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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to stay friends with an ex?

307 replies

Explorer · 20/08/2010 15:49

In brief, an ex and I were together for eight years, and we split up five years ago. It was painful at first but we worked through the difficult times to become close and supportive friends. He's now married, with a baby. I'm really pleased for him - he always wanted to settle down. He's a brilliant devoted dad and it's lovely to see. The difficulty is that his wife has always felt so incredibly threatened by our friendship, and has put all sorts of conditions on it. She has barely ever even managed to be polite to me, she uninvited me from their wedding, she has stipulated that we are only "allowed" to see each other once a month (if that), and on the few occasions when I have visited their house she has never made me welcome (eating separately from us, making snide comments, turning the TV on loudly when we were talking, etc). I often end up feeling really upset after these visits - but the friendship matters to me and I guess it's worth sometimes feeling crap for.
Am I being unreasonable to hope that she would be able to trust him enough to see our friendship as just a friendship, nothing threatening, not something that she has to try to control or destroy? AIBU to hope that she would try to be friendly to me out of kindness to him? I realise that she feels jealous and insecure, but AIBU to think that she doesn't have to act out her feelings like a spoilt toddler?

OP posts:
emmyloulou · 21/08/2010 19:42

It's not the continuing of the friendship crisproll, it's the going behind her back, then confiding in the friend and all the rest of it.

Plus I bet there is more to it, he chose to marry her did he not? OP has hardly been accurate from "she often makes me feel uncomfortable at home", to "I have only been twice".

The guy married the woman through choice, so should stop trying to hurt her and confiding in another woman especially the ex about her faults, it's really wrong. I bet he is not painting op in roses to his wife, infact I'd be bloody sure of it, he is a player.

MissMarjoribanks · 21/08/2010 19:51

Absolutely, peeringintothevoid. I can't quite believe some of what I'm reading here.

Glitterknickaz · 21/08/2010 19:53

has there been any evidence in this thread f the spouse having feelings for the ex and vice versa?

littledutchchicken · 21/08/2010 19:56

IMHO he's using both of you. He has the benefit of a dw at home with a baby who he keeps feeling insecure by insisting on continuing a relationship with you when she is clearly uncomfortable with it.

He is using you because you remind him of the days when he was young and carefree. From your posts it sounds as though you still hanker after him and he knows it. He betrays his wife by confiding in you and making plans with you to manipulate his wife. Scheming with him is condescending and selfish but it is making you feel important to him. Sorry but you are being used even if you have know each other since you were children.

If his wife is not happy with your continued relationship then you should respect her wishes, after all he chose to marry her - there must have been something that he liked. If he is a true friend then I don't understand why you are participating in the destruction of his marriage - unless that's what you want.

You need to make your own life and new friends.

Glitterknickaz · 21/08/2010 19:58

I hasten to add that at the first sign of wishing to take it further on either part would constitute infidelity and therefore another issue entirely... and to be dealt with entirely differently.

SouthMum · 21/08/2010 20:02

think its just the fact that they are being a bit snidey about it Glitter. Can see why given the wifes reactions, but I can also see why the wife is taking it a bit hard. She probably objects to being treated like an idiot with the "gettting used to me" crapola.

Bet my house she wasn't too bad at the start, something might have happened or been said to make her a bit suspicious. Might be a case of chicken and egg here but either way they have a kid and this could eat away at her until she cant take it anymore and throws her H and OP together when really a friendship is not as important as a family that might not have otherwise broken apart.

Great for OP (Hmm) but not so great for the broken family.

sungirltan · 21/08/2010 20:24

agrre also re the 'getting used to me' horsepoo.

long term friends are one thing. exes are something else entirely.

also if the op and the ex had been friends for 8 years but dated for 2 monnths or similar that would be different but otherwise its like being best friends with your ex wife! which unless you have dc is a bit odd.

thesecondcoming · 21/08/2010 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby · 21/08/2010 21:09

It that situation I'd be uncomfortable. I'd worry that he was better friends with the ex than me, that she knew him better than me. It would eat me up. And while think I'd try to control that and be nice, and trust him etc, I KNOW something might set me off sometimes. I want to be the one my DH relies on, the one he can share secrets with etc, and visa versa. If I thought there was any danger of him being more likely to share things with his friend then I would be hurt. EVEN if rationally I knew it was likely because they had been friends for so long. It would still hurt.

All the people in the OP are only human and all are being just a bit unreasonable (which adds up to lots!).

DH didn't like that I went out on my own with my friends without him... he thought we should do everything together (because this is what his parents did), and I erm firmly disagreed several times, while respecting his views... Upshot was I can go out wherever, and he doesn't really mind. He realised I don't go out very often, and that I wasn't excluding him.

I am thankful I don't have any ex's (yet, lol), and neither does dh (yet, again, lol).

WidowWadman · 22/08/2010 09:08

I'm actually amazed how a lot of people on here regard friendship as something so disposable.

NestaFiesta · 22/08/2010 09:18

Widow- but this is no ordinary friendship. They were lovers for 8 years and IMO they are both letting the friendship become more important than his marriage/wife/child.

As one wise poster said earlier, how often does he take his wife out if he is taking OP out once a month?

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 22/08/2010 09:27

i dont think they are nesta. imo its irrelevant whether they were lovers, they arent anymore. should he have to give up a male friend that he saw once a month? should the op have to stop seeing a childhood female friend because their dh didnt like her?

as far as i can see the op was friends since childhood with this man, they had a relationship which didnt work out (and those reasons havent disappeared) they were mature enough to stay friends. he then met his dw who was fine when he stressed how important his friendship was to him. they get married but the dw still doesnt like the op. the op wanted advice on trying to be friends with the wife, she certainly doesnt deserve some of the vitirol thats she's recieved. ffs anyone would think they were having an affair. save your shock and contempt for someone who deserves it!

emmyloulou · 22/08/2010 09:33

Tlotgk. That's the point, male or female, ex or not, if I felt my DH had a stronger relationship with someone other than me, to the point that they were slagging me of behind my back and colluding to manipulate me, I'd be bloody furious, no matter who it was.

That kind of relationship and betrayl is not healthy for any marriage, be it female/male, ex or not.

Like I said previously op's story has been rather wishy washy and not quite adding up, so I wouldn't be suprised if we could hear the other side of the story, to learn there is probably more to it and maybe the DW does have reason to be suspicious of her intentions. I am and I have only heard her POV.

I don't have a problem with the whole ex/friends thing btw but I can see from this thread it's probable not all that straight forward.

crisproll2 · 22/08/2010 09:37

He doesn`t take the OP out once a month. They meet up once a month! Or is the presumption that because the OP is a woman she has to be taken out.

This is the 21st century isn`t it? Have we not moved on at all?

The idea that being married gives you the right to control your husband/wife is out dated.

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 22/08/2010 09:37

emmy, i do agree with your first paragraph, (although i dont really see much wrong with discussing marital issues with your friends) its not theop who is doing this though. her loyalty is to her friends his should be to his wife. but its not the op's fault that he is being a twunt. seriously though op (if you ever come back) stop going round there. it will make things worse. stay friends with him and be civil when you see his wife. thats all you can do.

WidowWadman · 22/08/2010 09:39

"Tlotgk. That's the point, male or female, ex or not, if I felt my DH had a stronger relationship with someone other than me, to the point that they were slagging me of behind my back and colluding to manipulate me, I'd be bloody furious, no matter who it was."

Do you never talk to any of your friends about your husband, or any issues you might have? Is your husband really the only person you ever confide in?

I don't get where people here see "slagging off" or "colluding to manipulate"

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 22/08/2010 09:51

dh has been away this weekend, last night some of my best friends came round - including my ex. we drank wine and chatted/reminisced/. shall i get my bell and board now?

emmyloulou · 22/08/2010 09:56

Exactly he is the biggest idiot of them all. I talk to people about my DH, I don't slag him off in the respect he does to op though.

I may moan about the sweaty socks after the gym, I don't start attacking his personality or questioning him as a person, if I have issues like that I talk to him, not my longterm friend who happens to be an ex. I wouldn't talk about him in that manner to anyone.

I think even op has used the term "disloyal" in here somewhere as his actions could be taken, so why continue to join in?

It's the whole them vs her situation which is bad, it should be the other way around she is not married to him.

The whole situation of meeting up and talking in private of what they can do to twist round wifey to their POV is all rather sinister IMO, both controlling and manipulative.

I have always said in this thread, I think he is a player and playing them both.

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 22/08/2010 10:07

tbh, i dont think anyone in the scenario is blameless. things like banning the op from the wedding (his day too) are unfair to the dh. it implies that she doesnt trust him. the op shouldnt go round to the house when the dw is so obviously uncomfortable with her. its her (dw) home too. and the dh shouldnt be playing the two women off against each other.

emmyloulou · 22/08/2010 10:12

No, no-one is blameless, but I'd still be enclined to think there is more too it, due to the inaccuracies in posted events.

No-one is blameless but OP should be the bigger person IMVHO and say ok he married her, he had a child with her, that should be his priority and back off.

Meeting up with him to discuss how to twist her around to their pov, whilst he plays them both off against one anthor is not ideal.

Op needs a lightbulb moment.

dignified · 22/08/2010 10:17

Im really surprised to see the amount of people who think its the wifes problem. If my H was discussing me in that way and disrespecting me , he would be out, whether that was to an ex, a colleaugue or a neighbour or whatever.

I wouldnt put up with this shit from a hanger on ex or a partner. Its really not ok to shove yourself down someones throat when they dont like you.

The ops referances to " us , we, and he thinks this and that ect " are quite stomach churning actually.

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 22/08/2010 10:25

hmm, im sorry, i just dont see why she should back off and leave them to it. it is entirely possible to combine friendships with marriage. they just need to alter the way they approach it.

the op needs to stop trying to make the dw like her. never gonna happen. be a good friend and try not to make the situation worse.

the dh needs to grow a pair and speak to his wife. his family must come first (noone is disputing that) but he is entitled to have friends outside his marriage. it shows maturity to be able to work through the debris of a break up and salvage a v good friendship. but most importantly he needs to stop treating his wife like a puppy that needs socializing and stop manipulating them both.

the dw needs to look at their relationship and decide hwether or not she trusts him. the op hasnt been sprung on her ffs, she knew about their history. tell the dh that she would prefer it if they met away from the home, not behave like some bleeding martyr.

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 22/08/2010 10:26

but she is talking about them as a plural! and why shouldnt the wife take some blame too?

NestaFiesta · 22/08/2010 10:34

crisproll- taken out/going out with/meeting up, how I phrased it isn't really the point. MY DH takes me out and sometimes I take him out.

I would like to know that if he can find time to see OP alone once a month (or once every 5-6 weeks), then I wonder if he can do the same with DW? Once you have a baby, a social life gets harder. I think it must be hard for DW to stay home with the baby whilst her husband and OP go out together/meet up/see each other alone.

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 22/08/2010 10:37

but there is nothing stopping the dw from going out with her friends too. i agree that the dh should make the effort with his dw and make sure that thbey get some nights out, but he is entitled to see the op too. would it be wrong if he went out once a month to watch football? or for a few drinks with his male friends?