...to want to stay friends with an ex?

[Explorer]

In brief, an ex and I were together for eight years, and we split up five years ago. It was painful at first but we worked through the difficult times to become close and supportive friends. He's now married, with a baby. I'm really pleased for him - he always wanted to settle down. He's a brilliant devoted dad and it's lovely to see. The difficulty is that his wife has always felt so incredibly threatened by our friendship, and has put all sorts of conditions on it. She has barely ever even managed to be polite to me, she uninvited me from their wedding, she has stipulated that we are only "allowed" to see each other once a month (if that), and on the few occasions when I have visited their house she has never made me welcome (eating separately from us, making snide comments, turning the TV on loudly when we were talking, etc). I often end up feeling really upset after these visits - but the friendship matters to me and I guess it's worth sometimes feeling crap for.
Am I being unreasonable to hope that she would be able to trust him enough to see our friendship as just a friendship, nothing threatening, not something that she has to try to control or destroy? AIBU to hope that she would try to be friendly to me out of kindness to him? I realise that she feels jealous and insecure, but AIBU to think that she doesn't have to act out her feelings like a spoilt toddler?

The problem is not you. The problem is your ex, the husband. He seems to be a right twat. He disrespects his wife, he is scheeming with his ex to make his wife accept that he is friends with a woman he shagged and loved for 8 years. He knows he is making her uncomfortable, yet he insist on keeping a friendship, invites the ex to his home, let his wife sit and eat in a different room, let her be in front of the tv while he chats with the ex. This is how he treats his wife, the mother of his new baby. By what you are saying, OP, he sounds like a really really bad husband.

Op, forget that YOU are involved in this scenario for a moment and think, if the shoe was on the other foot, and you were the wife, and your husband behaved to you in the way your friend behaves to his wife, would you find this behaviour acceptable?

It is up to you what you do. The only thing you do wrong is scheeming with this man behind his wifes back. If you are comfortable with that so be it. But YOU are not the reason the marriage will fail, or be an unhappy one, HE is.

You dont know what is going on behind closed doors. You dont know what your ex has been saying to her. You dont know how he manipulates the situation. You only see a good lifelong friend, and is possibly too rosetinted to see that he is treating his wife very badly, and you dont know what light he has presented you in. For all you know, he might be delighted with the situation he has created. It keeps her wife insecure, he must really feel in power over her. And he is manipulating you along the way to take part in this three person marriage.

Or maybe the OP could come round to babysit the baby with the friend whilst the dw goes out to paint the town ... sounds cosy.

blueshoes, of course that would be inappropriate, but just because you are married to someone it doesnt mean that you have to be joined at the hip. the op has done nothing wrong, bar trying to get the dw to like her. the dh is entitkled to nights out without his wife ffs. or does a ring give you the right to cage your spouse?

QS speaks a lot of sense.

Im not sure why the wife should take blame. The op has stated he has other female freinds so it doesnt seem that she is a hysterical jealous wife.

Maybe she was ok with it until she met Op and took a dislike to her or realised Op had a dim veiw of her. Statements like " I'm biting my tongue and watching as her insecurity whittles my friendship down to its bare bones " , that sort of comment is quite telling i think.

Op also states the wife is jealous and insecure , acts like a spoilt toddler , is selfish and that she " Is disgustingly, irritatingly nice to her. It pisses me off more than I can imagine. "

The ops opinion of the wife is very clear, how many of us would really want to spend time with our husbands ex ( or anyone for that matter ) who held this opinion?

The ops claims of jealousy and insecurity are based on what exactly ? Shes met the wife on only a handfull of occasions, who is she to presume to know what the wife feels, whether she is jealous or not ect.

im not saying the the dw should spend time with her. but she should accept the friendship and not get upset about them meeting up. she uninvited the op from their wedding. thats awful. i would never do that to any of dh's friends no matter how i felt about them

and my ex was at our wedding. it was fine because he is my friend

friendship is disposeable. how many friends have all of you let go of in your lifetimes? lots!

i've been really good 'mates' with exes in the past but either i've met someone or they have so the friendship cools and i can get over myself enough to not cry angst about it!

but they are childhood friends and neither wants the friendship to end, so why should it?

Why should the wife accept it? We only have op's point of view which is less then fluent.

Why should she put up with them trying to manipulate her behind her back, why should she be pushed out in her own home, wtf should she?

Plus in all honesty op does not come across a a particulary nice person, with a lot of pre kids selfishness.

So why the hell should the wife be made to be more uncomfortable, like another poster said, I'd bet my house that something more has happened to make the DW react like this specifically to op, if the above reasons are not enough.

Personally if it were my DH, I'd kick him out and let him have his friendship, I wouldn't be treated like that in my own home.

Looks like the OP has done a runner....

I dont think the freindship is the problem, i think its the ops, and the husbands attitude towards the wife thats the problem.

My bet is that he repeats what the op has said about the wife , and vice versa . I couldnt tolerate my husband being freinds with someone who calls me selfish, insecure, spoilt toddler ect.

Alternatively:

My Dh and I have been married for ? years and have a young baby. when we first got together, he told me he was still good friends with his ex. They had been together about eight years and she was the one who ended their relationship. He had several other relationships before we got together. At first, I thought I would be cool about him continuing this friendship, however, a couple of years along, I feel really uncomfortable about this.I have met her on several occasions, and tbh, have found her to be rather over familiar with him IYKWIM? I know that they were lovers before, but honestly, the way they are now, you would think that they were still together and I was the ex! It's nothing specific, just body language , the odd familiar touch ( think Princess Margaret removing the fluff from Peter Townsends collar) and the doe eyed looks my Dh gives her whenever she says anything 'clever' or 'funny'.

My DH has indicated that if she hadn;'t ended the relationship, he would have probably stayed with her, maybe they would be married with a family by now. He has even speculated as to what their children would have looked like!

On the few occasions I have met her, I have found her a bit condescending towards me. I sometimes feel as if the pair of them look upon me as some sort of pet puppy or toddler and I am in training!

All this was bad enough before I had the baby, but even now, knowing how tired I am and how unattractive I feel, what with stretch marks, lack of sleep and the last bit of baby tummy that I just can't shift, he still insists on seeing her about once a month whilst I stay at home ( again) to look after the baby. He and I hardly ever go out together without the baby and certainly not as often as he insists on meeting his ex.

Based on things he has let slip, I also believe he is discussing the state of our marriage, in particular my 'shortcomings' with her and I feel very uncomfortable with that. if he has issues, why doesn't he discuss them with me ? after all, it is our marriage, not hers!

He has other friends, male and female, and I am really happy for him to see them, with or without me, so it is not as though I don't allow him to have friends outside of our marriage! I am just so uncomfortable with this particular relationship.

Thanks for help,
Discovery's Ex's DW.

Just something to think about maybe?

UANBU she needs to grow up

Exactly sayit.

Lady, no matter how unreasonable the dw is (and I am prepared to accept that she might be), there are certain things that a party in a marriage is allowed to designate as non-negotiable, no matter how unreasonable they are in putting down this condition. Of course, it is not to be abused.

OP is not a party to this marriage. She would not know whether it is one of these situations. But then it is none of her business. It has gone on long enough for her to get the message that she is not welcome in someone else's family.

That is what I mean by the ring trumps all. If the marriage is doomed to fail because the dw is being unreasonable all the time, then the OP just needs to wait around cooling her heels and let things play out.

Why is she sticking her beak where it does not belong. This is where the OP not having had children has far too much time on her hands to get involved in our people's domestic situations. So what if she thinks she is right and dw is wrong ... what is the point of getting the whole world to acknowledge that. Complete waste of time!

I though that was your story sayit!

I would end my marriage if I was continually made to feel that way.

Friendships as disposable? But of course!

Would I allow a friendship with a 3rd party to get between me and my dh. To break up my family. NEVER!!

I will kill to protect my dcs. Friendship, don't make me laugh.

GOTW So would I tbh. But my DH has more respect for me than to allow this sort of situation to develop.

yup, i'm with sayithowitis

i wonder actually if it is one of those posts - where the poster isnt the ex, they are the wife??

sayit, thats a good point. how about:

I have been married to my dh for 5 years and we have a baby together, I love him very much and he is absolutely the love of my life. however he is becoming very jealous of a male friend of mine. we have known each other since childhood and had an 8 year relationship, although tbh it was one of those "try it out" things. he ended it because he didnt want to settle down. i then went on to meet dh who is everything i could hope for and has provided me with everything that he couldnt.

dh knew when we started dating that df and i had a history, but the friendship is really important to me, how often do you find someone who you can rely on absolutely?! he said it was fine, but then started being really odd about it. ok, he doesnt like him. i cant expect him to like everyone, but its things like uninviting him from our wedding and making nasty comments. he is rude and abrupt when df pops round. its my house too ffs! i should be allowed guests! Ive spoken to df about this and we really dont know what to do. ive tried everything to reassure him that i love him, i want him and i choose to be with him. but why should i give up such a good friend? its all becoming rather controlling and manipulative now and is making me re-evaluate our relationship, after all if he doesn't trust me do we really have a future?!

thanks for reading.

This is a fine example of why the notion of staying friends after a relationship split is never a practical one.

There is always going to be jealousy from some corner when new people come on the scene.

Ultimately, I really think it isn't your call. You have to respect his marriage. If his wife is uncomfortable with you in their lives then you have to bow out.

Thelady, your version isn't half as convincing, honestly.

"how often do you find someone who you can rely on absolutely?!" - erm, that would be your spouse. You shouldn't have got married, tosser.

lol when i read it i thought taht.

i simply dont see why the wife should be able to dictate who her husband is friends with.

You missed out the bit about how df calls DH names and is abrupt/rude about him, talks bout him behind his back, actively joins in working out how to manipulate behind the other parties back and maybe they push him out in his own home, nice try though