...to want to stay friends with an ex?

[Explorer]

In brief, an ex and I were together for eight years, and we split up five years ago. It was painful at first but we worked through the difficult times to become close and supportive friends. He's now married, with a baby. I'm really pleased for him - he always wanted to settle down. He's a brilliant devoted dad and it's lovely to see. The difficulty is that his wife has always felt so incredibly threatened by our friendship, and has put all sorts of conditions on it. She has barely ever even managed to be polite to me, she uninvited me from their wedding, she has stipulated that we are only "allowed" to see each other once a month (if that), and on the few occasions when I have visited their house she has never made me welcome (eating separately from us, making snide comments, turning the TV on loudly when we were talking, etc). I often end up feeling really upset after these visits - but the friendship matters to me and I guess it's worth sometimes feeling crap for.
Am I being unreasonable to hope that she would be able to trust him enough to see our friendship as just a friendship, nothing threatening, not something that she has to try to control or destroy? AIBU to hope that she would try to be friendly to me out of kindness to him? I realise that she feels jealous and insecure, but AIBU to think that she doesn't have to act out her feelings like a spoilt toddler?

ok, wasnt ideal (am no novelist ) but you get my point?! noone has the right to say who their partner can be friends with.

If the boot was on the other foot and it was a man stopping a woman from seeing her friend you'd all be up in arms about it, accusing him of being a bullying, insensitive, controlling bully.

How ironic.

Lady, I see what you are saying but, a 'try it out' relationship for eight years? I may be very odd but to me, that is a serious relationship!

Secondly, the person you should be able to rely on absolutely is actually your DH!

If there are no other controlling/manipulative signs ie: you have other friends, male and female that your DH is ok with, I would have to ask myself what is it about this particular friend that is a problem? Has my Dh spotted something in my friend that has given him cause for concern? Maybe he is genuinely concerned about something but can't quite put his finger on it?

Personally, I have no real experience of this situation as I was DH's first girlfriend and he was my first serious one. In our day living together wasn't really something that most people did and as I was still at school when I met him, the issue didn't arise anyway. I just feel that the wife in this situation clearly is uncomfortable about this, probably more so at the moment, and neither the husband nor the ex are really respecting her feelings. I hope that if I were ever in the situation, I would be telling my ex to sort out his marriage, respect his wife and withdraw gracefully.

Nope hercules if I knew DH was really uncomfortable with a situation, I wouldn't try and push him out further, colluding with this person on how to manage him like he were a chess piece in our game.

I just wouldn't do it, why would I want to do that to him?

i have to go to mils for lunch now i do understand what team wife are saying, its a nasty situation for all, my guess is that she thought it was ok and/or the friendship would fizzle out, now it hasnt and she has had a new baby, is feeling fat and frumpy while in comes glamorous child-free explorer and it makes her feel like shite. i get that, i really do. i just dont think its right to be allowed to veto your dp's friends and im surprised at how many mners would accept it from their dh's.

I'd never try and decide who my DP could be friends with. Sounds incredibly unhealthy to me.

For the record, I get on famously with all my significant exes.

I can't really get y head around this. I wanted to stay friends with an ex, it caused problems in both marriages, we don't talk anymore. Surely that is the right thing to do, you put your husband/wife first?

Not done a runner.
The original post wasn't an exaggeration. Where I'm from, "the few occasions" means the rare occasions. My friend wanted me to start going to his house partly so that he's not leaving his wife looking after their son on her own while he goes out. I've now been to their house twice. I've met my friend's wife about a dozen times though, at my friend's old house, in the pub, etc. Where she's often made me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. More recently, when I've been to their house, she's made really snide comments. Maybe she felt cornered or trapped so resorted to passive aggression. So I'm going to tell friend that I think it's a bad idea for me to go to theirs until/unless she's able to be ok with it.
Both of their parents live nearby and babysit often, so yes, they do have a lot of opportunity to go out together and spend time together.

He doesn't slag her off to me (where the hell have you got that idea?), even if he wanted to (which I doubt) I wouldn't listen to it. And I don't slag her off to him, why would I want to put him in that position? He has told me how upset she is about us being friends, but not in a nasty way. He loves her! And as for having a dim view of her, well, I don't think what she's doing wrt me is OK, but I know that all she shows me is her bad side. I know that she makes my friend happy, and so there must be lots of stuff about her that's brilliant. We're pretty different, but I like most people, and I want to like her. I've got absolutely nothing to gain from assuming the worst of her, because I want my friend to have as happy a life as he can.
And in there's no going behind her back. We're not plotting against her. He's just asked that I try to do a few things that he hopes will make things better for both of them. I have no idea why that seems sinister. If he couldn't be arsed to try to make things better surely that would be worse?
He doesn't play down his happily married dad life, he loves it. His eyes shine when he talks about his son and his wife, and I'm happy for him. We don't have the sort of friendship in which you pretend that things are miserable so that the other doesn't get jealous.
NestaFiesta yes, I think feelings are just feelings. I don't dismiss them, but sometimes it's not OK to act on them. I work in palliative care, and sometimes the people I work with have so much sadness, fear and pain (and sometimes anger) that I want to get as far away from it all as possible, or want to scream at someone's relatives for being absent or insensitive. I feel sad or angry or whatever but my feelings are just feelings - what matters is the person I'm working with.
If I were the wife in this situation, yes I'd feel jealous, yes I'd feel insecure. Maybe I'd struggle to like my husband's friend. But I'd spend time with her, get to know her, try my hardest to find things about her that I could get on with. Because even if it's painful, it's the right thing to do.

But she doesn't seem to want to get to know you...

Well no, obviously. I'm not saying she should want to get to know me, I'm just saying that that's what I'd do.
When I wrote Because even if it's painful, it's the right thing to do. I didn't mean that I think getting to know ex is "the right thing to do". Badly worded, sorry. I meant that dealing with my feelings without trying to control who my husband is friends with is the right thing to do. IMO.

OP: "Because even if it's painful, it's the right thing to do."

Why must the dw do the right thing but not YOU! What makes you think the laws of morality only apply to her. Honestly, in the face of overwhelming opinion, there is none so deaf ...

I appreciate your reply Explorer- fair play, it takes some guts to come back and reply when feelings are running so high.

However, it seems that her feeelings are inconveniently getting in the way of what you want. Some people are OK with spouses staying friends with exes, I would not be and neither would my DH. It works for some, it wouldn't work for us.

What puzzles me is that you seem to understand the wife's feelings ie If I were the wife in this situation, "yes I'd feel jealous, yes I'd feel insecure". But you still plough on regardless. She's not going to like you, give it up.

You have eight years of shared sex and memories and romance with her husband and every time she sees you, its in the room and in his mind. I don't blame her, she's put up with a lot more than I would have.

OP I am the long term BEST FRIEND of someone who i have NEVER had a relationship with and his dp is uncomfortable about our friendship so I have let it slide in the hope that within time she may be more comfortable spending time with me. SHE is more important than ME now which is what YOU dont seem to get.

What I suspect is worrying her is that you seem to have very little empathy for her and the huge great long posts on here going again and again "I am not a threat, I dont feel like that".......

Yes you are and you know it. You clearly care a GREAT DEAL for him and see his wife as interfering in YOUR relationship with him - and I have read all of your posts. You need to examine the truth behind why this bothers you so much - I suspect then you might be able to be honest enough to see why it bothers her.

Yes, prettyfly, OP is clearly in some lunatic form of denial.

Do you post endlessly about men you dont care about blueshoes - do you refuse to see why another mans wife wont accept you, even though she will everyone else. Its not lunatic but it is human - op cares more then perhaps she should and needs to let go.

Oh and that isnt meant nastily - its purely for your sake op - if it is just now and then that you cant see him anymore why are you so bothered....

It is a open and shut case to me. Would hardly be worth spending any time arguing with harpies over. The fact that she keeps scratching at the same wound over and over again suggests denial to me, lunacy is human too.

Explorer, youve mentioned that if you were in her shoes youd feel jealous and insecure . Why ? in other posts youve said she behaves like a spolit brat, is selfish and jealous and insecure. Its obvious that you dont like her, why are you so insulted that she feels the same about you ?

Why do you presume to know how she feels ?
Youve also said that all she shows you is her bad side , thats probably because she doesnt know you , doesnt want to know you, and doesnt give a shit for your opinion.

Youve said many times that shes jealous and insecure. I wonder why you think this ? Do you think yourself so good looking and her so dowdy that she beats herself up about you ?

I doubt she gives you a second thought, he married her, they have a child , she has commitment and stability with him, while you are a hanger on ex. I think its you thats jealous and insecure and are projecting these things onto her.

Your old news explorer, i think it would be wise to stop projecting your feelings of jealousy onto his wife . He has other female freinds so shes not hysterical, she just doesnt like YOU.

And fwiw, i dont think your prescance made her feel cornered and trapped in her own home , the fact youve said that shows just how superier you think you are to her. You said she turned the tv up and ignored you, thats hardly the behaviour of someone who feels cornered.

Most of your posts are about HER, how you think she feels, how jealous she is of you ect, how she felt cornered and threatened and jealous of you. You really dont know how she felt or feels and to presume to is arrogant on your part.

"Because even if it's painful, it's the right thing to do."

She owes you nothing. Seriously, quit this idea shes jealous of you, theres nothing about her actions to suggest that, i doubt you are so stunningly attractive that you have that effect on her.

I'm wondering why anyone in this thread thinks the wife is stopping her husband from seeing the OP, nowhere has it said she has. She hasn't made the OP welcome, that's true, and kind of understandable. She's under no obligation to, the OP isn't her friend, she's her DH's ex.

right then OP - the majority of poster on here concede that you are BU and need to get over yourself and back off but you dont seem to get it.

i presume what you were hoping for its lots of fawning comments agreeing how unreasonable and insecure the wife was/is being.

stop obsessing and leave the pair of them alone.

Human nature is against it working.

He should support his current wife.

relationships are pressured enough without that Be practical

suntangirl, in addition to comments about how unreasonable dw is, I suspect OP is also lapping up the comments on how threatened and dumpy the dw must feel compared to slim and ever reasonable OP.

shoesblue - indeed. its the op who is being possesive and imo, quite pathetic.

must have missed the aesthetic stuff - didn't read pages 3-7.

I thought that too Blueshoes.
I wonder who actually instigates these meet ups ? Wives who ARE threatened usually deal with it quickly, and most men wont risk their marriages by spending time with the ex.

I wonder if in fact the wife finds her simply an annoyance ( hence turning the tv up ). Maybe the husband does as well , maybe hes trying to blow her off and using his wife as an excuse !