to lie to work

[cherrycakesparkle]

I go back to work in 3 weeks - 8 till 2 daily. Wish I didn't have to, but I do. A conference has been planned for 2 weeks after that, for the whole team from around the UK. I will have to get up at 3am to leave and would not be back till 11pm that night.

DS is breastfed and pretty full on still. He will be ok at nursery I think with expressed milk but very dependent on me to be fed to sleep and fed through the night. I think he would be distraught to wake up in the night and for me not to be there, also to go to bed with me not there. Sorry if I sound precious, I'm not trying to be.

If I explain this to work I think they will just say, tough, you need to come.

Would IBU to tell a lie and say that I have a hospital appointment on that day that can't be moved? I don't like lying (who does) but to me it's better than leaving DS all day and thinking of him crying and needing me. The conference is just a get together and I can do my job without attending.

SPB- If they don't complete a bf risk assessment and take action to minimise any associated risks, then they are neglecting their responsibity for your health and safety, which could leave them vulnerable to litigation if something went wrong as well as invalidating their insurance. For example, you need (and are entitled to) breaks for pumping and a private place to do so. If they don't make allowances for that and you can't pump one day and develop an infection... then you could potentially sue and they would be out of pocket as their insurance wouldn't reimburse them.

That's what concerns me about the OP--if you have to get up at 3 and won't get home until 11, that indicates a really long journey. Would you be able to pump while travelling? If not, it would be uncomfortable (and leaky) to say the least.

ccpccp--if she doesn't attend (or attends only part of the day) because of breastfeeding and is dismissed, that is wrongful dismissal. You cannot discriminate against a breastfeeding mum and pass them over for promotion for that reason.

OP, YABU to lie, but it sounds like you are within your rights not to go, or at least not attend the full day. Speak to HR to find out about their policies and if necessary speak to CAB.

I wouldn't lie i'd just say that you have no childcare outside of your normal work hours.

If they ask about your DH or Parents then just say 'that's not possible' rather than go into detail.

Is there ANY way you can go to part of the conference but without such insane hours - i'm not sure i'd agree to leaving the house just after 3am and not returning till 11pm anyway - i'd be shattered! Longest hours i agree to are leaving house 5.15am and arriving back 8/9pm which is a trip to london for me.

thanks for the clarification - not much applies to me (only bf morning and night) but good to know.
I thought the discrimination thing only applied up to 6months?

Gosh don't lie. That's gross misconduct in many jobs and will just make you feel stressed and panicky.

Have you told your employer you are bfing? If you don't tell they won't ask and won't do a risk assessment. You don't need to tell your boss, you can tell HR and they will sort it out for you.

FWIW if I was your manager and you explained the situation to me I would see if we could find a way to accommodate you so you don't miss out on the conference (it would be discrimination imo to exclude you because you happen to have a bfing baby). So maybe we'd see if you could bring the baby with you, perhaps with a friend or partner and get you a family room so you can all stay over? Or if it was completely impossible I'd make sure you were properly briefed after the conference and as fully informed as possible with copies of presentations etc. However, if you lied to me I'd have you in a disciplinary so fast your feet wouldn't touch the floor and I'd be very upset at the breach of trust.

Please do try to talk to HR if you don't feel you could approach your line manager. Although you should try your line manager first unless there is some horrible situation you've not told us about.

sorry, only bf morning, evening & night on the days I work!

Have I missed something here?

You work for a company and take a wage from them. You have a contract and knew presumably before you were even pregnant that you are required to attend events of this kind. Yet you chose to go back under the same contractual terms.

You can express milk and have a nursery place for your son. Presumably too you have a husband or partner who can feed and care for your child in your absence.

You may be concerned that your son won't settle and might need you to get him to sleep but he isn't going to die for want of you to settle him. Isn't it a bit more about YOUR guilt, albeit misplaced, and YOUR feelings than your son's health and welfare? Again I presume, but can his own father not care for him?

IMO you ither do the job you're contracted to do or you resign and find one you ARE willing to do 100%. Anything less gives women a bad name and stokes the flames of discrimination.

Who can blame companies for not wanting to employ us if this is the type of problem they face?

Valhalla - do we know this stuff is common in the OP's job?
I have been away overnight with work twice in the last 6 years. I'd be stupid to resign before TTC on the off chance one of them would come up at the worst possible time.

I agree don't lie, you have to be honest, offer a compromise if that is possible, e.g. booking a hotel room and staying nearby with LO (might not be poss with childcare though) but you would be in a much better position just to refuse than to lie.

SPB the 6 month thing is often bandied about but IMO it's irrelevent as it relates to the new legislation brought in to protect women breastfeeding in public, not employment law.

As a rule, sex discrimination can be claimed if any individual is treated less favourably or harrassed because they are in a situation which would never happen to a man. ie a man will never take maternity leave or breastfeed so any disadvantage a woman faces because of these situations is sex discrimination.

That said, I think the OP should make every reasonable effort to go and her employer should be helpful.

The NCT, Working Families and Maternity Action all have lots of useful information on this sort of thing. Let me know if you need links OP.

fuzzypicklehead speaks a lot of sense.

I don't think you should lie - these things come back to bite us.

I doubt that your work will be able to guarantee the facilities you need to be able to express at a third party location/on the required journeys and consequently will need to make alternative provision for you (perhaps not attending, perhaps attending for a short period of time to show your face etc).

I would suggest that you approach your employer - pick the person who seems most reasonable and present the issue and all of the potential solutions you can think of.

This leaflet seems like a reasonable place to start.

My experience (and perhaps I am lucky) is that people are more reasonable than you expect them to be and HR departments love to get involved and solve issues like this.

There's no six month limit. In terms of employment law you are classed as a new or expectant mother if you:
a) are pregnant, or
b) have given birth in the last 6 months, or
c) are breastfeeding (no time limit)

It is your responsibility to notify your employer in writing of any of these situations. Only then are they required by law to conduct a risk assessment and make neccessary adjustments to protect the health and safety of you and your baby. Often they are a blit clueless as to their responsibilities so you may need to point it out.

Hope you can sort this out. Good luck!

Thanks JAMM< yes that is what I was thinking of, but I suppose I'm also wondering if a woman started work and saud she was bfing a 3yo they wouldn't be expected to make allowances or allow time to express....would they?
Definitely think if there is a cut off point it needs to be higher than 6mo though - maybe 18mo.

YABU unless you are a single parent with no help whatsoever who cannot get anyone to babysit/give last bottle of the night and settle your child down.

wow x post think that answers my question!
Well I ahve not had a risk assessment yet and am feeding both a 3yo and a 1yo!

You cannot discriminate against a breastfeeding mum and pass them over for promotion for that reason.

but you can pass people over or fire them for misconduct.

I don't think lying is ever a good option.

Ask your work if it would be possible for you to miss this staff conference since you will be gettig used to the new childcare routine.

Then give dp a chance to feed and settle ds one weekend so that you don't instantly panic when similar things come up in the future.

I think you are generally not wanting to go back to work and everything seems a huge obstacle to you. Things will probably seem much mor e manageable to you in a month or two.

I tend to agree with valhalla here

its a tough one for you, BUT some options are:

express an extra bottle every day so there is a stock in hand

then chat with boss and say whilst you can and will attend, its proving difficult and see if there is any leeway, they can either say yes, or no

I think you are acting out of integrity if you lie, and it will come bite you

your baby is 7 months and they WILL survive without you!!!!

its so daunting going back to work first time, but you WILL be fine

but dont lie and fuck up your job

and think of american women who get this shit when their babies are 3 months!!!

I think youre being ridiculous, FFS you are considering lieing to your employers so you can BF your baby to sleep Am sure he can go to bed with an expressed bottle!
I sincerely hope you are not in a job that expects some degree of responsibility and morality!

macdoodle that's a bit unnecessary isn't it?

The baby is 7 months!!
I wouldn't leave my 11 mo yet, unless I absolutely had to 9hospitalisation, last chance to see a dying relative...erm, that's it)

Why Am I not allowed an opinion then?/ Or is this an AIBU where everyone has to agree with the OP........because its about BF, which of course trumps everything else!

No, but calling the OP ridiculous and questioning her responsibility and morality is straying into the realms of personal attack.

well some people dont have a choice do they???
And before anyone flames me because " I dont know" - I BF DD1 for 6 months, even though I had to go back to work when she was 4 months, and I BF DD2 for a year after returning when she was 5 months!
And I managed without lieing to anyone.

No, but when they do have options, so for example, negotiation with work, then IMO they should do that