To split up due to DH going to lapdancing club?

[chocolatte2]

DH was on a stag do at the weekend. Asked him to not go to LDC as hate everything about them. He assured me that it wouldn't be that kind of weekend. Stag not a dirty pervert kind of guy.

Admitted last night did go & got lapdance. (think about 15 blokes & 4 got dances) WTF! He then admits on further questioning to have gone once before when our 1st born was 4wks old!!! Was promoted& boss paid!! This he has kept from me for 5 years!

Now I know some will say, it's only a titty bar, chill out but we have had a terrible year. Found out before Xmas he had taken girl colleague out for a drink by herself. They had a small kiss at end of night. I found out by a text mess next day. Feel this may have developed into affair if I hadn't caught him out.

This was so out of character for my so called loving DH and father. He never flirted with girls, never remarked on girls on tv or when we were out. Actually I really loved this about him. Really never had to worry about him cheating etc.

Anyway, I was devastated, completely broken. He was so remorseful- stopped nts out etc. We had counselling which helped. We were just beginning to get back on track though I am so sad about all that happened & how the wonderful (smug) marriage we had was over & we had to start afresh.

This is why I really cannot be believe he has hurt me like this again. Up all last night crying- both of us, I really cannot see a way forward. I just feel he has no respect for me or our kids. When I think of him at that club when our baby was a newborn & I was postnatal, it makes me feel physically sick.

What I need to know is- has anyone experienced similar. I really can't see a way forward but I truly love him & he is a wonderful dad. I feel like a doormat!

Tell your mum.

If he's agreed to go to counselling, then at least it's a step in the right direction.

Maybe it is better for it to be out in the open. It's got to be a lot harder to lie and cheat when other people know what you have done.

You've done nothing wrong here OP, you needn't feel mortified at people knowing.

he accepts he hass a problem then ?

and how does he articulate that problem ?

It sounds like you have a relationship that is worth saving. Sounds like my ex H.

Hopefully it was a lapse of judgement but you can move on from this.

I could never ever tell my mum. She would die from the worry.

He says he obviously has a prob when drinks (all incidents he was completely intoxicated). He says he had a weak character & is easily led

Think you've answered your own questions there - you love him, get on well, etc. Anything CAN be worked through, it's if you want to. Personally i don't think it's worth throwing away your whole life together over this. I'd be ANGRY (and I do angry in a big way) but (after his long stay in hospital) I'd give DH and myself a chance to get past it. We've gotten thru terrible times BTW, cos we decided to when many others would have decided not to. It's a personal choice but sounds like you want to try.

Didnt you already say that he had had councelling previously op? How will this differ then.

It may just simply be that, like posters on this thread, you and your dh have fundamentally different ideas on what constitutes fidelity or infidelity. If deep down he feels a quick kiss, a visit to ldc, or anything else that may come along such as a drunken grope at work bash etc is not being unfaithful then it is unlikely he will change.

Either you have to change, or he does. And he has shown that he cant. Therefore are you willing to live with that behaviour into the future - that is the key. Surely?

easliy led is acceptable from a 14yo

not from an adult man with a family

OP...are you willing to carry this manchild all your life....forgiving him his little "indiscretions" along the way

because "men will be men", and they can't help their weak characters

what a load of fucking bullshit us women are fed...you don't have to listen to it though

Saying he's weak and easily led is not admitting you have a problem - it's copping out. Sounds like his problem is accpeting responsibility for his own actions and being an adult!

He doesnt sound like he really believes that what he has done is wrong. Therefore he will do it again.

Simple.

But if you really want to, you can live with that. But for your own sanity you have to have a coping strategy and not go through this each time it happens.

Me and DP have been to lapdancing both alone and together, so not against lapdancing per se (although I have most definitely moved further away from it now). In fact, we have done all worts that most couples wouldn't.

BUT it is the lying that is Out Of Order.

I don't have any very helpful advice,but I do understand how you feel.If my DH did this I would seriously be questioning our relationship too,although we have friends who have gone to lapdancing clubs with their DHs .(hears distant noise of andrea Dworkin revolving in her grave).

Never any shortages of mansplainers on threads like these telling women they should just eat any old shit their husbands throw at them.

It's not just the lap dancing. It's the trust. If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship.

I have lived in relationship without trust and it is a million times easier and happier to be a lone parent.

And my children aren't being role-modelled a shit relationship either. They know that any relationship they have, has to have trust and respect in it, otherwise it's worthless.

He does take responsibilty& is very sorry. He understands the seriousness of this all today.

None of these incidents were premediated. Kiss with workmate was after a night out with lots of colleagues but when leaving to get the tube they decided to go for another drink together. The kiss was just a peck goodnight not a snog(doesn't excuse behaviour)

Anyway, anything anything happens or he lets me down in any little way it brings it all back. I never forgive & forget so will find it hard to get past this.

On the other hand, how can I break up our family home. My kids would be devastated. I thought people who got divorced hated each other. I love him a bit too desperately.

It's not about the LDC is it? It could be that you said you found fox hunting a deal breaker and he'd agreed not to do it and then you'd found out he'd done it twice since you'd been together.

Easily led is a poor excuse, it might let me forgive going to the club but not everyone there bought a dance did they, so he didn't need to do that to keep up with his peers.

OP- He might make you laugh but not respecting you is a big issue. I think if you want to stay together you need counselling to see why he doesn't think he has to respect you word.

Only you can decide where your line is chocolatte, I believe he will continue to disappoint you.

Once? Well maybe I could see getting through it. But he knows it hurts you and makes your relationship difficult and he still does it so clearly your feelings are not quite as high on his priority list as getting his rocks off.

If he only does it when he is drunk then ask him not to get drunk anymore.

Crikey!! Just got back from having lunch with a friend and can't believe how this thread has taken off. (Friend couldn't believe the thread even existed!)

Agree everyone should have their own opinion but still can't understand some of them.

After my little "incident" DH and I made it into a kind of fantasy/roleplay thingy - spiced up bedtime for a few weeks that's for sure Can't help feeling that was a much healthier way of dealing with it!!

Also FWIW if DH had wanted to separate or divorce for such a trivial thing I would have questioned his sanity!