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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can I just tell you a story and you advise?

133 replies

percysnose · 21/08/2010 23:53

PILs staying with us. They are very passive aggressive, the father much worse. They always take one of the kids out for hours at a time alone. But we don't see much of them, so although the kids are fine with them, when we're there, the kids are not fine with them on their own. But PILs get stroppy if not allowed alone time with the kids.

On the first day, they take out dd1 (4 years old) all day long. dd1 is a bit miserable when she comes home and this morning begs me to come to the park with them and her. She begs for so long in front of them and says dh going too isn't enough so it ends up with me and dh taking dd1 to the park at about 11am just to stop her crying about it, while they wait at home with dd2 (1 year old) who's sleeping. We slip out quite quietly - MIL is in the front room while we go out, though, and definitely seems to watch us walking past her to leave, and dh says he tells MIL to look after dd2.

We get back an hour and a half later, dd2 is in her cot crying. Maybe because she heard the door when we came in. PILs are not there!

They come in at 3.30pm. They are normal and friendly and chatty and don't say anything that would lead you to think they left their baby grandchild alone in a house. I told dh not to mention it to them. Both dh and me are gobsmacked and terrified. dh says they must have known and his dad must have said oh come on they'll be back soon lets go. But when they got in they said 'did you manage to go out? it's a lovely day today'. So they didn't know! But how could they not have known? They knew dd2 was asleep when they left. Wouldn't you call upstairs to make sure we were there? Or walk round the house? Or something?

Anyway because we didn't mention it we can never mention it now. But I am now terrified of leaving them to babysit. Whether it's on purpose or a mistake, this is really important. What would you have done?

OP posts:
booyhoo · 21/08/2010 23:55

are you serious??? i would go through them for a shortcut.

tethersend · 21/08/2010 23:56

Did you sneak out? Confused

MumNWLondon · 21/08/2010 23:56

I think you should mention it but don't make a whole thing about it, sounds like they forgot they were babysitting.

tethersend · 21/08/2010 23:57

How would they know you weren't there if you had left the house without telling them?

FallingWithStyle · 21/08/2010 23:57

They must have known, surely?

tethersend · 21/08/2010 23:57

Did you tell them they were babysitting?

I'm really confused...

kalo12 · 21/08/2010 23:57

I can't believe they would leave the baby alone. Only total morons would do this. sounds to me it was a total confusion.

However, the fact that they want to take one child out all day and the child comes back miserable is enough for me to not want them to babysit.

Why did you tell dh not to mention it to them? Could dh maybe not have made it clear you were leaving the baby?

DuelingFanjo · 21/08/2010 23:59

you say you slipped out. Are you sure DH asked them to look after DD2?

Earlybird · 21/08/2010 23:59

Hmm...

Dh tells them to look after dd2? Why wouldn't he discuss and ask?

Why is your dd1 allowed to insist that both parents accompany to the park and you both comply??

Your PIL should never have left dd2 alone (are you sure they realised?).

Why not say something like 'there must have been a major miscommunication because somehow dd2 was left alone here in the house. What happened??

QueenSconetta · 22/08/2010 00:00

Surely if you were staying with someone you would find them to say bye before you went out?

I would be reluctant to leave them with either of your DCs again TBH.

Do you know how long your DD was on her own for? Hope she is ok, you too.

cupcakesandbunting · 22/08/2010 00:01

You really ought to mention it since you're unsure of whether your PiLs are either neglectful, potty or just whether there was a breakdown in communications.

I would bet it's the latter, though.

abbierhodes · 22/08/2010 00:01

I don't get why you didn't mention it to them.

I don't get why you would leave the house without saying goodbye to them (thus making it clear you weren't in) or why they then left without saying goodbye to you (as they would then have realised you weren't in).

You all sound rather odd.

booyhoo · 22/08/2010 00:03

you have to mention it to them because you will know by their reactions whether it was on purpose or not. you need to know what happened.

NonnoMum · 22/08/2010 00:06

Yes, you all sound a bit loony.
What happened the first day to make DC1 upset?
What did you do until 11am the second day before you went to the park?
Why weren't you explicit in telling your PiLs that you were popping out for an hour?
Why do you label you Pil as passive aggressive when you won't even speak to him?

LittleCheesyPineappleOne · 22/08/2010 00:06

I'm sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick, but...

They are passive-aggressive? Yet, you're the ones sneaking out?

Odd post.

abbierhodes · 22/08/2010 00:06

As for 'what would you have done?'

I'd have rung their mobiles immediately to ask where they were, and why my daughter had been abandoned.

TBH, re-reading,I think you are pretty sure they had no idea you had left the baby sleeping, and you haven't brought it up because you know it's your own fault, not theirs.

I'd guess that as you 'sneaked out' they did not see you go, and assumed you'd taken the baby with you.

nickschick · 22/08/2010 00:07

This is very odd - why didnt you tell them openly you were going? why did both of you have to go? why didnt you take dc2 with you and invite the pils too?

Monty100 · 22/08/2010 00:07

You slipped out quietly without telling gps.

What is your question here??

inveteratenamechanger · 22/08/2010 00:07

Sounds to me like they didn't realise you had gone out. I would mention it, but without being cross or accusing, just say 'cripes, what happened there, eh?'

lizardpoisonsspock · 22/08/2010 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lizardpoisonsspock · 22/08/2010 00:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paisleyleaf · 22/08/2010 00:25

It seems as though they didn't know they were babysitting.
Why 'slip out quietly'? "definately seems to watch us" - it's a very strange and unreliable way to let someone know they are in charge of a baby.

AgentZigzag · 22/08/2010 00:40

Perhaps they knew you'd gone out but didn't want to say anything because they found their hosts 'sneaking out' a bit rude.

Like lizard said, they can't have known they were babysitting, surely your MIL wouldn't be bullied into leaving your baby by your 'passive-aggressive' FIL?

I would find this hard to believe from GPs who obviously enjoy spending time alone with each of their GC?

Unless your 4 YO knows them very very well, a whole day out does sound quite a lot, but if you're not happy with that why have you let them take your DC?

They're your children, and if I didn't feel comfotable with someone taking mine out I would have to say something because I'm ultimately responsible for them. You don't have to cause a major row, but they really might not have a clue how you're thinking (I'm not sure I do really Grin).

Appletrees · 22/08/2010 03:59

I understand and am not entirely sure why you are being treated as weird.

It must have been embarrassing having your child beg, in effect, not to be alone with gps, in front of gps. On top of a strained relationship it must have been chronic. Is this why you slipped out quietly? if you are sure your husband spoke to his mother then the going out could be deliberate, it must be: they may be of a generation that would leave a sleeping baby.

it must be such a terribly tense relationship that you can't talk to them. do you think the dislike is mutual? you need to talk about it but it's up to your dh not you. Or the whole thing could be humiliating for them, they will be very defensive and you will look small. Or your dh could be revealed as the one who screwed up, and pil won't like that to happen in front of you.

IfGraceAsks · 22/08/2010 04:43

I would have a bit of a chat with them, trying to keep it light & cheery. Say they mustn't have realised you'd gone out and you're sorry you hadn't told them - so they must have been upset when they realised DC2 had been alone in the house.

What did DC1 say about why she was fed up after her day out with them. Was it just a big day & she was tired? Or does she say they wandered off without her, wouldn't let her play or something like that?

My assumption on reading your post is that your PILs are a bit like my parents - too self-obsessed to be trusted with children. None of my sibs would let them have the DCs on their own for long, though it was dealt with tactfully. There does seem to be a fairly major communication failure going on all round in your case, though, so I'd try the light chat first and see what transpires.