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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to want to stay friends with an ex?

307 replies

Explorer · 20/08/2010 15:49

In brief, an ex and I were together for eight years, and we split up five years ago. It was painful at first but we worked through the difficult times to become close and supportive friends. He's now married, with a baby. I'm really pleased for him - he always wanted to settle down. He's a brilliant devoted dad and it's lovely to see. The difficulty is that his wife has always felt so incredibly threatened by our friendship, and has put all sorts of conditions on it. She has barely ever even managed to be polite to me, she uninvited me from their wedding, she has stipulated that we are only "allowed" to see each other once a month (if that), and on the few occasions when I have visited their house she has never made me welcome (eating separately from us, making snide comments, turning the TV on loudly when we were talking, etc). I often end up feeling really upset after these visits - but the friendship matters to me and I guess it's worth sometimes feeling crap for.
Am I being unreasonable to hope that she would be able to trust him enough to see our friendship as just a friendship, nothing threatening, not something that she has to try to control or destroy? AIBU to hope that she would try to be friendly to me out of kindness to him? I realise that she feels jealous and insecure, but AIBU to think that she doesn't have to act out her feelings like a spoilt toddler?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/08/2010 11:27

Aside from disagreeing, fridge, I find your opinion immature and yes, if you are a parent, which who knows, really, we're all internet sprites here, I find that rather sad.

So sue me.

Whatever.

Animation · 21/08/2010 11:29

Expatinscotland - you're way too bleeding personal and paranoid - what's up with you?

Morloth · 21/08/2010 11:29

I also agree with AnyFucker and expat we did all this shit years ago, back in teens/very early 20s. Then we grew up.

expatinscotland · 21/08/2010 11:31

LOL, Animation. OK, hun. Yeah.

PMSL.

Giddyup · 21/08/2010 11:32

I have had to back off from friends before, I have a good friend who nothing has ever happened with, or will do. I wouldn't say we fancy each other... but we get on very, very well.

When he and his wife (whom I adore) had their first child it got to the point that we were texting each other loads.I could see this was wrong as its his lovely wife who should here his news and jokes 1st, even if they were struggling with new parenthood

I backed the fuck off even though it was innocent, my previous post explained I had been on the other end of the situation and the OW didn't back off.

I miss my friend alot, we hardly ever speak now and spend time together a couple of times a year in a big group. But, that was the right thing to do. You either get that or you don't

expatinscotland · 21/08/2010 11:32

And back then, Morloth, I didn't have the net! However did I cope with all that high drama?!

fridgemonkey · 21/08/2010 11:32

Expat - I find your post rude and combative.

There's no need to imply that I'm a bad mother because of a difference of opinion.

As entitled as you are to your opinions - you should be called on your behaviour, because that is just vindicative, unpleasant and below the belt.

expatinscotland · 21/08/2010 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Bagofrefreshers · 21/08/2010 11:37

Following this with interest. Judging by your post of this morning, OP, you appear to have exaggerated your original post to make the wife look bad. You've not been to their house on a "few" occasions (which would imply, 3,4,5 times), just twice. Therefore wife has not "often" made you uncomfortable in her home, just twice at the most. Is that right? Tell me if I'm missing something - do you often see her in other scenarios outside her home where she has the opportunity to upset you "often"? If not, are you saying you are often upset after meeting up with exP on neutral ground? if so, what exactly is there to be upset about? That the wife doesn't like you? You don't seem to bothered about her opinion.

Are you upset hat you're not going to see him for another month? The wife has apparently stipulated exP can only see you once a month. Presumably you've got that information from him, not her. So, how often would the two of you expect to get together if the wife had no objections? A once a month night out with a mate sounds like a massive luxury to most people with very young children/babies. Does he get a chance to take his wife out once a month without the baby?

Any chance he's playing up the "poor me, henpecked husband" situation as an excuse. Just wondering, my ex often used me as an excuse to not go out with his friends when he didn't feel like it, even though I had no idea a night out was on the cards and would not have stopped him going out. Also, maybe he does the henpecked husband thing as a way of connecting to you - maybe he feels a bit sorry for you and so is playing down his happily married/dad persona to make you feel included in his life.

MrsReality · 21/08/2010 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sungirltan · 21/08/2010 11:42

ok only read first 2 pages but here goes.

op yabvu. you world isnt going to end because you stop occasioanlly hanging out with your ex. the new wife's world might because that marriage is her world

i think its v unreasonable to insist on maintaining a friendship where the wife is so clearly unhappy about it.

also i'd bet on one of the reasons the wife hates you so much is because you and your ex talk in secret behind her back. i'd be devastated by that.

i don't think its 'shit' that you might lose this friendship. come on, i'm sure you have plenty of other friends.

my dh had a close female friend who was also an ex. the first time i met her she was horrible to me and dh fell out with her for a few months. when they made up she was in constant contact with him over her bf problems blah blah until i went mental about it. at the time dh would have none of me telling him to get rid her but to his credit he just quietly let the friendship fizzle out and i doubt they have any contact anymore. (on a side note the numbero ne reason this friendship made me squirm wasnt that they had once been lovers but that he bitched about her all the time which seemed either a cover up or a v weird basis for a friendship).

dh know i have occasional contact with my exes but since we have married and had dd i think he would be a bit upset if i went and met up with any of them regularly and i accept that as being a normal expectation of a committed relationship.

lastly the fact she didnt want you at the wedding tells you all you need to know. back off!

Morloth · 21/08/2010 11:45

We used to write each other long tortured letters and spend hours on the phone.

So much easier now. I just think "Fuck that" and go do something else.

fridgemonkey · 21/08/2010 11:47

You can find my attitude whatever you want, expat.

What is unacceptable is to extrapolate that into the implication that I am a bad parent.

But you clearly are incapable of seeing that.

As you say, whatever.

scottishmummy · 21/08/2010 11:52

lately mn has become really she said/i said name calling.bit facile and digression from discussion

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 21/08/2010 11:58

whether your friend is an ex or not, it is unacceptable for his wife to stop him from seeing you. you say there is nothing going on there and i think we have to give you the benefit of the doubt. it is entirely possible for relationships to change and for men and women to be friends without there being a simmering hotbed of lust bubbling away.

but she hasn't stopped him from seeing you. you are wrong to treat her like a puppy that needs to be socialised by visiting in the hope that she will get used to you.

i understand your frustration, but she doesn't like you (although i dont buy into the "ring trumps all" crap) you wont change that. stop trying. gather your dignity and meet your friend in a pub or restaurant instead. my dh doesnt come out with my friends because he doesnt like them. i dont go out with his because i dont really like them. but we married each other not them.

and as for all the camilla references, ridiculous! diana wasn't exactly the innocent, injured wife. it was an awful situation that must have been v difficult for all involved. this is nothing like that. the op is not sleeping with her friend, nor does she want to. he is being a twunt but is not cheating on his wife. give her a break ffs!

Isawthreeships · 21/08/2010 12:10

TheLady - I don't think there has been much 'ring trumps all' on here although I do think the baby (and parenthood) comes first.

I agree though that the whole 'trying to make her like me' stuff is daft.

crisproll2 · 21/08/2010 12:17

The OP says she has been friends with her ex-P since childhood. Therefore it is a long standing friendship. I think the fact that they had a relationship is a bit of a red herring. The man in question has a right to choose his own friendships just as everyone does.
The thought that being married gives people the right to control their partners life is an idea from the stone age. However, successful relationships are about compromise. Therefore OP, if you are a supportive friend you may want to think about having a slightly lower profile and certainly dont continue visit a house where you are not welcome by one of the householders.
You have a right to your friendship of course, as does your married friend...otherwise marriage would be a very lonely place ( and is for many people who have married controlling people). However a little sensitivity goes a long way!

tanmu82 · 21/08/2010 12:45

OP, you said you came on here for advice on what to do....well I think youve been given plenty. Youve been told in long posts and in short. SImply put, BACK OFF! Your friendship is not as important as his marriage. If you think it is then therein lies the problem. If you cant see that then I can only imagine you enjoy being so important to him that he'd risk his marriage for you.

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 21/08/2010 12:52

but why should it be one or the other?

emmyloulou · 21/08/2010 13:02

It shouldn't have to be, one or the other but the fact is, it is so it's a case of does op do the right thing or not.

The whole thread and I am glad it's not just me reading things does come across as self indulgent, I can see why his wife does not like op and feels threatened by her.

Her husband and father of her child is almost colluding behind her back with his ex, there is a lot of "we" from the op sounds to me like she is trying to be the 3rd person in the marriage, which is where the problem lies IMVHO.

Maybe it's because she doesn not have kids, maybe she is just selfish and enjoys the fact she comes inbetween their marriage and is happy to be the 3rd person.

The wife has not banned all contact, but she is concerned for reasons I can actually see, again not something I can put my finger on, it's just the posts. Almost like op wants to force him to choose between them both, she is coming across as very manipulative. He is coming across as someone who couldn't give a toss about his wife and likes the attention.

She should back off and stop all this "we" weirdness it makes her look a bit too clingy, it's them and her, she should give them the chance to be a good family unit for the child.

Animation · 21/08/2010 13:37

It's interesting that you've brought this situation to the board whilst he's away on holiday (until September). I wonder if you miss him and are more codependent on him than you realize. To some extent I think you have a responsibility to help enable him to move on from you, therefore you must resist the temptation to "hoover" him back in when he returns.

Megatron · 21/08/2010 13:54

It's a shame really but sometimes you can't keep friendships going because of other people/circumstances. You do sound very desperate to keep hold of this friendship and to paint his wife out to be some control freak, it sounds like you kind of want to 'get one over' on her tbh. Of course, you don't know what he has told her about you. You don't sound like you have any respect for his wife in the slightest to be honest. He is married to someone else, more importantly has a child with this woman and you still seem determined to be the fly in the ointment. He's probably loving the whole situation and let's face it, HE'S the one controlling the whole situation.

Animation · 21/08/2010 14:23

Well YES it's occurred to me that in actual fact he could be the one "hoovering" the OP.

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 21/08/2010 15:07

He's controlling them both. It's pretty classic.

crisproll2 · 21/08/2010 15:09

Or, alternatively, the OP is someone who has had a friend for a very long time, cares for him a lot, is worrying that their friendship is hurting his marriage and has asked for outsiders` opinions.
I highly doubt she was looking for the amateur hour psychoanalysis.

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