needs to be able to cope with DS on his own too.

It's not my first child Evil Twins.

I do not want to leave him, and he does not want to be left. I will stop posting now as I feel as if I am banging my head against a brick wall - I knew I would get feedback saying IABU but I did not expect people to accuse me of using my son as an excuse to get out of something, quite a horrible accusation from a rather horrible poster, or to assume they know better than I how my son will react. Of course my ds needs to learn how to be without me at night, I'd rather he did that the slow gentle way rather than the hard, shocking way - I don't see how I can be criticised for that. Lot of rather hard cold ladies out there it seems!

cherry, I just wanted to clarify it was my mistake that this was your first, nothing you said. I do apologise.

You didn't want other people's opinions, though, did you? You just wanted to be able to justify lying. And you didn't get it.

I think you're in a very tricky position, and I don't envy you. I hope you get it sorted, but really do think that honesty would be your best option.

Good luck.