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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can I just tell you a story and you advise?

133 replies

percysnose · 21/08/2010 23:53

PILs staying with us. They are very passive aggressive, the father much worse. They always take one of the kids out for hours at a time alone. But we don't see much of them, so although the kids are fine with them, when we're there, the kids are not fine with them on their own. But PILs get stroppy if not allowed alone time with the kids.

On the first day, they take out dd1 (4 years old) all day long. dd1 is a bit miserable when she comes home and this morning begs me to come to the park with them and her. She begs for so long in front of them and says dh going too isn't enough so it ends up with me and dh taking dd1 to the park at about 11am just to stop her crying about it, while they wait at home with dd2 (1 year old) who's sleeping. We slip out quite quietly - MIL is in the front room while we go out, though, and definitely seems to watch us walking past her to leave, and dh says he tells MIL to look after dd2.

We get back an hour and a half later, dd2 is in her cot crying. Maybe because she heard the door when we came in. PILs are not there!

They come in at 3.30pm. They are normal and friendly and chatty and don't say anything that would lead you to think they left their baby grandchild alone in a house. I told dh not to mention it to them. Both dh and me are gobsmacked and terrified. dh says they must have known and his dad must have said oh come on they'll be back soon lets go. But when they got in they said 'did you manage to go out? it's a lovely day today'. So they didn't know! But how could they not have known? They knew dd2 was asleep when they left. Wouldn't you call upstairs to make sure we were there? Or walk round the house? Or something?

Anyway because we didn't mention it we can never mention it now. But I am now terrified of leaving them to babysit. Whether it's on purpose or a mistake, this is really important. What would you have done?

OP posts:
YunoYurbubson · 22/08/2010 10:57

So, when PiL came back that evening they were thinking one of 3 things:
i) they were not aware the baby had been left alone
ii) they were aware but thought it was fine
iii) they were aware, and they knew it was a shitty thing to do.

They must have said "hello", or "how was your day?", or "how was the park?" or "what's for tea?" or something, they must have made some verbal overture, so how was your reply not "Something awful happened today, somehow dd was left alone in the house".

?

Can't wrap my head around a scenario where it would be fine not to bring it up.

HowAnnoying · 22/08/2010 10:58

How can you deny solo access when you won't get to the bottom of what happened?

Imisssleeping · 22/08/2010 11:01

There in lies the problem with non-confontational people, nothing gets resolved.

you don't have to confront them, just ask a simple little question really.
Otherwise what are you going to do next time they want to take your Dc's out? Alone? All day?

Appletrees · 22/08/2010 11:06

I agree with Animation. There is some shocking behaviour out there and it isñct outside the bounds of possibility that it was deliberate. A lot of posters forget that this shock at leaving a baby alone is fairly recent, in some ways. Pils may not think it's so bad ... but know that you do and will ne upset. I wouldn't address it before dh has had a good go at it.

God you are getting a flaming. You actually sound thoughtful, confused and troubled.

Appletrees · 22/08/2010 11:09

What I mean is, they would have known it was extremely unlike any harm would co.e to dd2, but would have been fully aware it would put you in seven fits. If this is the case they need to be co.fronted without shame by your husband.

DetectivePotato · 22/08/2010 11:12

Right so your DH did ask them to look after DC2. They saw you with the bike etc walk past them (or MIL did) then when you got back they had buggered off!?

I'm sorry but I would have hit to roof! If your DH asked them to watch DC2, they knew damn well that you were not in the house and they were left there with DC2.

I would be phoning them to get their side of the story and then they would never ever be taking my DCs alone anywhere again and I would be telling them that too. I wouldn't give a toss of their reaction etc. Nothing is more important than the welfare of your children and these GPs clearly cannot be trusted. I would also be very concerned as to why your DD was so upset at the thought of going out with them again. Clearly something happened.

WTF is wrong with these people!!!! I cannot believe this tbh! (Not saying you are lying OP, but that your ILs could actually do this).

abbierhodes · 22/08/2010 11:13

You sound scarily calm to me OP. It is not about being 'non-confrintational' or otherwise, it's about a normal human response to finding your child in a dangerous situation.

One of three things is going on here:

  1. you know it was your fuck up and are terrified to admit to yourself just how bad it is.
  1. You are treated pretty badly by these people all the time, so much so that it has clouded your judgement as to what is acceptable and what isn't...
  1. You are making this up.

Also, just to add...the fact that you keep saying 'DH says he told her' tells me that deep down, you know for certain that he didn't. If I was telling this story, I would simply say 'DH told her...' as if he said that he did, to me, that would be good enough to state as a fact.

HowAnnoying · 22/08/2010 11:18

Why don't you tell your DH that you're going to ask PIL what happened and see what is reaction is to that.

Heracles · 22/08/2010 11:45

How massive is your house??

clam · 22/08/2010 11:52

You know, it sounds to me as though they knew perfectly well you'd gone out, and that the baby was upstairs asleep and that they were making a point. Horrific, but possible.

I thought they were meant to be taking DD to the park, but then she kicked off about it, wanting you and DH to go along too. Your ILs might have been hurt/hacked off about that, rightly or wrongly. Then they see you slip off unannounced, with little or no mention (dodgy evidence here on behalf of your DH) of what's happening to the baby. They're miffed.

They then think (incredibly??), "well, if we've not been asked officially to babysit, or if we're only good enough for certain tasks, then we'll go out." Shock
I think the fact that MIL asked when she got back if you'd managed to get out after all, when according to you, she saw you go indicates her trying to set her defence out. As in, how can we be expected to babysit when we didn't know you'd gone out?

And how can you raise it, when it all begs the question of you slipping off out to the park (bit rude, actually, but stemming from the issue of DD not having had a good time the previous day) without sorting it all out in the open with them.
But, if this is what happened, then I really think you have to. Or rather, your DH has to.
Everyone is at fault here, you for being unclear and trying to avoid a scene, but them (much more so) for leaving a baby alone for a long period of time just to make a point. Scary.

booyhoo · 22/08/2010 11:58

my gut reaction is also that they knew she was there and that you had gone out. and afetr reading your later posts i feel even more convinced about that.

you need to ask them what happened. you need to know if you can trust these people. also, what happened to make your dd beg not to be left alone with them? i would be asking alot of questions.

Appletrees · 22/08/2010 12:04

I think clam is right.

tobytortoise · 22/08/2010 12:07

They must have known you'd gone out. Surely, otherwise, when they left the house they would have looked for you to say goodbye to? They wouldn't just 'sneak out' if they were staying with you and DH?

Morloth · 22/08/2010 12:08

The whole thing is bloody stupid, stop dicking around and being non-confrontational, your baby was left alone for a long time, what if you had decided to have an ice cream or lunch, she could have been there for hours.

You are insane if you think this doesn't need sorting out. My money is also on your DH trying to cover his tracks, because unless they are really fucking stupid or just plain evil no-one in their right minds walks out and leaves a baby alone.

Morloth · 22/08/2010 12:08

They might have thought the OP had taken both kids when they went out tobytortoise, I would have.

percysnose · 22/08/2010 12:23

I think clam is dead right. But I don't want to.

OP posts:
benbenandme · 22/08/2010 12:24

Was te front door locked hen you got back?? If it was, then why would they have locked it if they thought you were still indoors? [ink] If it wasn't then they thought you were still in the house.

percysnose · 22/08/2010 12:24

I mean I don't want to think it. Anyway, we'll see what happens. We'll talk today.

OP posts:
traceybath · 22/08/2010 12:33

Ok - someone is telling fibs - its either your DH or its your pil's.

If my DH had told his mother to look after dc2 and we came home to baby upstairs and no adults in the house - he would have hit the roof and been on the phone to them straight away.

So I do wonder if your DH actually said anything because his response just doesn't ring true to me.

goldenticket · 22/08/2010 12:36

There is a saying:

assume makes an ass of u and me

which seems very appropriate in this instance. There's an awful lot of assuming which I think has gone on on both sides and I have learnt over the years that you cannot assume anything when it comes to arrangements for childcare.

Look, it happens. Chalk it up, have a chat with them (it really doesn't have to be confrontational) and everyone's learnt something for next time.

Re crying DC1 - my DD2 aged 7 will still cling to my leg wailing if left with PILs. I know she adores them and will have a lovely time with them (I also know that she can come home seemingly miserable as kids can quite often hold themselves together when parents are not around but all the tiredness etc. comes out as soon as they see you). It's going to be more difficult for your PILs as they don't see your kids so often but it's great that they want to forge a good relationship with them.

I think all you have to do is establish whether they deliberately left DD2 alone in the house and whether they did because (a) they used to do it with DH and he didn't come to any harm; or (b) they wanted to spite or get back at you.

If (a), a good explanation is needed and job done.

If (b), no more looking after either DC on their own.

Do let us know please and good luck Smile

YunoYurbubson · 22/08/2010 12:36

Oooh, good point, was the door locked?

YunoYurbubson · 22/08/2010 12:37

OP what did you reply when Mil asked if you managed to get out in the end?

goldenticket · 22/08/2010 12:38

I don't think OP's DH is necessarily telling fibs - I think he has told his Mum or Dad but assumed they'd heard and understood.

clam · 22/08/2010 13:09

Erm..... re: the locked door. I know it could prove intent, but which is worse? To leave a baby alone in a locked house? Or an unlocked one?

kerstina · 22/08/2010 13:21

Is it possible they just forgot and maybe did not hear DH say you were both going out? My moms short term memory has really got worse lately.
Personally i don't think it was anything more sinister and it would have been much better to raise it as they will try and be more aware as you and your Dh will be about who is actually in charge of the kids at any given time.