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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can I just tell you a story and you advise?

133 replies

percysnose · 21/08/2010 23:53

PILs staying with us. They are very passive aggressive, the father much worse. They always take one of the kids out for hours at a time alone. But we don't see much of them, so although the kids are fine with them, when we're there, the kids are not fine with them on their own. But PILs get stroppy if not allowed alone time with the kids.

On the first day, they take out dd1 (4 years old) all day long. dd1 is a bit miserable when she comes home and this morning begs me to come to the park with them and her. She begs for so long in front of them and says dh going too isn't enough so it ends up with me and dh taking dd1 to the park at about 11am just to stop her crying about it, while they wait at home with dd2 (1 year old) who's sleeping. We slip out quite quietly - MIL is in the front room while we go out, though, and definitely seems to watch us walking past her to leave, and dh says he tells MIL to look after dd2.

We get back an hour and a half later, dd2 is in her cot crying. Maybe because she heard the door when we came in. PILs are not there!

They come in at 3.30pm. They are normal and friendly and chatty and don't say anything that would lead you to think they left their baby grandchild alone in a house. I told dh not to mention it to them. Both dh and me are gobsmacked and terrified. dh says they must have known and his dad must have said oh come on they'll be back soon lets go. But when they got in they said 'did you manage to go out? it's a lovely day today'. So they didn't know! But how could they not have known? They knew dd2 was asleep when they left. Wouldn't you call upstairs to make sure we were there? Or walk round the house? Or something?

Anyway because we didn't mention it we can never mention it now. But I am now terrified of leaving them to babysit. Whether it's on purpose or a mistake, this is really important. What would you have done?

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 22/08/2010 10:17

Very strange...if I ask PILs to babysit I grovel and ask nicely and say "are you sure it's OK" about a million times...

thesecondcoming · 22/08/2010 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth · 22/08/2010 10:23

This is mad, from what you have typed it sounds as though they didn't know she was asleep upstairs and they were babysitting.

This is your and your DH's fault. If someone is babysitting for you, they need to know. You need to know they know.

Why are you sneaking off to the park? What happened on the first day? What the Fuck is going on that resulted in a baby left alone in a house?

Sort. It. Out.

tethersend · 22/08/2010 10:23

Imisssleeping makes a very good point.

Are you going to let them babysit again? You are potentially jeopardising your DCs' safety for the sake of a quiet life.

Rows can be made up.

silverfrog · 22/08/2010 10:26

I can't understand why your dh hasn't raised it with his mother, since he was the one to ask/tell/inform her she was babysitting.

my dh has, at best, a fractured relationship with his parents, but in a situation like you describe (which I could see happening all too easily - although ti would be more likely my PIL would have poppe dout for an hour or so and hoped ot beat us home again, so we would be none the wiser) dh would have hit the roof, and clearly discussed why MIl thought it right to go out when he had told her dd2 was aslpeep upstairs.

It is surely the only course of action?

LadyintheRadiator · 22/08/2010 10:31

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

welshdeb · 22/08/2010 10:32

So you talked to mil about dd2 going out with you/dh/dd1 and said dd2 is isnt coming as its her sleep time and she will be for a while.
I think from that its pretty clear they knew she was in the house.

You say you have a small house so they knew you hadn't come back.

So either they took that as a cue from you that she didn't need any looking after as she would be asleep for quite some time and it was therefore ok to go out (as parents of their generation used to do) OR they took exception to you going out with dd1 and went off in a passive agressive sulk.

I think you need to find out which it was.

If its the former then you need to tell them that its not ok to do that.
Ifs its the lattter I would be serioulsy considering never leaving either of the dc in their sole care again.

HowAnnoying · 22/08/2010 10:33

Your DH is lying through his teeth.

If they get upset because they want to spend more time with their GCs then I cannot beleive they would leave the house knowing baby was there alone.

And what on earth are you doing leaving the house without saying that little word "bye" Confused

Also if my PIL were taking care of DS2 who was asleep I would be saying "he should stay asleep, but if he wakes do this that and the other, is that OK? OK great thanks, wont be long, bye!"

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 22/08/2010 10:34

You say they are passive aggressive.

Yet you and DH failed to mention that a major miscommunication or passive aggressive act or gross memory error had occurred - sorry but that is as passive as passive gets.

The whole family needs improved communication.

Including learning to say no to a begging child.

The only thing in your favour here is the fact your DH was also horrified. Many DH's would excuse PIL's appalling behaviour and many wives would be left in the baddie role.

Do not even consider letting them have sole charge of any of your children until you figure this out. You could be dealing with dementia, some kind of folie a deux mental illness, you just don't know.

percysnose · 22/08/2010 10:36

"If not, surely it must have looked a bit rude. One minute, they are talking about taking DD out to the park, the next minute you and your DH have taken her out, leaving them behind with no explanation."

Totally agree. I don't think it was well done. That was why I started worrying about it being a response to that when I was analysing it.

"when you say you assumed DH told them you were going out. It is a joint responsibility to make sure your children are looked after."

I don't know about this. It wouldn't really have occurred to me to check when I thought he was telling them we were going out, or to ask him how he'd framed it - at the time, I mean.

The overwhelming likelihood is that it is our fault and there was somehow a miscommunication and in the future we need to be clearer. But the overwhelming result is that I can't help being really uneasy and worried about it all. As I said, it's actually quite comforting that most people think we are the idiots, if you know what I mean.

OP posts:
slouchingtowardswaitrose · 22/08/2010 10:37

Also, you need to get the concept of 'official handover.'

Whenever you take your eyes off your child, communicate directly with the person you expect to take responsibility for the child from that moment forward. Including in shops, etc, where it is very easy to assume your partner is looking after the child while you go get something from another aisle.

Ask the person to be responsible, and wait for clear verbal confirmation.

mjinhiding · 22/08/2010 10:38

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gorionine · 22/08/2010 10:40

OP if I was really certain they accepted to baysit, there is absolutely no way I would not have confronted them. Imagine you had stayed half a hour extra in the opark because your DD was having fun and your little one had woken up, completely alone. No way I would stay quiet for the sake of not having a row. I am very non confrontational but this is far too important to be not talked about.Sadly it is probably too late now.

thesecondcoming · 22/08/2010 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 22/08/2010 10:42

I can't believe you didn't say something. How could you not have remarked upon finding your baby alone in the house?! [confused}

Rockbird · 22/08/2010 10:42

I have to say, if I'd got back and found my baby on her own, I would have exploded, even if it was me in the wrong. Muttering 'oh dear' under my breath and not telling anyone else wouldn't be an option, I'd be horrified that she was alone. Everyone would know about it.

LittleMissHissyFit · 22/08/2010 10:43

Now that this event has passed, you need to get to the bottom of it.

You need to ask them why they went out. leaving the baby asleep.

Calmly and matter of factly.

Then, if you DH is telling the truth and they were fully aware of your baby upstairs, you need to explain why it's illegal to leave a child and what could have happened.

If you don't have the balls strength to tackle them on it at the time, then you MUST get to the bottom of it now that the heat has gone out of the situation.

IF they did knowingly leave your DD alone, and don't 'get' why this is a bad thing, then tbh then you need not allow them solo supervision again.

Also, as for your DD1, I'd be highly worried as to why she hates being alone with them so much. Why IS that? My son adores his GP loves to spend as long as possible with them.

Your DD clearly becomes very disturbed at the thought of being left alone with her GP. What do they do to her when they are alone with her?

LittleMissHissyFit · 22/08/2010 10:44

I meant to add, perhaps the learning to say NO, needs to be practiced on your PIL. They sound scary.

mjinhiding · 22/08/2010 10:46

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Isawthreeships · 22/08/2010 10:47

Agree with slouching - you should always do a proper handover. Or check that your DH has done one (and he should do the same - that way, there are never any stuff ups).

Also, although it is great to hear that you are taking responsibility for your side in the affair, I don't think it should be swept under the carpet. What on earth are you going to do next time PILs ask to take one of your DCs out? Are you going to refuse for the next 17 years? You need to have the conversation with them IMO.

I do sympathise. I have relatives who are very similar and always opt for the 'least said soonest mended' approach. It is incredibly frustrating because if we raise an issue with them somehow we always end up looking like the bad guys for starting an argument. But, I do think the safety of your children comes first in this case.

HowAnnoying · 22/08/2010 10:47

HIssyfit - Just sounds to me her DD wanted mummy to go with her to park and she had a tantrum about it (knowing that mummy will cave in). Maybe she just finds her GPs boring rather than anything more sinister.

rainbowinthesky · 22/08/2010 10:50

Are you and your dh young? Between you, you need to gain the confidence to take control of the parenting of your children. It is absolutely your and your dh's responsibility to ensure your dc have competent childcare at all times.
This includes a discussion with all adults about what happened here.

Imisssleeping · 22/08/2010 10:51

Could you please answer my previous post.
Why, why, why don't you ask them what happened?
What are you going to do in the future?
I fear for your Dc's, I really do !

percysnose · 22/08/2010 10:54

Well look, to say lessons have been learned in handover technique is an understatement. I'm not trying to offload responsibility here (but I'm respectfully not agreeing with the few posts about how much I give in to dd1's tantrums. It wasn't a tantrum, she was asking me, and it isn't a huge request when she'd had a long day the day before. If she doesn't want a repeat of it, that's that). I'm grateful for all the posts suggesting how it should be done, and we will talk about it a lot before going on. I know non-confrontational people can drive straight-thinking people mad, but we all have our own fuck-ups. The importance of this goes without saying - agree very much with the asking of the question, do we just now deny solo access for the next 17 years, thanks for that perspective. Thanks for the opinions.

OP posts:
HowAnnoying · 22/08/2010 10:56

My bet is still on DH not doing what he said he did!

The whole situation sounds odd though. I can't imagine not saying goodbye when leaving anyone in my house with baby. Bizarre.